[MoonAngel]

Hi there

I wanted to tell my story & hopefully get some great advice on how to proceed. About 11yrs ago my mother told me that she had a baby & placed her for adoption when she was in her late teens & before she married my father. I never judged her & understood her descision. I was going through a similar situation at the time & my mom told me to let me know she understood how I felt. This was a time before the internet was popular so I didn't know how to go about searching & my mom told me to never mention this to anyone. Over the years I've thought of my sister placed for adoption often. I feel a connection to her & knew someday I would find her.

Fast forward to now & I've found her. I have searched the internet with the small details I have gotten from my mother over the years & one day she was there on the reunion registry. I was crying & shaking with joy. I couldn't believe it was finally happening. I waited till the next day when I saw my mother in person & I told her that I had found her. I don't know what I expected, but definately not what she gave me. My mother was not happy & told me that I had no right to search for her. That this has nothing to do with me & that if I would contact my sister that she would never speak to me again. My mother & I have always been super close, but I guess now I feel differently about her. I love her & respect her choice for placing my sister so many years ago for adoption, but now my sister is searching for answers & I think my mother should give her that or at least let me. She is part of me & I believe that I have a right to know my sister who has already been kept from me my entire life. I also feel that my sister has a right to know her whole story if she chooses. I believe that it is a basic human right to know where you came from. Why should my sister or any adoptee have anyless if they choose.

My mother & I are still very close, but I suffer in silence & lie awake at night knowing that my sister is looking & I am right here. Should I go behind my mom's back & contact my sister? Should I just continue as I am? I have talked to my mom on several occasions since I have found my sister, but she holds strong to her feelings of no contact. Why did my mother put me in this situation. I guess she has no idea of who I am. I guess she thought I was more like her.

I have so many fears about this like what if I do make contact with my sister & I'm not what she wants. Maybe she just wants to know my mother.
What if I do make contact & my mother never speaks to me again. I have small children & I would never want to jeopardize their relationship with her.
What if I wait & something happens where I will never know her?

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank You

[Jackiejdajda]

My mother & I are still very close, but I suffer in silence & lie awake at night knowing that my sister is looking & I am right here. Should I go behind my mom's back & contact my sister? Should I just continue as I am? I have talked to my mom on several occasions since I have found my sister, but she holds strong to her feelings of no contact. Why did my mother put me in this situation. I guess she has no idea of who I am. I guess she thought I was more like her.

I have a feeling your mom knows she needs to sort this but is having a very hard time.. there may be some secret that she does not want to come out and the secret is more important than her feelings and your feelings and the feelings of the daughter she relinquished..
Your mother did not put you in this position.. She is into something she does not know how to handle.. and just wants it to go away..

Its not going to happen.. and she needs to turn around and accept that this is not going to go away..

I have so many fears about this like what if I do make contact with my sister & I'm not what she wants. Maybe she just wants to know my mother.
What if I do make contact & my mother never speaks to me again. I have small children & I would never want to jeopardize their relationship with her.
What if I wait & something happens where I will never know her?

We were told that if we signed the papers and walked away all would be kept secret..
It’s a false concept.. it’s a pretend concept and does not work..
I say give her some time.. maybe give her a time limit as to when you are going to connect with your half sister.. or ask her why..
One on one.. why she does not want to meet up with her relinquished daughter..
If she was okay she would meet her and tell her her medical info and get on with her life..

That is not the case..

Jackie

[cnb1099]

I am an adoptee who was found by my bmoms brother (also the only other person to know about my existence in her family)over 2 years ago. J did not tell anyone about me, not a single soul. So when I questioned when she would tell her family she told me when she felt the time was right. Two years passed and she never did. My uncle got tired of waiting and finally spilled to his oldest sister about Js secret. When my aunt confronted J about her discovery J was understandably upset but also told my aunt that she probably never would have told anyone if my uncle had not said something. I am still a secret to Js dad and two other brothers. I am not sure if she will ever tell them.

And while I would be lieing if I said that I was not ecstatic about my aunt knowing, I also have learned so much here, from the birthmoms, about the emotions involved in a reunion and the wounds that are opened with contact. And even through I will never understand it (never having walked that mile in those shoes) I know that I must respect it.

