[aura]

I have a question for all birthmoms who have met the adoptive parents of their children.....what was your first meeting like?
I was adopted at birth and am 33 years old, I just recently located my birthmom here in the same town I live in. (My mom and dad live her too, I was born, raised and adopted here) My birthmom and my mom are meeting face to face for the first time and they are complete opposites. My birthmom is a self proclaimed biker and hippie and my mom is the opposite, very quiet and shy and proper. I have been in reunion with my b-mom for about 6 weeks and my mom and dad supported my search and are willing to meet her. My dad will be there too but he hasn't said much since the reunion, he keeps his feeling to himself. I am just wondering if any of you have meet the parents of your children and is so what was it like for you? I am afraid because they are total opposites that this is going to go badly. Just curious! Aura

[loosy]

Aura ,, In fact I meet my son's amom before I even meet him.. I think she is wonderful... She wanted us to meet as bad as I did... Things have gone very well with us... She has made me and my family a part of their family... Course we are noy completely opposites , but I am so thankful to them for taking care of my baby and loving him as I would have that I feel no matter how they were I would love them..... I know I can't speak for all bmom's but I love his parents as much as he does I think.....

[mrosey]

Wow loosy that is so nice to hear. It's actually an amazing thing to hear. Great question Aura!

michele

[ChristiBender]

Aura.... I can REALLY hear you on this one. And I have to say that you are one brave cookie!!! You also have all the geographic stuff RIGHT THERE so it was bound to happen... and probably the sooner the better.

My bfamily and afamily are far apart and I am far from both of them. So, I don't have to cross this bridge. I can understand what you are saying though as I think my bmom and amom are very different people and a meeting might be really uncomfortable - regardless of how "nice" everyone was.

Have you "prepared" each of them for how the other is "different"? Have you STRESSED to each of them the WONDERFUL aspects of the other person? Acknowledging the differences while FOCUSING on the positives is a good plan I think.

How supportive are your aparents GENERALLY of this whole reunion business? Their level of comfort could have a lot to do with whether they choose to look for the good.. or the bad. And.. visa versa.

Keep talking.. this is good stuff!

[aura]

Loosy, thanks for your reply hon, I am so glad things are going well for you. I am equally glad you and your sons mom get along so well, what a gift for both of you and your son.

Christi,
I did prepare them the best I could, my mom and birthmom are totally opposite but the meeting went well I think. My parents supported my search but when it came to meeting I think fear took over. My mom brought pictures of me growing up and the two of them talked, I kept myself busy with my daughters birthday party so that I didn't add tension to the mix, I thought they might be more comfortable talking alone. My mom asked me later that night what Jenny thought of her and I told her Jenny liked her and was glad I went to a good home. My dad said hi but that was it, he hung mostly with the guys after that but for him talking about not coming to his granddaughters birthday party because Jenny was here I am just glad he came. When my mom called earlier that morning and said that her and dad weren't coming early to meet Jenny as we planned and dad wasn't sure if he was coming I was mad, I called her back and told her that if we are not honest with each other about how we feel then someone is going to get hurt, if they felt this way they needed to have said something earlier and that I would not have my daughter hurt on her birthday. Mom said they were coming and all was well. My dad is just having a hard time sharing his granddaughter and daughter so I applaud the fact he put his fear and feelings aside and came to met her anyways, and more so that he was here for his granddaughter on her birthday. I will not have my child hurt over all of this. No plans for my mom and birthmom to get together since but we are all looking for some down time right now too. Between the whole search and reunion, the holidays and my daughters birthday and the face to faces we all need a little break. God bless! Aura

[mrosey]

Aura

I'm so proud of you and your family. I hope you're are enjoying your "down" time...you do SO deserve it. Wow. It's been an unbelievable few months, huh? So far, so good! Keep your chin up and don't stop with your great attitude and your inspiring level-headed thoughts!

love
mrosey
xo

[ChristiBender]

WHEW!

Now you can breathe for a while.

Make sure that you let your Dad know that you are proud of him... and still "his little girl". That was a hard thing for him to do... and he needs to know that you recognize his efforts. A little can't ever hurt....

((HUGS))

[Sally878]

Hiya Aura,

Don't worry, they have one thing in common..YOU! I'm sure everything is all good. I haven't met my sons amom yet but have talked to her on the phone. She is so glad that I found him, says it's been good for him. We will be meeting on March 18th for his 30th birthday..WOW Just because these women aren't exactly alike doesn't mean they can't get along. Hope all is well for you and good luck!

