[Pommom]

I just read your post and I am an adoptee reunited with bdamily for 2 months now. I also have a half brother possibly full brother who I know about from my nonidentifying info. He's 3 years older than me and he was adopted out as well as me. He found our bmom 8 years ago and has since stopped communication w/ her the last 5. My guess is because she refused to tell her other 2 kids about him. She's not sure if he is a full brother or half because she was seperated from her husband our father and was dating his father at the time. She got back with our father and found out she was pregnant so she is really not sure. She thinks he is only a half brother because she said he looks like the German boyfriend she had when her and my father were seperated.
I would like to contact him and she said no because she told him that she didn't have any other children after him. So I guess she is just trying to save face but, I know my full brother who I just found would love to get to know him they are only 2 years apart. So I think you should try and contact your siblings they may be very happy to hear all about you.

Pommom
2 months in reunion

[julz12-13]

i have just started in reunion w/ my bd. she is almost 21yo. i have a dd 17yodd,14yods and 2yods all half siblings. i am 41yo. i told my older children when they were younger about their bs b/c of a situation i saw a friend have. she was 28 when she found out her mom had a bd. she was very mad and jealous. so i wanted my dd especially to "grow up" knowing this is something i wanted. she has just taken it for that. has asked over the years what would i do IF bd didnt find us, could she look instead. well here we are now, and the girls LOVE each other. they already made a decision on their own to be "sisters". my bd has no siblings. she has planned all along to find me, hoping i had a family to share w/ her. my 14yods, is totally fine, but deffinitely a 14yo...not that interested to talk on the phone. we all have not met, b/c bd is away on a summer job. she lives 30 mins from me when home w/ aparents. and goes to school about 4 hrs away. her aparents and i have emailed. they have let me know they are happy for this, have prepared for this..and are very comfortable. we are ALL Christians...so thats what makes our situation so unique. everyone has prayed about this along the way. her parents are in the ministry as are my parents. YES! i was the typical preacher's daughter...blah blah blah..LOL!! i would LOVE to write a book w/ prospectives of everyone involved. i think it could be enlightening. i lived w/ a family while pregnant w/ bd, whose children were adopted. so its just been a FULL circle all the way around. you just cant deny God had His hand in all of it.
if you have any questions i can help w/, i would LOVE to. i am also a talker. infact, i was allowed to write aparents and bd a letter to give to the atty at the A hearing. aparents brought up that i said if she ended up talking their ears off, she got it honestly. (cool thing..this was a quote from my letter) they said she is a talker!!! LOL!!! i know i am truly blessed!!!!

[vmisc]

Hello

I hope I can keep this short, but it is kind of a hard to keep this type of story short.

When I was 9 yrs old, I was visiting my father, (my parents were divorced), and I found an envelope on a shelf that said: To Daddy. I knew that I didn't give it to him so I got curious and looked inside the envelope, (it had already been opened). It was a Father's Day card and it was signed (by and adult), but is said: Love, Jeff

When I got home to my Mom's, I told her what I found, (and I was a very mature 9 year old), and she told me that it was probably the child that his girlfriend had. My father was 43 and the girlfriend was a 29 and married, (but it was an off and on separation/getting back together for the kids -type of arrangement), she had 4 kids from her husband, and this boy Jeff, was her fifth child. My Father and this woman dated throughout her divorce, and once the divorce to her husband was final, my Father and this woman broke up. She never told her husband that the child was my Father's and it was a mutual thing, between my Father and her, there was no commitment, she didn't want child support and he had no interest in seeing him, and since no one but them, knew the truth (besides my Mom and me.... but they didn't know that), they each went on with their lives. (This goes back to 1962. I was born in 1953).

I never told my Father that I found that card. However when I started having children, I gave one of my son's the middle name Jeffrey, hoping that maybe he would have a feeling I knew the truth, but he never said anything. My Father died in 1981. Years later I found a picture of Jeff, as a two year old, and he looked just like my Father and I did at that age. I looked just like my Father up until I was about 3 years old or so.

