[stunderdahl]

Great news! "The Other Sister" is now available through this site's store under "Books" and "Search and Reunion"!

[geogdeb]

I am not a sibling, but a bmom and am about to witness the f2f reunion of my bson and my daughter. I have known my son for almost a year now (March 2nd -- how time flies) and have met him once and we talk often. However, my two raised children have not met him because he lives so far away. My raised son is quiet and shy and seldom makes the first move to talk to anyone even though he is a wonderful and kind individual. So my bson and he don't have much of a relationship yet. My daughter and my bson have talked tentatively through email and a couple of phone calls. I am anxious to see how things go after they meet in person. Both seem very confident and outgoing, but seem to have some insecurities. My daughter constantly wants me to reassure her of my love for her (she is 22). I am hoping that this is going to be a wonderful thing for both of them.

I also can't wait to read your book. Maybe it will give me some insights on how to help my children deal with these new relationships since there seem to be few social norms to guide us.

Good Luck,

Deb

[stunderdahl]

Wow, you're in for an amazing ride, Deb. It's so hard to fully anticipate the complexity of emotions that come with this aspect of the reunion process; I think we know much more about what the primary triad experiences because there's been so much more focus on and awareness of that, but the sibling issues are still kind of unstudied.

I really believe that the best thing to do is to make it clear that all feelings are natural and acceptable (even negative ones), and that the healthiest way to deal with them is to get them out in the open and talk about them. After all, this is a complete restructuring of your family; how can that not be both scary and exciting?

I would have to say that from my perspective the experience of getting to know my bsiblings has by turns been awkward, exhilarating, uncomfortable, joyful, unsettling, humorous, and...well, it's not over yet, so the list hasn't ended. I think that the main thing is to keep saying: "I love you so much and I know this is weird...how are you feeling? Can we talk about it?"

I look forward to hearing how it goes. (big hug)

[kmh1_08210]

I'm so glad I looked in this thread and definitely want to check out the book. I am also one of those "secrets". I have been reunited with bmom for almost a year and a half and bdad (who didn't know I existed) for a little over a year. Bmom has 2 grown children, a boy and a girl and Bdad has 4 children--2 boys and 2 girls--the oldest girl is less than 2 years younger than me (I'm 37). None of my siblings know about me and its starting to look like they never will. I am both excited and scared about meeting them--I wonder what it would be like and then dread that I might not get the chance unless I went against the wishes of bmom or bdad--and I don't want to do that.
I'm always eager to gain perspective on this, so thanks for this thread!

[stunderdahl]

Wow, so neither of your bparents want to tell their other children about you? That's incredible. I just got back from the American Adoption Congress meeting in Boston and heard alot of different perspectives on the subject, but aI can't think of any birthparent I met there who chose not to inform their other children once they'd been contacted by their surrendered child. (or at least none who admitted it, haha)

I guess it seems like that's a truly selfish decision on the part of your bparents, if you want my opinion. It seems like they must be more worried about how it might reflect on them, rather than your feelings or the fact that their other children may actually be excited to have another sibling. Do you think you might go against their wishes?

[Angie C]

Hi, I'm an adoptee, and one of 6 birth sisters and 2 or 3 birth brothers. I have found and reunited either by phone or f2f meeting with all of the sisters all of whom are actually birth half sisters (same mother and different father) I have not been able to locate the birth brothers however continue to search as I have fond out a lot of identifying info over the years. These birth brothers are "full" birth brothers of at least 2 of them are, I'm not sure if the other brother was born dead the info is questionable.

I can't wait to read your book and hear more about your story. There is so much to tell about my reunions that I feel I could write a book. I would love to talk with you more about my life story as there are some very delicate issues involved in it. Feel free to pm me and I could give you my phone number.

