[ALS2007]

I am a 27 year old guy, I reunited with my birth family last July, and never told my adoptive parents about it.

Today I got an email from my adoptive mom saying that she is pretty sure I met and have been in contact with my birth family for awhile, and that I've been keeping it a secret. I don't know how they realized this, but I'm pretty sure they DO know what I did and I'm totally unprepared to explain myself...

Any advice on how to stall or explain? I don't want to tell them but I also don't want to actively LIE about it, especially since this has all been such an awesome experience for me. I am 90% positive my adoptive parents will be upst and heart-broken if I admit to meeting my birth family, so what do I do?!

[motomo]

Oh I am sorry if this sounds harse but you are 27yrs old, you have every right to find out where you came from. Adoptive parents need to stop making it about them & their feelings, they have nothing to fear if they are honest and understand that you have feelings and a need to know about yourself. I really hate it when adoptive parents make it about them, adoptivees feel guilty about searching for answers. You have no reason to feel guilty! I find it amazing that adoptive parents & birthfamilies at times feel they don't have to give any explanations but when the adoptee searches you are pretty much expected to explain your actions. Just telling them you didn't want them to feel hurt by your need to do this , but , it was something you had to do.
I wish you luck!

[Amyie]

I have to agree. This is not something to lie about. Lieing only implies that you did something wrong and are ashamed of what you did. In my opinion, you should tell them that you are sorry that they found out the way they did (however that was?!) and that you didn't tell them because... insert truth here. Try to remember that you have no need to defend the act of searching for your birthfamily. I understand that they may be angry, and that anger comes from fear. If you arm yourself with the knowledge that your a-parents would be angry with you only because they fear that they may lose you, then you may be able to reassure them. If they start to get the 'angry tone' of voice, you do what you can to 'reassure them', not 'defend your actions'.

Good luck!! And congratulations on your reunion

[Sniffles]

This is just a reminder fo everyone to please remember to post about your experiences and not generalize. Thank you!

[angel_island1622]

Your post makes me quite curious how your adoptive mother possibly found out.

Regardless, I am similar to your age and recently searched for my birth mother. I did not tell my adoptive parents initially, as adoption was never discussed openly in my home, and I felt that this was mine to have and experience, I did not want to be responsible for their feelings (if that makes sense). I cannot say that it was the easiest thing to do, but I think they have come to accept that it was a need I had. I have to admit that I did little reassuring and no apologizing, because again, I felt that this was something that I was entitled to do. In the end, I am so glad that I told them, because now I am not harboring a secret, for me there was something freeing in that. And, I wouldn't want my birthmother to think that I am keeping my contact with her a secret from my adoptive parents either.

If you need time before you respond, take time. You put together some great words on your post and you might tell them that you were afraid that if they found out they would feel "heart broken," etc.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk! Best of luck!

[NJNative]

As an adoptive mom. I realize you are grown and have a right to live your own life. But lying to your mom and dad is not a good idea. It will no doubt cause them more anxiety than if you were straightforward and honest with them.

Remember one thing, you might be 27, but you will always be your parents' baby. My own son (adopted at 10 months) is now 16, but I still feel the "Mama Bear" feeling of always wanting to protect him and be there for him. Heck, I am 51 and MY mom tells me to wear my coat...LOL.

As for being heartbroken if you tell them -- well, they already know anyway. If I were you, I would sit down and write a loving letter explaining what has occurred this point and reassuring them of your love and affection. (Some flowers for your mom couldn't hurt either )

Good luck with this and I will think good thoughts for you and your parents.

Robin

[zxczxcasdasd]

As an adoptive parent, I needed a little time to "process" the idea of my kid reuniting with bmom. It's a huge thing and will affect them greatly, just as you felt affected in ways by your adoption and reunion. I would hope that I would be entitled to have feelings and do a little emotional processing without it being labeled as guilt or manipulation. That being said, I can be a little afraid and feel sad about some things and still be very supportive of my kid living out his life and his wishes and embracing whomever he wants to embrace.

But if I found out he lied to me about it and did this all behind my back, I would be devastated.

What is so frightening about them being upset in the first place? Huge things like that tend to be a little "upsetting" even if they are mostly positive. Let them have that permission to be upset if they need to be without thinking that their feelings rob of your freedom and without adding the grief of now feeling betrayed and made fools of by the lying and the hiding.

Everyone has the right to their own decisions and their own relationships and reunion can be a beautiful thing. But I wish you had just allowed your parents the assurance of your honesty and openness, and not been so afraid of hurting them that you ended up really wounding them.

I hope you can have a heart to heart to them. I hope you can be truthful about why you were afraid to be honest in the first place, and find a way to love each other through this and each be able to trust the love of the other. I hope that they will ultimately be supportive of you and your bfamily. They may need to find a support system to help them navigate this whole thing. Feel free to PM me if I can be of help to you or them.

[JPDakota]

The truth will out. It's a law of nature. My advice is to embrace it.

[2littleguys]

Hi,
Let me start by saying I can imagine how you feel. I'm 30, adopted, and recently came in contact with my birthmother. I was soooo dreading telling my parents. We never really talked about personal things / feelings growing up, but I love them and talk to them every day. I didn't want to negatively alter our relationship. I knew it would hurt them, make them angry, and cause me to feel guilty. My mom is the controlling type and I am the type that has always just wanted to please everyone, but especially her. That may sound pathetic, but that has always been our family dynamic, it runs very deep and it is very hard to change, no matter what age you are.
I seriously considered not telling aparents. I was so excited to contact birthmother, and I wanted just to enjoy everything without worrying about my parents. But I weighed the pros and cons, and for a few different reasons I did tell parents. Mostly, I just felt dishonest and disrespectful keeping it from them. (Maybe you're totally different and I just feel like that because of the not-so-healthy dynamic between my amom and me).

