[thediva320]

I think your letter is excellent. I hope you hear back from her soon. Congrats on your possible find and good luck!!! Keep us posted!!!

[line9]

Sorry guys, I'm still reeling from this and trying to make sense of it all.

The quick response did shock me. Especially with the details.

Yes, she is saying her then-separated husband is the father. According to her he is deceased but a basic search for him can put him near where they met/lived and near where I was born, which was 5 1/2 hours away and...

She is offering the name of person she thinks is the real birthmom. The BF apparantly had an affair which led to the divorce. She claims to have met her at some point. I'm unclear when this transpired and will ask in my reply. A basic search can put a woman by that name from the city I was born in.

It's my understanding that birthmom's wishing to conceal their ID at this time was quite common. I was told by one searcher that the birthmom could say basically whatever she wanted. This woman claims her then-separated hub "knew just enough about her family to put down some of the truth." I still believe some ID would've had to have been provided.

She says twice in her letter; "Your search is over." But she also offers to answer any further questions I have. She's even offered to send a photo she has of her and the BF. Hmmm.

It does come across prepared and a little too detailed but alot of it makes sense.

I'm preparing my reply but a question for you all;

Was abortion legal/accessible in California in the early 60's?

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi Line9,

Abortion was illegal in all 50 states until Roe vs. Wade, which happened the year after I was born - in 1972. I've heard that it was somewhat possible (although completely dangerous, illegal, and unlikely) to get a "back-alley" abortion before that.

I don't think you should even bother yourself with the idea of whether an abortion would have been available for your birthmom. Fact is, she didn't have one, she gave birth to you.

It is kinda strange that she would say, "Your search is over", if she's not your birthmom.

In any case, have her send you the picture of herself and your birthfather!!! That might answer some questions for you right there. If you don't look like either of them, that lets you know she could be telling you the truth. If you look like your birthfather, well, that's just exciting! But it doesn't tell you who your birthmother is. Or, you could look just like this woman who says she's not your birthmother - and that would be a clear answer, no? I found a picture of my birthmother online (even though she never answered my letter) and I look just like her!! She can't deny me, for sure.

Good luck!

[Gwen Berndt]

Can I also just point out that you have already solved half of your equation by finding your birthfather? Congratulations on that! I'm so sorry he's deceased, but at least you'll be able to get a picture and some information. Hang in there...

[gettnhitched]

Have you been able to find out any additional info about who she says your birthfather is and the possible birthmother on a site like ancestry? Do you know for sure that he is deceased?

[line9]

I have no reason not to believe the BF is deceased (a little more research can confirm/deny that) and I've always cared far more about the birthmom than him. But it is a huge bit of info and really all I have to go on at this point.

I couldn't remember the year of Roe v Wade but it does go to why the birthmom would carry me full term when she had no intent of keeping me.

I'm not sure who to believe but it is painful to see to what extents someone would go to to 'hide' me.

[jrainbow]

Roe vs Wade definitely changed things but all of us who are adopted basically at birth - even today - were all carried by women who had no intention of keeping us but did not want an abortion. Even in the 50's and 60's abortions were available, illegally of course, but available. I didn't know that until finding my bmother who said she did choose to have me.

You are right that bmothers could basically say anything they wanted for the non-identifying information. But they did have to sign legal papers to surrender us and those had to be signed with their legal names.

As far as the lengths girls and their families went to to hide us, it was a definitely different time in those days. You might want to read "The girls that went away" - it talks about being pregnant in the days before Roe vs Wade. I had always appreciated what my bmom went thru but I was truly grateful after reading the horror stories in this book. I was shocked - it was almost like reading a book about the middle ages - the thinking was so different then.

Good luck as you move to the next step.

[L@@king2]

Oh shoot, Line... sorry to hear that! But maybe she IS telling the truth, maybe her then-husband IS your bfather? She should, at least tell you about him!

and as Trina says:
Feel free to vent your feelings and frustations here. This is a great place to do that.

This IS a great place for that... I'm also in a "waiting period"... not fun at all! LOL! very frustrating and this IS the place to vent them! there... I feel better already!!

Gwen, you said:
It does seem a little strange that someone could get away with using someone else's name when relinguishing a baby for adoption - after all, that actually has to go to court in front of a judge. That's a tiny bit suspicious...

I did not go before a judge in my case, nor do I recall showing my ID when I went into the L.A. Dept of Children's Services to relinquish my child and sign the adoption papers. At least I don't recall SHOWING my ID to the lady. There was definitely NO judge involved!

Line, you asked:
I'm preparing my reply but a question for you all;
Was abortion legal/accessible in California in the early 60's?

Yes, as Gwen said, Roe vs Wade was in 1972, I had my child in 1969 - and yes, it was illegal to get an abortion in California. You had to go to Mexico to get a "legal" one... and as Gwen said - "back-alley" ones... scary thought there!!

But I agree with Gwen I believe it was (again!) - you'll have a picture of your BF - and that's a start!! And maybe this lady IS telling you the truth - and see 'what' she gives you about this 'other' lady!

and as jrainbow said:
You are right that bmothers could basically say anything they wanted for the non-identifying information. But they did have to sign legal papers to surrender us and those had to be signed with their legal names.

As far as the lengths girls and their families went to to hide us, it was a definitely different time in those days. You might want to read "The girls that went away" - it talks about being pregnant in the days before Roe vs Wade. I had always appreciated what my bmom went thru but I was truly grateful after reading the horror stories in this book. I was shocked - it was almost like reading a book about the middle ages - the thinking was so different then.