I know that you feel so very torn, and I totally get that.
And it seems so unfair. And I have no pearls of wisdom to give you other than to say that there are other people here who understand.

Feel free to pm me anytime!

[bfunke]

Hi, I am new to this forum but after reading your post, I felt compelled to reply.

I am an adult adoptee who has been in touch with my birth sister but has not yet made contact with my birth mom. My birth sister registered on an adoption registry a number of years ago as searching for me and back in November I came across the site and we made contact. My birth mother has no idea that we have been in touch and she has no idea that my birth sister even registered as searching for me. I am ecstatic to be in touch with my birth sister but I do think it's time that I try and make contact with my birth mom. My birth sister is afraid to let my birth mother know about searching on the registry because she thinks her mother will feel betrayed. I however can see know alternative as all three of us have different last names and it would be very hard to explain how it is I found my birth sister before my birth mom. I have told my birth sister that I would like to write a handwritten letter to my birth mom and make contact with her. Because this has been going on since November, I have been living on an emotional roller coaster and I need to move forward. I know too much to turn back now and so I have started to write the letter. I have advised my birth sister that maybe for now we do not have to tell my birth mom about how I found them and just worry about the now stuff and make contact. From there we can decide about how to tell her I found them. My birth sister says that her mother is also very touchy about the subject of me and has a lot of guilt about the time in her life when she gave me up. Whenever my birth sister has tried to talk to her about it, my birth mom says it is very personal and does not want my birth sister involved. The letter I am writing explains that I do not want anything but to let my birth mom know that I'm okay, that I've had a good life, that I am thankful to her and that she will always be very special to me. I would like contact with her if she is so inclined but if she is not then that is okay too. At least then I can have some closure on the situation and I can move forward with no regrets.

So that is what I am doing. I'm not sure how my birth sister is with all of this especially since she does not want me to mention the registry. But like I said, I can see no alternative and I don't want to start off our reunion with lies. I feel like we are all adults and we need to be honest with one another. Hopefully my birth mom will be able to move past the how of our situation and will want to get to know me and my family. Regardless of how this all turns out, I do want to get to know my birth sister better but I don't think we can do this until we deal with my birth mom.

I hope this gives you some insight into an adoptees side of things. My advice to you would be to make these decisions with no regrets. Probably easier said than done, but that is what I have done and now I feel like I have more control of the situation and my emotions are not all over the place. I'll let you know how things turn out if you're interested. Good luck! I know what you're going through...

[Robinsmom]

Wow, this sounds like my story, except that I was searching for my birthdaughter, not my kept daughter. I think that you have every right to get to know your sister. I have encouraged my kept children to have relationships with my adopted daughter. She needs the connection, they need the connection. I would never get in between that relationship even if I am at odds with my birthdaughter at the moment. Everybody has the desire to know where they came from. Your sister is no different. Just keep your mother out of it. If she doesn't desire to be part of it, don't make her. I know that if you don't do this, you will be sorry for it later in life. Your mother may come around in time, don't force it, and don't rub the situation in her face. Keep it a secret between you and your sister. Something special between the two of you. I think that if she is looking, it would only be fair to her if you told her you were looking too.
Colleen

[JustPeachy]

I think this is a very difficult and touchy situation and you will risk alienating your mom if you proceed against her wishes. OTOH, I understand your desire to reach out to your sister. You are in the middle of a tough situation, for sure. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd see if my mom was open to professional counseling with someone versed in adoption issues. The two of you could go together and maybe reach some compromise. Your mom is not ready to make contact with your sister, but she did tell you about her, so she obviously wanted you to know. Perhaps she wasn't prepared for the fact that one day you'd want to find her. Having a mediator to help sort through this might be a good start, rather than going behind your mom's back and sneaking around. I may be in the minority on this, but I feel like it would be preferable if your mom could make contact with your sister first, if somehow she could come to terms with it. For you to go over her head and do this, I think she may feel betrayed. You could be opening a whole can of worms that might be handled with more sensitivity to your mom's fears/feelings if you simply allowed for more time for her to sort through things. Also, there may be a way to get info to your sister (i.e. medical history, background info) in a way that would still maintain your mom's confidentiality, if that is where she is at this time. Good luck with this!

