[jlallinson]

I would like to know what most people expect from reunions. Are people searching just so they can "see" what she looks like, or do they really want to get to know her and have a continual relationship? What type of relationship do you expect to have with your birthmoms? As an adoptive parent, what type of relationship do you expect to have with the birthparent?

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by jlallinson

I would like to know what most people expect from reunions. Are people searching just so they can "see" what she looks like, or do they really want to get to know her and have a continual relationship? What type of relationship do you expect to have with your birthmoms? As an adoptive parent, what type of relationship do you expect to have with the birthparent?

The motives that a person has to start with, doesn't necessarily end up being the same as reunion progresses (or stops). My counselling warned me to watch out for fantasy on both our parts and unrealistic expectations. I think that was a fair comment. My son found me and he felt I was the answer to everything, that I would automatically understand him, BE him to a point and that everything would be fine now that I was back in his life.

We had our first F2F within 4 weeks and then reality hit him. The emotions that arose in him after actually meeting me his bmother after 28 years apart sent him orbital. He just wasn't expecting to feel like that. What was initially emails and letters promising what we were going to do, go to Spain, enjoy times together, came to an abrupt halt. So what I am saying, is that it started with one motive but ended up changing direction.

I ended up finding (thank goodness) these forums by accident on google and this has sustained me as I haven't seen my son since that first F2F about 20 months ago. My motives have been unchanged, but I have made considerable efforts by posting here, reading, understanding why he was showing such confusing behaviour.

I have to admit to being naive. I thought I would meet my son, that we would write once a week and meet up once a month. Boy how wrong I was on that score.

To start with the aparents were the 'enemy' and my son wanted me to collude with this and I didn't. Part of me wanted to, but eventually I could see (through Verrier, forums etc) that this was not the way to go. I have adapted but at quite a cost emotionally and to my health. I am having to pull back, the emotional demands and baggage my son has dumped on me nearly sent me into mental decline (if it hasn't already).

So what I am saying is that the reasons can be genuine enough, but once the defensive mechanisms kick into place from the adoptee, if you are not prepared for it, the pull back, the testing behaviour, and so on, it can send the reunion into terminal decline. Plus one needs fantastic support (which has always been great here) and patience until you are sick of the word and nerves of steel as you are up and down on the Roller Coaster (again, another hated expression by those that have experienced it).

So these are my thoughts on reunion and expectations. I started with some but they have been squashed - totally. My son started off thinking the world was great, but fantasy had to come down to earth and when it did it was with a bump. He's not as committed to the relationship at this moment in time as I am, he was, but things have changed. Until he can understand where he is coming from and accept the right help, then the original purpose of finding me will not get back on track.

[Wendy645]

I suppose I'll have to see how this goes, but I am searching because I don't have any other siblings and would love to know what my brother is like, what his life has been like, and the man he is now.

My mother wanted to find him to see what had happened in his life since she had to give him up but was afraid he might hate her and made the choice not to, but 110% supports my finding him.

After all, how could he be mad at me? I didn't sign the papers. Heck, I didn't come along until 11 years later.

Now that I'm on the verge of contact, I don't have any expectations, and my hope is merely that he knows he's adopted and is willing to talk to me. From there, anything else is just bonus as far as I'm concerned!

[kune]

Reunion for me .....closure.
Closure for what was, and a beginning for what is possible.

Ann

[Maria68]

I don't expect much from being reunited.
My husband was reunited with his b.daughter and had such high expectations from their relationship & reunion. He was crushed when she went on with her life and on with her family...the family that she knows & loves. Seeing his pain has taught me not to fantasize and dream about something that isn't going to happen.

I would like to see who she looks like. Her likes & dislikes. I'll give her my medical history info (cancer), perhaps some pictures and just leave it at that. I totally understand she has her mom & dad. She had uncles, aunts, cousins and perhaps brothers & sisters...a whole family that loves her and has been there for her. Who would I be in her life? Just me. Someone she met. Someone she might feel some connection to, but I'll always just be me.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Maria68

I don't expect much from being reunited.
My husband was reunited with his b.daughter and had such high expectations from their relationship & reunion. He was crushed when she went on with her life and on with her family...

Its been a while since I've been on these boards. I have not contacted or returned emails/phone call from my son for over a month now. Once I built up the trust with his mother (adoptive) and I was allowed to phone him direct at home, its as if he couldn't make the effort and he left it 2 months the last time to call me (usually every 2nd week) and then left an annoyed message, why wasn't I (running after him - in my opinion) contacting him? At times I felt very manipulated in this reunion relationship with him, I think control was possibly part of what he exerted on me.

He entered into reunion with me after finding me and totally took me for granted. It was as if I was supposed to 'know' this complete stranger and he hammered me week after week with his emotional problems, his drug taking and his alcohol problems and other stuff. After 2 years of doing everything I possibly could to get him on an even keel, something just snapped. He just couldn't make the effort to see me and I guess I just couldn't take the hammering and I got disillusioned. I realised I didn't want him in my life, there was nothing to hope for, he'd taken hope away.

