[Momokat]

I love these forums. They get you back on solid ground and make you realize that you are not alone. But I HATE the word we all know so well....PATIENCE!
So what if I had a friend (who is an adoptee) contact my bson and see how he is feeling and what he is thinking and why he hasn't contacted me (even to tell me to bug off!).
After discovering him Sept 06 on this website (he had posted in Jun 2005) we emailed briefly in Oct 06-Nov 06. He stated he wanted to 'fly out to meet me by himself and that he didn't want to talk on the phone because he didn't want to spoil the moment we met"...yup...I melted. and thought this would be the perfect reunion! (like that could happen with all my issues!) Anyway, I was in his area in Jan 07 and suggested we meet at a neutral point. He had given me his cell number so that is what I called. Then he called me back and said something like "I haven't told my parents and don't want to meet until they know. I will call you after I tell them". That is the last I have heard. I have sent 3 emails (one in spring 07..just thinking about you....one for his birthday and one around Christmas) and finally last Sunday I called his cell phone to just say "thinking of you ...would love to talk".
And now am obsessing even more about why/why/why doesn't he respond. (yet I can speculate and guess millions of reasons!).
so my newest thought would be to have a friend of mine who is adopted contact him and see what he is thinking.
Too pushy? I love the company in the Patience Club but would also like to be a member of the In Reunion club too!
Thank you all for everything you all post and for the honesty and compassion and love.....we are all knit together across many miles and it is really a GREAT thing to have the internet! I guess one good thing as we all wait patiently is that we do get to know ourselves better and move through feelings and learn from each other.

[RavenSong]

Oh, boy, this is a toughie. Personally, I think you should wait until your bson decides on his own to resume contact with you. He most likely has not told his parents yet. He obviously knows that you're still "in the wings" waiting for him. I'm just afraid that if you have your friend call him, your bson will go on the defensive and feel that you're pushing him into a corner.

On the other hand, I think it's fine to send him cards on his birthday and Christmas, even if he doesn't acknowledge them. Keep it light, and let him know that your door will always be open for him when he's ready. But let him be the one to decide if and when he's ready. You don't want to push him away...

It is hard to be patient, isn't it? I know it's hard to wait, but I think it's the best thing to do for now.

[curiositykitten]

I have to echo what Ravensong has said. He might feel pushed into a corner if you have someone from outside of the situation begin to contact him.

I would keep doing what you're doing, letting him know you're there and waiting for him. He may be having an incredible conflict sorting things out with his birth family. I think the reassurance of "I'm here, and I'll be here" is something he can appreciate.

[JustPeachy]

I would not have a friend contact him. I do think it is too pushy. It is apparent that right now your son is not ready to communicate. I don't think having a friend who is also an adoptee "feel him out" is going to make him more ready. In fact, odds are it will make him feel like his boundaries have been crossed. Maybe you are comfortable taking that risk, but for me, I wouldn't feel right about it. If I reverse the situation, and imagine that I was not ready to communicate with my son, and he then had a friend who was a birthmom call me out of the blue to talk to me, I would not like this at all. Your son did say he would contact you after he spoke with his parents. He probably has not done this yet and is perhaps struggling with telling them. Or maybe he did tell them and they have not taken it well. Either way, I think he will contact you when he is ready.

I know how hard it is, as I have been waiting, too, just for a letter or email, for several years. I would continue to send the cards for special occasions, to let him know you are still here and the door is open should he wish to resume contact.

Also, I'm wondering how old is your son? If he's still in the late teen years and into the 20s, I'm wondering if some of his hesitation is just from not having his life in order, not being established yet, finding himself, etc. He may need more time to figure these things out before he will be ready to move forward in reunion. The desire may be there before the readiness.

Bottom line, though, is he did indicate he would contact you after he tells his parents. I think I would honor that for now.

[Jackiejdajda]

Momokat
I have very little contact with my bson.. And I know he told his adoptive parents after we met up on the internet..

I have drifted away from any kind of intimacy with my bson.. I no longer expect it..
I have accepted what I can not change..

It’s a hard one that.. but you can not change his thinking.. and you can not get him back from any of it..
There is real freedom in that kind of understanding.. There is a changing of your mind and getting on with your life..

I come on here every few days to stay connected with others that are working through their emotions etc with reunion and adoption and all the stuff in between.. and that is me.. this is me living my life..
But I have long ago given up any hope for intimate letters or ‘talks’ with my bson..

Not going to happen..

I am so sorry your reunion is going the way it is going..

Jackie

[loveajax]

I agree with Raven. I know it must be torturous to not know what he is thinking, but he clearly knows how to reach you. I think having someone else contact him would do nothing to help the situation, and may even alienate him

My DH is 42 yo and contacted his birth mom in December. He unfortunately has not heard anything back. But I think with all this reunion stuff, so much of it is about "timing" and sometimes people are more ready than others, etc.

Hang in there!

[agathaj]

I agreee with Jackie. I think you have your answer. He's not ready for contact/reunion...the reason is really unimportant - although I know you want to know why. I am in a similar situation. My bdaughter knows how to contact me. She chooses not to do so...Why? I have finally figured out that it doesn't matter why. What matters is that if she wanted to she could.