[slbullough]

Its a difficult situation you need to do what you think is right noone can make that choice for you. Hopefuly one day your mum may accept that you to feel a loss.
Goodluck
Adoptee

[Dickons]

Whatever path you choose must be one you can live with...not whether your mother can live with it...

I am an adoptee who would love to know my birth siblings on both sides, I cannot think of any better gift I could receive but the chance to get to know them. That one chance to see if a relationship could grow is all I ask for.

Parents can be so incredibly blind at times...having an unbiased counselor part of the conversation would be perfect but if that won't happen, have you sat your mom down and said this conversation is about Me and the fact that I have a sister and I want to meet her? Perhaps your mom cannot see outside of herself right now and if you only talk about you and what you need, might help get her outside of herself.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[MoonAngel]

I appreciate all of the wonderful replies I have received. It gives me so many different points of view & that really helps. I'm still thinking about the right path for me to take so please keep the ideas coming.

I have been searching this forum the past few days & a couple of adoptees had expressed needing to tackle their relationship with their birthmother/birthfather before the relationship with their birthsiblings. That is a big fear of mine too. I can see how this would be, as an adoptee, you know that you have birthparents, but it's not a definate that you have birthsiblings so I can see how it would be natural to put that relationship at the forefront of your mind. I feel such a connection to my sister even though I don't know her & a great need to get to know her. I just feel as though she is a part of me & I a part of her. I wish I knew how she felt or what she was looking for.
Does she just want info or something more like a relationship?

I wish I had the answers & I do realize whatever I choose I will have to take hold of my actions with full responsbility & no regrets. I would never contact my sister & ask her to keep it a secret from my mother when she made contact with her. That would put my sister in an awful position & I would imagine when you start a relationship with your birthmother you would want to be open & honest. Not keeping secrets.

Someone had mentioned that my mom wouldn't have told me if she didn't want me to know. Well she has said a few times since I found my sister that she wishes she never had told me & that if she knew I was going to search she wouldn't have. My mom is so stubborn & I don't see her coming around to the idea of contact ever. My sister will have to make the contact & then possibly if she is found she will open up, but until then she is not giving in. I wish she could find her & that would open my moms heart up to a relationship. I pray she finds her & that in turn opens the door for our relationship.

When I posted my story I felt so vulnerable, but everyone who has replied has made me feel at ease & I thank you for that. I think of my sister often & wonder if she has read this & thought it was about her. I feel such a connection that I feel that if she read this she would just know, but i guess that's just in dreams.

Thanks.
Angel

[Jackiejdajda]

Bfunke

I have advised my birth sister that maybe for now we do not have to tell my birth mom about how I found them and just worry about the now stuff and make contact. From there we can decide about how to tell her I found them. My birth sister says that her mother is also very touchy about the subject of me and has a lot of guilt about the time in her life when she gave me up. Whenever my birth sister has tried to talk to her about it, my birth mom says it is very personal and does not want my birth sister involved.

My suggestion is to tell the truth..

When I relinquished my son they told me to never speak of my son.. never tell.. They being my mom and dad and the so called experts..
Its toxic.... Coming out of hiding was hard but I needed to do it.. This because I had literally hidden in my home.. I only went out when I had to get groceries etc..and I only spoke to strangers.. And I was totally out of it.. I had to find my way back to my truths.. my real truths.. I had to tell my kids about their half brother.. I had to tell them why.. and I had to go for therapy because I was bulimic and was destroying my body..
Maybe your birthmom has not gone that far or maybe she has..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

MoonAngel

Someone had mentioned that my mom wouldn't have told me if she didn't want me to know. Well she has said a few times since I found my sister that she wishes she never had told me & that if she knew I was going to search she wouldn't have. My mom is so stubborn & I don't see her coming around to the idea of contact ever. My sister will have to make the contact & then possibly if she is found she will open up, but until then she is not giving in. I wish she could find her & that would open my moms heart up to a relationship. I pray she finds her & that in turn opens the door for our relationship.

