[coleman44]

Hey everyone. I am relatively new hear but am going through what alot of people on here are going through. I hired a CI (in Illinois) which is where I was adopted. I now live in Virginia, but have had no problems with paperwork going through or the CI retrieving information on my Bmom & her family. My Bmom has responded back to the CI saying she is overjoyed & at a lost for words. I also recently found out from the CI that she had 2 daughters after me, one that died as an infant & one that is still alive & knows I exsist. I'm just waiting for her to register with the Illinois Adoption Registry & then we go from there. She told the CI she wants direct contact, as I do as well. I am absolutely confused & scared as to what to say to her. I know she is my mother, but I haven't seen her since I was 2 months old. Just looking for a little input and guidance as to what to expect & how to handle all of this emotion! Thanks in advance,
Tim

[wishfulthinker]

You are so fortunate. I am still searching. I have been using this time to read up on reunion and adoption as much as I can in order to prepare myself for the point that you have come to - the first contact.

I would just suggest reading up as much as possible. There is a lot of valuable information on the web, just google adoption. Take things one step at a time. Your mystery is about to be solved and questions that you have live with are about to be answered. Just remember that no matter what you find, you are who you are today. As long as you are confident and comfortable in your own shoes, nothing can take away from yourself. And hopefully you will become an even more confident person knowing your background.

I hope that makes sense. I wish you the very best.

[lglysson]

I am a bmom. I am sure your bmom is so thrilled!! I would just reccomend going s..l..o..w. So many times when there is a "jumping in with both feet" there will be a huge pull back for one or both. I want to call my bdaughter, write her, meet with her, all the time. But I am sure that would overwhelm her and me. Now that you have found each other, take it slow. You will both have a better chance of not getting hurt or misunderstood.

Keep us up to date, we love hearing the outcomes of reunions!!!
Blessings

[Tazer]

Hi Tim...welcome to the forum and congratulations on your upcoming reunion. I am a reunited B-mom having met my daughter almost 3 years ago next March. I can only imagine the thoughts that must be spinning around in your head today! I know every reunion is different but I want to share my $.02 worth from one who has been there done that, OK?

Like Iglys posted, take it slow. When you feel you're going slow enough slow it down more. Reunion is a marathon, not a sprint; don't try to cover everything the first day. IMO you should do as you would if your best friend from college called from out of state to say he has this wonderful friend visiting YOUR state that he'd like for you to pick up at the airport, meet and get to know. Perhaps he shares her name and a brief bio but not much else and you agree. Now you're at the airport and she has landed...what do you do? Do you rush up expecting instant love, perfect harmony, peace and to live happily ever after?

I know it's a stretch and before I'm blasted by other poster's I AM NOT COMPARING REUNION TO MEETING A NEW FRIEND, I am aware of the emotions involved, but in reality it needs to be handled a lot like this. Take things slowly. In my own reunion my daughter and I discovered we communicate better if we limit the "hard personal stuff" to e-mails as oppossed to f-2-f questioning. That way we can breathe, type, reveiw and edit, breathe, re-type, reveiw etc. as much as we need to without feeling "put on the spot." It works for us, but still it's not perfect or always good. However,we are committed to being friends and to remaining together forever.

Best wishes and good luck in the coming days. Please keep us updated and take care....Tracy

[coleman44]

Thanks for the replys everyone. I will keep this updated when new info comes in

[bakerjw]

I was adopted in Illinois too. My bmother tried to contact me through Catholic Charities in 2000 but I held off. Now I am the one searching. Even though Catholic Charities was supposed to have her join the IARMIE, they did not. If she had, I'd have matched up when I signed up. Now I just get to wait while the Midwest Adoption Center does their thing.

I know that if my bmom is still alive that she will want to know more since she tried contacting me first.

I hope it all goes great for you. Even though I will have a hard time practicing what I preach, take it slow and learn from others experience.

signed. Another Illinois adoptee!

[coleman44]

Hey everyone,
Well. I have been in contact with my Birth mother & sister for about 2 weeks now. Everything is going great. They both live in Iowa, & are excited to meet me. My mom has been open & honest with everyone about me. I do have a question for you all though. She did tell me that she gave me a different name when I was born, Peter. My question is that she rarely uses my name now, Tim. Is this a common occurance, or am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? Thanks again for all of the advice!
Thanks,
Tim

[Jo Ellen]

Tim,

Speaking to the issue of your bmom not using your name much I am an adoptee reunited 2 years 9 months and my bmom rarely uses my adoptive name. She had also given me a name and in our first year of reunion I asked her about using the name she gave me but she declined that idea all together. She told me that is in the past and that we must move forward.... which I agree but I believe we do need to go back at times for healing. I just think it is difficult for them to see us as someone other than who we were to them when they had us even in my case with my bmom only seeing me through the nursery window the day she left the hospital. This is just my opinion. Best wishes for a wonderful time with your new found family.

[wishfulthinker]

I can see how it would be difficult for her to get accustomed to your adopted name given the fact that she has thought of you all your life by the name she gave you. I would be open and honest with her. Communication is the backbone of every relationship. Just ask her about the name issue and see what she says.

[JustPeachy]

I named my son at birth and it was changed at his adoption. I've always thought of him as the name I gave him, but in communication over the years (I've had a semi-open adoption), I always called him the name his aparents gave him, out of respect for them and him, since that was now his name. Over the years, I've come to think of him more as the name his aparents gave him, and will call him that name when and if we meet, unless he would like for me to call him by the name I gave him.

I think if it doesn't bother you to be called by the name your mom gave you, let it be, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you should kindly let her know. To her, you will probably always be Peter. It took me a long time to see my son as his new name. Your mom will probably need more time to adjust to this.

[4everlovingmyBM]

I understand the name thing. I reunited with my bmother 6 years ago. She was suprised that my name wasn't what she called me. I told her to please call me by my adoptive name. Later into getting to know her more, I told her that I was comfortable if she wanted to call me by my birthname. She said no. The thing is in her mind I am both, and I am fine with that. She gave me a musical horse for my b-day last year and when I came home I notice she wrote: To: Chris Ann (my birthname) and my adoptive name too. So, I know in her eyes I'll always be Chris Ann. So, if you notice your bmother calling you by your birthname and you feel uncomfortable. Just tell her how you feel, and maybe down the road you can call me that as a nickname. She should understand. Most bmother's do.

In kind regards

[coleman44]

Hey everyone,
Thanks for the input on everything in this post. Please go to this link & read about how our first meeting went. I welcome any & all comments, email them to me at colemanfan44@yahoo.com
The Clinton Herald, Clinton, Iowa - A family restored
Thanks everyone,
Tim

[Blessed2x.]

That's a great newspaper article!! Thanks for sharing

[4everlovingmyBM]

I am so happy for you. Reminds me of the time talking to my birthmother for the first time too. Glad to hear all is well with your meeting.

In kind regards