[karck70]

Hi,

I contacted my birthmom last July 2005. I spoke with her on the phone and emailed her a couple of times, but then she kind of went sour. It was a bit wierd. I have not heard from her since. I used a search angel and I do have her address. I am at a loss of what to do. Do I send her a letter? She said she felt like her privacy was violated. I am so hurt, it took a huge amount of courage to make the step to find her. Any ideas?

[mrosey]

Karck70

I can understand how you are feeling and I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. The good news is that you have already made contact and you have her address! I can't say for sure, but from being a part of the forum and from all the different experiences of the wonderful members here, my guess is that your birthmom is still in shock and is absorbing your reaching out to her. Did she actually tell you that she didn't want to pursue a relationship or was it more of a positive but shocked conversation? I do believe in my heart that you should write her a letter. Maybe explain to her that you never intended to cause her disruption and that you understand what a shock it must be for her. Tell her about yourself and include a picture or two of yourself. Maybe one of you younger and a current. Let her know that you are so happy that you got a chance to talk to her and that when she is ready, you would love to pursue a relationship at a slow pace, when she feels ready. I know it's hard, but if she already knows that you want contact, and it's been 6 months, the letter may be just the thing to remind her that you are still thinking of her. She'll be able to read the letter at her own pace and can truly think about her options without being put on the spot via a phone call. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do and I wish you much happiness and strength! Keep us posted and remember we are are for support! I think you are half way there and I pray she responds favorably....I think she will!

mrosey

[Janet Heath]

Karck70, have you made a move yet? Perhaps you should send a heartfelt letter as if this is the only chance that you have. The reason why I say that is because I have recently began working on my letter as attempts at discrete letters and attempts to reach my bmom by phone have all been unanswered. You on the other hand, have talked on the phone as well as emails and since you have her mailing address, a letter in the mail may be what she needs. I agree with mrosey 100%.


Janet

[aura]

I also have to agree, I would send a letter too. Please let us know what you have decided to do and how things turn out!

[mamabee]

Karck70---I hope you send your bMom a card or letter. You know there are so many mixed feelings with reunions. It is possible that someone close to her has told her you may have bad intentions or will just pop in and then disappear. Also, I was scared too death when my daugther and I first reunited because I knew I had to face the past and think about the bFather again after he had been long buried into my mind. It's possible she may feel threatened by these emotions as well. Let her know you want to go slow and build a strong relationship together...and from there you both can decide what happens next. But I wouldn't give up just yet....Keep us posted...we are here for you regardless of what happens.

[karck70]

mamabee, Would you think there are any legal issues I should be made aware of? I mean you are a birthmom. Did your child find you or did you find your child? One of her comments when I spoke with her was that she felt that her trust was betrayed, that perhaps something illegal happened?? I used a search angel. She did at first say she thought about finding me, but was told at the time to never make contact. She is married and has three children of her own. I don't want to impose on her life. I would just like an opportunity to meet her. To maybe fill an empty hole of wondering. I speak to my friends on this subject, and they attempt to understand my feelings. But I do feel that no one can truly understand these empty unknown feelings unless you have been through it.

I need some help with the feelings involved before I send her a letter.

Karck

[eastendmommy]

Dear Karck, I can think of no legal issues that would prevent you from locating your birthmother. Just because we were threatened with legal action years ago if we looked for our children, it was just that...a threat.

When I finally found my son this past February, one of the first things out of his Amom's mouth was, "How did you find him? It was supposed to have been a closed adoption". I had to assure her that it was still closed, but that in this day and age of technology, people CAN be found...

Write her a long letter. Write it as if it will be the only contact you'll ever have, the only chance you'll have to say to her the things you want to say. Then, if there's no response, at least you will have done what you need to do. If there's a chance of your words opening up the door for her, then GREAT!!!

Let her know that you're aware that others in her life might not be aware of your existance, that you don't want to disrupt her life or cause her any pain. That if there's even the slightest opportunity for the two of you to have any sort of relationship, that you'll be there in whatever capacity she can let you in.

I hope she's had enough time to think about this. Maybe she's had a change of heart in the past 6 months. Good luck, hugs, Tammi