[kccdcborn]

Hi,

I have found my birthmother and some info. about her paternal side of the family. I did so much research (I have become quite the detective) and finally know 100% that I have found her. I labored over my letter to her and sent it with some pictures of me. I now wait and wait. I jump everytime the phone rings, check my email a million times a day and run to the mailbox everyday (I gave my bmom various ways to contact me). I am so nervous she will not make contact! What if she does not make contact? Any others have this happen or anyone with suggestions??

Kathy

[mrosey]

Hi Kathy and welcome to the forum! Yes, I was in your exact same shoes 8 months ago. A lot of us have been...you will get a lot of support on these threads. Congratulations in sucessfully searching and finding her. The letter in the mail is a very highly charged emotional time I hope you hear from her soon. I know it will be on your mind 24/7 and you will jump everytime the phone rings and check the e-mails, reg. mail, cell every 10 minutes or so. Don't start to question your sanity....we all did it! Did you send the letter in a way you can track it? I wish you luck and "calmness" while you wait. You can join the "waiting room" in the Making Contact Thread...you will be in good company....some of the threadies also just sent their letter out also! It's a great support place... Good luck to you and keep us posted!


Michele

[kccdcborn]

Well, I received a letter from my birthmother today. It is really strange, but I don't know how I feel. She seems very upset at my contacting her; says she can't sleep much or keep food down. Not upset at me really but more upset because it has brought her back to feeling "frightened and alone". I did not intend to scare her. She thinks the agency gave me this information, which they did not. She seems overwhelmed that I know information about her. My intent was not to scare or overwhelm her.

I feel now that I have done the wrong thing by contacting her. Please tell me what you think! I would especially like to hear from other birthmothers. I was born in the early 60's and I know that was a difficult time to find yourself pregnant and unmarried.

[sunnyfromNY]

Hi Kathy - I'm sorry your mother's letter left you feeling that you had done the wrong thing by contacting her. You did the right thing by sending a letter so that she had some time to come to terms with the fact that she had been located.

Unfortunately, and I know this from personal experience, the 'old days' were a time when babies without fathers were illegitimate (as if), when unmarried pregnant women or girls were sluts. I don't want to soften the words that were spoken way back then... it was truly a frightening time if there was no support from the family... and sometimes, even with their support.

It sounds like your mother took the words, they told all of us back then, seriously and thought she would never see her child again. We were told to 'forget we had ever had a child'. I honestly thought for years that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't forget my son. I imagine there were many people who had to forget because the pain was too great; thinking about something that you had no way of changing, wondering if your child was being cared for or if he/she was even still alive, was hell! It was torture to wonder if they needed you, yet there was no way to do anything about those feelings except stuff them down and forget them.

Did she ask you any questions other than how you found her? It sounds like she has told no one about that part of her life... maybe not even her husband and kids. Did you ask for medical information or pictures and did you get any of that? Can you write to her and reassure her that you don't intend to disrupt her life?

Sorry that happened to you. I hope you can stay in touch with her and get some helpful information... maybe it'll sink in gradually and she'll be OK about reunion eventually. After all, it's a good thing!

[kccdcborn]

Thank you sunnyfromNY for your words as a birthmother. I did not sleep much and feel so sad and down today! I know that it must have been such a difficult time for my birthmother and I did not mean to hurt her or to cause those feelings to come back to her. All I want is to know a bit about where I came from!!

I had requested medical information and she gave me quite a bit. I did not tell her HOW I found her but she assumes the agency has betrayed her and given me information...which is not true. I do plan on writing her back but not sure exactly what to write.

Each time I reread the letter, I see how betrayed she feels and how angry and scared she is.

Honestly, I don't know what to do, or what to say. I am so sad!!

[eastendmommy]

Hi Kathy,

I have just found this thread and read the responses... Sunny wrapped it up very accurately for you... some of the things we Bmothers went through back then, some of things we were told or called...

