[ALS2007]

Hey everyone...

I'm a 26-year old guy and I first met my birth mother this past summer. It's been an astonishing, positive, and amazing journey and we're already close friends with a lot of laughter and open communication. Good stuff...

But, sometimes, and I could just be imagining things, it feels like our interactions "cross a boundary" in some way. Not like flirting, but a similar undertone I recognize from dating. This will sound weird, and please don't judge, but it's literally like the sexual chemistry I used to feel toward girls I knew I was going home with (and it's very confusing in the context of my birth mother, understandably).

I'm trying to take an open-minded approach toward this, as basically the entire reunion process was also confusing. Anyone have any thoughts toward this? Am I imagining things?

Also, I'm a normal and well-liked guy in the rest of life, so this potential GSA confusion isn't the product of some drastically alternative lifestyle or anything, haha.

Thanks everyone for reading...

[irisheyes33]

Yes, it is VERY real...and a difficult obstacle for many people to overcome. It's nothing for you to feel ashamed of, despite the weirdness factor. It would be a good idea to read up on the subject a bit (just try googling "genetic sexual attraction" and you will find a few decent websites on the subject).

I first encountered this subject in Betty Jean Lifton's "Journey of the Adopted Self"...that's also a good resource.

Apparently this phenomenon tends to diminish over time as the reunion progresses and you establish a more grounded relationship.

Hope this helps

[lahdh4]

Yes it is real. I don't have experience with this personally but I do know some women who are now beginning a reunion with their grown child and have felt this.

[EllieJ11]

I too have read about this topic in different books. In thinking about what you said, I thought of a couple of different things...

You noted that it was similar to "the sexual chemistry" you've felt with someone you were going to go home with... would you say it is like the connection you make with someone in that situation, or perhaps how in new relationships you may feel like you just can't get enough of that person or is it more of a physiological response vs. emotional response?

It is very interesting, and lots of people probably experience it to one degree or another considering what an emotionally charged situation reunion is.

[kune]

I agree that GSA is real - but I'd also suggest that in most reunions, the only past behaviour or experience we have to call on when we meet a person that we really want to connect to in a meaningful way is our "dating" experiences. I have heard so many people liken reunion to a dating situation. Being infatuated mentally with the person they are connecting to - and trying so very hard to be what that person wants - trying to be funny, witty, while wanting the touching and family intimacy that was severed at birth.

I wouldn't dwell on it ASL2007 - we all know in our own minds what inappropriate behaviour is - and I doubt you are wanting anything inappropriate - more something akin to a demonstrative show of parent/child love. Like curling up in the other's arms feeling safe and loved and trusting that they are going to be there for you.


Ann

[Yarrow1]

Hm, I've heard that term, but also am curious, what is it really> I have heard it is a normal temporary thing, folks need to ride it out respectfully. My thoughts are that it is energetic memory. Profound energetic remembering, that effects us on all levels, and so of course also physical. YOu once shared the same physical, intimate space, and have missed each other for these passed years:1.) Those absent years provided no reassurance of the other's safety. 2) Energetic and etheric "thirst" for lack of other terms, makes one drink a gallon of water, until you are no longer dehydrated, just normally thirsty, as in a cup of water for today. What do you think of this?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by ALS2007

Hey everyone...

I'm a 26-year old guy and I first met my birth mother this past summer. It's been an astonishing, positive, and amazing journey and we're already close friends with a lot of laughter and open communication. Good stuff...

But, sometimes, and I could just be imagining things, it feels like our interactions "cross a boundary" in some way. Not like flirting, but a similar undertone I recognize from dating. This will sound weird, and please don't judge, but it's literally like the sexual chemistry I used to feel toward girls I knew I was going home with (and it's very confusing in the context of my birth mother, understandably).

I'm trying to take an open-minded approach toward this, as basically the entire reunion process was also confusing. Anyone have any thoughts toward this? Am I imagining things?

Also, I'm a normal and well-liked guy in the rest of life, so this potential GSA confusion isn't the product of some drastically alternative lifestyle or anything, haha.

Thanks everyone for reading...

If you do reading on this it says adults give love sexually when meeting. With birth mothers and birth fathers it is sometimes the younger version of the other parent they see in the adoptee. If there was love between parents some part of their mind sees this as another chance.