I would mention it to my Mom every now and then and it turns out that she ended up being friends with Jeff's Mother, (my Father's ex girlfriend), and her new husband who she married in 1965. I asked my Mom if she would ever get the nerve to ask her if he was my Father's son, since they were each married again and had other children with the new spouses and were very happy and she said she never did ask her. I told my Mom that one of these days I was going to get the courage and send her a letter asking her.

Well, my Mom passed away on April 30, 2007 and out of the blue I decided to write to this woman, Jeff's Mother. I had her address because they kept in contact after all this time.

I told her exactly what I have written here. I told her that I wasn't trying to start trouble, but after wondering for the past 45 years, and not having a Father for the past 26 years, I just wanted to know if Jeff is my half brother, just knowing that part of my Father, (besides me), was still alive. I said to her, maybe Jeff doesn't even know the truth, and I asked if I could at least have some pictures of him from the past and recent times.

I got a letter from her within a week. She sent me pictures of him and I can't believe how much he looks like my Father! However, she said no one knows the truth, except for herself and her husband of the past 42 years. She said although Jeff knows that her husband isn't his Father, it is the only Father he knew. He just assumes that her first husband, (the one she was divorcing when she met my Father), is his biological Father. He knows that the man she has been marrried to since he was only about 3 years old is his actual Step-Dad, but considers him his Father. Now that man is 76 years old and my Father's ex, Jeff's Mom, is 74.

She said that she and her husband have discussed this situation after getting my letter, and they said they don't want to tell him, because it will ruin their relationship. She said they are a very close family and they like the relationship they have. She said that she hopes I keep it a secret and don't try to contact Jeff. Is she being selfish or am I?

I really don't think it is fair and I don't know what to do. How can something like that ruin their family? Jeff is almost 45 years old. It isn't like he is a teenager and his biological Father (my Father), is still alive. He would be 88 years old if he was. If Jeff always knew that the husband she has been married to since 1965 isn't his "real" Father, and the man he thought was his real Father he never really knew any way, because of the divorce (and they moved down South from New England back in 1965), so Jeff never saw her first husband much anyway. I suspect that maybe that husband always knew that he wasn't the real Father and maybe he didn't treat Jeff the same as his 4 sisters and brothers. All she said was he never really knew the first husband, that he assumes his is Father, so how can hearing now, for the first time, at 45 years old, that the man he thought was his biological Father really wasn't, and it was a "boyfriend" that only dated her for a year and a half and they mutually parted ways- how can that affect their family life the way it is now? Wouldn't you think that as a 45 year old man, he may be interested in knowing that he has a 54 year old half sister? And know what his nationality really is and what his "real" last name would have been? Don't you think he notices that he doesn't look ANYTHING like his 4 sisters and brothers from her first husband? He is a dead ringer of my Father in so many of the photos she sent me, at all different ages.

Does she have a right to expect me not to contact him, my half brother? It isn't fair to me that I know I have a brother, and can't contact him, and it isn't fair to him, not knowing the whole truth, and that he has a half sister 1,200 miles away. Maybe he wouldn't even care that I exist, but I think he deserves to make that decision himself. What if he is a real "family man" and he would be really hurt later on, when they pass away, that they didn't tell him? And he never had the option of knowing that I exist. I plan on keeping in contact with her, and as soon as I find out that she or her husband have passed away, I will contact him, but I want to know someone's opinion, if I should try and send him a letter sooner than that.

Thank you for reading my story, and sorry that is was so long!

[sleepdeprived]

Wow, what a situation. I would be very carfeul to consider all of the effects of your actions on others involved. It is possible that he will be excited to know you and welcome you with open arms. However, at this point, you could also really affect him in a negative way by turning his life upside down. His mother and step dad know him, and if they think he will not handle it well than there is a real possibility that he won't. Even if he does not really know the person he thinks is his biological father, you will still be telling him that his mother has lied to him and that his true biological father (also your father) did not want anything to do with him, which could be very painful. In fact he may resent you for the fact that your father wanted to know you and not him. It also sounds like he currently has several siblings that he thinks are full bioloical siblings, and who knows what you may do to his relations ships with him. Maybe if you continue a friendly relationship with his mother she will get to know you and change her mind. Especially if she learns your intentions and how important it is to you to have a sibling. It seems like you would have a better chance of him welcoming you into his life if you have her support.

