[kdecrow]

Hi Everyone!

As a lot of you know, last year I searched for my son who was placed for adoption 30 years ago. I found he deceased in 2004 but left an ex and a 10 y.o. daughter. The child's mother has since remarried.
My son had numerous problems and it was a difficult breakup. I would like to reach out to his ex wife but am terrified. I have her current address but can't seem to come up with the right words. Can anyone give me a jump start? There is so much at stake here- everything.

Here is what I want to get across:

a) I know living with my son could not have been easy, want to relay sympathy and concern.
b) I am grateful she has found a loving husband and a new dad for my bio-granddaughter
c) do not want to disrupt, but would like to meet her and eventually become a small part of my granddaughter's life once her mother and I have established our own relationship with each other. My thought is we could then present a united front when the mother decides the time is right to let the gdaughter know I've "surfaced"

Help me please! I don't know how to start!!

Thanks,

Kim

[Wendy645]

The first thing that pops into mind is why a)?

Why do you know it couldn't have been easy? Just curious, as from someone who has no idea what's gone on in their life (like us), it sounds very strange. What if they were blissfully happy? Just a thought.

Other than that, I'm sorry your son died before you got to meet him, but best of luck, it's so exciting to have other family members you could meet!

[kdecrow]

Originally Posted by Wendy645

The first thing that pops into mind is why a)?

Why do you know it couldn't have been easy? Just curious, as from someone who has no idea what's gone on in their life (like us), it sounds very strange. What if they were blissfully happy? Just a thought.

Other than that, I'm sorry your son died before you got to meet him, but best of luck, it's so exciting to have other family members you could meet!

Hi Wendy,
My son's aparents have shared his personal problems with me, therefore I know the story and I know it was a difficult breakup.
Good luck with your situation!
Kim

[Oceans]

Hey Kim - I'm going to think about this but off the top of my head, I would avoid using ownership terms when it comes to your gdaughter... Do you know her first name? That may be better. Not sure if you were going to do that anyway and used "my" bio-grandaughter for clarity here... I might also focus on getting to know her (your DIL) w/out mentioning being part of your GD's life someday so she doesn't feel threatened - seeing how she doesn't know you.

Keep in mind, I obviously don't write compelling reunion letters LOLOL

Do you all live close? I would love it if this could happen for you!!

[MamaS]

Why would your DIL let her daughter know you have "surfaced"?
She has your son's adoptive parents as her grandparents. She has a stepfather, and her mother, and their extended families.
What reason would your DIL have for bringing it up?
What reason would your bio-grandaughter have for asking about her deceased father's bio parents (if she even were told he was adopted).
You might ask DIL for pictures of your son's child, but I think you might be hoping for too much if you want to have a "relationship" and present a "united front". Your son's death makes the relationship different. IMHO.

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by kdecrow

Hi Wendy,
My son's aparents have shared his personal problems with me, therefore I know the story and I know it was a difficult breakup.
Good luck with your situation!
Kim

Does the DIL know that your son's aparents shared his personal problems with you? This might be tricky to bring up, because maybe she expected that her marital problems be kept private and if you mention anything at all about them, even if it is simply indicating that your son was not easy to live with, it may come across as intrusive.

I dunno. If she doesn't know you, I would slow it down a lot. I would mention who you are, that in searching for your son, you discovered he was deceased, but found out that he had a child, and if she would be so kind as to provide you with a photo, you would much appreciate it. See how receptive she is to that, and perhaps from there, you can begin some sort of regular communication.

[kdecrow]

Wow. That was rather brutal MamaS.

The Aparents don't have contact with the DIL and her child anymore.

I just wanted to know my bio-granddaughter. She is the only descendant I will ever have. She is my blood.

Apparently I need to rethink this whole thing. I forgot for a moment that I may have to spend the rest of my life making up for a transgression committed at age 16. Maybe that sounds dramatic but after finding my son deceased last year the thought of never knowing his daughter is a little hard for me to take. The thought of meeting her one day gives me hope.

Thank you for your support Oceans and yes, we do live within 50 mi. of each other.

Kim

[Oceans]

((( Kim ))) You always have my support. When we do nothing, that is exactly what we get so I think it's important that you reach out. You hold a key to your gdaughters heritage and that may be important to her someday. Even if you are rebuffed, it will be good that someone knows you are out there and happy to have contact.

I say write your DIL in hopes of starting a conversation - or even providing info about your gdaughters background.

This must be so hard - I keep thinking it almost like having to wait all over again.

[RavenSong]

Kim, I think you have every right to contact the mother of your bgranddaughter. I'm confident that you have the sensitivity to be able to come across to her in the right manner. If I were you, I would offer her a family medical history, which will be important for your granddaughter's physicians to have in the future.

I do a lot of genealogy research on behalf of adoptees who want to know their family lineages. So many people in this day and age are being drawn to genealogy and want to know their bloodlines. I think this is important information for everyone to know, including adoptees. If you've done any family research, you may want to mention this at some point and offer to give her family heritage info.

Originally Posted by MamaS

What reason would your bio-grandaughter have for asking about her deceased father's bio parents (if she even were told he was adopted).

MamaS, I read new threads every few weeks on the Adoptee Support Forum from the children of adoptees who are searching for their biological grandparents, especially when their parents (who were adopted) have died. They obviously have a curiosity about their bloodlines and roots. It's not only adoptees who are searching...

[Dickons]

I read your post yesterday and thought about it since and have come back to the same thought...tough tough letter to write. My only thought is that I would ask the person to bear with you through the entire letter where you basically list the points and your willingness to work towards only the good of the child as there is too much at stake and putting it all on paper to someone you have not met is something that just cannot be done. Or simply pick up the phone and ask her if you can write her a letter about it...

MamaS - that was harsh...adoption only severs the right to be the parent...it does not take away the role of mother, father, sister, brother, grandchild...etc. I have a mom and dad and a mother and father...love has a very magical component that is not stopped by a maximum capacity...love expands and encompasses without boundries...if your child loves you they can love their birth family as well and it does not take a single drop of their love for you away...it's magic.

And besides that...they are blood and everyone needs to be with their family...open your heart and mind and try not to feel threatened...that is what can cause pain.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[kdecrow]

Today in the mail I received a beautiful 3 page letter from my granddaughter's mother. She sent 10 pictures of my beautiful gdaughter.

The letter is so loving, she asked that I please stay in touch, gave me a complete rundown of my gdaughter's life.

And she wants to get to know me.

God is good. I'm on my way to Wally World to get one of those tacky "#1 Grandma" tshirts.

Janey, can you believe it?

Kim

[stinky_kitty]

Kim that is awesome! I am so happy for you! Hopefully this is just the beginning!!!!

[bakerjw]

It is fantastic news! Great to hear.

[JustPeachy]

Kim, I'm so happy for you! That is just terrific news!!!

[RavenSong]

Oh, Kim, I am so very, very happy for you!!! I am so glad your prayers were answered. I have to tell you, I had a sneaking suspicion that this would eventually happen...just one of those feelings, if you know what I mean.

Your granddaughter's mom sounds like a lovely woman, and I am just over the moon that she has asked you to stay in touch. And the photos? I bet you keep looking at them, over and over and over, don't you?!!

What a wonderful thing, what a wonderful family, what a wonderful opportunity. And how very healing this can be for all of you.