[Willow33]

I'm so sad right now. My search angel called my birthmom tonight and she hung up on him. I never dreamed it would be like this. How can you feel so sad about something that you never had in the firstplace? I know I'm a strong person and will get over it, but it still hurts. I'm fairly certain that her current husband and possibly my older siblings don't know that I exist based on how she reacted. I do know that her husband was in the room when she got the phone call. Where do I go from here? My heart tells me to just let it be. But, then there is the piece of me that wonders what if she has a change of heart? She may have his # on caller ID, but maybe not.

Please give me some words of support right now...

~Helen

[elmarie]

Helen,
Your birthmother may have hung up from the complete shock of the phone call. I was also contacted by a search angel, when my birthson searched for me. I didn't hang up, but was in utter shock, and could hardly respond more than a few words to this kind person. It took me a couple of weeks before I could call her back and have her pass on consent and contact information. When you are not searching, that phone call comes as a complete "rock you to the core" experience. Though I was not searching, the experience of getting to know my birthson has been a dream come true, though challenging at times. I love him completely. I don't want to give you false hope, but she could be in complete shock and needs time to process this life changing event. Hang in there and my prayers will be with you.

[kune]

Willow
I too feel like elmarie, the above post. Hearing someone on the other end of a phone would leave me speechless too and I guess the woman just reacted instinctively. That doesn't mean you cannot follow up the phone call with a letter. Something written on paper is esier to digest - you can read it over and over and come up with a response that is thought through, rather than the immediate response needed in telephone calls. If I was in your situation, I would follow up with a letter explaining the call, and setting out your thoughts and feelings, and asking for information you require.

Don't believe this is the end of your search. Be absolutely certain that this woman is the person you seek, and send a letter or card. (You can find sample birthmother letters on the internet that will give you some ideas about what to include or ask for). She then, at least, has your name, maybe a photo, and an address to contact you.

Hopefully your searching is over - but even in the best situations both parties have to compromise a little to make these new relationships work. I would suggest your first compromise is to give her a second chance to get to know her daughter, and let go of past feelings. It's definitely worth a try - you have nothing to lose.

I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for a new beginning.
I'm attaching the following piece from the site http://www.rags-online.org/Rejecting.html
It may give you a little understanding today - sorry this post is so long.

Ann

Rejecting The Opportunity For Reunion
Rejection

Offering a family member from whom you have been separated by adoption the opportunity to be involved in a reunion is a very generous gesture. Unfortunately, however, some people are not ready to accept such an invitation and, if they refuse your offer, you may misinterpret their rejection of the reunion opportunity, as a personal rejection of you as a person. I believe that a common reason for people to reject the opportunity of an adoption reunion is that they have not yet performed the personal recovery work, which would assist them to work through the grief associated with their adoption loss and so feel ready to contemplate reunion. Personal recovery work can be very useful for anyone considering being involved in an adoption reunion.



Adoption Separation and Loss

The separation which results from an adoption creates a situation of loss. It is difficult for family members who have been separated by an adoption to grieve that loss, however, because their grief is disenfranchised. Grief is considered to be disenfranchised when it is not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. After other losses in our lives, such as those connected with most cases of bereavement, being able to grieve with the support of our community assists us to accommodate our loss and to move forward with our lives. In my first book, 'Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief', I explained in detail the ways in which the grief following an adoption separation is disenfranchised and the outcomes for those affected. The most common outcome is that the grief is suppressed. This can lead to emotional and physical health problems.



Personal Recovery Work

Because those who suppress the grief which follows an adoption separation suffer on an emotional level, I believe that they can benefit from undertaking emotional recovery work. I have provided in my second book, 'Adoption and Recovery - Solving the mystery of reunion', some detailed suggestions for how this personal recovery work can be performed. Those who have managed to undertake productive personal recovery work are much more likely to be comfortable with being part of a reunion with family members from whom they were separated from by an adoption, than those who have not taken the opportunity to do so. If you decide to approach a family member from whom you were separated by an adoption with a view to being reunited with them, or, indeed, meeting them for the first time, you have no way of knowing whether or not they have undertaken any personal recovery work. If that person has not acknowledged the impact of adoption separation in his or her life, or, indeed, if that person has been unaware up to that point that they have been involved in an adoption separation experience, then they have not had the opportunity to address the issues which have arisen as a result of the separation. You may find, therefore, that they are not ready to proceed with the reunion.



Individual Choice

If you have already spent time preparing yourself and feel that you are ready, you may find this frustrating. However, if your aim is to establish a relationship with a family member, this is more likely to occur if you are able to be patient and allow him or her time to consider the opportunity to undertake personal recovery work. It is important to remember also that everyone has the right to choose their own time in which to address their adoption issues. For many people, it is only when they are offered the opportunity of reunion that they begin to become aware of the depth of their feelings around their adoption experience. For some people, this realisation is so frightening that they panic and choose instead to try to keep their emotions buried. However, by offering them the invitation to participate in a reunion, you have also offered them the opportunity to address their hidden grief. You may be disappointed that they choose not to do that at a time which would suit you. However, you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped them to move forward in terms of their personal growth and development, by drawing their attention to their grief. Hopefully, they will soon find the courage to explore, experience and accommodate that grief and so feel ready to reunion.



