[aura]

Thanks to some amazing search angels I find myself with information about my birthmom and I am sure it's her. She has lived less than 10 miles from me most of my life and I am on such an emotional rollercoaster I can't sit still. I have written her a letter and my husbands father(who is also adopted and found his dad) said he would be honored to take it to her, I'm just not sure if that is the best way to do it or if I should just mail it to her. I'm afriad if I mail it to her someone in her family may open it and I don't know if I'm a secret but on the other hand someone coming to her door is even harder to explain so I'm a little confused. I don't want to hurt her or disrupt her life. I would appreciate any info from adoptees who have found or birthparents who were found. I do not have a phone # and she is unlisted so calling isn't an option. Thanks! May god bless you all. You can email me or private message me.

[evildishrag]

I think having your father-in-law deliver your letter is a very fine idea.

[MKW]

Actually, I would go with sending the letter registered mail. That way, she would have to sign for it, you would know she received it - and then you have to let her take it from there. Only 10 miles away???? I wonder if she knows how close she's been?
Hang in there - and the best of luck.

MKW

[Isabo]

I agree with Evildishrag (I love that name ). I think that your father-in-law is the perfect person to deliver your letter to your bmother. He has been through reunion and understands what the emotions are. Plus, he knows you and can talk to your bmom about you, if she is able to do that at the time he delivers the letter.

Good luck and let us know how it goes! I've got my fingers crossed for you!

[nugget]

Heads up if you decide to do registered mail.
I did that with a birth sister and her daughter signed for it. So it does not always get delivered to the person you address it to.
Good luck!!!

[aura]

I guess my fear in sending my husbands dad is if i'm a secret won't having someone come to her door be hard for her to explain??? I guess I'm trying to keep her feelings in mind when I do this. I just don't want to hurt her life in anyway. I guess I stand just as big of a risk of someone opening her letter if I send it as her having to explian someone at her door don't I????

[nugget]

What if you had your father in law bring the letter and if she's not there, he keeps the letter? If she is there and no one else goes to the door he can very quick explain who the letter is from? Or even just say something like Ms. so and so, it's very important that you read this when you have a moment alone?
At least he can fake who he is like say oh I'm an old friend of a friend if she's not there. But by mailing a letter, I'd be worried over who gets it or who is with her when she reads it.
I'm sorry there is not an easy or one way answer. Are you having any gut instincts at all??
Hang in there
Wendy

[aura]

Wendy,
This may sound weird but i'm on such an emotional roller coaster I don't know which gut instinct to go by!! (LOL) I am starting to lean toward having my father in law take the letter because, as you said, he can make sure she gets the letter and can warn her to read it in private. I started searching for her because I needed medical info for my daughter who is two and a half. When she was a month old my husband, at the age of 36, had a heart attack and had quadruple bypass surgery. The heart disease in his family is killing people in their 30's and he also has childhood and adult lukemia in his family. My daughters pediatrican said that we really need to find out my medical history because his is so grave. I stated all this the letter I wrote to her and also told her that any further contact was up to her I just wanted to know 2 things 1) if she is my bmom so I know if I should continue searching and 2) if she can give me any medical info from her family or my birthfathers family. (my non-id info said they had been together for over a year and were living together at the time of my birth) If she wants to meet that is okay with me but it has to be her choice. Yes, a part of me really wants to meet her and hopes that she will be happy to hear from me, and that part is getting more hopeful which scares me. I guess that's why I'm afraid of hurting her now, I don't want to disrupt her life but I really need the medical info for my daughter. Sorry if I'm rambling on, I'm just so confused???? Aura

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by aura

If she wants to meet that is okay with me but it has to be her choice. Yes, a part of me really wants to meet her and hopes that she will be happy to hear from me, and that part is getting more hopeful which scares me.

Aura,

Did you include in the letter that you want to meet her and have a relationship with her if she is willing? If not, I think that you should add this. I would have been devastated to think, even mistakenly, that my son only wanted medical information. Of course I would have given him the medical information no matter what, but it was very important to me to hear from him that he wanted to know me. Please don't leave that open to interpretation.

Good luck!

[aura]

Isabo,

Now that I go back and read my letter I guess I didn't put that in there, not worded like that. This is the hardest letter I have ever written in my life not to mention the most emotional. I thought I was just going to get my medical info and be okay with whatever she decided as far as further contact but there are alot of feelings coming to the surface that I didn't expect. I do want to meet her and have her meet my a-parents and her two and a half year old granddaughter but I'm afraid I will scare her away if I put all that in the letter. It sure helps having all of you to talk to, my brother is adopted but he isn't at a point where he is ready to search so he doesn't understand and my a-parents are supporting my decision as is my husband but they are not adopted so it's hard for them to understand what I'm feeling. God has blessed me with an amazing family and I hope I can add my b-mom to that family and possibly my b-father. I just wasn't expecting all these feelings!! I am going to add to my letter, good thing I saved it on my computer(LOL)
Thank you and please keep replying, it really does help!!

