[stunderdahl]

I am an adoptee, writer, and psychologist researching the challenges faced by siblings after an adoptee is 'found'. In my own experience, personal and professional, the complex range of feelings that emerge between siblings is incredible and yet rather ignored in the literature. My young adult novel based on my own experience, "The Other Sister" (Flux, 2007) will be coming out in March, and I'm scheduled to give a workshop on issues related to this unique aspect of the reunion experience. I'd really appreciate anyone sharing their own experiences, related feelings, ideas of what was helpful or harmful, where things have gone over time, etc. Thanks so much! S.T. Underdahl

[mrosey]

Hi there and welcome. I guess I'm the "older other sister" too. I'm 42 and have been reunited with my "other sister" for a year now. She's 27. It's a mind blowing path to run down. I love it but it's scary too. I have an adopted sister, 2 years younger than I. We have always been very close, but finding my half sister has been an eye opener to say the least. I can't wait to read your book and find out more about your experience. Will you be in NJ to sign?

Michele

[stunderdahl]

Hey Michele,
Glad to hear from you. What a coincidence though: I'm 42 also! I was reunited with my birthparents (they'd married and had three more children) seventeen years ago when I was 25, and I agree...it's an eye opener! In the years since, I've had the opportunity to examine the experience (and ongoing relationships) from a more adult perspective, and it's helped some of the things become less painful than they were in the past. Probably the toughest thing of all, though, has been my relationship with my bsister (ten years younger). She really seems to hate me, or fear me, it's not clear which, but the bottom line at this point is that we've been estranged for the last five years or so. She pins it all on me, saying that I'm 'unable to be close to anyone,' but since I'm very close with several people in my life (one of whom is our mutual mother, which might be part of the problem), I feel like it's just an excuse for her to avoid having me in her life. It really is sad, but she's said so many angry, hurtful things to me that sometimes I don't know if I want her in my life anyway. I wrote "The Other Sister" based on our early experiences of meeting and as an effort to try and understand things from her perspective. I don't know if it will help or hurt our relationship, but on the other hand maybe it will get a dialogue going.

I hope that you pick up a copy of "The Other Sister" and let me know what you think of it; if you send me your copy I'd be glad to sign it! I will be in Boston signing at a couple bookstores in early March, but so far I don't have any travel plans to New Jersey! I'd love to come out there, though, so I'll keep you posted! (I live in ND, and it can't be any colder in Jersey, can it?)
P.S. Notice how many times I got "The Other Sister" in there? My publicist would be so happy with me!

[stunderdahl]

Michele,
I'd love to hear more about your 'eye-opening' experiences, if you'd care to share them. I also have two asisters, and am very close with them, so it's been particularly difficult to have my own bsister be so unyielding and unaccepting of me. I find myself wanting to protest, "But I'm a good person! Ask anyone!" and get testimonials on my behalf...

[Jordan's bmom]

My bson found me 1 yr ago, when he was 18. I had another son to the same man whom I raised, at that time he was 16. We didn't tell raised son about adopted son. Since their father and I had split when raised son was 2, my present husband and I told him about his brother when bson made contact.
My raised son or rson was pretty emotional. He was angry that we never told him about his brother, he was angry that we gave him up for adoption since he is an only child and always wanted a brother. He was scared that he would lose time with his father now that there was "competition". We talked to him at length about all aspects and his father assured him he would still be there for him as much as he ever was. It took him a while, but he decided that he wanted to meet his brother when I did. They hit it off right away. They have so many similar interests. They liked all the same things when they were kids. They laugh alike and walk alike. They have become friends. They talk on the phone and visit at eachothers home. And spend weekends together. (Bson has graduated HS and has his own apartment.) There hasn't been any jealousy or competition that I know of. I've been very open with rson and have told him that if he ever feels threatened or jealous he can tell me. I know he's a teenager and probably won't, but given the amount of time the boys spend together, I don't think there are any problems.

