[D28Bob]

After beginning my search over 20 years ago, I finally got the help I needed and located my family of origin in December, and sent a card and letter to my first mother Dorothy just before Christmas. She was still alive at 78, and lives about 45 minutes away. I received no reply to that, nor to the followups I sent about once a month. I tried a call Easter, but she could not talk about it with me.

Then last week I found contact information for another family member, and found I had a half sister Victoria born 5 years after me, and a half brother Ky (James III) born 8 years after me. Unfortunately, I just missed Vicki:

VICTORIA ROBERTSON HENDRICKSON
Oct. 10, 1954-Feb. 10, 2008 Victoria was diagnosed with metastic breast cancer July 2006. Her response posted in her journal was: "Cancer may be trying to make a run at me, but it has to catch me first, and I am hiding right behind my humor." Victoria grew up in the Loose Park area and attended Bryant Elementary School before moving to Johnson County. She graduated from Shawnee Mission South and attended the University of Kansas. It is not her conventional life of school, professional and personal accomplishments for which she will be remembered, but her unique approach to life. She thought circles around most people and secretly enjoyed watching heads spin while trying to keep up with her. She demanded authenticity from people and respected anyone who met that demand. She knew she wasn't perfect and recognized that was not what life was about. She understood animals as well as she understood people which made her a legend with her animal friends and friends of animals. She enjoyed good food, good books, art and music. Loved the Evil Monkey Art Shows, The Fish Fry and The Charlotte St. Mission. Vicki was passionate about her love for friends, Terri, Chuck, Emily, Randy, Victoria and Brent, The Charlotte St. and Murphy's Pool Gang including Patrick, Brian, Franny, Mikey, Zola and Murphy. Her friends at Water One including Dan Grover and Dan Smith, a very special group that were so supportive of her in her battle with cancer. She loved her last days at Kansas City Hospice House because they celebrated life with her. Survivors include mother, Dorothy Robertson; her late father, James M. Robertson Jr.; brother, Ky Robertson and Dagmar; cousins, Darrel Robertson and Dianne Harmon. Her witty repartee, keen insights, brutal honesty and big heart will be missed. The memorial service will be held Feb. 29 at St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 40th and Main, Kansas City at 2 p.m. A necessary mention of gratitude is directed to all who befriended Victoria during her illness. There is no order of miracles. Great and small your love is a miracle. A teasing retort, a young Will Haddix (godson) said to Victoria, which became her beloved refrain: "That's all right, Friend Vicki." So we say as she leaves us, "That's all right, Friend Vicki." Vicki's journal can be read at CaringBridge. Free Websites That Support And Connect Loved Ones During Critical Illness. web site "badboobie." In lieu of flowers, the family suggests memorial contributions to Kansas City Hospice House, 12000 Wornall Rd, Kansas City, MO 64145 or The Cancer Institute St. Lukes Hospital, 4401 Wornall Rd, Kansas City, MO 64111.

I was stunned. So close to knowing her, and the description fits me almost to a tee. I was an art major, love books and music, and have been told my mind runs at 10x other people's - (also known as adult ADHD!) The Fish Fry is my favorite radio music show; it is hosted by her best friend's husband. I spent the last several days reading her cancer blog, and was struck again and again how much I would have enjoyed her.

I have had profound grief over this missed opportunity. It seems almost insane, to grieve someone whom I never met, but I feel robbed. She lived life fully to an extent few do, and was loved by her friends.

I promised Dorothy, her mother and mine, in my first letter that I would not try to contact her children unless she approved. But I have felt an urgent sense of time ticking by; I thought it was my fear that I would read Dorothy's obituary before we had a chance to meet. Now I know that during my attempts, Vicky was going into hospice and in her final weeks. But I still want to meet Vicky's friends and learn about her, and what she was like. I don't feel that is violating my promise. As to my half brother Ky, who was with her at the end, I don't know. If I hear from Dorothy within a decent interval, at least some response, I will wait. But being patient, giving her time, meant I never got to know someone I feel I had a lot in common with - at some point, I feel I will have to move things along.

Vicki apparently knew she had an older brother given up, but Ky either doesn't know or refused to believe her. He and Dorothy are apparently very close, and as one of my Triad friends pointed out, birthmothers who give up one son WON'T let go a second time.

On the other hand, neither Ky nor Vicki ever had any children. I sent Dorothy pictures of my daughter and son... her only grandchildren... perhaps my trump card?

[Dickons]

I am so sorry for your loss...

You need to tell your mother that you do not want to wait for her approval, but will give her time to tell your brother but it must be soon and she needs to give you a time frame.

If she isn't willing after that then you must follow your heart.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

I am so sorry for you loss..

All of it..

Jackie

[lafayette87]

Hugs. and hugs, and more hugs.

I just discovered that I lost my first brother. While I am having difficulty learning about him at the current time, I still wonder, and I always will. I am deeply sorry for your loss, and remember, if anyone tells you you don't have a right to grieve someone you didn;t know, tell them to buggar off. She was your sister and you have evey right to mourn her loss.

Do you know what cemetary she is in? I am trying to find my brothers grave... I think it might help to find it and say your peace, I'm sure she'd still listen even though she has left our world.

[susieloo]

I am with Dickens. She is not the only one involved here. I too am a bmum.
Susie

[D28Bob]

No, she's not buried anywhere. Her ashes are to be scattered with wildflowers in some of her favorite places; right now, everyone's waiting for her brother Ky to return from a job he's on to do this. So I may just show up for it... I did go ahead and send my birthmom a letter asking rather firmly for my medical history, paternity, and an affadavit releasing my records from the court. If she can't bring herself to respond, I said I'd ask my half brother - who I'm sure she has never told about me... just feeling like 6 months is long enough for her to deal with this. Maybe I'm wrong, cruel, or whatever, but I (and my family - her only grandchildren) deserve that information.

Bob

[Dickons]

Bob,

You are NOT being mean or cruel...you are following your heart. You are being proactive in a) allowing your mother to tell her/your story, and b) protecting your family with the knowledge of their family medical history.

I truly hope it turns out well for you. As a final thought, I hope you plant a wildflower garden/container so you can be close to you sister all the time.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmom, I say go for it. We must remember that we--all of us, will not live forever. After my parents died, secrets were discovered, imagine the surprise and shock that their 4 children had to endure.