[MrsHoot]

After a year of email contact my BD says she is now ready to meet face to face...in 2 days! To say I am having mixed emotions is an understatement! I haven’t even convinced myself it’s really going to happen.

Why you ask? Well, this meeting was supposed to take place last weekend...we were all set to meet when she told me she had told her parents about it and they insisted on attended our lunch. The way she phrased it to me was that she was put in a very uncomfortable position and couldn’t tell them “no”...when I said I would prefer to meet her without them she was relieved and I thought we were all set...but the phone never rang that day – she never called and we had to leave town without seeing her. I was heartbroken!

When I got home we exchanged several emails, the end result was that she was going back to that city this Sunday and wanted me to drive back there to meet up with her after her appointment.

But that was 5 days ago, I haven’t heard from her since and a snow storm is now predicted to cover the entire 4 state area! So on the worst weather weekend of the year I’m supposed to drive 200 miles (each way) to meet her...do I really think that this is going to happen – nope, no way, not a chance in the world!

So I guess I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario – I was so hurt last weekend, I cried the whole way home! And my husband and children have really paid the price this week...I’ve been sad, withdrawn and a little depressed...I can’t and don’t want to go through that hurt again...talk about feeling rejected!

I just told my husband last night that I was supposed to be gone again this Sunday, he’s as skeptical as I am...I still haven’t told my 14 y.o. daughter – she was with me last weekend and SO excited that she would meet her ‘big sister’...I would have preferred to meet BD alone but had already planned to travel with other daughter so she had to be included but this time it’s different...I want to go alone but no fear the 14y.o. is going to be hurt and feel left out. Hubby also suggested going in on Saturday and getting a hotel room for the night...but if she doesn’t come it’s another wasted trip!

BD has talk about coming up here on and off for 6 months now and it’s never materialized... This should be one of the most exciting times of my life but I’m just so numb from the recent disappointment that I can’t get myself excited about the possibility of meeting her in 2 days...

[Jackiejdajda]

When I got home we exchanged several emails, the end result was that she was going back to that city this Sunday and wanted me to drive back there to meet up with her after her appointment.

But that was 5 days ago, I haven’t heard from her since and a snow storm is now predicted to cover the entire 4 state area! So on the worst weather weekend of the year I’m supposed to drive 200 miles (each way) to meet her...do I really think that this is going to happen – nope, no way, not a chance in the world!

Ohhhh I know this one..
The meet up is supposed to happen and no phone calls..
I am so sorry this is happening..

So I guess I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario – I was so hurt last weekend, I cried the whole way home! And my husband and children have really paid the price this week...I’ve been sad, withdrawn and a little depressed...I can’t and don’t want to go through that hurt again...talk about feeling rejected!

I think this is part of reunion.. Crying is a good thing.. IMO
Getting the emotions out.. is what is supposed to happen.. this stuff is big..

I just told my husband last night that I was supposed to be gone again this Sunday, he’s as skeptical as I am...I still haven’t told my 14 y.o. daughter – she was with me last weekend and SO excited that she would meet her ‘big sister’...I would have preferred to meet BD alone but had already planned to travel with other daughter so she had to be included but this time it’s different...I want to go alone but no fear the 14y.o. is going to be hurt and feel left out. Hubby also suggested going in on Saturday and getting a hotel room for the night...but if she doesn’t come it’s another wasted trip!

Two steps forward and one step back..
I almost got upset with my bson when these kinds of things happened when we first met..
But I know now how adoptees have just as many issues as we have when this first meet up happens..

Its part of it..

BD has talk about coming up here on and off for 6 months now and it’s never materialized... This should be one of the most exciting times of my life but I’m just so numb from the recent disappointment that I can’t get myself excited about the possibility of meeting her in 2 days...

Your emotions are being.. torn.. if you can stand back and see the reasons why it may help..
And one day you will be past it.. it will have gone down and you will have memories..
Take a camera.. write about it..
It’s a journey back to your birthdaughter and sometimes the road is difficult and bumpy..
Keep trying..

Your post takes me back to those emotions.. they were so difficult..

Jackie

[genee]

Hi,
I am an adoptee that met my B-mom a year ago. It was extrememly scary and a hard to take that step. Please don't think she has cold feet for any other reason than that. That first meeting is a life changer. Give her time and understanding. It is still scary and I have been around my B-mom 3 times now. There are sooo many emotions that are like a tidal wave in that situation. Take care...genée

[MrsHoot]

Thanks, Jackie & Genee - for your responses! It’s nice to hear from both sides.

I know she's all freaked out about it and not dealing with it on the same emotional level as I am....after all she has been in my heart and on my mind for the last 22 years...I have only been a passing thought for her.

And I think that there is still, for both of us, this surreal aspect to it all...we’ve only talked via email – not even once on the phone – so there’s nothing “tangible” yet...and I think that’s part of her dilemma...once we meet f2f it becomes absolutely real for the very first time...I’m not sure she’s prepared to deal with it...for that matter am I?!