Good luck as you move to the next step.

Yes, we could say anything we wanted on the non-ID info... and yes, we did sign legal papers. And you right about that book - "The girls that went away" - I experienced it - and it IS shocking how "thinking" was in the society in those days... and only 38 years ago...

And yes, Good Luck - in your next move, Line! I'm cheering you on!

[L@@king2]

I meant to add, Line - this is YOUR thread - so feel free to vent your frustrations... questions... anything!!

Also - not to take this off subject - but I could use some of your advice (those of you reading this thread) - to look at my Journal letter, which I believe is #4 on there - a letter to my bdaughter - who has asked for no contact yet... but it's been almost 9 months now... and I feel I need to send this letter to her... a lot of people have read it... last count 783, but only 13 replies! So, anything you could 'suggest' would be appreciated!! and now... back to Line's thread...

[line9]

UPDATE:

Well all, it looks like I'm pretty much back at square one.

The few leads rec'd from this woman went pretty much nowhere. It just seems to get more and more confusing.

I'm going to request from the state the (supposed) BF's death certificate and the marriage certificate of the woman whom he married soon after I was born.

I'm also going to try and petition the county I was born in for the file but I'm not hopeful.

The only things I've really learned is the possible ID of the BF eventhough he's deceased and the extraordinary lengths all involved went to to hide my birth.

[Gwen Berndt]

I'm sorry, line9. Isn't it amazing how much society has changed in the last 35 (or more) years? Today, people don't think it's a big deal for an unwed woman to bear a child. Apparently, back when we were born, it was the worst possible thing a girl could do - as if pregnancy weren't literally the most natural thing in the world.

I have a hard time imagining what it was like back then. But these people and their secrecy - unfortunately, there are lots of us suffering due to the secrecy of our births. *sigh* It's amazing that they still want to hold onto their secrets 30 or 40 or 50 years later, when no one cares anymore that they were unwed parents - except us, the adoptees. We're the only ones they're hurting.

I would suggest reading "The Girls Who Went Away" to get some insight into the times. It really helped me to understand what my birthmother had to go through. You can probably just pick it up at the library, and it's easy to get on Amazon, too.

By the way, did you get this woman to send you a photo, as she promised? That could be helpful.

[line9]

Originally Posted by Gwen Berndt

I'm sorry, line9. Isn't it amazing how much society has changed in the last 35 (or more) years? Today, people don't think it's a big deal for an unwed woman to bear a child. Apparently, back when we were born, it was the worst possible thing a girl could do - as if pregnancy weren't literally the most natural thing in the world.

I have a hard time imagining what it was like back then. But these people and their secrecy - unfortunately, there are lots of us suffering due to the secrecy of our births. *sigh* It's amazing that they still want to hold onto their secrets 30 or 40 or 50 years later, when no one cares anymore that they were unwed parents - except us, the adoptees. We're the only ones they're hurting.

I would suggest reading "The Girls Who Went Away" to get some insight into the times. It really helped me to understand what my birthmother had to go through. You can probably just pick it up at the library, and it's easy to get on Amazon, too.

By the way, did you get this woman to send you a photo, as she promised? That could be helpful.

Well said.

AFA; "insights into the times;" I know the times were different and I made it very clear in my letter to this woman that I held no grudges and was making every effort to emphathize.

But the more I dig and the less I find, the harder this is to do.

I haven't replied to her yet. She says "my search is over" but remains willing to answer any further questions.

I just want to make sure they're the right questions. And right now, I honestly don't know what to think and what to ask.

[Gwen Berndt]

It's one thing to know that times were different back then, and it's another thing entirely to read these women's accounts of what they went through. That's what "The Girls Who Went Away" is - a series of interviews with birthmothers, and even though I thought I knew that times were different "back then", I was shocked and incredibly sad reading the details. Please, please read it, it will help you understand and empathize. A birthmother friend of mine read it (I loaned it to her) and she said that it was very hard for her to read because it was so true.

Anyhow, as far as questions to ask... hmmm... How far away does this woman live? Is there any possibility of meeting in person? How about a phone call? It's very hard to gauge a person's truthfulness in a letter, much easier in person if possible.

[line9]

She's within a half days drive but ....

My concern at this point is;

1. I don't totally believe her.
2. I think this is a critical point and don't want to say the wrong thing.
3. She is my only link. She's open now and I need to keep it that way.

I tend to communicate better in writing but this one's a challenge. I don't want to overload her or ask the wrong questions...

[cls2445]

Hello Line,
I have been following your post and feeling your pain. I just want you to know that I am from that same era...I had a baby in 1963. It is hard to give up that secret and relive those memories that have been so very deeply repressed. As a child of 16 I did what I was told (except once, obiously). I was sent away......
After giving birth, I was expected to pick up my life as if that never happened. It was NEVER talked about again at home with my parents.....the first and only time it was mentioned afterwards was when I told my "tobe husband." Even then I had second thoughts about telling him. It was only this year, after she contacted me that I was able to talk about my past with anyone, including my other children. After that inital contact from her I felt I was having a nervous breakdown, I waited several days to respond, and then it was without any emotional attachment. I was so very afraid of becoming emotionally attached and loosing her again. I just wanted you to possibly see the other side of this.... just a footnote....dd and I are now speaking on the phone, weekly, emailing, and visiting each other. Yes, one of my children is having trouble dealing with this, my DH has been very supportive, and I am finally complete! But all of this did not happen over night, so please be patient.
The bparents from that era have so very much baggage. We were told so many lies and we also lived them. It is/was like being brain-washed.
I wish you the best