[longingtomeetyou]

well heres a tid bit of my story.......

i am a birthmom ......
my daughter will be 16 this summer.....


a search angel found her for me.......
i knew the couples name from the home i was staying at when i was pregnant with my daughter......

so one day i decided i would see where she is......
i found the adoptive parents location......
i put two and two together and thought since the couple was a christian that daughter would be attending a christian school.......bingo! i was right on the money first phone call i made......

so i talked to the pastor and the call was quite emotional for me.......
all i asked for was a picture of my daughter......thats it.....
the pastor said he would talk to the adoptive parents .......

so about 2 weeks later the adoptive mom phoned me .....wow ....big shock.....!!
i thought the phone call went well.....


so heres the thing......

the adoptive mom promised to send a picture of our daughter........then she also said she would send another picture next mothers day with ANOTHER phone call.....WOW!!! SHOCKER !! i never expected that !!


well about 3 weeks went by and no picture in the mail.......so i thought i would phone them to see what happened.......

well there was no answer.......
but the adoptive mom phoned back that nite saying for me to please not call there ever........and that she would still send the picture......ok i thought


so waited another 2 weeks still nothing........now im thinking ......hmmm.....the adoptive parents never meant to send that picture....

so once again i phoned the pastor asking if he knew why the picture wasnt in the mail yet.........he said they changed their minds....and that their counselor?? told them to not send the picture.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




so this is where i am at.....
hurt..........
angry.......
sad................
feeling betrayed................


with no picture as promised.......


just wanting feedback and prayers as to how i should pursue this ...........

[Tudu]

I am so sorry they changed their minds. It sounded like she wanted to do it but maybe was convinced it wasn't a good idea by the therapist. I do everything in my power to follow through with what I say to DD's mother. Perhaps the therapist was concerned b/c you called the school and having a picture would mean you could go to the school, pick her out in a crowd, etc. I am sure they are giving into that myth. It doesn't make you feel better though.

[longingtomeetyou]

actually i phoned the church ......mind you the school is attached to the church but still i never phoned the school persay......

the adoptive mom actually commended me for phoning the pastor first and not the adoptive parents home.......

so it doesnt add up.....

[mom2GRLC]

A relationship is built on trust. They may have been so excited to hear from you but that may not mean they are ready for you to enter their lives. They may see your persistance as a threat. Whose to say they weren't going to send that picture....once they let it all sink in a little. But now you may have scared them away especially by trying to call their home. What would have happened if their daughter had answered?

While the child is young all contact should go through them. What you might do is call the pastor back up and tell him that you understand they may not feel ready for contact right this minute but you hope he might be able to pass a long a letter from you. Then I'd sit down and write a letter to the adoptive parents and your bchild and also send a recent picture of yourself and possibly family members. In the letter give them your contact information and ask them to contact you as soon as they can. Let them know your not a threat and willing to wait until she is 18 if that is what they feel is best.

[Mommy24]

Longing, I am a birthmom of a son the same age as your child. I know the pain you feel from being mislead or lied to , I had a semi open adoption for 7 yrs only for 9 yrs ago the aparents to close it with no explanation given, not even a warning. I am angry, sad, betrayed, hurt, confused, sad......somedays I have all those emotions and other days I am ok.
With that said, your bchild is a minor and unfortunately there is nothing you can do except repect the fact that you must wait until she is 18 and then be prepared that she will still be to young for a reunion. Patience as a birthmom is the hardest thing we must learn. I will pray for you that you can find some peace for now, and good luck to you in the future.
If you need someone to vent to please feel free to PM me anytime

[longingtomeetyou]

even the pastor said it was sad that they backed down from sending the picture......

there is something said for people who keep their word......

[eagle's nest]

I feel very sorry for your situiation and will keep praying. But those counselors and caseworkes and lawyers etc. Just tell you things to make you feel better at the time. Maybe i shouldn't say this but on the other hand if i do perhaps it will help to get a handle...... If this is your child for sure you have to understand that privacy is a very big concern for adopt. parents and it will take a very long time to see and meet your child. Just because she turned 18 means nothing. She may be well into adult hood before anything comes of it. So you can still long for the day but just be aware that it may still be awhile before anything happens. Keep praying for God to give the strength to wait and endure. God Bless.

[schivory]

She is still a minor. Speaking as an adoptee I would be very upset to have found out all this was going on behind closed doors. I would be very angry to even know that my picture was (or even thought) of being sent without my permission. I'm assuming this wasn't an open adoption.

I'm a person that was found without wanting to be. My life has been turned upside down....with no regard for my feelings. Becareful. Keep a good relationship with the parents and understand their side. They will be a key role in your relationship with your birthdaughter in the future. Even when she is 18 I would work with her pastor and parents to approach her. You need these people to make it as smooth as possible for HER sake. I would not push this matter too much so that your future would be bright together. You don't want her adoptive parents having negative thoughts from the start.

Schivory

[crayons]

Longingto meet you, I felt so bad for you after reading this, a photo is not a big deal to some people but to the mom of the child she can't be with,it means the world. WHY is it too much to ask for a Priceless photo. I know how it feels to not have this precious piece of paper, I have never had a photo of my daughter and it hurts. This is not too much to ask, they have your child, at least they should be Christian enough to give a child's mother, a photo of her child, I believe I will look up the word christian and see if it means to withhold and cause pain. This really made me cry! I sure hope this couple digs down deep and think about how they would feel if, a part of them (a child) was out of their life, how would they fell if they couldn't even go to sleep at night with a photo of the face of their child. Maybe write them a letter and give it to the church to give them? I hope this gets better, hang in there!