Good luck and I hope you find answers and your brother soon!

[Pommom]

Hello,
As you can see my replys I am in the exact same boat as you and I am torn between contacting my half possible full brother and not because I told my bmom that I would not contact him because she had some contact w/him in the past and told him that she did not have any other kids after him which of course was a lie because she had me and I too was adopted out just like him. I just don't know what to do. I hope I get up enough courage to ask her for a picture of him. They haven't had contact in about 5 years now and probably never will again. His wife was adopted also and they were planning on kids and wanted to get family medical history. That is the only reason he ever contacted her at his wifes insistance. So all I can say to you is follow your heart and maybe let his mother know how much you need to know him because you feel a part of you is missing not knowing him.
Best wishes to you and good luck if you do contact Jeff let us know how it went and give us some advice.
Thanks,
Pommom

[Pommom]

Hello,
As you can see my replys I am in the exact same boat as you and I am torn between contacting my half possible full brother and not because I told my bmom that I would not contact him because she had some contact w/him in the past and told him that she did not have any other kids after him which of course was a lie because she had me and I too was adopted out just like him. I just don't know what to do. I hope I get up enough courage to ask her for a picture of him. They haven't had contact in about 5 years now and probably never will again. His wife was adopted also and they were planning on kids and wanted to get family medical history. That is the only reason he ever contacted her at his wifes insistance. So all I can say to you is follow your heart and maybe let his mother know how much you need to know him because you feel a part of you is missing not knowing him.
Best wishes to you and good luck if you do contact Jeff let us know how it went and give us some advice.
Thanks,
Pommom

[NYLM]

Was adopted by my Bmom's sister as a toddler. She moved across the country as a deterant to any potential relationship with other relatives or (gasp) "the secret" getting out!

I'm the oldest of 5 in my AFamily . The youngest of 6 for my BMom and the youngest of 8 for my BDad.

My ASiblings don't know about my adoption. Even though they should it's soooo obvious !

My maternal siblings always knew but it was a secret-so they weren't allowed to talk to me

My paternal siblings recently found out and well they're pretending to accept me.

[snuffie]

Hi
I am the oldest of 8! My bmom had me when she was very young and I was placed for adoption shortly after I was born. She got married to a man other than my bfather soon after and noone was ever told about me.

Fast forward to many years later. I contact one of my sisters. Our mother had died 4 years earlier. And even though my sis never knew about me, she welcomed me with open arms. She "introduced" me to the others and for that I am forever grateful. One of my brothers is only 18 months younger than me and he says I was the biggest shock of his life. We kid back and forth about being the "oldest". I am extremely blessed to have all of them in my life.

It has taken some getting used to for me to have such a huge family and it has taken them some getting used to to have me as their sister I'm sure! No one ever asked to see proof after seeing me because I look almost exactly like my bmom.

One of my brothers sends out a list of addresses and phone numbers of everyone every year because our family is so large. Imagine my feelings when I saw my name at the top of the list, taking my place as the oldest! Priceless!

Snuffie

[NYLM]

Met 3 of 5 Bsis - big shocker! The 1st Sis was in town doing her own thing and looked me up and acted like I owed her something for doing it. She pretended she was glad to meet me and then about 6 months later writes me a condescending e-mail. Just tore me up one side and down the other. Haven't spoken to her since. She basically said that I was "after something" from my BDad...a man I hadn't even met!

Met sis #2 when I met my BDad. She used to contact me via e-mail from time to time but when I met her & bro she didn't say more than "hi". Same with bro. Haven't heard from her since, save for a "forward-this-to-10-people-in-10-minutes e-mail". Bro has never contacted me.

Met sis #3 last week. She called me about a week after she was in town and sent me an e-mail that said she was visiting friends. Went to visit w/her, she plopped down on the couch, turned her back to me & DH and watched TV. When I tried to introduce my DH to her she cut me off and said "Ya I figured". We went out in an attempt to talk a bit. She barely answered when we spoke to her and just frowned the whole time then complained of being tired and wanting to go home!
Alrighty then!

