[azraelmylove]

I am a young wife and mother who grew up believing that my only sibling was my younger brother. I know for a fact that my my mom and dad are the true parents of my brother and I. I was shocked and disturbed to recently find out my mom has been hiding something from me... she had a daughter when she was either 15 or 16 years old and gave her up for adoption. I did not find this out from my mom, and the source I received it from expects me to keep my mouth shut. I feel hurt and angry that my mom has hid this from me. I have a sister! I can't believe it. I want to find her. I don't know any of the details, except for my mom's name and the first name of the father, who I actually did get to meet. Is there any way I can find her??? Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I know I am not supposed to say anything, but I feel that if I don't, I will be living a lie, just as my mom has been, and nothing hurts me more than the idea of that. What can I do?

[snuffie]

Oh, how exciting and shocking all at once to find out you have a sister!!

I'm guessing your mom is afraid to tell you about the fact that she had had a baby so young. It's sometimes very difficult for bmoms to tell their kids about the baby they gave away for many reasons. Sometimes it brings up all kinds of emotions and sometimes they fear what their other children will think of them. I know its hard not to be angry or hurt but maybe reading some of the books written by birth moms would help you to understand your mom's feelings.

What do you foresee happening if you gently asked your mom and let her know that you love her and would really like to know your sister? Is the person you heard this from a reliable source?

I hate to hear about "secrets" because I was a secret for so long.

Snuffie

[heidibay66]

I agree, you mom is probably afraid of telling you and feeling all those emotions again. Kind of like, out of sight out of mind.
I would like to give you an observation from what I read in your post. You seem to be mad at your mom for not telling you and hiding the secret, but wouldn't you being doing the same thing to her if you search and dug for answers behind hers? Maybe the best thing to do is kind of give your mom and opening. You could go out to lunch(public places are really hard to actually have a yelling match in) and point out a little girl or find some way to tell your mom that you love your brother but it would have been nice to have an older sister. Mention some reasons why and wait for her to respond. If she doesn't say anything back, you could tell her you heard a rumor and that you can't remember when or where, but you heard you may have an older sister and it just made you wonder what it would be like. Then you could let her know that if it is true, that would be really cool, then you and her could search together and find her. It would give you two something to do together. That way she knows that you are not judging her and that you would stand behind her if she decided to search and that you are in this together.
You just need to remember that getting pregnant at such a young age back then was so bad and people sent their daughters away while the men went on with their lives. This is what they were taught. It was bad.
You can tell your mom that you have talked to a couple of adult adoptees and they have wonderful feelings for their birth mothers. My opinion of mine, I love her even though I don't know her and haven't found her yet. I love both of my original parents. They came together to create me and they will always be a part of my heart. I know that at some point they loved me because they made sure that I would be taken care of. I have 7 kids now and a huge extended family and we are all waiting for the word that my original family is on there way during the holidays. I love all of them. They are my family.
You can let your mom know that I feel like that, maybe then it would help her to realize that maybe your older sister is waiting too.
Thank you for listening and we would all like to be kept up to date. I will be praying for you.
Heidi
Remember, G D is GD with an extra !

[horsetrainer]

I think I can relate to you. I was 19 when I found out I had a brother. We went to the same college and even had the same class together. We had the same friends but never knew we were related until a roomate said we could pass for brother and sister. I won't get into all the happenings but I think it would make for a great book. When my brother confirmed I was his sister he said the only person that would know about him was my Aunt. After I introduced my brother to my Aunt I waited a few weeks to talk with my mother. Everyone told me not to let her know because it was such a hard time in her life. I wanted to talk with my mother so and let her know that I was not mad or disappointed in her but understood this was the decision she needed to make during a tough time in her life. I finally got the courage to talk with her and re-assured her I was not mad nor would I hold it against her. My mother said to me that she felt I would hate her forever. That is how much my mother didn't know me. After talking with my mother I felt like a huge burden was llifted off of me and I think our relationship changed for the better. It was also during this time I learned that I have a younger brother. I still have not located him and really would like to know him if he wants to know me.

So, go with your heart life is too short to be mad or upset. There are reasons why your mother decided to not to tell you and if you handle the conversation correctly you may learn a lot about your mom during a dark time in her life.

Good luck to you.

[kune]

azraelmylove
My thoughts.........as a birthmother who kept my bson a secret from his two siblings for 30 years......The secret is not something your Mom is willingly hiding from you. Chances are she was so ashamed of placing a child and her parents were ashamed of their way-ward daughter so naturally she doesn't want you to be ashamed of her too.

Secrets can break families so I'd suggest you be really up-front and honest with her. Tell her don't want to hurt your Mom by what you are about to say, but you heard from someone else that she placed a daughter for adoption and you are hoping it is true . Put your arms around her, tell her you love her and nothing will change that ever....and ask her to tell you the story. Don't judge, don't push for more than she's able to give, but hold her so she can feel your love - knows you support and love her ........and so she can finally bring her secret out into the open.

