[mardebjs]

I have been in contact with the adoptive parents for months now. I still have not spoke to my child. I have contact info for my child so I could directly contact them. I dont think I can wait any longer to speak with my child. I have waited many years and everyday just breaks my heart a little more. Do you think it would be better to just contact my child directly? Should I make the call today?? Please help!!!! I cant sleep at night thinking about this. If your a birth child how would you react if your birthmom called you????

[zxczxcasdasd]

How old is your child?

[mardebjs]

My child is an adult.

[paigeturner]

Hi Mardebjs,

Is your child a young adult ie: 18 - 20 or does he/she have a bit of life experience under his/her belt? I think it makes some difference in "how" to proceed.

[mardebjs]

Young adult

[paigeturner]

I hope I'm not being too nosey...Does he/she live at home? Have you had a semi-open adoption over the years? What reasons are her parents giving you for not bringing the two of you together?

[thanksgivingmom]

Also, is your child aware that you have contact with his/her parents? This too might help how you should proceed.

[zxczxcasdasd]

While 18 is legally an adult, there are many factors to consider as a human being and as a mother, especially about how your actions may impact them and their family if they are still living as a child at home with parents as providers, regardless of their legal status. (grade in school, general maturity, the history of the adoption, present circumstances, how you came to be in contact now, nature of the contact between you and her parents...etc.)

Many people here have been through (and are going through) all different iterations of this situation and could potentially offer some valuable advice, if you could offer more details about your specific situation. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. The details matter in what the best course of action may be.

Would you mind sharing a little more?

[mardebjs]

I believe my child knows that I am in contact with the adoptive parent. That is whats told to me anyways. My child still lives at home. I dont want to do anything to cause pain for my child or the adoptive parents. Thats why I am asking here what I should do. Should I just wait for the adoptive parents to be ready for us to have contact? Or should I contact my child? Do you think an adopted child would want to be contacted from the birthmother instead of going through adoptive mother? Thanks

[zxczxcasdasd]

Some may and some may not. Every kid is different.

But it's not so much an issue of the adoptive parents being ready as it is about the child being ready. Have the adoptive parents expressed that their child does not wish to be contacted right now? Or is it that they do not feel the time is right? Have they given you a reason or shared their feelings about it? Has your contact with them been cordial and welcoming?

[zxczxcasdasd]

Let me give you my quick summary of being in this situation on the adoptive parent end. I believe it is my job as an adoptive parent to support reunion when my child is ready and willing and I have. I also believe that as a parent, while he wasn't ready, it was my job to communicate with his birth/first mother, passing on the info that he wasn't ready and ask that his wishes be respected and he be allowed to initiate contact (he was always fully supplied with her contact info) when he was ready, and to request that she not push, force or attempt any sort of contact ambush when he had expressly expressed that he did not wish it at this time.

As things went for us, he was ready and did want contact right when he turned 18 and we helped make it happen for him as soon as possible. If that had not been the case though, I don't know that my job as a parent would have changed from one day to the next just because his 18th birthday had passed. The growth and independence process is a little more fluid than that.

There is a point where the contact between the child and the birthparent does not involve the aparent at all and it's appropriate with an adult adoptee that that would be the case. But I'm hesitant to say that the magical 18th birthday makes it that precise moment. There are many successful reunions that have been initiated through positive contact with the aparents, even with adoptees in their 30's. There are also many cases where the aparents were not truthful with either their children or the birth/first parent and just tried to sabotage the possibility for contact.

I would hope that your child's parents would be the former and not the latter, but I think we're looking for clues you might be able to supply that might help us decifer the situation a bit more for you.

That being said, it is all guesswork in the end. All we can do is each to be honest, ethical, open and respectful and hope for the same in return.

[cetalley]

MARDEBJS, I have to agree with your reply post from the other members...I am a first mom waiting to find my twin sons, 22yrs.old now. So I do understand your plight and how anxious this must make you feel, after all you have waited an eternity, or so it feels. I can only offer my opinion on the basis of my own journey and what I would like to think I would be able to handle. If and when I find my sons, I will most definately contact their parents, and most definately will wait until they think my sons are ready. I know this will be hard ,but knowing they are safe healthy and happy is enough for that time being, whenever it comes. After all they are the parents that raised their child(and yours) and should make those type of choices since they are the ones whom know your daughter best. 18 is still a very young age and does not mean one is ready just because. I will stop my rant and say...I wish you many blessings and hugs, for I know this cannot be easy. Try to be patient, after all you have waited this long....GOD BLESS in your journey...and have faith!

[babygirl85]

I am an adoptee who is 23 years old. At this point in my life I would be beyond estatic if my bmom were to contact me. However, when I was 18 years old, even though I had a deep desire to know her, it would have been extremely overwhelming at that time in my life. It's really hard to say what to do - everyone reacts to things so differently. At least you know who she is and where she is. I would give anything to know who and where my bmom is. Good luck to you!

[slbullough]

Hi,
I have just met my birth father I'm 35 three months ago. He is lovely by the way. However make sure b4 u do anything that u have support. I would never have believed how much birth parents suffer through no fault of their own. Once you have good support net works do what you believe is right. If you have the support there you can deal with anything. Good luck
friendxxxxxxxxxx

[kcrisg]

Dear Mardebjs,

I hope that I will be able to shed some light on this situation from a "young adult" adoptee’s point of view. Personally I would have been elated to be given the opportunity to have contact as soon as I turned 18. I completely understand the argument which suggests that such youth may not be ready to cope, but I believe that it is an opportunity which shouldn't be denied. If the adoptee is ready i believe that to be their decision.

But like has been said, everyone reacts differently. I think that if you are this eager to initiate contact that you should go a ahead and write a brief, and emotionally light letter to forward to the adoptive parents. I suggest leaving the letter unsealed so that they may read it (so as not to feel threatened) and enclose a separate letter for them, asking them kindly to discuss it with their child, notifying them that they have a letter with contact information in it if they would like it.

They most you can do after that is to hope that the adoptive parents are considerate of their/your child’s right to know.

Being a “young adult" has a tendency to generate a lot of self-identity issues and as a young adult adoptee those questions are usually more frequent in number. Having the opportunity to ask simple questions, to learn their heritage, maybe see a picture can do wonders.

I do not believe that it is an opportunity that should be denied to anyone. Just try your best to come up with a passive way of putting yourself out there, and allow you child to come the rest of the way.