It shouldn't happen, but it sometimes does that mother and son, or father and daughter become sexual.

It can destroy a reunion entirely, guilt, shame, fear of someone finding out.

If any one feels this, it is best to find adoption counseling . Or check out adoption books, a few of them give information on this and how to keep it from happening.

good luck, take care of yourself

[noponena]

Hi ALS2007,

This week I'm going through a reunion with my 19 year old adopted son, and noticed this same kind of sensation. It makes perfect sense to me - we're initiating what is likely to become a close, emotionally intimate relationship; we would like (well, I would, anyway, but I think he would too, his adoptive mom tells me he's her hugger) a close physical relationship with lots of hugs and healthy touch; it's new, it's emotional, it's confusing. Sounds like falling in love to me - the kind that usually happens between a mom and an infant. I agree with kune that because I understand what's appropriate and what's not, it won't be a problem for me. I expect to just try and work through it, a lot like what Yarrow1 is describing with thirst.

Not sure if he's feeling this or not, or if it's just me. Hopefully if he is, he won't feel shamed or scared but can talk about it with any of his birth or adopted family to sort it out.

Thanks for the post- noponena

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by noponena

Hi ALS2007,

This week I'm going through a reunion with my 19 year old adopted son, and noticed this same kind of sensation. It makes perfect sense to me - we're initiating what is likely to become a close, emotionally intimate relationship; we would like (well, I would, anyway, but I think he would too, his adoptive mom tells me he's her hugger) a close physical relationship with lots of hugs and healthy touch; it's new, it's emotional, it's confusing. Sounds like falling in love to me - the kind that usually happens between a mom and an infant. I agree with kune that because I understand what's appropriate and what's not, it won't be a problem for me. I expect to just try and work through it, a lot like what Yarrow1 is describing with thirst.

Not sure if he's feeling this or not, or if it's just me. Hopefully if he is, he won't feel shamed or scared but can talk about it with any of his birth or adopted family to sort it out.

Thanks for the post- noponena

I told people it was like what happens to a new mother, only when you are a new mother, things happen day to day.

When you know you are raising a baby you allow all those "switches" to flip to the on postion.

In adoption you aren't allowed, or don't let them turn on.

So in reunion all those mommy switches are flipping on all at once. You mommy instincts want to do all things all new mommies do.

The difference you can't bathe them or change diapers.
You can and with caution, touch, hold, kiss, even caress. As you would with any adult child. Not the intimate touch of lovers. Sit close together.

As mothers we still crave the skin touch of our child. That is OKAY as long as you do it in an appropreate manner.

You can hold hands, touch your childs face, even give them a shoulder massage. I counted my son's toes, and have pictures to prove it. Then I ticked his foot, accidentally at first then on purpose. i have pictures of this too.

Becareful of the staring, it unnearved my son so I tried to do it less. Now, after 11 years, I don't stare anymore.

Any touch you would do with your raised kids, best friend, your own parent, is okay.

good luck

[goldeneagle]

Be careful I feel that my birthfather feels that way towards me I have recieved counciling. He tries to step across my boundries I know it exists as I have been given a lot of info regarding this. I had never heard of it until my adoption worker mentioned it to me. It is a difficult one I do not have these feelings and feel detatched. I feel that the whole process of reunion is difficult. May be if he was george clooney I may have felt different (only joking). I thought at the reunion I would feel something I just felt that he was a stranger I would love to feel something but I can't. XXXXXGOOD LUCK

[noponena]

Thanks ScarletMoon, this makes sense - take it slow, make sure everyone feels comfortable with it. Goldeneagle, I have heard that men need considerable bonding time with their children as infants, especially daughters, in order to "flip a switch" in them biologically and set them up to be less likely to abuse those daughters sexually. I'm glad you're aware that it's a risk situation, please be careful!! And I will be too.

[firstmom47]

Realize that for your birthmom it has a different context--she feels it, but she remembers you from when she carried you and from when you were born, so it has some elements of what you feel, but it's like having her old feelings for you revived, mostly. Also, there's seeing oneself in another, and the person she loved at that time, as well--validation of self seeing the resemblance.
It's complicated, but it's because we experience all at once what normally would happen over a long period of time. Also, we may feel we might not have time together, and it all gets rushed. Make sense?