If her parents are still alive and she didn't tell them of her pregnancy, she may be protecting them too. That's worth considering. My mother is in her 80's and never knew I had a son, but when he found me I told her and was amazed at how well she took the news. This is a different society from the time your sister was born and lots of people have children outside a marriage.

This is your sister.....I didn't ever think I was depriving my children of a sibling....it never entered my head. But when I told them I realised that was exactly what I had done. It took lots of talking and loving and hurting before we got past that point and they re-found some trust to our relationship. Worst of all, it took that time for them to fully accept their half brother into the family mix.

Reunions are amazing experiences - especially for your mother. If she can acknowledge her place in your sister's life and they can accept each other, anything is possible. I know, for me, it was such a healing thing and one I wouldn't have missed for the world.

Good luck with your Mom and good luck with finding your sister. That's a whole lot to look forward to.

ps. You can never be loved by too many people and families are amazing with their ability to "bunch up" and make room for another in the family. Think of daughter-in-laws and grandkids and son-in-laws, parents of the in-laws and new spouses of cousins or uncles. Not all have blood ties but each, in their own way, make up the whole.

Ann

[Longtimewaiting]

As a bmother, I am somewhat in the same boat. I have not told my 2 children now aged 20 and 22, and have no plans on telling them until I find my first born. Reason? If I cant find her, they will be as devastated as I am. If I find her and she does not want a reunion, then yes I will be crushed, but my children will be spared the pain and the rejection. If I do find her and she agrees to a reunion, then I will tell definately tell them. Im trying to protect my children. Next spring I plan on sending CHS my money, and I will know at that time whether or not she wants contact.

Its possible that your mother is doing a search without your knowledge, can you see the similarities??

[kune]

Longtimewaiting
I understand your rational....but from experience I would urge you to tell them now (or as soon as possible). For all the reasons I posted above - but especially so you can work through their thoughts and feelings without the added emotional surge that reunion brings. It's really difficult in the early days of reunion to balance your mental energy. You are caught up in a whilpool and even though you don't mean to, those relationships formed and secure are not your main priority.

Ann

[horsetrainer]

I agree with Kune. Please don't wait to let your children know that you are searching. You may not know how they will feel in the beginning, whether happy, angry, etc.. but at least you can start moving forward with your own life. You won't know if your daughter will want to be found but at least you will never look back and say you wish you tried to locate her.

I am re-starting the search for my younger brother and I don't know what to expect. There is a chance he will not want to meet me but at least if I can make contact with him through a third party then the ball will be in his court. I would be fine if he didn't want to know who I am but at least I would know who my brother is.

Good luck to you.

[puppydogs]

As a adoptee who has recently searched and reunited with my bfamily. I discovered I had a fb bother, a hb brother and 2 hb sisters. I never knew of any of them and they have known about me. My fb brother has always known of me for 40+ years. I am so very happy that I have found them and they are too. We are continuing to develop our relationships. But I and they do not regret having found each other. I sometimes have huge regrets that I did not search sooner. My brother and I particularly feel we lost out not being in each others lifes, because we are close in age and there is a larger age gap between his hb. But I know you can't put back the clock only make the most of what we now have. I would urge you to give it a go. As an adoptee I regret not having them in my life sooner and that they didn't try and look for me (Although 1 sister did attempt a few years ago). But with closed adoption I realise they would have found it harder.

I was lucky I found someone who really helped and found my bfamily. I will be forever grateful for making this happen. I did not know what I would find and maybe even have faced rejection, but I didn't only received warmth and love. The reunion has many ups and downs, but I think this is so normal. But it is such a blessing and a very precious time for us all.

I agree that you should definetely approach your mum and for all the reasons stated. It is very possible like my siblings that your sister will feel like you and like I do.

[horsetrainer]

Puppydogs,

I was curious as to the avenues your siblings took to locate you since the adoption was closed. As I stated in one of my earlier posts I am searching for my younger brother and the adoption took place in the hospital parking lot. I heard there was a court proceeding a year later but my mother didn't attend. Any words of advice would be helpful.

[puppydogs]

hi, It was I who traced my birthmother. I accessed my adoption file and took it from there. I don't know where you live, bit I live in the UK. It is very hard here the other way around. However, I know that there are many message boards looking for people - not just relating to adoption.. It is definetely worth posting on. This way someone contacted us who was experienced searching and helped me to find my birth family. In my case it took about 6 months but only 2 days once I had an address of my file. My brother also looked and it took only 1 month. There is also a contact register here in the UK you can register and any member of the birthfamily can too. Do you just have the birth name or the name of your sibling after adoption?

Regards

[Moongrl22]

Originally Posted by azraelmylove

I am a young wife and mother who grew up believing that my only sibling was my younger brother. I know for a fact that my my mom and dad are the true parents of my brother and I. I was shocked and disturbed to recently find out my mom has been hiding something from me... she had a daughter when she was either 15 or 16 years old and gave her up for adoption. I did not find this out from my mom, and the source I received it from expects me to keep my mouth shut. I feel hurt and angry that my mom has hid this from me. I have a sister! I can't believe it. I want to find her. I don't know any of the details, except for my mom's name and the first name of the father, who I actually did get to meet. Is there any way I can find her??? Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I know I am not supposed to say anything, but I feel that if I don't, I will be living a lie, just as my mom has been, and nothing hurts me more than the idea of that. What can I do?

