[Harold W. Ruane]

Greetings,
Attached is a copy of a first contact letter. My situation is a little unusual, so if you have some questions they may be answered in my previous posts. Please let me know if you have any specific suggestions.

I am considering sending this to his myspace page, because he is still living at home, and his mother may unilaterally decide that it is not in his best interest. I want to keep it private, is this possible?
Thanks,
Harold

[kune]

Harold
I've suggested a couple of changes(orange) that I would make to the letter. I'm not saying yours isn't perfect, or my suggestions are better. I only wish to offer an impartial opinion. OK?

I hope that this letter is not an intrusion and you don't feel threatened by my using your MySpace to contact you. While you do not know me, you may know something of me; never the less, this correspondence may come as something of a surprise. My name is __________ and I believe you are my son When you were four years old, we met and over the course of several months, we spent a lot of time together. Attached are a couple of pictures from that time. Are they familiar to you? I].

I don't feel you should include the following section -

While your mother and I had some disagreements, please know that I do have respect for her and strongly believe that your best interests were always at the heart of her beliefs and actions. I cannot pretend to speak for your mom, and I do not intend to. My understanding was that she was opposed to a split family situation and wanted to have the opportunity to provide a two parent family for you. While I very much wanted to be involved and engaged in your life, I came to the precipice of initiating legal action to establish paternity; on that day I could not bring myself to force my way into your life. I could not risk that your mothers views may be right. While I have taken comfort and assurance knowing that you have a great and dedicated mother and wonderful grandparents, this has proven to be the most difficult and strenuous decision of my life. Please know that your best interests have always been first and foremost in my heart.

It's too easy to take a paragraph like this the wrong way - he may think you are making excuses or pointing a finger. There will be plenty of time for explanations and your story re custody later (hopefully). I much prefer part of your previous post from the thread ........

I have just had a friend die of cancer and I am afraid of losing a contact point once you leave home. Life is short, and there are no guarantees. I want more than anything for you to know that I love you, think of you often. I want to be part of your life. I want to share with you my life-story and I want my two young children to know you.
Harold....

Over the years I have attempted to stay in touch and have sent several letters in the care of your grandparents. Several years ago, a letter was returned to sender. Apparently their living situation had changed. So I asked a detective to search for you. Upon learning of your last name, I googled your name and discovered your myspace page, ( a very powerful experience for me.) In my excitement, I shared my discovery with my wife and my brother and sister. I have since learned that my sister’s daughter, ________, has contacted you. While her intent was good, I would have preferred to have made the first contact with you. While it has been exceedingly difficult to wait, I chose to heed the advice of reunion groups and literature and wait to contact you until you after you had graduated from high school.

Please know it is not my desire to invade your life in any way. That being said, I will gratefully embrace any opportunity to correspond with you. Additionally, please know that I will forever welcome the opportunity to, on your terms, meet you and get to know you. I will respect your privacy and honor your decision whatever way it goes.

So that I can know that this has reached you, I would appreciate an acknowledgment and perhaps some indication of your thoughts and feelings.

HAROLD.....INCLUDE ALL POINTS OF CONTACT....E-MAIL AND CELLPHONE ESPECIALLY.

I know you want to bring the Mom and your different views into the correspondence but if you keep it just between the two of you for this first letter, I think you will come over as more sincere and focussed on his needs rather than your.

WHEW- The 2 year wait must have been harrowing. My bson (37 yo) has recently met his bfather. They had a shakey start but are making a solid friendship that will ensure. I hope you can be part of your son's life in a fulfilling way.

Fingers Crossed XX
Ann

[Harold W. Ruane]

Ann,
Thank you so much. Indeed, the section that you pulled out is the section that I have the most misgivings about. It's a tough situation, it is difficult to leave those unanswered questions as a vacuum, but I very much agree that it can easily be misinterpretted. I fear that his mom may fill in the blanks and frame the situation to suit her purposes.

I have a little discomfort with the old quotes that you have included. Maybe it's a guy guy thing. While it's true enough, More than anything I do want him to know that I love him, and think about him often, I am also wondering whether it is appropriate to tug at heart strings, and whether that section could be interpretted as manipulative. And I wonder whether boldly stating that I want to be a part of his life is overly bold and perhaps an intrusive assumption.

Why would you change to "I believe that you are my son", as opposed to "I believe that I may be your biological father?"