I met my one of my "big sisters" about 16 years ago and we have kept in contact, shared holidays and some vacations together over the years. We have so much in common it is uncanning. She is a rehab counselor and I am a social worker. We favor a lot, we have a lot of the same "tastes", we talk alike and have similar personalities as well. I love just sitting and having "special time" and talking about personal stuff when we are able to spend time together. Both of our husbands are great guys and they are very sensitive to our feelings and even make comments that indicate they could tell we were "sisters". I have learned things from her just like "little sisters" learn from "older ones" and I think she learns little things from me too. I have also just last summer reunited with a birth half-sister that was the first born and my other bhsister and this bhsister keep in touch. I had a wonderful reunion with both of these bhsisters and have video and pictures of the reunion. Your bsister should be very thankful that she has a "big sister" and not waste any precious time in getting to know you. From what I have read today on several posts, you are a wonderful and loving person and "she" is the one that is missing out on a wonderful sister sibling relationship.
My adoptive parents were always so loving and caring, and my mom even got emotional right before she was going to meet my bhsister and told me that if she had of known about her she would have adopted her too and indicated that she had some "emotional stuff" related to this as this particular bhsister was never actually legally adopted by the family that she first was raised by as this family was helping to raise her back then.
I have an adoptive sister that I was raised with and years later our parents were able to have a biological child. We are a very close-knit family and we all always know what's going on in each others' life. When our (adoptive) daddy was living, (he passed away about 3 1/2 years ago), he always called us and worried about all of us when we were out at night, just like when we were still at home. Our parents have always showed unconditional love to all of us and always tried to treat us the same.
Our parents supported me and accompanied me when "that time" came for me to be able to find out biological info. They also supportive my (adoptive) sister when she was old enough to find out biological info and our dad even helped to find my (adoptive) sister's birth mother and was supportive in their reunion.
Congatulations on your book! I can't wait to get it.
I'd love to hear more from you in regard to how you felt and still feel as an adoptee. One thing that I am real "intrigued" with is genetics and the role this has in everything, including how one looks, talks, behaves and expresses one's self. This would also includes a person's interests to some degree. I would also love to know what yours studies have involved as a psychologist.
I mentioned that I was a social worker , and my work history consists of extensive work as a psychiatric social worker so therefore I am and have been very interested in studying mental health issues. Ironically I did find out that my birth mother was institutionallized due to nervous breakdowns, and initally this sorta of scared me, as I was in about my 3rd year of college but my first social work job was at a state hospital and I might add that I loved it. I had a friend who has been a social worker for several years and she encouraged me to call and find out more info. as there were only 3 state hospitals in the state and I was working at one of them. My job as a social worker also enabled me to be a better support and have a better understanding of mental health issues and how treatment was so very different years ago in the 1950's and 1960's than it is now. I still stay in touch with birth mother and try to be a support to her and my other two bhsisters that I have met also keep in touch with her and visit at times.
Well I told you that I felt like I could write a book--
as there is so much more to this life story.
May I also mention that my husband and I are in the process of trying to adopt and I hope we will be able to soon. We love children and would like to have another baby. We were blessed after experiencing infertilitty problems and undergoing treatments with our little girl who is almost 10 and we have been trying to have another since she was a little over 1 year old. I certainly thought that as fertile as my birth mother was back then that I would be able to have more children however this has not happened and I am 43. I have a strong passion for adoption and even one day would love to work in the field. I hope that we are fortunate enough to have a birth mother pick us that would be able to see how I could identify with an adopted child's feelings and be supportive.
Take care and best of luck to you in your future endeavors in life. Angie C.

[stunderdahl]

Angie,
Wow, your family cup overfloweth! You're very lucky and blessed to have so many loving people in your life, and I'm really happy for you that your reunions thus far have been so positive. My aparents continue to struggle with my 'situation', even though my reunion was seventeen years ago now. In fact, I plan to go home over Easter weekend and have arranged some publicity stuff for the book, and now last night my sister told me that my parents are very upset about it. I just don't get it; it's been seventeen years and they're still angry that I didn't get their permission before I searched (apparently they actually SAY this, although never to me).

As far as my bsister goes, I've just had to learn to let that go and accept that it's about her, not about me. I have two wonderful asisters with whom I have a terrific, loving relationship and that's more important to me than anything. They, too, had some questions about why I searched but they were accepting of the answers and of my need to search. Sure, my bsister and I share alot of genetic characteristics, but that doesn't mean that we have to have a relationship, or that I even want to have a relationship with someone who makes it clear that she despises me and is constantly looking for ways to belittle me in an effort to feel better about herself. My relationship with my asisters is built on love and mutual respect, and that's the kind of energy I choose to have in my life. Can I say I never feel hurt about the relationship (or lack thereof) with my bsister? No. But I'm getting there.

[MandaPanda83]

I've posted about my reunion with my bsis in a few other threads but thought I'd toss it in here since it totally relates.

Growing up I always knew about her, that she was somewhere out there. When I was about 15 I found a baby photo her aparents had given my aparents. Since that day I've kept it in my wallet.

A little over a year ago we found each other and it has totally changed my life. We are only 10 months apart in age. We look, act, sound, and behave so alike, it creeps my husband/her bf out. lol Some of her friends have mistaken me for her, from hearing my voice.

Having grown up always feeling that I didn't fit in anywhere, no one understood me, and feeling so terribly out of place, having her in my life changed all that. It has really helped me to connect better with other people. I've become more outgoing as well.