Sally

[aura]

Hi Sally,

It is so good to hear from you!! How have things been hon? I hope all is well with you and your family! How wonderful that you have been talking to his amom, I hope you can meet someday. My moms met and it went pretty good. My mom came armed with pictures, four photo albums to be exact, and her and my bmom, Jenny, went through them and talked. I kept myself busy while they went over the pictures, I figured they needed some alone time to get to know each other. There are no plans to get together anytime soon but that's okay for now, in time everything will work out. Fill us in on whats going on with you when you get a chance, we want details~ Aura

[kune]

Oh aura,
God bless your Mom. She knew you were tense, and that Dad was feeling stressed....and she just did what mothers do - take birthmom to the side and show her pictures and talk about their child. She truly is a caring sharing loving mother - one you should be proud of. Give her a great big hug for making your daughters birthday a great day for all and for knowing exactly what Dad needed to hear to make his presence necessary.

I was reading through your posts a couple of days ago and read about your hubby's problems at work. How come bmom works there too? (Jenny is your birthmom - right??) Has she always or did Hubby get her the position?

I would love to meet my son's aparents. I don't know if it will happen, but I'm preparing myself in advance.....in case!!!! All good learning reading yours and others reports on the event.

Ann

[aura]

Hi Ann,

My birthmom, Jenny, has worked there for over a year, we didn't know who she was when my husband started there so she was basically right under our nose the whole time.
Thank you for your post, it made me see things a little differently and you are right~she did know what my dad needed and what all of needed and she put everyone first, like moms always do. She is wonderful, so is my dad, I was a very lucky adoptee!!!! I will pray for you and your sons aparents hon! God bless you!

[Relieved]

Aura,

You and I have exchanged communication on a thread in forum: Communication Between Birth Parents and Adopted Parents. I would like to hyper-link this thread here...
The countdown,...

...as well as add some additional comments...

...I would like for the aparents to accept my offer to feel like part of my family as I wish I could feel that they want me and my family to feel part of their family.

As you may have read in the above hyper-link, even though I feel our first meeting (aparents and bmother w/ children) went better than all expected, I still didn't come out feeling like they are interested in getting to know me or maintaining contact with me. This hurts me tremendously. I need to have a personal exchange, heart-to-heart, with them to get through these hurtful feelings.

For now, I am maintaining my relationship with my bdaughter and praying that someday her parents will allow me the opportunity for a heart-to-heart.

"Congratulations to all of you on your reunions"

[aura]

Dear Relieved,

I remember posting on that thread and reading your story. I understand where you are, as far as my parents wanting a relationship with Jenny, my bmom, they are not ready and I don't know if they ever will be. My mom askes how she is doing and how our reunion is going but that's the extent of it, I don't see them ever becoming good friends. My parents are supportive of my relationship with her and understand that I need this for me but they are not interested in anything more at this time. Only time will tell and they know that she will be at family functions that involve my daugter and myself and they are okay with that and that's enough for now. I do pray that one day they can become friends but I am not pushing it, just lotts of praying and time! How is your reunion with your daughter going? I hope well and maybe in time your relationship with her parents will become a good one. Aura

[ChristiBender]

Aura... as you know I too am in reunion with both of my bparents. My bparents and I talk openly about my afamily. My afamily is kept "up to date" for the most part on what happens with my reunion. They are supportive of it because it is important to me, but I think that is the extent of it.

My afamily has NEVER mentioned wanting to meet my bfamily, and honestly I don't feel that is important. I may be in a minority here, but I hold no illusions of "one big happy family".

My adoption was closed and my afamily had no expectation that they would ever meet my bfamily. And now that I have found them I just think that expectation hasn't changed.

In some ways I think it would be neat if they did all know and like each other... but realistically we are all a plane ride apart from each other and there is no practical reason to meet.

I think it is great that your aparents are open to being together at some of your family functions. That, in and of itself is really quite a lot, don't you think?

[aura]

Christi,

I am glad that my parents have met Jenny, I am not so concerned with them being friends anymore. I don't know if I ever expected them to be friends so to say, I think I wanted them to meet more for myself, to bring the two sides together. Does that make sense? I talk openly with Jenny about my parents but like you, I tell my parents the basics about Jenny and thats all. I know it bothers them if I give to much detail and I don't want to do that, they don't need to know every detail and I don't think they want to. My parents are my parents and nothing will change that and Jenny and I are working on a friendship, which at times can be a struggle in its self. I am glad my parents are open to seeing her at family functions if it involves my daughter or I, time will tell how it all works out. I am content with the fact that they have met and are supportive of me in the decisions I choose to make.If they do become friends one day that is great but I am okay either way. I don't have the one big family illusion either. I think it takes time to sort out all the feelings here, this is such an emotional rollercoaster ride it's hard to tell how you feel sometimes! I hope this all made sense!