Again, thank you so much. It is such a thicket and so difficult to navigate without getting stuck and roughed up. I very much appreciate your thoroughness and skill with the tools of the forum. I very much appreciate drawing upon the experience of the group and the different perspectives. While I know that it won't be perfect, I am confident that with the help of the group, that I will be able to craft and forge the best possible contact letter.

Thank you so much.
Harold

[kune]

Harold
Thanks for the nice words. I don't want to hi-jack your letter. You are right...it needs to come from your heart and represent what you need to say not use the words of a strange women who doesn't have a clue about you and your thoughts.

With my suggestions I'm trying to come from my own experience - 6 months of letter-writing that started my own reunion with my birthson. From his original letter (he found me) he wanted to know his own birth story, asked if I was open to contact, (explained he wanted more than a meeting) and hoped for a chance to have a continuing relationship with me and my family. Unlike your son, he had no knowledge or anyone to fill in the blanks.
I had a my own story to tell (finding myself pregnant, the response from the father, my family situation etc) but felt there was a need to share that face to face. Hence my suggestion to delete the middle section. I felt that information needed to be spoken face to face. I can understand how hard it would be for you if your son's Mom has a different story to tell.

Why would you change to "I believe that you are my son", as opposed to "I believe that I may be your biological father?"

One is more forthright .... (are my son instead of may be your bio father), and it's a very good time to take on-board that early reunion is all about the child/adult You are reaching out to him so the emphasis is on him My suggested

"I believe that you are my son"

makes him the priority. Subtle shift I admit but .........that's the way I'm wired (female you see That's also probably why I suggested.......I love you, think of you often. I want to be part of your life. I want to share with you my life-story and I want my two young children to know you. ......

Harold....I am sure he also wants to know who you are and what your life is like. Are you going to include a short precise of where your life-journey has taken you? My son hoped he was going to find someone who went on to have a happy life ( I did ) and was part of a loving family (I am)

OK - Enough from me. I hope you get the thoughts and ideas of others on the forum. It really is the most supportive environment. Those who helped me dodge the pot-holes and assured me that things were not stalled or over are now lifelong cyber-friends. We each have our own fears and insecurities, but from my perspective I can assure you that every day has been easier - I smile more and laugh often at how scared I was, and how blessed I am.

Kind regards
Ann

[Harold W. Ruane]

Please take a look at a revised draft, and offer suggestions, opinions, phrases, and thoughts or questions.... I think that I am close.

Additionally, does anyone have any suggestions for salutations.

HWR

[kune]

Harold
Reads pretty good to me. It's well written - thoughtful and sincere.

Ann

[bprice215]

Harold I am in agreement with Ann, it sounds great. I was going to make a few suggestion but Ann made them for me. A womans touch seems to enhance everything. Good luck, I hope it works out for you and your child.
bprice215

[kune]

Thanks bprice....glad we have consensus.

Harold....with the salutation go with your gut reaction. This child of yours has 1/2 your genes. You have to get it 1/2 right when you are weighing up what he would like or what would irk him....right? No point sweating the small stuff. If in doubt, Hi....... will always suffice.

Ann

[L@@king2]

Harold - read your second letter - perfect! I 'borrowed' a line or two from that... hope you don't mind! LOL!
Good luck in your journey - and I hope to hear how it goes - so be sure to keep 'us' in the loop! Welcome to the rollercoast! and the "P" word - a four-letter one!! Patience.... I have learned to live with it - I'm into 15 months of not hearing from my bdaughter that doesn't want contact... yes - it's a hard one! Again Good Luck!

[Harold W. Ruane]

This is a rough draft. I am trying to mitigate controversy with his mom, while also answering initial questions that I imagine he will quite naturally have.

Please review, and chime in with your opinion, and ay rephrasing, or restructuring that you might suggest.

hwr

[L@@king2]

Hey Harold! Just read your revised letter - Still looks good to me!! Go ahead and send it! Good Luck to you!

and PLEASE!! Keep us updated!

[Harold W. Ruane]

I was uncomfortable characterizing my understanding of his mother's point of view in the previous revision. I am endeavoring to speak courageously and honestly while avoiding potential controversy and pitfalls of misinterpretation. What do you think?

hwr

[kune]

I was uncomfortable characterizing my understanding of his mother's point of view in the previous revision. I am endeavoring to speak courageously and honestly while avoiding potential controversy and pitfalls of misinterpretation. What do you think?

You have achieved exactly that Harold. Like L@@king says.....send it.

Ann