[stunderdahl]

Mona,
That's so wonderful; I'm really glad that things have worked out so well for you all after that initial period of shock/confusion/fear. I wonder what kind of effect their ages had on things (ie, because they were so close in age...do you think it would have been different if they were farther apart in age?) It's funny that your rson had always wanted a sibling and actually got one! And now they can live the rest of their lives as brothers; so wonderful!

How about the bson? Did he seem to have any feelings about being surrendered when his brother was not? Did your rson have any feelings of guilt at being 'kept'?

[Jordan's bmom]

Wow, lots to write about. I do think their age is a factor. Because they are only 17 months apart they have so many similar interests. I'm sure if I would have waited 5 or 10 yrs to have another child things would have played out differently. My bson never asked why I kept rson. When I offered that info he said I didn't have to explain my life to him. I told him I wanted to and he agreed to listen. I explained I was young and in love and stupid. I wasn't careful about birth control and just didn't think it would happen to me again! When it did, there was no way I could go through the pain, anguish and heartache, of another adoption. Bson was very understanding, and said it changed nothing about the way he thinks of me. My rson did ask "Geez mom why'd you keep me". I told him the same thing. He said, in all the wisdom of a 16 yr old, " Cool, cause I don't think I'd like being raised by strangers, I'd miss you too much." We talked about it a little further, but all in all, they both understand what led me to the decisions I made, good or bad. I know that I am blessed to have had such an incredibly happy reunion. It's incredible enough that bson is part of my life at all! Thanks for your interest, I hope I helped.

[stunderdahl]

Mona,
Wow, very interesting! Sounds like your rson had a moment of, if not guilt, at least questiong 'why him and not me?" And it almost sounds like your bson didn't want to hear the reasons why (although I think you did the right thing in laying it out there for him). I'm so happy for you that things have turned out the way they have, and you have both your wonderful sons in your life! And also that they have each other!

Boys are such unique creatures...I also wonder how things would have gone if they'd been girls! I suspect it might have been a little bumpier!

[Jordan's bmom]

How true, girls are much more emotional. --- My rson did have feelings of guilt, but they were quickly dispelled. He's so funny, he had this image of my bson being an orphan with no parents. Once I cleared that up and told him that his brother was raised by 2 parents that loved him and that he had a full and wonderful life his guilt was relieved. I'm not sure if bson was afraid of the reasons why I relinquished him or if he was trying to spare me the pain of telling him. I'll tell you this, after meeting my mother and siblings, he thanked me for the choice I made. I think it solidified that I made the right decision. My family is way out there. Poor rson can atest to that. I was a little more in control of my life when I had rson. I had my own place and a car, with bson I was still in high school and unsure of everything. I definitely didn't want to bring my baby into my parents house, that I knew for sure. Anything else I can help you with, just ask, I love to talk!

[stunderdahl]

Great, I'm a big 'talker' myself!

Isn't it funny what a delicate dance it is, making sure everyone's questions are answered and that everyone feels okay about things? It sounds like you've done a great job of making sure that everyone, including yourself, understands the situation as much as something like that can be understood. I find that the most difficult things in life often only make sense in retrospect, when you have the emotional distance to examine them with more objectivity.

Your sons both sound like they're growing into wonderful men, and the way you've helped them handle this experience can only make them more mature, tuned-in to their feelings, and better able to face future 'gray' areas of life.
Susan

[angel_island1622]

Hi S.T.,
I am very interested in the subject matter of your book. I am wondering if your book will touch on any aspects related to a bmother's feelings in whether or not to tell their raised children of the child they gave up for adoption. I am an adoptee who recently found her bmother. Our contact has been limited due to her raised children not knowing of me. Do you have any experience with this? Just curious. I'll be looking for that book next month!

