[Oceans]

Many have followed my journey to Reunion. 6 weeks ago, I didn’t even know my sons name, and here I am today, waiting for him to respond to an email stating that I may be his birthmom. Ten days later, I have heard nothing and he has not visited my MS page since first getting the message. I know, I need to give it time but his lack of interest in my MS page says a lot – at least to me. It’s hard but I’m OK with that.

He’s 26 btw, not living near his parents, etc…

I have prepared a letter for him detailing all the things that adoptees should know about themselves. Medical history (there is some he should know but not overly serious), family origins (basic genealogy), his bdad’s name and contact info, how I found him, and that bdad and I dated in HS. No “I love you’s” or “have always thought of you”, etc. I don’t want the guilt factor. Obviously, I reached out in the first place so I care about him. Bdad is preparing the same info (medical history and family orgins).

I’m thinking I will send this letter out in another week or so because he should NOT have to contact me in order to get the info if he doesn’t want have contact in the first place…KWIM?

The only thing that is messing with me here is that there is ALWAYS the slight possibility that he doesn’t know he’s adopted and discarded my original letter as some weird MS person phishing for something (?) I’m not OK with him “not knowing” to be honest but I more strongly believe it’s not my place to tell him. I keep thinking if I send the letter, it will probably clue him in (even the stripped down version).

Should I send it (eventually) or let it go...
Do you think it’s possible he doesn’t know?

[snuffie]

I would send him the letter. IMO he is old enough and I've always thought that keeping adoption a secret is just plain wrong. We need to know the truth. We need to know our medical history.

If your son did not know he is adopted, he may be going through a lot right now. But even if he knew he was adopted, he still be going through an awful lot right now.
I think young males (I have two boys of my own) tend to take a bit longer to mature and are more apt to go play soccer or racquet ball etc. than delve into their innermost feelings. But eventually they do think about things. I wouldn't be concerned that it seems to be taking a while. (Easy to say, I know.)There could be so many scenarios - He needs to talk things over with a friend, or he may be away or working horrendous hours.

We're here waiting right along with you! Please keep us posted.

Snuffie

[loveajax]

Oceans, first of all, hugs.

Second of all, I agree that men are weird creatures! So I would not assume he's not interested. Honestly.

I think I would wait a little bit longer before you send that letter. I think you have handled it perfectly, and he knows how to contact you. He may be feeling a little overwhelmed right now...I know 10 days seems like forever, but it really is not very long......

I just want to let you know that when my DH "located" his birth mom, it took him literally like 4 months to contact her. He wanted to tell his a parents first. Then he was digesting some of the info he learned, etc. Hang in there....(I know, easy for me to say).

[Oceans]

I think young males (I have two boys of my own) tend to take a bit longer to mature and are more apt to go play soccer or racquet ball etc. than delve into their innermost feelings. But eventually they do think about things. I wouldn't be concerned that it seems to be taking a while.

I couldn't agree more and many times men don't want contact until their 30's. Given that, I don't want to hold up his basic information just b/c he isn't ready to meet me. That could take years to be honest. He deserves to have the basics regardless of his feeling for me and/or contact.

LA: Four months may be a killer for me... Seriously, not sure if the heart or mind could take it LOLOLOL

[DPline]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Second of all, I agree that men are weird creatures! So I would not assume he's not interested. Honestly.

So true! I have males age 4.5, 9, and 41 in my house and I don't understand any of them most days! So I would be bet age 26 isn't any different.

No advice, but sending you a (((hug))) and prayers that he will contact you soon! We definetly don't want you imploding!

[mickeybaines]

First off let me say I am so happy you found your son. I would definitely give him a little more time before sending the letter. My guess is he just needs time to process this. I don't know how I would respond if I was contacted through myspace. I tend to be leary of people online so I think I would prefer a letter in the mail. Is that an option for you?

I know how awful the wait can be. I found my birthmother in Dec and sent her a letter in Jan. I was very happy she responded with a quick note to tell me she needs more time but I have yet to hear back and the wait is difficult. As hard as it will be I plan to give her all the time she needs.

[curiositykitten]

I think that you have to address the possibility that he might not know he was adopted. Or, that he might not know the full story about his adoption. It's hard when you are operating without the full knowlegde of the situation to gauge anyones reaction.

That being said you might consider your next contact via registered mail or fed ex, so that you get a signature confirmation, knowing that he got this from you.

You also don't know how much access he has to a computer privately which could be another factor.

That being said as an adoptee I rejected my biomom the first time she attempted to contact me almost 10 years ago. I didn't think I needed her in my life, I had a lot of anger and the shock of the fact that she was actually looking for me I think was the most overwhelming feeling. There were other factors at play there too but I don't want to hijack this thread and turn it into being about me.