Don't be so hard on your mom. She made a decision long ago that was in the best interest of that little baby she gave birth too. Giving up a child isn't the isn't thing to deal with emotionally but as a Bmom I can say maybe your mother just wanted to protect you from being hurt. Not all reunions go well or even happen. You might have a sister but she might never want contact with you or your mom. That is the harsh reality of Adoption. SOME adoptive children don't want to know their biological family. Your mother secret wasn't to hurt you it was to protect her family. Good luck and think hard before you talk to your mother.

[MrsHoot]

Just my 2 cents here – as I have found through personal experience...not all people are so accepting of adoption...in my case several years after I placed my first born daughter, I married a man - had another daughter and began to speak freely about "her big sister"...then all *$@! broke loose...the new hubby was not cool with this kind of talk so I stopped...I did finally get rid of him but never resumed talking about BD.

13 years later I have to tell her the truth, she does have an older sister...but I have no idea how she is going to react to it...my biggest fear was that she would be ANGRY with me because I kept this from her...luckily in my case she was sweet and understanding and excited to have an older sister!

You never know, your Mom might be relieved that you approach her as she may be struggling to find a way or the right time to tell you.

[kakuehl]

So many of us were told to forget about the child we "gave away." I always was a bit of a rebel in those ways... I don't like secrets! My DH has always known about D (he's not the bdad) and I told my children years ago. I actually started looking in a more determined way because son J uses a particular name as his screename. (He adapted it from a DJ/actor who people said he looked like.) From a comment he made about his resemblance to this person, I got the "bug" to seek more seriously, even though I had always felt I had no right to seek him. I tried to leave info for D to let him no I was willing to "be found" but he didn't get the info. I actually found D through this site. The relationships between the siblings have actually developed quickly and easily, partly, I think, because D was not a secret and thus a shock to them. They didn't have to wonder what else I was keeping from them...

Always remember, our parents are usually stronger than we give them credit for!

[hunny0404]

I hated living with the secret and always wanted to tell the three children I raised about their brother, but I felt that they would not be able to deal with it when they were young. My husband (who always knew about J) and I were afraid that they might think I might give them away, too, or might be upset that they had a brother they couldn't see or know anything about. If it hadn't been for our believing that we were protecting our children, there would never have been a secret.

As the kids got older, my husband and I discussed it often and at one point decided that when our youngest turned 18, we would tell them all, whether or not J had found me (I didn't believe I had any right to look for him). We felt that, especially if he hadn't come searching for me, they might want to find him and we wanted to make sure they were all of legal age to proceed. We also felt strongly that all three should be told at the same time, because we would never ask one of them to keep the secret from the others like we had all those years.

In July 2006 we decided that we would tell the kids the following summer; our youngest had started college and there were lots of stressors at that time in her life so we wanted to let her get through her first year. But it seems like Someone had other plans: I received a call from a third party in November 2006 and the process of reunion began. We told our kids about J that month, but my first direct contact with him didn't happen until April 2007. He needed time. I think we all did....

When we told our children, our son was ecstatic to have a brother, our youngest daughter was just in shock and tried to figure out what it all meant for our family unit, and our oldest daughter was so angry and hurt, that even a year later, and after having met J along with her other siblings last month, she is still struggling. She says she can't trust me because I kept this secret from her all her life and she wonders what else I may be keeping from her. She doesn't blame her Dad for any of it, even though it was our joint decision to wait to tell them about J. She has always been a very sensitive person, having a difficult time with any kind of change. And her relationship with me has always been the primary relationship in her life; we've always been incredibly close and this is another reason why she is so hurt by learning that I kept something so important from her.

The other two kids are now in active, positive relationships with J. In some ways, this makes our oldest daughter feel so much worse, because she feels like she should be able to make the adjustment, but just can't yet. Of course, this makes her relationship with J almost impossible, which hurts both of them, and the two youngest sometimes feel upset because of this disharmony in our family, which is so new to them.

I miss my daughter more than I can say, and I wish we had been able to have seen another way to approach this situation, a way that wouldn't have hurt her so much. I don't know when our relationship will begin to resume any kind of noramlcy again, but I do know that it is altered forever.

I think the bottom line is that I agree that secrets are not good for families. We kept the secret anyway because we believed it would be less damaging for our children if they didn't learn of their brother until they were mature enough to cope with the information. Over the years, I often wished it could be otherwise, and since I've been in a wonderful reunion with J, I grieve the loss of the years of relationship my children missed with him, and he with them. I hate to see my daughter hurting so, and to know that I'm the one who caused her pain, even if I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't know any more if it was right to keep the secret--it would seem not, given what this has done to her--but we can't go back and choose differently now. We can only go forward and hope that our daughter will someday forgive me and maybe even find her way back to me. But most of all, I just want her to find comfort and peace, to know that I love her and that there are no more secrets...

Susanne