[gigglessa]

Ok, I have been in reunion now for almost 7 months with bmom. things are going ok...had one f2f and have been planning another but her plans fall through all the time.
Ok..now for my problem..it has to do with bdad.
I found him and had one phone conversation last month. I think its been about 3 weeks. I don't know if I should call him or not. He called me and said he wanted to keep in touch.
I fear calling him because his family might not know about me yet. I am a result of an extra marital affair.
So you can see my problem.
He is separated from his wife, but I think he was a little worried about telling his oldest daughter. We are almost the same age. She is older. He said that he was going to tell her but haven't heard from him since.
I am wondering if he doesn't want contact, or if things went wrong when he told his daughter or what.
Should I call him? What if someone else answers?
I found my 1/2 brother, his son on myspace.
I don't know if i should contact him..this could be very weird.
I was happy because my bdad's sister and brother welcomed me warmly and had several emails from them..but all that has stopped since I spoke to bdad on the phone.
What does all this mean?

[djvj]

hi,
if in your last conversation your bdad said he wanted to keep in touch, then i think it would be fine if you want to call him again. i think it is great that you are trying to be so sensitive to his situation, but if you have his personal cell number i don't think you are putting him at any risk. if you just have his home phone, and someone else answers, you can always resort to a "hang up" (block your number before calling by pressing *67), or pretending to be a phone solicitor, or whatever...

is it just that you are waiting for him to make the next contact? or is there any specific reason for you to fear that contacting him again is somehow intrusive? i think we all (adoptees and bparents) are afraid of bothering the other party, so it's normal to not know what the boundries are or what the other person defines "keeping in touch" as at this point. maybe it would be a good question to ask when you do speak to him????

ahh, reunions are hard, and also they can be really rewarding from the stories i've seen on this site. best of luck in your journey.

[Jo Ellen]

It is so easy to over analyze when building a relationship with the birth parents we haven't been with all these years. My opinion is that since your bdad told you he wants to be in touch then it is best to trust him and call him if you want to talk to him. He maybe sitting there thinking the same thing not sure if he should call you again. I went through this with both my bparents and they have been married many years now and when I want to talk with one of them I call and if they can't talk we pick a time that is better for both of us and talk then. In the beginning of our relationship we found it easier to set a time for talks that way we knew the other was expecting it then as time went on it became easier to call whenever we feel like talking. I still do most the calling and at times that is difficult but that is what works best for us so that is what I do. The best thing you can do is follow your heart and trust them with the things they tell you.... that is how good relationships are built. Best wishes to all of you in your journey.

[wishfulthinker]

Maybe sending him an amail would be less risky just in case his family doesn't know about you. Just a thought...

[gigglessa]

I have been holding on to the phone, but have been to scared to call. I keep saying, in a minute, or at 7pm or 8 pm etc.
Now its 10pm and probably to late.
Unfortunately, he is not computer literate so I don't have or think he even has an email account.
My uncle, his brother does, and I have sent two and have had no reply...even though we were on daily emails at the start.
So, not sure if I should email my uncle again or just chalk this up to a failed reunion.
I wanted to write my bdad a letter but I couldn't find his address online...so I am stuck.
I wanted to call and just ask for his address so I can send pictures..but I am soooo scared and worried.
Not sure what I am going to do.

[kune]

gigglessa

Not sure what I am going to do.

If you haven't done anything you will be in the same place today as you were a week ago.....and the next week will get just as difficult.
Honestly, what do you have to fear? From where I am sitting, your Dad probably is leaving it in your hands to set the pace of contact....he wouldn't want to rush you. Chances are he is wondering when or if you are going to ring back.
Are you short of things to talk about? Make a list of things you want to ask him. That always makes it easier. Start with the address and tell him about the photos....and ask him if he would send one of himself.

No emails from Uncle???.....maybe he is out of town, or maybe he now think he will leave you and his brother to sort out your friendship before he has any interaction with you.

We all have been where you are at the moment. Trying to pre-guess what is going through this strangers head. Think how mixed up your emotions and thoughts are at the moment and it will give you a glimpse of how your Dad is feeling right now. We tend to mirror emotions when we are trying so hard to make this connection perfect.

My best advice....take a deep breathe, pick up the phone, make the call and tell him you were nervous about ringing but really wanted to make this reunion work so you hope he feels the same. Ask the questions giggles....then you don't have to guess...you will then have his answers to steer you on the straight road to reunion.

((Hugs))
Ann..
been there / done that / felt just as nervous