Aura

[nugget]

Aura,
Oh hun. You have every right to want your medical information. My hope is that you will at least get that.
I know that was my "reason" for my search. But I also know that deep down inside I also had a hope of meeting her as well and let her see that I turned out ok. And I also know that it was so scary to let on to others that I felt that way.
I'm glad to hear your family is being suportive as well. We're here for the whole ride now!! Don't forget that ok? Sometimes it can be easy to draw back when the feelings start to rise, just hang in there and know that you truely are not alone.
You're in my thoughts,
Wendy

[aura]

Dear Nugget,
Thank you, it's comforting to know that someone understands and I'm sorry to hear about your b-mom. I found a poem today and it really touched my heart, thought you all might like to read it. I am including it in with the letter to my b-mom.

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it,
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up...that's all that she could do,
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, Which are you the product of...
Neither my darling, neither...
Just two different kinds of love..

Author unknown
Thanks again everyone, you are all blessings from above and your words and advice help, keep replying...
Aura

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by aura

I guess my fear in sending my husbands dad is if i'm a secret won't having someone come to her door be hard for her to explain??? I guess I'm trying to keep her feelings in mind when I do this. I just don't want to hurt her life in anyway. I guess I stand just as big of a risk of someone opening her letter if I send it as her having to explian someone at her door don't I????

Exactly. Same risk. But worse than that is the sitting and waiting and wondering.. Did she get it? Did someone else intercept it? Will she read it? And so on.

And if you are a secret and her secret gets blown, well what's the worst that's gonna happen? Let's say nobody knows about you. You are not intentionally doing anything to cause her any pain or trouble, you are putting great consideration into protecting her by doing things the best way you can. There is really no foolproof plan.

I think 'secrets' are far less common than we think.

I'd stick with the father-in-law for the following reasons.

• He's a nice, older, unassuming gentleman. People love old men.
• He can relate and be sympathetic to sensitivity of adoption.
• You will know what happened rather than wonder what the postman did.

I wonder what he'd say to her? I suppose it's all a guessing game at this point. This is how I hope it plays out for you.

Ding dong. Lady answers the door. Alone! Maybe picks up her little dog so it doesn't get outside.

"Hello, my name is Mr. Cool Old Man, I'm looking for Ms. Birthmom."

"Yes, I am Ms. Birthmom. May I help you?"

"Could you step outside and speak with me for a moment?"

"Certainly." (Puts doggie in the house and closes the door)

"I have a letter here for you. It is from a young lady who was born on Blah, blah. She is my daughter-in-law and has asked me to bring it to you.

Her eyes widen and start to well up with tears. "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD!!! (hugs father-in-law). I can't believe it! I have waiting so many years for this day!!! Is this a joke? IS this sreally from her? (Hands tremble as she reachs for the envelope). You know her? She's married? OH MY GOD!!!"

Father-in-law smiles and says "Yes, she's married and has children of her own now. She has been searching for you for a long time. I too am adopted and now reunited, and am proud to help her along with this."

"Where is she?"

"Not more than 10 miles from here it seems!!!"

"Oh my God!!!! That's fantastic! Does she want to meet me? Is she angry? Does she understand? I have so many things I want to tell her!!!! Oh my God, please, come in, come in!!!"

"I would love to, but I really should be going for now."

"Wait, how will I contact her? Did she leave her number in the letter? Here, let me give you my number..."

Cool Father-in-law comes home, tells you everything and gives you the number. The rest is the future You write the rest!

Now send him already, and please tell us everything!!!!

Best wishes.

[Isabo]

Aura,

I know you said you have the letter saved on your computer. Are you going to hand write the letter after you have the final draft done on your computer? I think hand writing the letter would make it much more personal. I draft letters on my computer and then hand write them out when I want to get them just right but also want that personal touch.

Also, are you going to slip a picture or two in with the letter? I would start with just pictures of you, your husband and your daughter. You want to make yourself and your daughter as real as possible to your birth mom. My son promised me he was going to send me a picture, and then he didn't. He made me wait until our first face to face (which was only 5 days). But, I still wanted that picture ASAP. What is really funny as that he described himself as this total little nerdy type of guy (which was fine with me), but then when I met him, Wow! He is totally gorgeous - he looks just like his Dad. But, he does have my eyes. It was completely amazing to see him for the first time.

You are going to do great, I just know it.

[MKW]

Love Evildishrag's scenario!!
And Aura - I had found that same sentiment many years ago done in lovely calligraphy and matted. It's still very important to me.
It seems I'm in the minority as far as how to contact your b-mom. But I do agree that you need to let her know what you're open to as far as maybe having a relationship with her. Yes, medical is important, but she is a living, breathing human being on the other end of that letter - not just facts. I know you'll do the right thing. And do send pictures - that just makes everything so real. Hang in there. It's going to be okay - and we'll be here to help you along.

MKW