Community Support and Openness

It takes courage to explore the emotional issues and to awaken the dormant grief which have resulted from an adoption separation. Fewer people would reject the opportunity for reunion if the community in general were more aware of the impact of adoption in people's lives. Increasing community awareness about the losses associated with adoption separation, the value in grieving those losses, the usefulness of personal recovery work and the role or reunion in assisting the grieving process will be of great value to all those whose lives have been affected by adoption separation. When openness and honesty replace secrets and lies, fear can be replaced by confidence and opportunities for reunion will be more likely to be welcomed rather than rejected.



© Evelyn Robinson, May 2005

'Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief' (Revised Edition, Clova Publications, 2003) and 'Adoption and Recovery - Solving the mystery of reunion' (Clova Publications, 2004) are available from Birthlink (www.birthlink.org.uk) in Scotland or directly from the author (www.clovapublications.com).

[Southernroots]

I first knew that my son was searching for me when I received a call from a SW and I have to say that I was in utter shock. I could barely speak (real unusual for me!). Just guessing, but, maybe your birth mom was like me - still in the closet - didn't tell anyone - thought she had resolved her adoption issues.

Your birth mom may just need some time to absorb the news, maybe someone that she hadn't told was there and she was afraid to talk - who knows?

Just know that her initial reaction may not be the final one. She is now thinking about you - probably a whole lot and the door is open. So, yes, she may change her mind once she has had a chance to really think things out. It may take some time, but, there is hope that she will change her mind.

Please know that it is most likely not a reflection on how she feels about you though - her refusal to talk just indicates some issues in her life that she may need to resolve - before she can be in touch - maybe there are siblings or a husband to tell?

When I first spoke to the SW, she asked me to take down her phone no. in the very beginning of the phone call - and had me repeat it back to you. I called her the next day - but, some people do take longer.

Will the SW call her again and make sure that she has his phone no. in case she does change her mind? Maybe in a week or so? Or send a registered letter?

I know many changes of heart in adoption reunion scenarios - and will hope for that for you!

[Willow33]

Thank you everyone for your supportive words. At this moment I don't know what or if I will do anything further.

Helen

[Jessiedo]

Chiming in and offering my opinion as a birthmother, I too would NOT consider your situation as a dead-end. I happened to be contacted via a letter from the agency w/ whom I had placed 20 yrs ago. I really can't say how I would have reacted to a phone call...but hanging up probably would have crossed my mind. I know I personally may have thought it was someone playing a cruel joke.

You've been given some terrific advice here. My personal opinion- I would perhaps give it a small amount of time and send a certified letter.

I sincerely hope things work out the way you wish and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely, Diane

[Montraviatommyg]

Don't give up hope ... I probably would have done the same as your bmum. I found my son (he was searching) so I actually contacted him by email. He had tried sending me letters but I had moved before the letters were sent. We still have contact though.

Pip

[Beboparoo]

Originally Posted by Jessiedo

Chiming in and offering my opinion as a birthmother, I too would NOT consider your situation as a dead-end. I happened to be contacted via a letter from the agency w/ whom I had placed 20 yrs ago. I really can't say how I would have reacted to a phone call...but hanging up probably would have crossed my mind. I know I personally may have thought it was someone playing a cruel joke.

You've been given some terrific advice here. My personal opinion- I would perhaps give it a small amount of time and send a certified letter.

I sincerely hope things work out the way you wish and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely, Diane

I agree. My husband once said (he is an adoptee) that even though he has questions, if ever recieved a phone call out of the blue he would proubly hang up. He just wouldn't know what to do, or how to react. He also admitted it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but he knows he would be so off guard.

Maybe give it a little time? If you have a number, maybe send a letter?

[makhaze]

I am a natural mom who found my daughter, now twenty years old. I have sent a letter, an e-mail, and a card for the holidays, but she has not responded to me. I only wish so badly that she wanted to know me the way you want to know your mom. I think someone not giving you a straight out answer is frustrating because you really don't know where things stand. But, you could look at like this - if there is not an absolute "no", then maybe there is still some hope of contact in the future.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Helen,

I do hope you find the strength to not give up.

About 8 years ago, I had an unplanned pregnancy. I ended up miscarrying, but I was a teenager at the time, and when I called my mom and told her, all she could do was hang up on me. I know it's not quite the same thing, but maybe your birthmom reacted to a shock the same way my mom did? So please, don't give up. Maybe in a week or so, your searchangel can try to contact her again, and leave contact info for you. So then she can call you when it's "safe" for her to, even if her current family does not know about you, that does not mean she would not want to speak with you, she may just want to when she is alone.