Hiding our collective heads in the sand does not work..

Its far more painful where she is.. in my thinking.. but its so hard to get this very important fact across to someone that will not accept that this stuff needs to be sorted..

I do not think we can force people to come out of hiding.. but we do not need to help in the hiding..


page 19... Further Along the Road Less Traveled.. Scott Peck..

...So the myth is true. We really can not go back to Eden.. We must go
forward through the desert. But the journey is hard and consciousness
is often painful. And so most people stop their journey as quickly as
they can. They find what looks like a safe place, burrow into the
sand, and stay there rather than go forward through the painful
desert, which is filled with cactuses and thorns and sharp rocks..


Even if most people have been taught at one time or another that
"those things that hurt, instruct" (to borrow Benjamin Franklin's
phrase), the education of the desert is so painful they discontinue it
as early as they can..


Senility is not just a biological disorder. It can also be a
manifestation of a refusal to grow up, a psychological disorder
preventable by anyone who embarks on a lifetime pattern of
pyschospiritual growth. Those who stop learning and growing early in
their lives and stop changing and become fixed often lapse into what
is sometimes called their "second childhood". Then become whiny and
demanding and self-centered. But this isn't because they have entered
their second childhood. They have never left their first, and the
veneer of adulthood is worn thin, revealing the emotional child that
lurks underneath..

This last paragraph is kind of harsh and I am tempted to delete it..
But.. others are suffering from her desire to keep the secret..

Jackie

[Dickons]

Angel,

You have such love for your sister you must have faith that she will feel the same. Everyone in the adoption triad is afraid to make the first move yet some one has to. Someone needs to be the hero.

My dreams include all my family. The first time I talked to my brother on my fathers side was incredible, talking to my brother - wow - undescribable. I welcome any contact, it is a gift.

Kind regards,
Dickons

PS - I wish you were my sister because then I would know you cared.

[pjk267]

Originally Posted by MoonAngel

When I posted my story I felt so vulnerable, but everyone who has replied has made me feel at ease & I thank you for that. I think of my sister often & wonder if she has read this & thought it was about her. I feel such a connection that I feel that if she read this she would just know, but i guess that's just in dreams.

You know when I read this I did think, "Wouldn't it be great if she was my sister?". I am an adoptee that has not heard back from my birthmother, yet. I know I have sisters on both sides of the birthfamily. I think that if she is looking she will be happy to have any information. She is probably feeling what you are feeling. We are all vulnerable, it is okay. We are all sisters.

Good Luck and try to forgive your mom. She probably is doing the very best she can!!!

PJK

[Judi]

I couldn't let your post go and I'l tell you why. Back in 1995 when my birthson was found, I was so absolutely terrified that he would not want to meet me, would hate me for giving him away, and would never believe that I had loved him, that I waited until I thought it was the perfect time to write to him. The letter was received with joy and love, and we had all these plans to meet in the springtime. Two weeks after we connected by letter, he was killed in a one-car crash. And there it was.....for me and him alike - the end of all the dreams and although springtime came, it was a very sad time and I was alone again. My searcher had wisely told me while I was waiting that we are not often guaranteed tomorrow; at the time I truly didn't understand what she was trying to say. Think about this and don't wait too long to act.

[Searching_4_Her]

Hey hon, the only suggestion i have that would leave both u and ur sister without any guilt of secrets is this: Anonymously send her a message on the registry site that u think you've located her bmom. Give her ur mom's name, address, and any other pertinant info, and tell her to make contact. If she asks how u found it, tell her that ur ways of getting info are a private matter, but that ur 100% sure it's her bmom. She'll not know that it was her bsister giving her this info unless u tell her. She will contact ur mom, and hopefully u can go from there. u can also keep in contact with her on the registry site as a "friend" to stay connected until she learns of a sister! You wouldn't be lying to anyone and ur still not betraying ur mom. Me personally, I'm an adoptee. I would give ANYTHING if even 1 person contacted me. It would hurt tho 2 know that after i went through SO MUCH just to find my bmom, that my sister was sitting there all the time reading my posts and not saying anything. At least this way u can say that u tried to help BOTH sides come to grips with what happened. Good Luck!