[mystic04]

Hello.

I met my biological mother a couple of years ago, and she informed me that my biological father doesn't know that she ever had a baby. I have his name, and thanks to the Internet, I also have his address. I have been torn for quite some time now - do I let him know I exist, or not?

If I do tell him, I fear that I'll be putting a strain on the relationship he currently has with his wife (and children, if he has any.) But at the same time, I wonder if it is his right to know that he has an adult child. Has anyone dealt with this situation? What advice do you have?

[Oceans]

I can tell you from my experience that the bdad of my son would want to know. He also has other children but I feel confident in saying.... He would want to know.

That said, I would have some 'splaining to do

The man I am with now would also want to know. We have talked about this "what if" situation. He would be surprised (and have some questions of course) but he would want to know.

Also with the bdad of my son, I don't believe me or the fact that he had a son out there ever put a strain on his marriage. He may have told her early on (I dont know). I don't think that should be a concern. Even if it is.... You will be telling him. Not his wife or kids.

I would contact. You will never know if you dont try... hehehe I say that having asked the same question 3 months ago (should I contact my son).

Totally get the insecurity.... ((Hugs))

[Nicole28]

According to my non-identifying information, my biological father was unaware that he fathered a child, let alone that this child was relinquished for adoption.

I think this is a main source of the adoption-related anger that I feel.

I would contact him, of course!! - tell him that you have no expectations and respect him & the life and family that he has but that you felt as though he had a right to know.

Keep us updated!!

[Oceans]

Nichole - I know you are getting a ton of input on your situation lately so I have kept quiet. I hope you know I am only trying to help.

When I placed my son 26 years ago, I was encouraged not to name the bdad by the lawyer (even tho bdad knew). I did name him b/c I never wanted my son to think I didn't know who his bdad was but I could have easily gone the other way. Honestly, the decision to name him was selfish on my part.

In a recent placement I was involved with the bdad would not sign and this is an OA. He knew he couldn't raise the baby but he had his personal reasons (I wont even speculate b/c I'm not sure what they were). This bdad also loves his child and is involved in the OA.

Just know that because your bdad wasn't mentioned, doesn't mean he didn't know, he didn't care or he is unknown. There were so many half truths back then it's hard to know what's true and what isn't sometimes....

It's so unfair to you

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Nichole - I know you are getting a ton of input on your situation lately so I have kept quiet. I hope you know I am only trying to help.

When I placed my son 26 years ago, I was encouraged not to name the bdad by the lawyer (even tho bdad knew). I did name him b/c I never wanted my son to think I didn't know who his bdad was but I could have easily gone the other way. Honestly, the decision to name him was selfish on my part.

In a recent placement I was involved with the bdad would not sign and this is an OA. He knew he couldn't raise the baby but he had his personal reasons (I wont even speculate b/c I'm not sure what they were). This bdad also loves his child and is involved in the OA.

Just know that because your bdad wasn't mentioned, doesn't mean he didn't know, he didn't care or he is unknown. There were so many half truths back then it's hard to know what's true and what isn't sometimes....

It's so unfair to you

I have to agree with Oceans.

When I got my non identifing info from my state it didn't have a bio dad mentioned at all.

However, I have copies of my adoption forms that my biodad had to sign and have sealed at the courthouse where he lived to agree to the relenquishment. I'm not sure why he wasn't listed on the birth certificate but it can happen. Just because he's not on the b/c doesn't mean he might not know.

I've only just started a reunion with my bio mom, and am stil unsure whether or not to pursue my bio dad so I don't have any input to share on that part of things.

[snuffie]

It seems my bdad never knew he fathered me. Now he is elderly and has been married for many many years to someone he met long after I was born. He doesn't want his life disrupted and I can understand that.
I only mention my situation so that you can know that there is another scenario. I would have loved for my bdad to have welcomed me with open arms but that isn't going to happen.

I also agree that you will never know if you don't try. I know I HAD to try and there is some peace and closure in knowing that I've done everything I possibly could.

Snuffie

[mystic04]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I think I will contact him - we'll see what happens.

[kakuehl]

I wish you well in your attempt to contact your bfather. I did not tell D's birth dad until after he was born; J did sign the papers. I don't know if he told his first wife; I know he did tell his second wife. One of the sadnesses in my life is that D will never meet J who died in 2000. D does correspond with J's only other biochild (he had several stepchildren), although they have not yet met.

[lafayette87]

Have you seen the movie Across the Universe?

Jude's father didn't know he had a son. Jude showed up at his father workplace one day and said "Hi, I'm your son. I'm not looking for your money, or your love, I'm just here to let you know I exist."

Eventually his father comes around and helps him out of a tough spot, but that moment hit a spot for me. I think sometimes that all any adoptee wants - to let others know they exist.