She's everything I could have hoped for in a sister. I only hope that my other bsis and bbrother are as wonderful as her (they are still with bparents, whom I'm searching for)

[irisheyes33]

stunderdahl,

I'll definitely pick up a copy of your book! I have been in reunion with my birthmother for almost two years, and think I may have located my bfather as well as my older half-sister (on his side). Growing up as an only child, I always wanted a brother or sister...but now that I know I have at least one out there (at least according to my bmom!) is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. My bfather doesn't know I exist, so I have been hesitating about contacting him, not wanting to disrupt the relationship I have with my birthmom and also out of plain fear. I have been trying to imagine how my father and sister might react to hearing about me and I want to go into this as prepared as I possibly can be.

Thanks for publishing a book about this little-discussed aspect of reunion!

[stunderdahl]

Wow, it's always amazing to hear the strong feelings of joy, hope, apprehension, etc. in adoptees voices when they talk about their reunion experiences and hopes. I'm continually astounded at the beauty, fragility, and complexity of these relationships. I so agree that while there's alot of research and attention focused on the dynamics of the primary triad of bparent/adoptee/aparent in the reunion process, there just isn't much understanding yet of the complicated emotions that siblings feel in these situations. I just did a workshop on exactly that topic at the American Adoption Congress 28th Annual Meeting in Boston, and although there were lots of other great workshops being held at the same time, mine was PACKED. It really illustrates that this is an important phenomenon and there needs to be more understanding and support for adoptees and their siblings as they work to establish their relationship. I'm very hopeful that "The Other Sister" will bring some attention to this issue! Thank you so much for your interest in the subject and in my book; I really hope you enjoy it and would welcome any and all feedback!

[Biggsista]

Hi Stunder-
I was not adopted, but my half-brother grew up in what I call a foster home..(a nice family took him in and cared for him as his mother died young and our father was an alchoholic). I did not know about his existence until my teen years. (five years my junior) He called me when our father was dying almost 20 years later.(I had written a couple of letters to him over the years but he really didn't want contact). I know I do not really fit in here but its the only place I can feel I relate.. Our relationship has had its ups and downs..one minute I'm happy to have him in my life and the next I'm angry and feel like I am doing all the work to keep the relationship going...Its been a few years now of back and forth..One minute I feel he cares and wants to be part of our life and the next moment I feel like he and his wife could care less..it's really a rollercoaster like they say..sometimes I wish I didn't care soooooo much and could just say "oh well" what happens happens...

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi S.T.,

I just read your book in the past week, and it really touched me. I wish your sister could simply accept you for who you are, without getting all tangled up in how your existence relates to her self esteem.

I'm an adoptee, and was told many years ago that I have an older half sister who was also adopted out. She was born in '70 and I was born in April '71, so we're very close in age. I would LOVE to meet her, but have no idea how to find her as she was adopted through a different agency and I don't know her birthdate...

I recently found my birthmother, and wrote her a letter that she would have received a little more than a month ago. I haven't heard anything back from her yet, but I'm trying to remain hopeful. I would LOVE to meet her, too. Wish me luck!

[stunderdahl]

BiggSista -
Isn't it funny how much ambivalence one feels in these situations? It's weird how we end up thinking and analyzing these relationships so much more than other siblings do. Maybe it's because we don't take them for granted as much? Or maybe it's because we meet as adults, when we realize we (and they) can make a choice about whether or not we like each other and want to share our lives. Somehow that's more threatening, because everyone stands the potential for being rejected...

[stunderdahl]

Wow, Gwen...just thinking back to being in your shoes (searching, waiting) makes my heart skip a beat! Of course I wish you all the luck in the world; please keep me posted!

And I'm so glad you enjoyed The Other Sister!

[Pommom]

Hello, I'm new here and just found my older full sister last month. When she first heard about me she was suprised and happy I guess she wrote me a real nice email. Since then she has not replied to any of mine nor does she talk to me on the phone. Whenever I call my new mom she always says "Say hi to my new baby sister" I'm 42 and shes 47. She lives with my new mom and she is a spoiled brat still so my new full brother who is 46 told me she likes me but, she doesn't want me to get to know the real her because she is embarrassed about her situation of not having a job for the last 8 years and still living with our mother. she also thinks I may have some kind of influence on my new mom to wake up and kick her out or make her get a job. So she is not to happy with me talking to our mother. I don't care about her living situation or job issues I just want a sister to share things with and get to know.
I've sent her a nice card and bday present but, she hasn't received it yet hopefully that will open the door to talk some.
On the other hand my new brother has been great and accepted me from the start and as soon as he was told about me he said "We have to call her now and welcome her to the family."
So no contact with my newly found full sister. Thats my story on the sister reunion.

Pommom
2 months in reunion