[tammra]

I found where my son is this past March. I have searched and searced since I gave him up for adoption.

I found out what his name is, where he lives, his phone number ect. This all is very overwhelming and exciting but he is only 15 right now.

I have had so many people giving me their opinions about what I should do and how I should handle things.

I will give you some of what I have been told.

- I should send a certified letter to the parents letting them know that I have the information, I do not nor am I going to interfer but I just want them to have current pictures, medical information and contact information.

- Leave things go until he is 18

When I found out all of the information, I was THRILLED! But then I got a wierd feeling because there is nothing I can do right now.

Today, I decided I wanted to know more. I got online and checked into somethings and found current pictures of him. This has sent me into a topsy turvy day! Looking at him is like looking at my other kids.

I found his sister who is also adopted (on my space) she is 18. She has been in counseling and aparently so is he to deal with the fact they have been adopted. She has her boughts of depression and I cringe because my heart goes out to them both.

Ever since I seen her picture with my son, I have literally loved her like on of my own. Strange! But that is just how I feel.

Then here is the flip side, I currently have 7 children. All of the older ones ask about him. They have pretty much been raised knowing they have a brother that has been placed for adoption.

Of course I get the 50 questions from them all, where is he, what is his full name, what does he like to do, what does he look like, why can't we talk to him, visit him, be his friend

The one thing that has stuck with me is when one of my children said, mom you are a great mom to us, why could't you be a great mom to him.

Anyhow, my kids all go to school and at times they have to write papers ect. I read them all once they are graded and sent home. Anyhow, usually at least a few times a years one of them just say they want to meet their brother. Just 3 weeks ago, my son had a paper and one of the questions were: If you had one wish, what would it be? He responded with, to meet my big brother. It breaks my heart!

Not only does the son I placed for adoption have my 7 kids (his brothers and sisters but he also has his biological fathers, and he has 6 children. So he has 13 brothers and sisters in all!

I am so sorry that I have went on and on! I need advise, what should I do? Thanks to anyone that can help!

[InBlindFaith]

I try to keep myself busy while I wait. Right now I'm putting together a scrapbook to hand to my birthdaughter the day we meet. I have also created a MySpace page under the name I was using at the time of her birth. I blog about things going on in my life right now and I try to keep the light and funny. I have a group of girlfriends that are helping me to wait. If I feel a desire to call my daughter I call one of them instead!!

Stay busy, that's the best thing I can suggest. I am nosey though, I try to find information about her without letting her and her family know.

We are here for you when you feel like you can not remain patient. You also have the Adoptees here who are willing to give you their thoughts!!

Big Hugs!!

[Eriksmom]

I just read your post. I am new to this site and have a story to share. I gave my son up 21 years ago due to my parents forcing me to sign the papers and surrender my beautiful son.

I met him last week and he is just a wonderful person. I love him more than I could have imagined. The feelings are so overwhelming! Does anyone know of any documentation on the feelings and stages of a reunion?

K

[geogdeb]

Tammra - I probably would wait awhile before you contact his family. You are so lucky that you have the information and can follow his life somewhat on myspace. I wish I had had that much when my son was growing up. He is at such a critical age -- 15! Maybe when he is 17 or so a letter to his aparents would be a good idea, but 15 is still so young especially for a boy. Unfortunately, the advice I am giving you is in no way professional. Maybe contact with the aparents would be good, but there is no way to know. And if it is bad.... you could lose even the opportunity to follow his life on myspace.

K- there are all kinds of books written about search and reunion and there are many good sites on the internet. This article is pretty good. The Recovery Process, Post-reunion -

Try your local library also. Good luck. I understand how you feel. I found my son in March and am meeting him for the first time in less than 2 weeks. I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

Deb

[alias68901]

MAybe you could contact his parents and ask them how they want you to approch now or when he is 18

[longingtomeetyou]

im glad you shared this here......
i was hoping to run into another birthmom in the same situation as me.....
i think i have!

my daughter is 16 and a search angel emailed me her name last year.....
so this year i decided i wanted to find out where she lives and see how shes doing......without adoptive family knowing .....


well i talked to the pastor of the church they are attending ......asking for a picture of my daughter......i was just happy to be talking to someone who knew her then the pastor went on to say he would contact the adoptive parents .....i said ok sure!......not thinking what might happen after that .....

