[Oceans]

Or anyone else Many of you know my story… waiting for non-id info, frustrated with the wait, blah, blah… But today is exceedingly hard so I am trying to distract myself. Let’s say I get the info and find a name. I can always use a CI if necessary. But here’s my question.

Should I reach out and contact if he isn’t actively searching?

If you google his birth date in any numerical or alpha format, my info pops up. I am in every registry I know of so I’m not hard to find if he were looking. The fact that he hasn’t contacted me says 1) he’s not looking or 2) he’s not ready. Boys tend to look later than girls for the most part.

I’m about ready to say I will not contact now. Maybe I’m just trying to make this wait easier. Please tell me your opinion.

Should I contact when he’s not looking? Believe me, I am more than OK with a “No” answer. It’s the way I’m leaning…

[Jackiejdajda]

I had to tell my bson something I did not want to tell him.. about his birthfather and my lack of a name..
He had to be ready.. in my thinking.. he had to want to know what had happened.. and I needed to know he wanted this info or I would have been very afraid and worried that he would say something awful to me and I was vulnerable.. (yes I know my insane thinking)

I had my info up in the early to mid nineties.. and he contacted the very end of 1999..
He looked at his kids and decided to want to know about me.. he went to a Florida site and bam there I was.. I am sure it was a shock..
So my vote is to wait.. my bson was and is very computer literate..

Jackie

[megmagruder]

Oceans,

As an adult adoptee who has not started to look. I would be happy if my biological parents contacted me. I am 36. I may start looking since my DH and I are going to adopt, but it has not been on the fore front of my mind to search.

Good Luck!

[RavenSong]

Oceans, I've read so many times on these forums that adoptees often wait for their birthparents to search for them. I think some adoptees are afraid of being rejected, so they feel more comfortable if their birthmom reaches out first. But, really, there are so many variables, and every person is different.

I know you're really nervous, and possibly scared of your son rejecting any contact with you. He may or may not be ready for contact at 26 y/o. But my feelings are this: even if he isn't ready for contact now, at least he will know that you are open to reunion. He could very easily change his mind at a later point in time. I think that your reaching out to him will be seen as a loving act.

[loveajax]

Oceans, I agree with Raven (if only thinking about DH's situation....I don't think being "found" is a problem ....if he isn't ready, he isn't ready, but it will be nice for him to know you are there, I believe).

[Oceans]

Jackie - That's my thought. If he wants it, it's right there. He knows the door is open... Then I read Meg's and LA's response and I hate to think we are loosing years just because I'm not making the first move... There is a space for me I just need to ask...

And Raven, I hate to admit that you may be right. I might be nervous about rejection. I try to believe that I'm not overly anxious about reunion but this non-id wait is driving me bonkers. Maybe because I know I WILL get the info eventually. No question the county will send something.

If I contact, I don't plan on doing anything that would cause the door to close forever - and if it does - in no uncertain terms - well, I guess that would save years of wondering. Better to know sooner than later. And at least he would have contact info... in case of a medical emergency (God forbid).

I don't know... I could go either way. I just never thought I would be this anxious about getting non-id info. I really have done a lot of work in the past 8 years but this is making me doubt myself... I hate to admit it.

No matter what, once I do get the info, I know I need a break form ANY waiting game for awhile.

[txrnr]

Oceans,

I'm an adoptee, and I've searched (and found) but have not made contact. In the begining, I wasn't ready, then I was curious, then I got the information (last summer), and now I still haven't done a thing. A huge part of me doesn't want to interupt her life. I know, it's cowardly, but you hear so much about the closed era, and how bmom's were told to move on etc... I'd hate to pop up, 40 years later, and completely disrupt her life. All along, I said I'd be more than willing to meet her if she initiated it. I guess my point is, don't assume he hasn't looked, or isn't interested just because he hasn't chose to use the information he has.

Good luck!!

[snuffie]

I am a reunited adoptee. When I first started my search I didn't have a computer and wasn't computer literate. I was also very afraid and vacillated between "Yah, I'm going to do it" and "uh uh. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to disrupt her life" etc.
In my case, I found that my bmom had passed away. But if I had not searched I would never have met my bsiblings and so many other relatives - so many people in my life now that I can't imagine life before or without them.
Ultimately, it is your "gut" feeling that will tell you. I agree that thinking that you won't search can be a protective mechanism for you right now. The wait for non ID can be brutal!

Good luck!

Snuffie

[Oceans]

The wait for non ID can be brutal!

Snuffie - Thanks!! I needed that... It IS brutal!

[mooeylee]

Oceans, I have read your story and reponses. I am in a similar situation. My state has sealed records. Only the adoptee and A-family can obtain any info. The b-mom has no rights to any of it. I had, just recently, accepted the fact that my bson is in control. If he chooses to make contact, my info is out there too, like yours is. I guess patience really is a virtue! All the best!

[Oceans]

Txr: Thanks - It's crazy how we all want to be respectful and just hope the other contacts. I try to remind myself that most want contact - But it's tough.

mooeylee: Patience is something I have always been good at but this is testing me for sure. I can't believe you aren't allowed your non-id info!!! You were a part of half of the adoption. You should at least have access to some of the info!! How hard!

[mooeylee]

Thanks, Oceans. Is the non-ID info helpful at all? Since I can't get it, I am not sure what info they provide. I, too, have always had patience...but this system sure does test you to the limits!

[Oceans]

I got a tip from reading about my state's info that if you ask for a first name, they will sometimes give it to you - If it's not too unusual. Then there is also the chance that they miss crossing out a name or just send you the "white-out" copy.

I'm keeping everything crossed I'm not really sure what I'll get...

[txrnr]

Hey Oceans,

That's how I got all my info. They didn't white out the name in one place, and then left did a poor enough job whiting out other key names. (it helped that the last name wasn't exactly common either!)

Good luck with your wait, and I hope you get tons of info from yours.

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by Oceans

Or anyone else Many of you know my story… waiting for non-id info, frustrated with the wait, blah, blah… But today is exceedingly hard so I am trying to distract myself. Let’s say I get the info and find a name. I can always use a CI if necessary. But here’s my question.

Should I reach out and contact if he isn’t actively searching?

well... I did - and I'm a bmom!

Originally Posted by Oceans

snip...
Should I contact when he’s not looking? Believe me, I am more than OK with a “No” answer. It’s the way I’m leaning…

My bdaughter is 38 years old - and she has no desire for contact... at this time... so, yes - I have come to know that word... patience... unfortunately!

Good Luck to you, Ocean!!