[Fonti1016]

Hello all,

I'm new to the board and I would like some help. About 2-3 mouths ago I got the paper work from my adoption mother and father. Make a long story short, I found out that my birth mother had an affiar. So now I would like to know how do I wirte to her? Any ideas???

[Southernroots]

Welcome to the forum!

Not certain what you are asking exactly. Are you writing a letter to her that will be your first contact with her? Do you mean that she got pregnant from the affair with you? If so, just so you know, that is not uncommon. Many adoptees find that particular situation.

Don't think that fact really has much to do with how to write that first letter though. I think it is probably a fact that your birth mom isn't too proud of though and I do not think that I would mention it in a first contact letter.

Does that answer your question? If not, give me more info and I will try to give you a better response.

[aura]

You are welcome to read the letter that I wrote to my birthmom, it's in my journal, first entry. The best advice I can give you is this...when I wrote my letter I ask myself, if this is the only contact I will have with her (just in case she doesn't want or isn't ready for contact) what do I want her to know about me, and then I wrote from the heart. I think I rewrote my letter 20 times too! I'm not sure what you are hoping for in contacting her, if you want to meet or not but I hope my letter helps you get started. I agree with Southernroots, I wouldn't mention the affair in your letter. Welcome to the boards hon, there are alot of good people here and we will help you in your journey! God bless! Aura


Just in case your not sure how to find my journal just go to the top of this post, click on my name and choose the option go to auras journal~ I hope it helps!

[Fonti1016]

First off...Thank you two very much for your time and help with everything...I can see that this board is very worm and helpfull in any way...I can tell you all this....I know that when I sit down and write the letter...I will NOT but any thing in it saing about the affiar...(I think my wife would hit me for that) Aura Thanks for letting me look at ur letter...I think it may come in handy...My wife and I also were talking about how we are thinking of writing the letter and making it sound like a hello letter...And leaveing my home address and home phone number on it...And see if my bmother would want to call or send a letter...What do u all think????

[aura]

When I sent my letter I had my contact information at the bottom of the letter. She called me on Thanksgiving. I wish you the best and am here to help if you need me. You are welcome too! God bless! Aura

[Seven]

Dear Fonti:


You don't state as to how you actually got this information other than you receive it from you amom and adad. I think you need to first get some background information unless this information you do have is your non-identifying information. Perhaps your birth family history file which some adoptive parents receive when the adoption is finalized. I would go back and question your aparents about this information before coming to the conclusion that your birth mother concieved you through an affair unless of course this is clearly stated in black and white, and possibly verified by the source.

You don't state how old you are exactly other than your married so I am assuming your over the age of consent. If you are adoptee say born in the 50's or 60's or even 70's this is a time when it was difficult for women to have a child when unmarried or even married and the mind set of society striclty prohibited this kind of behaviour. I would do some serious investigating or possibly contacting the agency or agencies that initiated your adoption. They would be able through records in archives go back to verify this information for you. None of us would like to think our creation was less than it should be, however for most adoptees this is more likely than not. I would also ask if the agency that handled your adoption has a post adoption registry program or reunion program. This way they would initiate the information for both sides and be impartial to both you and your birthmother. I myself a reunited adoptee chose this course of action, it proved invaluable to me in establishing contact and of course counselling my birth family through the initial stages of reunion. If you need more information on how to go about this please post again with the state you were adopted in and the agency that did your adoption. I will be more than happy to give you my personal insight on how to write the letter and how to accept and deal with the emotions and feelings you should consider on your behalf as well as that of your birthmother should you chose to write a letter to her.

[ChristiBender]

I think that letter writing is a very personal issue. Definately reading examples of other letters will help jump start your brain - so I encourage you to take advantage of offers like those here. I will offer up my first letter to my bdad as well if you are interested. PM me for that.

But... each of us is different.. with different levels of comfort regarding disclosure... and how much of a relationship we are hoping for. Some people are NOT wanting a face to face right away - others pray for it. Some people only want medical information, others want a close family-type relationship. These are all issues that come up when you are thinking about that first letter.

On the home page of my website I have a pull down menu - one of the pages there is about the first letter... maybe it will help you think of other things to consider for you as well.

And... a letter isn't the only way to make contact- it is just the most popular. For you that might not be right....

I realize you are excited, anxious and ready to act... that is great (Wow.. I remember those days)... but a moment of thought now, a little planning and some deep breathes might be necessary.

Keep writing... we are here to help you in any way we can.

[JoEvans]

Are you sure she had an affair? I remembered when I got preg. with my youngest, my ex's parents didn't believe that my daughter was their grandbaby. They even had blood work done. It was because her daddy and I were dating and he was only 17, I couldnt see him til he was 18. (they even tried to get me for rape, Hello.. you cant rape the WILLING) Then I got preg. Rumors was that I slept with someone else. EXCUSE ME! I dont sleep around. And I am happy to say, I DO know who the father of all three of my children are. Jo