[2littleguys]

OMGosh,
I just got a call yest. from registry I just signed up with ... bmom signed up 9 years ago (I was 21). I have current name, address, phone #. Didn't expect this. Happy, stunned, & scared! During this phone call I couldn't even speak, but lady on phone told me to call bmom that eve (yesterday).
Well, I couldn't do it. I'm sure I'd have no idea what to say, and either not be able to talk or say all the wrong things! But I don't know if she expected me to call and has been waiting by the phone for 24 hours. I don't want to be disrespectful, rude, or to mess things up from the beginning.
Do I just write a letter, or do I work up the courage to call?? Of course, I might have a heart attack before I do either Please help!!

[irisheyes33]

Call her...call her...call her!!! Of course you are in shock...but don't be hard on yourself. Picking up that phone is the toughest thing in the world, and I get that...but take a deep breath...and just do it. Trust me. The words will come. The longer you worry, the harder it gets

Best of luck...please let us know how it goes!!!

[lonni]

Call....
Waiting does not help!!!
Breath deep and call.

[amyshaw]

Speaking as a b-mom AND and adoptee, I imagine you're scared to death! But you know what? So is she!! Remember, she's the one who, for whatever reason, had to place you for adoption. She's probably nervous that you're going to yell and scream, or that she'll say the wrong thing and lose you all over again! If it were me, I'd just start with "hello" and see where it goes from there. Maybe write down some things you'd like to say to her before you call. I'm sure you have questions, or maybe you'd like to thank her for the choice she made? "Hello" will be the hardest part of the conversation, I think. And if it gets too "touchy", you can always make up an excuse to get off thephone and try again later.

[2littleguys]

Well, it gets worse ... I was all geared up to have hubby call my bmom tonight and set up a time we could both talk. (or he'd tell her I'd write a letter if she sounded scary). BUT I called amom 1st, and she's flipping out about the whole thing as if her heart is broken, which makes me feel horrible. I know I don't need her approval, but I can't help feeling I'm betraying her by calling if she's not ok with it.
And on the flip side, I feel like a lousy person keeping bmom waiting (if she is waiting) for a phone call from me, and feel like I've already made a bad 1st impression even though we haven't even communicated.
I feel like I've disrupted so many lives in the last 2 days. I wish it was simple. I wish I could just call without feeling guilty. I was so happy, for a moment, and now I'm so stressed out. I know there are bigger problems in the world, but I'm alittle overwhelmed right now.

[Sun8]

remembr also that your bmom put a post up years ago...she has been waiting all that time so dont be nervous. you know she has been waiting and wanting to hear your voice!

[zxczxcasdasd]

As an amom, let me assure you that acting according to your own conscience is not betrayal. Your mom has feelings and you can be compassionate and loving without being ruled by it.

Moms get a little jumpy at anything that feels like a threat to their relationship with their kids. She obviously feels very scared and feels that it somehow reflects on how you feel about her.

State your case lovingly but firmly. Maybe talk to your dad or her best friend about really being there for her and supporting her through this, so it doesn't all fall on you. She is going to need a lot of support and help understanding your position. She may even need counseling as a safe place to work through her fears. But you can love her and respect her and cherish her and still live your own life. You don't owe her the rest of your life or your emotional autonomy. Loving does not mean ruling or being ruled. It means loving.

[kakuehl]

Give your amom some time, this is a scary thing that can feel like rejection to a mom. If you keep letting her know that you love her and she is still your mother, it'll help. Remind her that you can find the person who gave you life and whose genetics you share and not reject her. You are enriching your life and your understanding of who you are. Getting to know your bmom can enrich all your lives.

Did your DH call your bmom? It is scary! D and I emailed and im'd for about 2 months before we met f2f. D's Amom was gracious but couldn't see any point in D's wanting more than medical info from me. (D has been persistant: he invites both DH and me and his parents and all siblings to family gatherings. We were all at D's for Christmas Day this year and I finally met his asisters (and D met his bgrandfather, my dad).

Every relationship is unique. D's a & b families show that it can work!

I know how scary it is to start the contact. My recommendation (like others) is take a deep breathe and plunge in. (We here to support you!)

[Sniffles]

I agree with everyone else, CALL HER! Last year I updated some of my registries and a search angel found my birthgrandparents. When she told me they wanted contact with me, I drove 40 miles to my parents to make the first phone call. Yes it is scary, but I preferred calling rather than trying to send a letter. Be sure you are somewhere that is quiet and that you have a pen and paper ready to take notes. It will help to write some questions down ahead of time so you will not forget to ask.

[JoEvans]

Originally Posted by 2littleguys

OMGosh,
I just got a call yest. from registry I just signed up with ... bmom signed up 9 years ago (I was 21). I have current name, address, phone #. Didn't expect this. Happy, stunned, & scared! During this phone call I couldn't even speak, but lady on phone told me to call bmom that eve (yesterday).
Well, I couldn't do it. I'm sure I'd have no idea what to say, and either not be able to talk or say all the wrong things! But I don't know if she expected me to call and has been waiting by the phone for 24 hours. I don't want to be disrespectful, rude, or to mess things up from the beginning.
Do I just write a letter, or do I work up the courage to call?? Of course, I might have a heart attack before I do either Please help!!

Hi.. Congrads on finding your B-Mother!
I am a B-Mother that reunited with my youngest July 2005. That day was full of emotions for the both of us. Since then, we have had some really heated arguements. (She is only 18 years old.) And I found my son one day before Mother's day 2006. I found out that he had been searching for me since he was in the 8th grade. I also found out that his nickname is a combination of both pre- and post adopted names.
We are planning a reunion this summer. A part of me is scared.. the other part is excited!

In both of my situations, I found it hard to find the right words to say. But yet, I had to say something, for I had waited so long for the moment at hand.

Call her, go out for coffee/breakfast or even lunch/dinner. Or even, do what I found was fun with my daughters and step daughter, and that I am looking forward to do with my son, "A Sundae Sunday". Go to Mcdonald's for a sundae and just talk.
Get to know each other. At first you won't know what to say, but eventually the words will come, believe me. Take it slow.. take it day by day.

Keep us posted on your reunion.. we would all love to hear about it.

God Bless.. ~Judy

[kharma1130]

2littleguys, I really hope that you have called your b-mom by now! She will never take your a-mom's place and couldn't even if she tried to. Good luck to you!

[InBlindFaith]

Call your Bmom!! Write out little note cards so you can remember what you want to say and ask. Take the phone into a room where you won't be disturbed and make sure you have kleenexes handy!!

As for your mom, the woman who raised you, kissed your boo-boo's and scared the monsters away for you when you were little...reassure her that you love her and no one can take her place. Check and see if she will be willing to hold your hand through this.

Great big hugs and good luck!!