I've never been a mother, I'm single, I have a life and he made it clear he would only bring deeply distressing stuff into my life, as if I hadn't worked my way through my own baggage over the years....

He wouldn't avail himself of ANY help. His mother said to me that she didn't want him in the house whilst his father and her went on holiday, as she knew what would happen - he would bring his friends in and make one heck of a mess. She said that he was drinking as much as 10 pints of beer a night at times and recently got into a fight with someone. Something inside me flipped.

It was apparent to me that I was some whipping board, and I'd had 2 years of it. No more. I am getting on with my life. Its as if I was to make all the effort and he could do what he liked. I think high expectations can be exactly that -high. Anyone approaching reunion should realise the fragility of feelings and emotions both sides and build up a relationship slowly, tentatively and have low expectations. I was SO willing to be part of my son's life and he has effectively destroyed what was a good thing running, simply because he has turned out to be the kind of person he has turned out to be - wants everyone else to do the work and he will sit there and do nothing.

Am I bitter? No. I'm glad the hole in my heart has healed now, I am able to move on with my life. I gave my son life and three decades on he looks like he wants to self abort. Its a strange feeling I can tell you. I've done with the self blame, the guilt, I've left it behind. I have reached a turning point, my head has been kicked in far too many times.

Each person in reunion has to realise that they need to be 'taught' how to approach it, get all the info they can, not wing it on a leg and a prayer as my son has done. Get counselling if possible, work through the baggage where one can, don't bring certain stuff into the relationship. Nancy Verrier is great in my opinion for understanding what is going on in adoption reunions.

She says that a birth mother should NEVER turn her back on her adopted child in reunion. Well, thats good if you can take the kind of **** on a regular basis year in year out. I can't stomach it anymore. Someone here has to make the effort, mine has been made, his mother and father have stood by him, but he has to learn in life that effort has to be made, life doesn't come on an automatic platter...

I'm afraid to say that I've reached a point where the damage is done now and I don't want to go back. Two years is one heck of a time to go on a reunion I"ve just been through.

I've heard of better reunions on these forums and they were good to read. Not sure if I'm ever coming back again here, but just wanted to put my thoughts down, a release I guess, c'ause its sad that my son has such an attitude that this reunion isn't going to work.

[JustPeachy]

I try not to have expectations, but I cannot help but have wishes for some kind of ongoing relationship with my child. We are not there yet, as far as meeting or anything, but since I have communicated with him and his family in letters/pictures through an intermediary all these years, it would seem strange to not eventually have independent contact at some point, with some sort of regularity. Even if it were a few times a year, I would be thrilled! If this is not able to happen, or is not desired, I will have to accept it. What else can I do?

[RavenSong]

Hi, Janny...

Long time no see. The last time you were on the boards, as I recall, things were going better in your relationship with your son. What happened with the two of you? I'm so very sorry to hear that you've decided to cut him out of your life. Are you sure that's what you want??

I think several of us have pointed out to you that T has a serious substance abuse problem...he's suffers from alcoholism. Did you ever look into attending an AlAnon meeting? As I recall, I sent you the website address of the UK AlAnon program.

Alcoholism is a serious disease, but it is entirely treatable. As far as T is concerned, I think you probably would get a lot more out of going to AlAnon meetings than reading and re-reading Nancy Verrier's books. Many of your son's behavior problems that you've struggled so much with in the past two years are not so much adoption-related as they are alcoholism-related, IMHO.

I'm sorry that your relationship with him has ended this way. I'm glad that you feel more in control of your life now, though. Good luck, and I hope you come back here from time to time, and let us know how you're doing.

[Jackiejdajda]

As one of my sponsors said to me..."You are speaking to the drug and not the person."

She says that a birth mother should NEVER turn her back on her adopted child in reunion. Well, thats good if you can take the kind of **** on a regular basis year in year out. I can't stomach it anymore. Someone here has to make the effort, mine has been made, his mother and father have stood by him, but he has to learn in life that effort has to be made, life doesn't come on an automatic platter...

I think we all need to put up boundaries with an 'acting out' person.. and we need not be taken hostage..
We must not be taken hostage because then we are into the disease and not the person..

Sometimes leaving the drunk/addict is a saving yourself scenario.. we can still love them.. we can love them with all our hearts.. but we need need to tell them that their actions are not acceptable..
If we cater to them.. if we enable them then we are keeping them in the addiction.. I know that place..

Janny you got a double whammy.. you have had to deal with the issues of reunion plus the acting out of your bson..
I am sure more than a few adoptees or heck birthparents or anyone connected to adoption have used peoples emotions in order to be able to continue to act out..
If we enable the addict they will not get better..

Lesson one in Alanon IMO..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Maria68

I would like to see who she looks like. Her likes & dislikes. I'll give her my medical history info (cancer), perhaps some pictures and just leave it at that.

I think that if we keep working toward this eventually it will happen..

Welcome to the boards Maria..

Jackie