I realize that they don't really want a relationship w/me they have now satisfied their desire to give me a once over, so mission accomplished I guess.

[stunderdahl]

Wow, that's really sad. It sounds like they didn't give one thought to how you might be feeling in the situation, or how their borderline-hostile behavior might affect you. How are you feeling in all of this? I would NOT be okay; I'd be disappointed, sad, hurt, and even angry.

I think they're dealing with some angry feelings that they can't directly articulate, so those feelings are coming out in these passive aggressive ways. Still, that's not your problem, and you certainly deserve to be treated like a human being. At the very least, they're rude and immature people, and you clearly inherited all the 'class' genes in from the family gene pool.

[NYLM]

Stunderdahl,

I knew they didn't really care curiousity just got the better of them. I was thinking that meeting them at their ages 36,39 & 42 they'd be more mature than me 28
They deny feeling anything about the situation but I know a lot of it is trying to pay homage to their mother whom my Bdad cheated on w/my BMom, so I can expect that much.

After spending a 1.5 days w/BDad his wife called and demanded that I leave her house! We packed up and left but my 3-yr old was devasted. He clung onto his Grandad and cried most of the day asking when we were going back. So far that has been the most hurtful part.

They're just an odd bunch. One married w/o kids, one is common law w/kid, one is single w/kids & living @ home...I guess how dare ME be married w/kid and on my own.....weirdos.

They will never let my BDad live this down and it's taken a tole on his health. Not that they care of even pay him any attention. I'm worried about what might happen to him.

Honestly my sentiments are mostly that of dissapointment but alas ... can't have it all. I feel badly to know that this is the man that raised THEM and they don't even know to feel ashamed of themselves.

[amitola]

Hi..I am new to the site and posted painful journey the other day about this particular topic..I have just ended relationships with 2 full sisters after 4yr reunion..2 of those in close proximity..I am having a difficult time since i dont have other family sibs and the dream idea of having sisters was such a beautiful delusion..until now..At first there was this amazing connection as tho we had always known eachother and just not lived together..the honeymoon phase of course..and in the midst of all the emotion..our mother was dying..reality has set in..and I have been feeling many things over the past yr...none of them healthy and happy...had i met these women in a social setting..we would not have become friends but since they were called sisters..and I so wanted a relationship I tried to cultivate and open and honest loving relationship..yup..so i thought...turned pretty ugly when i asked for space..these are not girls..we are all in our 50s now..the 2 of them never had a relationship with eachother either so I was a buffer and glue if you would..It is such a difficult path to travel when you have been abused ect..to find a family..and discover the truth..It is time tho..that i look after myself and my energy and it is sad that it couldnt be..for now anyway..They have very serious issues with no insight or desire to even peek into their *stuff*..one just has to do your best..and then let it go..I will watch for your book..sounds facinating..we need more info and stories..good luck..

[NYLM]

I am sorry to hear of what you recently went through. It's not easy checking in or out of these new found relationships but I salute you for having the courage to what you knew was right. Stay strong!

[stunderdahl]

NYLM -
I feel bad for your Bdad that he has had to spend his life with such bitter, spiteful people. Obviously tere's still alot of unresolved anger over his affair and the fact that a child resulted as a permanent reminder of it, even 28 years later. It's too bad that they can't be mature enough to see you as you are, a person with feelings, and not just a lightening rod for their anger. How fortunate for you that you didn't grow up in that family, because of all your father's children it appears that you were the only one who turned out to be strong, confident, and with a secure sense of yourself that can't be threatened by other people's unhealthy behavior. Good for you; stay strong, and I'm betting your Bdad might eventually try to find a way to have a relationship with you and your family outside of his life with those other toxic people.

[stunderdahl]

Amitola,
I think you said it all when you said that you wee the 'glue' between the sisters; when you decided to step back, I'll bet they felt upset at the idea of losing not only you but the whole 'sister' unit. And yet, it's not your responsibility to hold it all together; in a healthy relationship, you should be able to ask for what you need (space) without retribution. Maybe if you assure them that you're not rejecting them, but rather just are feeling a little overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the last 4 years and you need some time to sort it all out?