[geogdeb]

Wow, it's funny... I love this website and so appreciate all the people that have help me on a difficult journey. I usually love to post on the site, sometimes on several different threads. And after one of the most important days in my life it would seem the first thing I would want to do is post here and share it with my friends. But I am overwhelmed with emotions and this post is the most difficult one I have made. Yesterday I was contacted by my confidential intermediary and told that he had found my son. Many questions were answered with that phone call. He is alive and well. He has had a happy life and loves his aparents very much. What a relief!!!

However, he wasn't ready for contact. I am encouraged though because he asked for my identifying information from the CI. So he has my name and address and email address and phone number!!!! I think eventually he will make contact, but the wait is already killing me and it hasn't even been 24 hours! I know that this is normal. The request for contact took him by surprise. But I don't know how to control these feelings. It's like being on pins and needles all the time. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for everything!!!!

Debbie

[b4truth]

I can't say anything from experience but there is a thread here that talked about how males handle the contact situation much differently than females. If you can find it there is a post about a brother who told is half-sister who had found him, not to contact him anymore. There was lots of really good advice. Basically that guys feel less inclined to disrupt their lives after a certain age...etc. etc. Bottom line, I wouldn't take it personally. He probably just needs time.

Good luck to you.

[MySweetLucy]

I had a hard time writing too after my CI finally reached my bmom. I felt like I wanted to share everything, but it was kind of nice to keep it to myself. My emotions were all over the place!

Waiting is so hard. I'm waiting on my bmom to sign over her identifying info to my CI. She was also surprised at my request for contact. I think the first 24 hours are the worst. I kept praying the phone would ring, even though I know it's not possible at this point.

Hang in there! I'm so excited for you that he has all of your info! Take each day as it comes (I have to remind myself of that too!).

I'm thinking of you!

L

[mrosey]

Unfortunately the feeling of pins and needles is one of the downsides to searching. I'm so happy to hear that he wanted your id! that is a big positive. Once he gets it and absorbs it he may change his mind. Try to put yourself in his shoes. When I wrote a letter to my birthmom, I really tried to put myself in her shoes. When I did, I calmed down a lot. It can really help relieve your anxiety. I wish you strength as you "wait". You have to be really strong and try to rationalize everything. It is so hard! Keep posting...so many people here have been through what you are experiencing right now. So far, things look positive..hang on to that and try to keep busy! We are here for you.

xo
mrosey

[lindamccrea]

Debbie, I have been following your situation for some time since I am a birthmother in the LDSFS quagmire (sp) as well. I am so glad for you that you have gotten to the point where you have been able to have contact with your son, even if it is thru a CI.
I wish you all the best!! Please try to relax and just enjoy knowing he is ok and has had a good life. I hope that he is just in shock and contacts you quickly as I know the waiting is very difficult. Linda Mc

[aura]

Debbie,

How wonderful that you have found your son and know that he is loved, has a good life and is happy and okay, that has to be a huge relief for you. I know the waiting is hard and it can be the worst part of the rollercoaster ride you are on. You have been given some wonderful advice here and all I can add is just that you are not alone as you wait, we are all here with you. Use this time to learn as much as you can about reunion and what he is feeling at this time. I'm sure that fear and excitement are a big part of it, I know when my letter reached my birthmom it took her weeks to call me, she told me she had always waited for this moment but fear kept her from calling. Also, try your best not to take it personal if it takes him time to reach out, I started to take it personal when she didn't call and I finally realized that this wasn't about me, it was about her and her fears and her need to work through her emotions before she could contact me. Once I realized that it made the wait a little easier, as well as all the wonderful people here. We are here waiting with you!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers and so is your son.

[geogdeb]

I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words. I think that I can wait a few weeks -- it's the months and years that scare me. I have very little patience anyway. I am so relieved to know my son is ok, but it is killing me that I still don't know his name.

To make matters worse, I just can't leave well enough alone. I know from the information provided by the CI that he works in his family's hardware store and that it has been in the family for 106 years. So I went on the Internet today, and I think I found the store -- in New England --one of the few clues I had before the CI contacted him. The picture I found looks incredibly like his birth father. I don't know for sure if it is him, but if not, then it sure is a coincidence (not just his looks, but the make-up of the family is just as he described it to the CI). Of course, I will do nothing with this information -- at least not for a long time. I want him to want to contact me. I don't want to force him. But boy is it hard!! I never knew it would be so hard. So once again, thanks for your responses and for posting in other places on this site. What a help it is. I hope that my experiences are also helpful to someone on their perilous reunion journey!

Bless you all!

Debbie

[adoptionsearchblog2]

I never knew it would be so hard.

Debbie, I think many of us had no idea how emotional reunion might be. As to advice about waiting - I would suggest that you use this time while he is processing - and considering contact - to read, educate yourself and do as much healing as possible. Meet other triad members if possible.