My point is this year I decided that enough time had passed and that I was emotionally ready to go forward and start the reunion process. We're just exchanging emails now I can't seem to manage to pick up the phone and make that call. He might just need time, time to adjust, time to come to terms with things.

The important thing I would try to hammer across to him is that you will always be there whenever he is ready to reach out and he will always be welcomed into your life.

I would say keep on the bright side, I know it's hard, and keep thinking that he might just need time to process especially if he doesn't know about being adopted.

[shadow riderer]

Oceans, I just wanted to wish you luck. I agree with the others who say 10 days isn't really that long, although I know it seems like eternity for you.

Good luck and I'm keeping my fingers crossed, sending positive thoughts, and anything else that might help. I hope you hear back from him soon.

[Dickons]

I would send the letter and I would tell him you would like a chance at getting to know him...and also include in the letter a postcard addressed to you with postage.

I would write on the back of the postcard: Please drop this is the mail so I know you received my letter. I am here for you whenever you reach out. If I can contact you please write how you want me to contact you....along those lines...making sure you leave room for him to add details.

Good luck,
Dickons

[Lumpkin]

My thoughts are that if he isn't actively seeking you out, then you should make the information readily available through whatever mediums are out there for those searching, but you shouldn't be pushing the info on him.

If he doesn't know that he was adopted (or even worse, if it's not really who you think it is, and he wasn't adopted), receiving that information would turn his world upside down. Honestly I don't think it's a fair thing to do, as his family is in a better position to know when he is mature enough to know. If he's seeking his birth mother, he'll find you as long as you leave the clues out there. If he's not, it's simply not fair to upset his world just for your curiosity.

Medical information may have been important many decades ago, but with today's medical advances, he already knows more about himself medically than your parents knew about themselves, even knowing their family lineage.

The seed of information is in his hands now, no matter if its fair or not, so there is really nothing more that you should do. He'll look you up if he wants to. To do any more would be pushing contact on him, in my opinion.

Here's wishing you the best in coping with the wait and uncertainty, I can only imagine how difficult that must be.

[kdecrow]

10 days must seem like 10 years. I wish I was there to give you a hug.

You've been so patient, really a model for a lot of us out here. I do like Dickon's suggestion about the postcard.

Thinking of you so often and so much,

Kim

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by Lumpkin

Medical information may have been important many decades ago, but with today's medical advances, he already knows more about himself medically than your parents knew about themselves, even knowing their family lineage.

I disagree with this statement to a certain degree. I work in the medical field and family history plays an important part when putting together for your health history. Based on what you may have a family history of you can be fast tracked for 'early detection' testing for a whole slew of diseases. It can also help doctors narrow down possible causes of harder to diagnose diseases and better gauge what sort of labs they might order for you.

An example might be, if you have a first degree relative with a history of colon cancer, you would be fast tracked for a colonoscopy prior to the general age related screening (50 y/o) as an early detection method.

No, it isn't the end all be all, but even if he knows more about himself medically than people of the previous generation/s it's not something that I would write off so easily. It can still play an big factor in the diagnostic process and decision making.

[Oceans]

Mail is not really an option without me (or someone else) physically stalking a few addys to see if he comes or goes. Or I could hire someone or do a detailed background check but I'm not going there - I would consider mailing if I could but I want to respect his privacy too.

MS is the 100% way I know the info would get to him.

Lumpkin, I appreciate your perspective - I am 100% sure I have the right person. No questions about it. I have thought of everything you brought up which is why I asked so thank you.

Curiosity: We posted at the same time. I also agree with what you are saying about the medical stuff. There is one issue that I can see becoming a problem if he is unaware.

[bprice215]

There is always that possibility that he does not know he was adopted but I really wouldn't count on it. Yes I would send the letter but please note it is up to your birth son to reply because this is more about him and his feelings than it is about you and how you feel. We are in the same boat, my daughter contacted me almost two years ago and has made it plain that although she knows I am her birth father that is about as far as it goes. Her real father is her adopted father. I keep the lines of communication open because I love her, I can't help that. It is up to her and I realize that, that's just the way it is. At least I now know she's okay and doing good where before I knew nothing. Best of luck to you.
bprice215

[RavenSong]

Oceans, I say go with whatever your gut instincts are telling you to do at this point in time. I know you've put a lot of prayer into this. I think sometimes our instincts are an answer to prayer and guide us in what we should do.

In the overall scheme of things, ten days is not a lot of time. I wouldn't be surprised if it took another 3 or 4 weeks before K decides what he wants to do. I know the waiting period is driving you up the wall, but the one thing that bmoms learn in life is how to be patient. Keep hanging in there, girl!