It sounds as if your Bmother never dealt with the loss of you...she probably 'stuffed' it way down, like Sunny said. Receiving your letter made it come crashing back to the surface...in her face, so to speak. Also sounds as if you may still be a secret, and she might be terrified of her whole world crashing and burning by your reappearance. She needs to be reassured that you in no way want to disrupt her life, that you just want knowledge of her and your heritage, medical information, etc. But let her know that if/when she can go further with the contact, that you are available for that.

Without knowing what you wrote initially, and what her response was back to you, it's a little hard to know how to help guide you through future correspondence. Did she completely shut the door? Did she tell you never to contact her again?

Not to scare you off, but your Bmother could very well be in a very dark place right now. If she 'stuffed' this information for years, it's come coursing back into her veins really unexpectedly, really quickly. She has to deal with that now...it's not your baggage to have to deal with, it's entirely hers. Don't take on her load, okay? Whatever happened all those years ago is NOT your doing, NOT your fault, NOT your responsibility to 'fix'. And you can't make her begin to deal with these issues, only she can do that.

If she told you to never contact her again, I think that I would wait a short while and try and construct one last letter to her (my logic would be "What have I got to lose?")... If she asked you to give her some more time to pull herself together, then I would do so... So, not knowing what she said to you in her letter, it's hard for me to be able to know how to advise you on where to go from here.

Good luck, hon...please keep us posted on what's going on.

Hugs, Tammi

[joycie]

Hi Kathy,

I'm another bmother whose bson was born in 1964. Although I searched for him (and it took 2.5 years for initial contact) once the contact was actually made by a Social Worker, only then did I even DARE to think about him in a real sense. He was "buried" that deeply in my psyche. It did bring back the time when I had been pregnant and the week when I knew him in hopsital. It was my only point of reference where he was concerned. I even dreamed of him as a baby again which I had no recollection of doing in recent years...so yes, I can well understand how your bmom would be instantly transported back to that time. Without any advance preparation too, I might add. In your case you have been doing the detective work, the planning, the organizing of your letter, etc. so no shock on your end. Since her initial reaction is fright, I tend to agree with Sunny and Tammi that she has kept her secret very secure to date.

I believe that in time, once she gets more used to the idea that you are interested in making contact with her, but that you will not interfere in any way with the network of relationships she has built unless invited by her to do so, she should feel more calm and open. She might even make the necessary accommodations to tell other members in her immediate family if she has not done so already. Often, though, there can be a relationship established between bmother and child that is not exposed to others. In my own case, I have been enjoying a positive reunion with my son for 5 years now and his aparents are still not aware. I guess he feels that they would be too hurt to know. Doesn't make me feel great but I can live with it. My reunion is with him.

Before you send your reply to her, why not put it here on your thread and we'll see if it all seems like something that will ease her biggest concerns. There is another adoptee on the thread that Tammi mentioned who submitted her letter to us on the thread and we gave her some advice on what to omit, what to place emphasis on. Since she, too, is still waiting for a reply maybe our advice isn't so hot!! We try!

You must not feel in any way unsuitable or a disappointment. It really is NOT personal....but it sure feels like it I know. That's what people told me when my son rejected me the first time around. He wasn't ready...just like your bmom isn't "ready" but I'm willing to bet that like he did, she'll come around and will embrace reunion once she deals with some of the issues. You can help in that way by allowing her some time and space to adjust emotionally and yet reminding her that you are a patient girl who waits without applying pressure. I wish you success, Kathy. It may take time and none of us like to hear that but it's the nature of the process. You've got a whole forum of supporters. So make use of the resource! We're here. Audrey

[karck70]

If you need another adoptee to talk to please email me. I too contacted my birthmom last july, to have it turned on me that I did something wrong. I can understand your hurt and pain. My last contact with her was last August. I am going to write her a letter and give it one last try, as soon as I get up the nerve to do so.

Kim

Karck70@aol.com