so anyways......
one day i get a call from adoptive mom !!! ya thats right that was my expression ....
but i was happy to hear her talk about my daughter etc.......THEN....
she said she WOULD send a picture AND another picture NEXT mothers day .....AND another phone call next mothers day .....!!! talk about a shocker!!!!
i was soooooooooooooooo elated........
but
for only a few days......
i went to that mailbox everyday after that waiting for that picture.......crying tears of joy........thanking God that He was healing me FINALLY after all these years........

well.....
approx 3 weeks later.....
the adoptive parents changed their minds !!!!!!!!!!

talk about the biggest blow in a longggggggggggggg while......
i thought it was my time to heal from all the years of pain from my adoption.....GUESS NOTT!

so
here i am with nothing but im glad to run into you and maybe we can share together .........

look forward to seeing what progresses for both of us.....

[EllieJ11]

Longingtomeetyou~
If I have learned anything on this site I have learned that your experience is very, very common. Several people, including myself have had the same response from adoptive parents. Their intitial response is positive and supportive of making contact, sharing information etc. and then we don't hear back from them.

In my case the adoptive parents were also contacted by a pastor as my son is only 17. They seemed supportive of the idea of a reunion when he contacted them but since then I have emailed them twice (as the Pastor suggested), and I have heard nothing back. It has now been over two months since my first email to them and I have heard nothing.

It was really frustrating and painful the first few weeks because like you I was waiting anxiously for their response. Now, I've come to accept that they are not ready. Although I'm frustrated as are my friends and family I have to remember that it takes everyone different amounts of time to be ready. Although I don't like the fact that they won't even acknowlege my emails/letter I have found a little bit of comfort hearing that other moms on this site are experiencing the same thing and I'm trying to accept that their lack of response isn't a personal slam on me but a normal reaction for adoptive parents.

Hopefully we can continue to be supportive of one another while we wait and when we finally do hear from the adoptive families we can listen to one another and answer questions as they arise. Hopefully we won't have to wait much longer.

[browneyes0707]

Tammra:

I think, from my opinion and experiences so far, that there is nothing wrong with sending the a-parents a simple letter, explaining where you are for when he's ready for contact. I would ask and see if they are willing to send pics and exchange medical info, I don't think you have anything to lose, you don't know if you don't try. I do think in all likelihood that 15 may be a little young, my DD is 14 and she is not ready to speak with her b-dad yet (oh, and from experience, not a good idea to contact him directly on myspace, b-dad did that, and it did not go over too well with my DD!) but I have e-mailed her a-mom, and we both agree that right now she may be too young to handle a reunion right now. But we will continue to stay in touch, and I'm glad that I have that opportunity to do so. At the worst case, you know that you tried, and to try again when he is 18.

Good luck!! Keep posting!

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by EllieJ11

Longingtomeetyou~
If I have learned anything on this site I have learned that your experience is very, very common. Several people, including myself have had the same response from adoptive parents. Their intitial response is positive and supportive of making contact, sharing information etc. and then we don't hear back from them.

In my case the adoptive parents were also contacted by a pastor as my son is only 17. They seemed supportive of the idea of a reunion when he contacted them but since then I have emailed them twice (as the Pastor suggested), and I have heard nothing back. It has now been over two months since my first email to them and I have heard nothing.

It was really frustrating and painful the first few weeks because like you I was waiting anxiously for their response. Now, I've come to accept that they are not ready. Although I'm frustrated as are my friends and family I have to remember that it takes everyone different amounts of time to be ready. Although I don't like the fact that they won't even acknowlege my emails/letter I have found a little bit of comfort hearing that other moms on this site are experiencing the same thing and I'm trying to accept that their lack of response isn't a personal slam on me but a normal reaction for adoptive parents.

Hopefully we can continue to be supportive of one another while we wait and when we finally do hear from the adoptive families we can listen to one another and answer questions as they arise. Hopefully we won't have to wait much longer.

yes support is a very good thing .....im really glad this site is here for that reason .......
tks for sharing and yes i believe our dreams will come true just like the adoptive parents dreams came true when we gave them our babies......