[bprice215]

Just do it, you have that right to disrupt her life momentarily. I now say the odds are in your favor that she will want so much more. You can't forget having a baby just as you can't forget giving one up. So just do it today.
bprice215

[marimari]

Missy...It is also a difficult position for you, too... We understand the wondering, the whys, all of it that you have, but...your b-mom was probably told that you'd have this great life; back then, we were pretty much told that everything would be almost perfect for you, esp if you weren't with us, you know? As Jane said, we were not to ever see you all again, basically to put you out of our minds, because you were not ours any longer. So, for these 39 years, that is perhaps what your b-mom did. Some of us were better than others in achieving that place of denial/acceptance. It may take some time....

Glad ypu had some wine...sometimes we do need to take the edge off.

What does <3 mean??

Hang in there!!!

[JJinSanDiego]

Hi Missy,

I like you, believed my BMom wanted nothing to do with me - of course my AMom did a number on me by insinuating I'd ruin her life if I ever went looking for her - that she wanted to forget me.

I did go looking for BMom when I was 47. Unfortunately, when I found her she had already been dead for two years. But my half-brother told me she was always hoping I would find her (there was no WAY she would have gone looking because she was told to FORGET - they fed our Moms a boatload of lies back in the day!). My brother said she was hoping I would find her but was also terrified (afraid I would ream her out for giving me away) My half-brother's Dad told me that my BMom would cry and cry about her little girl being taken away from her. I also talked to a friend of BMom's - she was still talking about me into her sixties and was very sad about losing me.

All of this to say, we don't really KNOW how our Moms feel and are doing until we hear from THEM. My AMom (and probably my own self-protection) told me she would not want anything to do with me. I learned that was not the truth at all. I think a part of her remained that frightened 17 year old gal that found herself in a socially BAD situation. She WOULD have kept me if she could and she WOULD have come looking for me if she could - I say, give your BMom some time. It will take her a bit to find her way out from all of the lies she has been told and to discover her own heart with regards to you. Reaching out to you may be going against everything ever told to her.

I know the wait is agonizing (I'm living through my own awful wait atm). But keep coming here and venting - it really does help. Especially since those of us here, "get it".

Hugs to you . . . JJ

[missy_69]

wow..the support is overwhelming. ty all...i hope you know how much it means to me.

@bprice...As much as i'd love to keep hounding her until i get an answer, I really feel it is best right now to give her some time to process everything. And I know my psyche...If i feel like i've forced myself on her...i will resent and it will effect the relationship forever. I want her to want to talk to me.

@mari....I do understand the brainwashing factor and I am willing to wait for her to sort out her feelings. I just wonder what the statistics are on moms who never want contact and how long it generally takes after initial contact when they do. BTW, <3 is a heart and it means love. Cuz i <3 you all for all the support.

@JJ...(my savior..hehe) you were the first one to reach out to me and you've inspired me a great deal. Thank you for validating my feelings...feeling alone sux and u've aliviated that a great deal. Your personal situation is the exact scenario that motivated me to contact her. I dont want regrets. Its great that you've gotten to know your brother, but it makes me feel sad that you didnt get to meet the mother that honestly wanted to meet you and felt she couldnt.

At this point, I am convincing myself that she probably hasnt told anyone of my existance. I cant even imagine what that might be like. So, I plan to give her plenty of time to sort it out.

The one thing I am getting from all this...I'm fairly certain I've got the right person anyway.

All I am trying to figure out now is, what the heck do i do if weeks and weeks pass without a response. *dies*

ty again. <3

[kune]

Missy

All I am trying to figure out now is, what the heck do i do if weeks and weeks pass without a response. *dies*

One thing you will learn from these forums is that it is never over. If or when you find that the other party says "no contact" you look for reasons, debate with yourself if this means this year or forever, and keep yourself safe with hoping. And when the roof feels like it's closing in on you, you read the journey that L@@king travelled and realise that time is your friend and anything is possible.

I, personally, did not tell anyone apart from my hubby and 2 friends who supported me 35 years ago. But when I was found by my bson 8 years ago, I had no problem telling my family and others who were important to me. The telling was cathatic, healing and taught me that sharing my shameful secret was so much easier than keeping it hidden.....so....maybe your letter will be the catalyst for her to "let it go" and share too. (By the way....I wrote back within 3 days...I'd waited and hoped forever he would have inherited my 'nosy genes' and when the letter arrived I was in 7th heaven - s**t scared but soooooo excited!! )

You say...

I dont want regrets

The searching, finding, and reaching out is a learning experience. You now know so much more than you did at the beginning and I'm sure you are stronger and more focused on your own needs than you were before this all started.

Keep the faith......think positive thoughts....read as much as you can about reunion so you can understand the emotions that will assault you and your Mom. And take it one day at a time.

Wishing you peace and patience and a happy outcome.

Ann

[JJinSanDiego]

Just checking in . . . Missy, how are you doing today?

I'm so glad to see that you received responses from some of our resident sages - Mari, Jane & Ann (I haven't had the pleasure of meeting bprice215 - Welcome!).