[katlyn]

I'm a bmom in wait, I found my bdaughter in April of last yr, she is 20..soon to be 21. I went on to have more children ten yrs later, a daughter who will be 11 this yr and two boys, age 4 and 1, all are my bdaughters half siblings. It is wonderful to know that you have written a book which if reunion comes to pass, might be a helpful tool for my firstdaughter and second daughter. Although, my daughter knows she has an older sibling, and she is still young, who knows what hurdles they might have to endure. My daughter has always said she wanted a sister, having been blessed with two younger brothers..., now that she knows she has one, the wait for a possible reunion is sheer torture, for me and for her. I have wondered many a time if I did the right thing in telling her, there are so many positives and negatives to be weighed. In the end, she deserves to know, and I would rather it come from me, and not when I'm gone and she has this anonymous person claiming to be her sister. I felt she had a right to know, and I didn't want to make my first daughter some sort of aweful secret, because she was no secret, she was loved. Anyhow, sorry to ramble, I look forward to reading more posts and cannot wait to get my hands on that book!!! Thanks again, for covering an issue that seemed to have been over looked.

[stunderdahl]

Aw yes, to tell or not to tell...I think that's one that many bmom's agonize over! And equally important: when to tell? And what to say?...

First of all, thank you all so much for your interest in my book! In writing "The Other Sister", I really tried to give each of the characters a chance to talk about their unique perspectives and feelings, so yes, the bmom does talk about some of her decisions, both to surrender her child and why she hasn't chosen to reveal the fact to her other children before the bdaughter reappears. Every situation is different, of course, but I think there are some common dynamics for bparents in these situations: feelings of shame, guilt, regret, or maybe just not feeling ready to respond to all of the inevitable questions.

From a purely personal perspective, I think that the 'shock factor' definitely makes the reunion experience a little more difficult, so I think it's usually easier if the other children know about the surrendered child, but as a parent myself I also totally understand why it might be a difficult topic to broach. (As you'll read in "The Other Sister", certain events almost, but not quite, made the information come out a few months before the actual reunion. ) I do feel that we all have a greater sense of control if something happens that we expect 'might' occur, rather than something totally out of the blue, so for that reason alone I would expect that 'kept' siblings might have a better chance of adjusting more easily if they knew about the existence of a surrendered child.

While trying to put together information for my workshop, it's become SO apparent to me how little attention has been paid to this aspect of the reunion experience. I think that it's natural that most of the focus is on the primary members of the reunion triad...the bparents, adoptee, and aparents. In the process, however, bsiblings can be quietly experiencing some pretty powerful feelings and coping with some enormous identity challenges, and that's what "The Other Sister" is about.

And speaking of "The Other Sister"...great news! Amazon.com started sending it out last week (prematurely, as the official release date is March 1st) and sold out their first stock of it within four days! They're re-stocked now, however, so you can order a copy if you'd like; Kirkus Reviews called it "Gently touching and ultimately hopeful" Hooray! (if you want to know more about it, you can visit my website at www.stunderdahl.com)

Susan

[Jordan's bmom]

Originally Posted by stunderdahl

Aw yes, to tell or not to tell...I think that's one that many bmom's agonize over! And equally important: when to tell? And what to say?...

This is exactly why I never told raised son about his brother. I simply didn't know when, why, or how. Was he too young? Was there too much going on in his life to handle such huge info? I just didn't know. I couldn't imagine telling him he did have the brother he always wanted, but we couldn't see him. I was very open about bson with everyone else, and there were a couple of close calls, where I thought he may have over heard something. I still don't know if not telling him was the right thing to do. He tells me that I should have told him, that he would''ve been fine with the info. But he's 17, I don't think he could predict that with any accuracy. Or could he? Well, all worked out in the end so...

I am definitely going to check out Amazon for your book! Congratulations!

[stunderdahl]

Hm, that's interesting: I never thought about the 'well then why can't we see him?" question. I think that for my birthmom, it was a matter of wanting to wait until the kids were mature enough to handle the information, but when the information came out, the one who was probably the most mature ended up being the one who had the most difficulty with it. I guess it's just hard to tell.

Any bmom's out there who can give us other insights? Any siblings who want to chime in?