[clarie]

Firstly, i am not sure if i have the right to be doing this as it is my Dad who was adopted not me. Although he did not initiate the contact i have made, he has given his consent for me to make contact as he wants to know details but is too insecure and unsure of reaction to do this himself.
This is my story so far: my Dad was adopted 6 weeks after birth, his adoptive Mother, who he was very close to, died when he was 12 yrs and his adoptive Father who did not care for him much after losing his wife died when my Dad was 21 yrs. My Dad is now 60 yrs old. After doing my family tree i became very curious to know the circumstances of my Dad's adoption...he had grown up knowing he was adopted and miraculously remembered his birth name. From this, it took me a year to eventually find out his bmom's current address and phone number (she immigrated from UK to the USA) and also that she is now an 80 yr old lady, married several years after giving my Dad up for adoption with another son born 10 years after my Dad. She still lives with her husband. I also researched into her family a little and know that she gave birther to my Dad as an unmarried mother at age 19, she has several brothers and sisters which i also obtained contact info for. Consulting my Dad all through this, we decided for my Dad to obtain his official adoption records, which he did, and this confirmed all the info i had found and in addition, we found his bdad was a polish soldier stationed in UK, not mentioned on birth cert but mentioned in letters to the adoption court. We were advised by an adoption adviser to have a letter sent to bmom from the advisers as a general enquiry about matters she may be able to help with in a format that it gave her the option to not reveal anything to her husband as we did not know if he is aware of the circumstances or not. This process of obtaining info, having letter sent etc was taking several months and i became impatient with the time taking. After consulting and getting agreement from my Dad, I decided to call the bmom's sister rather than the bmom whose contact details i had obtained. No answer. I called the bmom's brother who did answer and a rather awkward conversation followed. I nervously told him who i was and etc...he denied any knowledge of his sister's teenage birth and gave me a new phone number of another sister (not bmom) saying i should call and discuss this with her. i got the feeling he knew full well about his sister's circumstances but i understand he was uncomfortable talking about it (he is 88 yrs and while he was getting phone number for me i could hear his loud conversation with his wife in which she harshly stated "i knew this would happen sooner or later"...) After this reaction, i felt a bit unsure of what i was doing but decided to call the bmom's sister. Thankfully, this lady who is also elderly at 77 yrs was a huge comfort. Suprised to hear from me after i told her who i was, yet amazingly calm and happy to talk for an hour or so. During the conversation, i learnt that my Dad had been taken to their family home after the birth and he was breastfed and loved by them for 6 weeks. This lady told me my Dad was a beautiful baby and as she shared a bedroom with her sister, she got to hold him and care for him until he was given up for adoption. She told me after the war there was not much money to spare and her sister was young and unmarried. She said she has often thought of him since and recently had been thinking about my Dad alot so she was glad i had called and told her my Dad was ok...i told her about all our family. She also told me that her sister, the bmom, would not likely have told the husband about my Dad but if she had, it has never been discussed since as far as she knows. She thought it unlikely her sister would want to have contact with my Dad but if we want we could visit her when i am back in England (i live in Mexico). This made me a little uneasy as i dont want her keeping secrets from her sister and i told her that and that a letter that had just been sent to her sister and she thought it was a good idea. She did tell me her sister was on holiday and would be back in 2 weeks. That was 3 weeks ago. I spoke to the sister again today. She had decided to tell her sister that i had contacted her and mentioned that there may be a letter arriving, which the bmom confirmed she had recieved. The sister although still friendly, now seemed reserved and told me her sister did not want to know the name of my Dad. She said her conversation with her sister was cut short so she doesnt really know what her sister thinks...and she will likely call her again later in the week. She said as it has been 60 years and they were not expecting "these things to come back an haunt them after mistakes were made a long time ago". I told her i am glad the "mistake" was made or i would not be here...I asked her to tell her sister we do not want to upset her family in any way and there is no pressure for her to contact us and we will not call her directly....i did not want her to panic as the husbnd situation may worry her....we really dont want to upset anyone. I left her with my email address saying if they want to contact me they can. But now i keep going over what she said and feel hurt and confused. I cannot tell my Dad that his bmom does not want to know his name. I cannot even tell him i just had this conversation.... will think and call him tomorrow. I dont know if i made a big mistake by calling the sister, but the first conversation 3 wks ago was great and now everything just turned around. I cannot believe how angry i am at the "mistake and haunting" comment although i know she did not mean to be insensitive, but really.....my Dad did not ask for this situation, he was born into it! I feel like calling the bmom and saying "hey lady....this is the result of your life choices, at least acknowledge your son"...but i know i cannot. I know there are 2 sides to everything and these things are hugely delicate....i know the bmom will have emotions about this too...i know her situation with the husband may be hard....but i guess i still think my Dad deserves a reaction from her...everyone keeps telling me "her feelings, her feelings, her feelings..."...well what about my Dad's feelings?? Maybe i should have left this alone and never started...i am feeling i have made a big mistake or rushed things too much...but she is 80 yrs old and my Grandmother...i am very anxious and confused and cant sit still...any advice would really be appreciated...