Good luck, Helen. I hope you get some good news soon.

[isolta]

Just a quick word of support. I'm a 62 year old dad looking for my "lost to adoption" daughter, and you really have my sympathy. Every time I think I'm close, the spectre of rejection raises its ugly head. Please don't judge your birth mom too harshly, there are all sorts of privary issues surrounding adoptions. An unexpected phone call that resurrects old privacy issues can be a real gamble, you never who else was in the room, etc. Your birth mom may eventually come around. You probably need to get a little emotional distance right now, but don't give up on her. Best regards...

[aura]

Dear Helen,

Hon, my heart is breaking for you and I wish I could do or say something that would take away what you are feeling. I do agree with the others in that do not concider your search over yet, she is more than likely in shock. I sent a letter to my birthmom 2 weeks ago and still have not heard back and it is hard, I am pretty sure I am a secret and I may never hear from her but here is my advice....
I sent her a letter (and you are welcome to read it and if you decide to send one I hope it helps-it's in my journal, first entry) and when I wrote the letter I told myself "if this is the only contact I will ever have with her what do I want her to know?" and I started writing. I wrote from the heart and told her what I would want her to know about me. I am sure she is in shock right now and in the last few weeks I have gone through so many emotions (this is the rollercoaster ride of our lives) but I have been searching for her for 6 months, I am prepared to meet her and have gone through the emotions, she has had 2 weeks to absorb everything and this all takes time. I am willing to give her what time she needs although it is driving me insane!
I guess what I am trying to say hon is give her some time, I am sure she is in shock and if you are a secret and someone was in the room with her she may have felt she had no choice but to hang up and maybe tell whoever was there it was a wrong number. I would write her a letter and tell her how you feel, who you are and then try to find some peace in the fact that at least she knows you are okay and she may come around. She may have to let the people in her life know about you or she may not but at least she will know how you feel. And yes, it is normal to feel the way you do even though you do not know her are have not had her in your life, she is why you are here and that speaks volumes hon!! Take care of yourself and give you and her some time! You are in my prayers sweetie and so is she. God bless! Aura

[Willow33]

Thanks you so much for your wonderful replies of support. It's so wonderful to have a place like this to share experiences, both good and bad, with people who understand.

I've had a few days to think and allow myself to be sad. I know that I'm strong enough to get through this and thankfully have a very supportive husband and family. My search angel emailed me again today and also suggested sending a letter or card to her. I'm just so worried that if I send a letter someone else in her family will somehow open the letter. I really don't want to disrupt her life or cause her pain. Any suggestions on how to send the letter so hopefully only she can sign for it or open it? When should I send it? Should I wait a few days, weeks?

Thank you Aura for sharing your letter with me. I hope your birthmom is a touched by it as I was and contacts you soon.

Hugs to all,
Helen

[nugget]

Just wanted to offer my hopeful thoughts to you. Hope that your first mom will take a look at the reality and call you soon.
Hang in there,
Wendy

[shirleyville]

Willow,

My search angel called my birthmom tonight and she hung up on him.

Happened to me, too.....in January, 2003. My birthmom hung up on my state-appointed intermediary when she called. Actually, she talked to her for a few minutes, and then hung up on her -- but it's basically the same thing.

I never dreamed it would be like this.

Of course you didn't, DearHeart!! More than likely, you spent a lifetime dreaming of something entirely different!! And no matter how much common sense we use, or how much we educate ourselves, or how we much we think we prepare ourselves, emotionally and intellectually for the possibility that something like this may lie ahead for us, there is always that dream that has lived with us for a lifetime.

How can you feel so sad about something that you never had in the firstplace?

How? Because of that dream I mentioned a minute ago. When you experience something like you just experienced, it's like the death of something that has been a part of you for your entire life. You need to feel sad....you need to grieve the loss so you can move forward. I'm not saying that this is the end of the line for you and your birthmom -- I'm not suggesting that you give up....I am merely asking that you allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, and know that it's okay....and necessary.

Where do I go from here?

You take a deep breath and you move forward....one little step at a time. I agree with other posters who suggest that you write a letter. Phone calls are SO intimidating. They require immediate action......and often times, the only immediate action one can manage when faced with something of this magnitude, is to shut down, hang up, slam the door. A letter gives the recipient time to absorb and process everything. Even if she decides, after reading the letter, that she still feel contact is something she can't manage, you will at least have had the opportunity to say what was in your heart. She will have that forever.....
I know this is a confusing, sad and frustrating time for you....
My heart is with you....and I am here, if you ever need to chat. You are right -- you will get thru this. And you will come out on the other side, no matter the outcome of future contact, a stronger person for having had the courage to take this journey in the first place.
Hugs,
Sally