As much as I’d like to deny it and despite the ice storm that’s already hit her and moving its way towards me, I am getting my hopes up that I will actually see her TOMORROW!

I’ve spent the last two days reading up on reunions and gathering up old pictures to show her...me as a baby, my other kids as babies, pictures of my mother and her family, my father and his family....I don’t know what else to bring.

Wish me luck!

[hunny0404]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

:And I think that there is still, for both of us, this surreal aspect to it all...we’ve only talked via email – not even once on the phone – so there’s nothing “tangible” yet...and I think that’s part of her dilemma...once we meet f2f it becomes absolutely real for the very first time...I’m not sure she’s prepared to deal with it...for that matter am I?!!

I met my son for the first time in July of this year, after four months of emails (which hadn't begun until five months after I was first contacted by a third party.) We had no phone contact at all until I got to the hotel in his city and called him. Finally hearing his voice was just amazing for both of us. But all of it was very scary for us until that first moment of direct, person-to-person contact, not mediated by anything electronic.

Seeing and touching each other (yes--the "tangible" part!) for the first time was over the top wonderful! The emotions are so powerful, and the first f2f begins another phase in that roller coaster, but there's no substitute for being in each other's actual physical presence.

I hope this meeting happens for you and soon. I know the waiting is just excruciating for both of you. Remember to keep breathing, and don't forget to take lots of pictures! Other than that, just bring your love...

:
Wish me luck!

Good luck!!!

Susanne

[MrsHoot]

Well it's official - the meeting tomorrow is NOT going to happen...grrrrr....I tried SO hard no to get my hopes up but the just got the email I had been expecting for a week - the graceful back out conveniently brought on by the bad weather plaguing the area...but I am so crushed right now!

[Jackiejdajda]

I am in Ontario Canada.. Near Kingston.. and am sitting here watching the storm and thinking of you.. and wondering if you had actually driven the roads to meet your birthdaughter.. Saw the news and saw how bad it was in some states..

I am glad you are safe..

And I am also sad that the reunion is not happening yet..

Reunion is a lesson in patience.. big big time..

Jackie

[MrsHoot]

Patience just isn't my strong suit...and the saddness is overwhelming me at the moment...I was SO close one week ago...now I fear that it will be many months before I ever get that chance again...

I really screwed this one up! I should have just bit my tounge and agreeded to have lunch in front of her $%#!% parents...at least I would have been able to see her in person...and I wouldn't be so angry at myself today!

[hunny0404]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Try not to beat yourself up over what has transpired. It's not possible to know whether it's the storm or your birthdaughter's ambivalence about her parents' participation in your meeting or that she's just not ready. I know with the email being your only mode of communication it can be so frustrating not to get a quick and direct answer to your wonderings and worries. Everything is "once-removed" and it feels too scary to push for a response, even when you need to hear it so badly.

I've found that crying helps to release a lot of the built-up stress and talking about it helps, too. I also discovered that sharing with my husband some of the stories I encountered in these forums helped him to know that the intensity and pattern of my emotions were normal for someone in my situation, and it comforted him to know his wife wasn't completely nuts. Even as he was so strong and supportive, I knew he was always worried and scared for me and this compounded my own stress. I don't know if that will help you, but it's been good for us.

Try to hang in there and be good to yourself in the process, if you can. I'll keep thinking good thoughts for you...

[MrsHoot]

As much as I love hubby he wants me to tell her everything is peachy on this end and to just call when she ready but for now we should "cool it"...I tried that last weekend and she immeadiately replied that shw bound and determined to meet sooner than later and that she IS ready for our first f2f.

So I don't know what to do, she's just emailed me - again saying how determined and ready she is to meet and is talking about next weekend...but I'm already committed to something else with her younger sister...I feel like I'm being forced to chose between the two kids - it's not that one is more important than the other but I've committed to be here a long time ago! (AURRG!)

[kakuehl]

MrsHoot,
It sounds like she truly wants to meet you. I would tell her honestly that you have a long standing commitment for that day and suggest a couple alternative dates. You need to have some integrity as you enter this phase of your relationship. Be as honest as you can.

[MrsHoot]

Hi Kathy - always nice to hear from you! And, gosh, I hope you're right!

I did email her , reminded her that I needed to be her Sunday (I had mentioned this to her already), let her know it was not a matter of putting a priority on one child over another but I promised to do something for other daughter & I need to keep my word.

I invited BD here but she declined - she has to 'gigs' booked for Fri & Sat and it's a 6 hour drive from her house to ours, so next weekend is completly out.

I told her again "perhaps another time" and I'm sure things will work out when and how they are supposed to.

But I will say our communication had been very strained since last Sunday. We used to write in paragraphs and now it's just a few sentences.