[mom2GRLC]

I dissagree...this mother isn't any less christian just because she was counceled not to send the photo. Her first priority is her child and if there is a problem with sending the photo at this time than regardless of what she told the birthmom (good intentions) her child and family must come first.

A picture is a HUGE thing for a family that would like to remain in a closed adoption....especially when birthmom knows where they live, where they attend church, where she goes to school. A picture gives them just a little security in knowing that it won't be easy to point out their child on the street or at the local teen hang outs etc.

I'm sorry for your pain and I do hope you have the chance of meeting your child someday or at least getting her picture. These things take time, just be patient. Good things come to those who wait...Right!!!
Be respectful and write your birthdaughter personally(since you have no desire to have contact or get to know her family....kinda sucky in my opinion) and ask the pastor to give it to her family for their child to read when she is ready or when she turns 18.

I know this must be painful to you. But you did have a closed adoption and you can't expect them to have any obligation to open that up before they feel their child/family is ready to. I know 2 years feels like an eternity but it really will fly by so quickly.

You certinaly have a right to be hurt and have all the feelings you have. Please allow your childs adoptive family their right to feel whatever feelings they feel and try not to take this experience and ruin your future rrelationship with them. Please don't speak badly of them and think of them as these awful people just becasue they ahd to make a choice for their child/family that they felt and were told was best. I'm sure they are wondeful people, great parents and your child will need you to have positive feelings towards them when you do have contact with her.

I wish you peace and comfort in your wait and a forgiving heart towards those special people who have raised your beautiful daughter and been there for her all her life.Someday I hope you see their kindness as well and please know that the fears they have ....aren't necessarily because of you or your actions....just normal fears that adoptive parents have when it comes to the childs birthmother.

[crayons]

[quote](since you have no desire to have contact or get to know her family....kinda sucky in my opinion)


I didn't get this feeling from her post.

If the amom could call her and tell her she could have a photo, couldn't she have called again and tell her she changed her mind instead of making her wait, thinking she was going to get a photo of her child and if the first mom didn't call after waiting, she would still be waiting for that photo, pretty cruel, to leave her thinking she was going to go check the mail and finally have a picture of her child.

[schivory]

Why must the Christian card be played "crayons"? They are parents looking out for their daughter and themselves. A picture is a lot! She is still a minor that should not even be found yet! It's not her decision because she is a minor. Nothing should be going on if the adoptive parents aren't in agreement. No matter what. It's all about the daughter. This is not the way to start a relationship with the adoptive parents or the daughter. Think about the future and for her sake not yours. Your decision was already made 16 years ago. It will be hers in two years. What do you want her decision to be? Think about it. Your actions now will effect that!

[mom2GRLC]

In a previous post she made clear that she wants Nothing to do with her birthdaughters adoptive parents. Her relationship/connection is not to them but to her child she doesn't want to form a relationship with them at all. (big problem there since the child is still a minor...the adoptive parents would be the first one to build a relationship with...in my opinion).

Also....most of her conversations have been with the Pastor. Who in my opinion has shared too much private information that was not his to share in the first place. So it would only make sense that she would contact him again. Adoptive parents only called her back the second time(from what i have gathered) because she called their home directly after she was told they were not going to tell their child about her yet (what if their daughter had answered the phone? ). They were probably pretty upset with everything and how she kinda jumped into their lives , knew so much about them, and was told by a therapist it was not best for them to send a photo or be in contact at this time. I'm sure they knew that she would call back the pastor and allowed him to share the news of why they were not going to send the photo.

While i am sorry for the pain she feels and the hurt....and rightely so...I also see where the adoptive parents deserve more respect.

I do not understand the urgency of wanting a picture RIGHT NOW....when in 2 more years she can have exactly what she wants(contact the child directly without the adoptive parents involvement, then her bchild can decide wether to let her have a picture, or to see her or whatever.)

[ajjhmf]

Here's my take as an adoptive mom in a closed adoption.

If my son's birthmom searched and found my son and asked for a picture and update via a third party, I would be more than happy to do so. I would even set up a PO Box so we could continue to exchange letters and pictures.

However, if my son's birth mom found us, his school and our church and then contacted our pastor, I would be less that willing to make a sudden move towards openness. Thats a lot of detailed information that the birthmom now has, while the adoptive family knows little. In my opinion, opening a closed adoption needs to start with the relationship between the parents, birth and adoptive. I think that while the OPs intentions were great, the adoptive parents may be a little scared by the suddenness and that so much is known about them and so little about the OP.

I think the best step for the OP would be to take a step back and figure out how to develop a relationship with the adoptive parents. By getting to know them, you will get to know your birthdaugter and in time get the information and closeness you seek.

I would start with writing a letter to THEM not your daughter, about yourself and what type of relationship you wish to have at this time.

Blessings,
Jenny

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by crayons

Longingto meet you, I felt so bad for you after reading this, a photo is not a big deal to some people but to the mom of the child she can't be with,it means the world. WHY is it too much to ask for a Priceless photo. I know how it feels to not have this precious piece of paper, I have never had a photo of my daughter and it hurts. This is not too much to ask, they have your child, at least they should be Christian enough to give a child's mother, a photo of her child, I believe I will look up the word christian and see if it means to withhold and cause pain. This really made me cry! I sure hope this couple digs down deep and think about how they would feel if, a part of them (a child) was out of their life, how would they fell if they couldn't even go to sleep at night with a photo of the face of their child. Maybe write them a letter and give it to the church to give them? I hope this gets better, hang in there!

tks so much .....im glad to see im not alone in my feelings.....tks for responding ......its nice to have someone on your side .....

i do plan on trying to talk to the adoptive parents again .......asking THEM and not a third party to explain whats going on ......i think i do deserve that much.....