If possible find an support group - on-line or in person. The support you find from others who have walked in your shoes can be such a blessing. Patience - ah, yes, I wasn't a terribly patient sort - until reunion. I did learn patience in reunion. I wanted it all right away - and I really had to force myself to slow down and be patient.

Think it is wise to not try to go too much further for now if you know that he is not yet ready. Timing is so crucial in reunion.

[geogdeb]

I contacted my son's birthfather tonight and let him know what I had found. We have only talked a few times since we broke up -- about 26 years ago. He is a nice man, but so different from me. He was really relieved to hear that my son has had a happy life (at least that's what the CI said). I hope I eased his mind instead of throwing him into the turmoil that I'm in.

Today I am handling things better. Last night my husband and I had a heart to heart and I cried finally. I think it really helped. I had been holding so much in. Thanks again for all your support and help. Without all of you, it would be so much harder.

Debbie

[paigeturner]

Deb,

First, I'm thrilled that at least you have some answers. He's alive, he's happy. Hopefully someday soon he'll have curiousity of his own to satisfy. As you know I've followed your story closely over time. I wish you the best. Please continue to post and keep us updated...(((hugs)))

[adoptionsearchblog2]

If your son's birth dad is anything like mine, I suspect it will both ease his mind and cause some turmoil too. But, it may eventually help him heal his loss too.

For my son's birth dad, initially he was relieved, but, as time wore on, it began to sink it. He was not prepared for the sense of loss he felt when he saw a first picture - our son looks a great deal like both of us.

Glad that you're better today. Crying is something that I had always considered a weakness - till reunion. Now, I realize how appropriate and healthy it is at times. My whole first year of reunion I cried every day - but, I too had held a great deal in, and needed to grieve.

[kune]

georgdeb
Your search is over... ...and even though the result is not quite what you expected, his asking for your address & phone No is positive. Like the others who have replied to your post I think some time, when he feels comfortable, he will contact you.
How do you keep your emotions in check? Not easily. I can only imagine how hard that would be. But I suggest you read - anything, everything, books, articles - find out why adoptees feel they are letting their adoptive family down, how they feel torn and don't want to upset the only family they have ever known. How to truly understand these children we relinquished - how birthmother's need to sort through any "garbage" we carry from the time of their birth so we can enter into a possible reunion with an open mind and loving heart. And...how it is hard for the one searching to recognise that they have been the one in control of their search and all of a sudden the control has left their hands and now rests with the found person. This must take some getting used to!!!

I understand your emotions going hay-wire. Search completed but noone to attach to?? Waiting for contact but no idea if or when it will occur?? Turn to the people who supported you before the search - your partner - other children - family. Try to find joy in everyday things and those you love and time will pass. S

Keeping my fingers crossed for you - and your son.

ps. I do believe son's are different - I reunited with my 30+yr old son 4 years ago. It's great - fantastic - but there is always a little held back - always those times where contact ceases for a month or so. They need more time to consider how they will connect. Not working on emotions - rather on intellectual reasoning. Hmmmm.....or something else that I haven't identified yet I do know that my son needs his space and needs to be in control.

Regards Ann

[geogdeb]

Thanks again for all the kind words and advice that all of you have given me. Yesterday we started painting our living room and tearing the carpet out (fun holiday huh?). It kept my mind off my son for awhile. But today I went back to work. I have a lot of alone time at work -- and unfortunately, unless I have something really difficult to do, my mind wanders. I wonder what he is thinking and if he is thinking about me or if he has just put it out of his mind. My CI offered to continue to act as an intermediary between the two of us, but I hesitate to send another letter so soon. I would rather he decide he wants to meet me instead of maybe feeling sorry for me or feeling like I am forcing the issue.

On the other hand, the wait is killing me and it hasn't even been a week yet. I am hoping that if he doesn't want contact, that sooner or later my life will get somewhat back to normal and I won't be thinking about it every hour of everyday.

Ann -- what you said about losing control is so true. I didn't realize it at first, but I have been in control. I have looked up information almost everyday since my search started. I have followed clues, harassed the adoption agency and the state reunion registry, looked up laws..etc., etc. All of these things gave me some sort of control. Now I can only wait and hope. And I am not good at that. Thanks for helping me understand why I am so frustrated (besides the obvious).

Once again, thank you all for everything. I have some close friends who have been very supportive during my search, but none of them understand what I am going through -- and all of you do. If I can help any of you at any time please let me know.

Debbie

[Racer22]

Debbie,
I can not say much about your feelings in this as I am on the other end of things. I am searching for my bmom. But as a guy I can say that guys bottle up there emotions and think them over later. I suspect that it will take a little time but he will contact you in time. I am sure you know this but I though I would say so anyway. I wish you the best of luck. Jed

[geogdeb]

Thanks Jed -- it really helps to hear from a male adoptee. If you have any other insights I would appreciate hearing them. My son is 26 years old and not married according to the CI. I have read everything I can get my hands on to help me understand my feelings and his. All and all, I am doing ok, but everynow and then I get so frustrated that I feel I will explode. As long as I keep busy I am fine.

Thanks again

Debbie