Ann, is right - there are so many different stories of reunion (many, right here on this thread). L@@kings story illustrates that "no" doesn't always mean, "No, Never". And yes, it was very sad to not meet my BMom before she died, but learning that she DID want to meet me was so healing and I got a brother and his family out of the deal! There can be some very painful things in reunion (I think of one of my friends whose daugher has refused any contact and another is unable to find her son after so many years) but as painful as they are, they are survivable. We survive the painful things together here and in other places. (My friends here surrounded me the day I found my Mom had died).

I like Ann's counsel to take one day at a time. That's all you can do. You will put yourself over the edge to do otherwise.

As for right now, you have certainty that you have found your mother. That is huge!! (And it's the weekend and you can probably call her voicemail as much as you want to hear her voice, and she'd never know! And most of your friends here will get your crazy behavior!! )

Thinking of you & holding you up! JJ

[missy_69]

I have been reading all the wonderful stories. As a matter of fact, i've barely left my computer all weekend and i think its getting to me.

I'm really taking myself on an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday, I was feeling patient and understanding. Today, I'm feeling angry. Its been 3 days already!

I can understand if she hasnt told anyone...but ****...Im 39 yrs old...its not like im packing my bags and showing up on her doorstep! No one needs to know. All i want is an acknowledgement that she is in fact the person I am looking for and to know WHO THE HELL I REALLY AM!

I better go out before i lose it.

[Racer22]

Missy,
I know that the search is always hard but keep your head up. You will in time get results. The ladies here all know how to keep up the encourgement and give great advice.

Jed

[JJinSanDiego]

Checking in again on you, Missy. Hope you're doing OK. Totally GET the frustration. Hang in there, though, OK?

Nice to see you, Jedster!

[hummeryellow]

Hi Missy I'm a first mom and went looking for my Son found him and emailed that same night. We spent 6 months emailling he came to visit us 3 times, then he was done, he pulled back it was very overwhelming. Now I just send him birthday and Christmas cards I get no response but keep trying. Be prepared for all sorts of outcomes but I hope the best for you. No one knew about my son it was a big secrete. Now I live with the peace that there are no more secrets. I will never reget finding him.

bigggggg hugssss Mary-ann

[missy_69]

Im still here! ...waiting. *sigh*

I havent sent another email or called. Not sure what to do next...how much time to give.

Ty for sharing your story hummer. I agree..no regrets.

[JJinSanDiego]

Waiting with you, Missy!

I'm not sure on the "how much time" question. Guess as an adoptee I'm not sure about that one. Maybe some of the Moms can speak to that.

Feel free to come here to rant as you need to . . . we all know that need!

[katnap80]

I am a little at welcoming you to the thread, "MISSY", but have been following. I am a birth mom to a 30 yr old. We "found" each other in 2004. Letters and pictures were exchanged between us, I sent cards and emails. Telephone calls were filtered thru a SEARCH ANGEL. We have yet to meet. Mother's Day 2006, I received a beautiful card from my daughter.

Like all of us involved in search and reunion, I was totally OBSESSED. All I wanted was to look into the eyes of my darling baby girl once again. She was not ready to meet me.en out of the blue (February 2007) , through a third party, she expressed that "not everyone wanted to be found". To respect her wishes, I ceased all contact. Out of the blue, I received an electronic message from her on Mother's Day evening....

Just a little note to say you weren't forgotten today.

XO

I replied with a single line and left it at that. I guess what I am saying, is that everyone reacts and responds in their own way and time.

Fortunately, every birth mom in my "circle" has opened their hearts and arms to their children, but there are cases where the secret has yet to be revealed. As much as your Bmom has longed for the day, your note probably caught her off guard and she needs time to process. All I can suggest is be patient and when the time is right, she will respond. In the meantime, come here and vent, talk, bounce (whatever settles your nerves) cause at some point or another, we have all been there. Stay OPTIMISTIC!!

HUGS!

"K"

[zxczxcasdasd]

Was just checking in with this thread for the first time in a while. Lots of good news.

A few people mentioned Ligita's story as a reference, but the last I can find is that she sent the letter off to her daughter...is there an ending to the story I'm missing?

I just remember reading her story over the last year or so and your replies made me wonder if I missed something...

Congratulations to all with good news and blessings to those still waiting.

[kune]

Heidi
In Ligita's words from another thread....

Yes - that is right!!! I have HEARD from M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My gosh - at first I thought it was my sister calling me - she sounds exactly like them!!! My heart is happy now!!! We will be exchanging emails and letters - she just wanted to call to say that she had received my letter - and yes she wanted to 'start' a friendship - see how it goes... slowly... {ANYTHING!! is fine with me!!!**

So - I am UP on that ceiling!! I was wanted you all to be the first to know... and wanted to thank you all for helping me through this; I really don't know HOW I could have done all this without ALL you guys' help!

I hope all is going well for the two of them. I imagine the love and joy and excitement that surrounds Ligita....beautiful. She waited so long - she wanted this so much - and she worked really hard to make it the best possible senario. Our Ligita- with a huge heart; she deserves the rewards.

Ann