[Oceans]

I am sorry you are feeling hurt & confused. I also contacted my birthgrandma years ago but it was under different circumstances so there isn't a lot of comparables here...

Reunions need to move slowly in most cases. Right now, you are in one with your great aunt. Work on that relationship. I know you are feeling like you are keeping secrets from your birthgma but YOU aren't. You can only control your actions. If you nurture this relationship, you may get everything you want as far as family history goes. Your great aunt may open the door wider for you once you establish a relationship with her.

Step back and take sometime to be honest with yourself. Why are you doing this, was it for your Dad or you... Was it for family history or did you want a relationship... Once you get some clarity around what you want (and it is OK to want something), I think it will be easier to move forward.

You will never be able to force a relationship where one is not wanted. But if you spend sometime nurturing the one you have, you can leave the door open.

Also, read the book "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. That will give you some perspective on where your grandma is coming from... Also I wanted to say..

She said as it has been 60 years and they were not expecting "these things to come back an haunt them after mistakes were made a long time ago".

The mistake they could have been referring to was the actual adoption your Dad. Be careful about reading too much into what people say when it comes to adoption. Misunderstandings have a way of taking on a life of their own when so much emotion is involved. It sounds like your Dad's family really loved him... They were just stuck in an impossible situation compounded by the war...

Best of luck!

[Jackiejdajda]

I would give everyone (including yourself) time to digest what is happening..

When your dad was born the times were very very different.. and if his birthmom told no one then she has not progressed through a lot of the emotional quagmires that come with giving a child up in secrecy.. IMO
They know not what they do in other words..

You are looking for your relatives.. your past your history.. and now you have answers and they may be answers that are difficult but they are answers.. I would back off if I were you.. tell your dad the truth give him the phone numbers and tell him exactly what is happening and then give him a chance to decide.. The secrecy and the lies hurt as you have learned.. They divide and separate..

Early days to this.. early early days..

Jackie

[snuffie]

Oh, such different times - when having a baby with no husband was considered the worst thing that could possibly happen. When families were torn apart by the "secret". When we adoptees were asked to play a great game of "pretend" with our bcertificates changed to "make believe" that we are someone other than who we were born.

It is difficult to put ourselves in the place of people who grew up in times like those. It is also difficult to understand the thoughts of those who are in their 80's. (although as each year passes it is getting easier) When you think about it, its been 60 years since this happened. With no counseling available its been 60 years of hidden emotions. Many, many years of keeping the secret from everyone. How does one change that overnight?

I bristle when I read things like "mistake and haunting" because it is so narrow minded. It also make me angry to have others continually talk about bmom's feelings. And want to shout -WHAT about OURS. We had nothing to do with the circumstance of our birth. But it is easier for some to deal with us as abstracts then as real people with very real feelings and emotions. And then we show up after many, many years bringing with us the key to opening all of those emotions long locked away. We become not the "secret" but real live human beings. Not as easy to deal with as an "abstract".

I agree with the others. It is still very early in all of this and things may change. If your baunt is willing she may be a very good source of family history - maybe even some photos.

It would have been wonderful to have your grandma waiting with open arms and so hurtful to think she may not be. But words are just words. Who really knows if she is hurting deep down because circumstances or her perception of circumstances keeps her from doing what she may want to do?

As far as telling your dad, maybe you could tell him that because of circumstances in her life, his mother does not want contact with him at this time. You do know the circumstances surrounding his first weeks of life and it sounds like his family was very loving toward him. Maybe you could emphasize that. You could give him the contact information and leave the rest up to him.

I know all of this hurts and angers so much. But as many of us have found, sometimes we have to be satisfied with just "knowing" not a relationship.


Snuffie

[clarie]

thank you all for your thoughts and advice....i dont think i took the "haunting" comment out of context...i think that is really what was meant although i do appreciate the comment and will try to keep an open mind about it. I also want to re-emphasize that my Dad is really wanting to do this aswell...not just me...
I did talk to my Dad yesterday and told him that the bmom is a shocked, suprised, unsure and will need time to take in the circumstances. Have to say though, i felt bad for my Dad as he seemed disappointed and i really think he wants his bmom to at the very least acknowledge him. I reassured him that this is early stages after reading your comments which were very helpful, as previously i kind of thought well thats the end of that then...i realise now that these emotions and decisions are delicate and life changed requiring more condieration than i had prviously imagined.
I also appreciate the comments asking the big question ...why am i really doing this??...for me?...for my Dad??...for knowledge??..for family history??...for reunion??...well, i definitely know the answer to that one....ALL OF THE ABOVE!! Hadnt quite thought about why i was doing it before but doesn't any person what clarification on all of the above whether admitted or not?? Most people are born with knowledge of all the above and luckily dont have to contemplate it taking it all for granted because they are born with it....but for those who find themselves in the fairly rare situation of adoption....whichever side of the action...are always experiencing some kind of forced thinking over a fairly long time period with little or no support no???