Also, I know my mom, and even though we don't even live close, she's nosy and will always end up finding everything out about me. (The reason I don't even post alot on the internet). I didn't want her to find out from somewhere else other than my mouth. I'd be curious as to how your mom found out.

Another reason I told her - I always hoped I wasn't my birthmother's secret. I thought of keeping her a secret at first, but I didn't think it'd be respectful to her in the long run.

But no matter if you can relate to my feelings about it or not, I think you can't go wrong with being honest with your parents. It'll be a difficult conversation, but I think you'll feel better in the long run. Tell them how much you love them, how much you value your relationship with them, and that you did this to protect them. And tell them repeatedly. You can't control the way they feel, but you can do the best job you can in reassuring them.
And remember, you didn't ask to be adopted. You didn't ask to be put in this position. Be gentle on yourself, and do the best you can with everything.
Warm wishes, and keep us posted.

[lfaithr]

Wow, this topic hits a spot for me. "Trying to be open and honest" with your a-parents is a lot easier said than done. Here's my side of a similar story:

Last year at age 32, about 12 years after I wanted to search, I finally moved forward with a search and told my a-parents I was doing so for medical reasons and to satisfy some curiosity about my heritage. Dad said, "anything we can do to help..." However Mom screamed at me and cried and said terrible things about my biological mother, calling her a slu+ and irresponsible "white trash." She also screamed that I "will not contact her ever, or else (my a-Mom would) drop dead."

So because she made it painfully obvious that she has no respect for my feelings, I decided to never share an ounce more of my desires.

My whole life my Mom refused to accept the fact that I'm adopted in little ways - by refusing to respond when I asked her how old my parents were when they gave me up, or asking what nationality they were. She'd literally seal up and not speak. Everything is about her and her feelings of insecurity. On every birthday, she constantly blamed my Dad for having to adopt, saying his sperm was dead. Would even humiliate him by telling my friends that if they asked anything about adoption. And by doing this she'd futher illegitimize me as if adopting me was a horrible last resort.

Now, in recent years, she raves on and on about my older non-adopted sister being a perfect model of a daughter. If I don't want to do something that sis did, Mom will say, "But your sister did it." or "But your sister likes that." Further rejecting me by the one person who wasn't supposed to reject me at all.

To say the least, our relationship is strained. She doesn't care about my feelings and therefore she does not have the right to know what I'm doing regarding my search. I am 32 years old and lucky to have a supportive husband. My Mom is missing out big time, but it's her fault.

I"ve tried to talk to her a million times but she cries about me wanting to go find another mother, then calls my sister to cry about it, then my sister calls to tell me I need therapy.

I wish the two women in my life (a-Mom, a-Sister) were as cool as my Dad.

I've accepted the situation for what it is, it's their own self-made problems, not mine, and I have sent letters to both my biological parents without my a-family's knowledge. It could have brought us closer, but they're missing out and brought it all on themselves.

And by the way, my bio-parents are not white trash. Not that it makes a difference, but that would be nice to tell my Mom wouldn't it?

[LBaratta]

I understand how you feel, I am 44 years old and I still can't discuss the issue with my parents. My parents recently moved to an active adult community and my mom is still very sensitive about sharing information with people. She would not even put an announcement of their 50th Anniversary in the community newsletter. My cousin, who is 10 years older than me, shared some information that she remembered from the time I was adopted, including my birth name, which my mom has never shared with me. I think that the secrecy behind closed adoption is held together by shame. Adoptive moms were made to feel inadequate because of their infertility and birth moms were shamed into giving up their babies. All you can do is reassure your mom that she'll aways be your mother and that your birth mom can never replace her in your heart. Good luck with your reunion!

[neilsmum]

Hi i agree that this isnt about them butr you and your birth family. dont lie but you dont have to feel guilty either. you have ev ery right to find them and your a grown man of 27. Its about you and not them. alll the best

[TxMom65]

As an adoptive parent (or just parent in general) it hurts my heart to hear some of these stories. I hope when the time comes that my daughter wants to search I can be supportive.
I'm not adopted but my parents can be somewhat overbearing at times (putting it mildly). I can only imagine how you feel during these times and can understand doing it in privacy.

[c.a]

I have to disagree that adoptive parents being upset is about their fear or insecurities. It might be - and there are also other reasonable explanations for adoptive parents being upset.

I am an adoptive mom and I work to maintain an open adoption for my son hopefully so that he will not need to have a reunion. However, I also realize that the open adoption is just with his bmom and not bdad - so seeking a reunion is certainly a possibility.

When I think about a possible reunion, my fear is not for me, but for my son. What if his bdad rejects him? What if his bdad disappoints him? What if his bdad hurts him?

I hope my son would be open and honest with me so that I can share his joys and sorrows, fears and successes - whather in reunion or in any other aspect of his life.

To the original poster: your mom is reaching out to you. Reach back. Talk to her. That doesn't make the reunion about her, it includes her in your life.

Good luck.

[bprice215]

Sorry you got caught, you do know this is all about you and what you need and want. It has nothing to do with your a parents. You can tell them that in your own way and in your own time. Best of luck to you.

bprice215