[mooeylee]

Although this is a frustrating situation, you seem like a sensitive and caring person. Trying to understand both sides of adoption can be mind boggling. I am a birthmom searching for her son in a state with sealed records and very little information. My only hope is this website. Things in the early 70's were not that different. I was one of "the girls that went away." Sent (in shame) to live with an Aunt and Uncle. Being only 17 at the time, my wishes did not matter, emotionally or legally. I will never understand completely how my parents could not stand by me, but times really were different then. While searching for my son, I am also afraid. What if he rejects me, had a terrible life, etc. What if I am a grandmother, he wants a relationship...how will that change all of our lives? I never had another child by choice.
I hope everything works out for you and your Dad. And I hope this helps you in some small way. We are all here to support one another.

[Jackiejdajda]

Snuffie

Oh, such different times - when having a baby with no husband was considered the worst thing that could possibly happen. When families were torn apart by the "secret". When we adoptees were asked to play a great game of "pretend" with our bcertificates changed to "make believe" that we are someone other than who we were born.

It was a terrible time..
It still is.. when a person is expected to be dictated by the state to be a non person.. or a non original birthcertificate person..

And now the consequences is that this wonderful woman (mooeylee) and her dad are being shown a wall..
We were bought and sold in those days.. all wearing our fake wedding ring..
I hated my fake wedding ring.. I (to this day) will not wear a wedding ring.. I have been married over thirty years too.. heck.. 38 years..

It is difficult to put ourselves in the place of people who grew up in times like those. It is also difficult to understand the thoughts of those who are in their 80's. (although as each year passes it is getting easier) When you think about it, its been 60 years since this happened. With no counseling available its been 60 years of hidden emotions. Many, many years of keeping the secret from everyone. How does one change that overnight?

I have an image of an eighty year old.. woman.. that I want to help.. At least she knows he is okay.. mooeylee..
She may not be able to acknowledge what is going down.. she may not be able to speak of it.. Lies and secrets have lives of their own..
But she knows.. he is okay..
Pretending emotions away become a way of life.. for some..

I bristle when I read things like "mistake and haunting" because it is so narrow minded. It also make me angry to have others continually talk about bmom's feelings. And want to shout -WHAT about OURS.

Its terrible beyond words.. the pain caused by all this..

And I do not think some birthparents have a clue as to what they are doing.. some birthparents are totally caught up in their emotional trip.. their loss.. but then that is what they are taught..
You come home from the hospital and are told.. shhhhhhh… the walls have ears.. and we must not let them know..
No love.. no hugs.. No giving by someone that supposedly loves you..

How can we give what we were not given.. and these "not good enough" words.. just keep going and going..

Jackie

[Oceans]

I also appreciate the comments asking the big question ...why am i really doing this??...for me?...for my Dad??...for knowledge??..for family history??...for reunion??...well, i definitely know the answer to that one....ALL OF THE ABOVE!! Hadnt quite thought about why i was doing it before but doesn't any person what clarification on all of the above whether admitted or not?? Most people are born with knowledge of all the above and luckily dont have to contemplate it taking it all for granted because they are born with it....but for those who find themselves in the fairly rare situation of adoption....whichever side of the action...are always experiencing some kind of forced thinking over a fairly long time period with little or no support no???

Claire: I am glad to hear this... Some people go into reunion only wanting history or medical information and the expectations on each side are lopsided. Someone always gets hurts. Having clarity is important. I didn't have this with my birth g-ma and I messed things up pretty bad. It ended up hurting her which I will forever regret.

I say give it time. Nurture the relationship you have now. Reunion can be a looong process - If you keep in touch with your g-Aunt, information will invariable filter through and attitudes may change. If you discontinue contact, you are pretty much guarenteeing you will miss the opportunity to know your family better. (((Hugs)))

Best of luck!

[L@@king2]

Great words Jackie... as usual! Oh those fake wedding rings!! LOL! my god - I haven't thought about that in years!!

Mooeylee - I too went searching for my daughter that I gave up in '69 - and yes, I too was one of those 'girls that went away'! My bdaughter has asked for no contact... until she is ready, and that was 1/27/07 - but I have patience!! LOL! and Hope! and have written a letter I plan on sending out April 16th - 39 days to go... I have revised it SO many times... I've lost count! But I believe I have a 'good' one to go! Good luck in your journey Mooeylee! I wish you all the best and you'll also learn of that word.... patience!

Claire - you got some good advice here... I wish you the best - and to your Dad! I agree - I'd keep in touch with your g-aunt! Ya never know!! Good Luck!

and keep us updated!!

[clarie]

thank you all for your helpful and useful comments...it is comforting to know that there are caring people who understand my feelings...
I did phone my bgreataunt again and she said again that there is not much point in trying to catch up on 60 missed years...but she had not spoken to her sister again and said that she may need time to think about things, but not to get my hopes up....hurts... but i respect that it is her decision. I said i wouldn't call again as i don't want to bother them if they do not want further contact, but I did leave her with my phone number and email address ...asked that she please gives these details to her sister even if she does not want to contact me...so if she changes her mind she has the contact details. She said she would. I guess the ball is in her court....
Thanks again to all...this is all new to me and i see you are all on this forum for your own situations....and i hope from the bottom of my heart that you all have success with your "directions"...big hug, Clare xxx