[Janet Heath]

Hi,

Found my bmom via a search angel. She found a woman in Colorado with the same first name as my bmom and was married. I sent a certified letter initially and no response, almost 6 weeks went by and nothing. So I sent a 2nd letter certified with restricted delivery and letter never received and signed for but returned back to me. So both search angel and I did some more looking and lo and behold she was not by bmom. We found my bmom who had married in Colorado and at some point left the state moving to Florida. She married a man a 1 1/2 after my birth. What search angel and I didn't have the first time around was evidence of a marriage via marriage record. The second time around, search angel and I found a marriage record and found her in Florida. We know that we found her this time.

Sent my birthmom in Florida a letter on Monday, June 6, 2005 and she would have received it by the end of that week. The letter goes like this:

Dear ____________,

I would like to renew our friendship that began on August 15, 1961 in Denver, Colorado. I think of you often and wondered how you were doing.

My name was ________ then but I now go by the name of ___________.

I moved away from _______ a long time ago and came to _______. I have a wonderful husband, two grown children and one grandson. My husband is a master electrician and is a supervisor for a hospital here. I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Programming. I work as a computer programmer/analyst.

I would like to follow this letter up in a week or so with a phone call. In the meantime, please feel free to contact me.

You can reach me by phone at ______________. My mailing address

is_________________:

You can also email me at ________________________.



Janet Catherine

Sent the letter regular mail with no special delivery. Didn't want to draw a lot of attention to the letter in case her husband doesn't know about me. So I am hoping she received the letter and has read it. I am still waiting. Even though I said I would follow up in a week or so with a phone call, haven't made a phone call yet. I know it hasn't been but about 2 1/2 weeks since she would have receive the letter, but am nervous and hoping she reciprocates in the next few weeks. As we all know the waiting is hard. I am trying to be patient as I know it may take time to absorb the fact that I 'found' and made contact. I know that she will have to relive everything.

Anyway, I wanted to post and get people's opinions. The thing I struggle with is, if there is no response then is that a 'no' response? How long does one wait for a response before they figure it must be a 'no' response and that is just the birthmom's way of responding by not responding. Or do you decide that no response is a good response because you haven't received a response back that states 'no' to contact. After so long a time of nothing such as 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, etc. etc., do you write another letter, send a 'thinking of you' note, make a phone call. I have thought about whether we have connected or not by August, I would send a birthday card. Her birthday is in August also.

I guess welcome to the world of waiting. What a wonderful roller coaster ride.

Any responses, thoughts, advice would be greatly appreciated.


Janet

[lalgee]

It sounds like you are being very patient. And it is kind of you to show such respect to her like you have. I'm sure that the letter was received well, and it is clear that you have taken time to be precise with your wording, giving just enough information to confirm an identity if one was made. You kept it business-like and to the point - good job!

I can tell you what I would do in this case (but not tell you what you should do). If it were me, I would have probably called by now, or sent another letter. Perhaps in the second letter, you could really let her know what this contact would mean to you, still keeping it very professional. By giving her a little taste of your heart, she might listen to what her own heart says on this issue, and contact you. I would make sure that she knows of your desire to be respectful of her wishes, and that you realize that she may have some need to resolve issues before contact is made on her part, and then say something like "I would love the honor of getting to know you more". Or, "It would be a priviledge to meet you." Or, if you want to get a little more personal with her, you could say something like "I have envisioned meeting you my whole life, and I would be honored to know you." Whatever you do, do it from the heart, and it will be the most effective.

Birthdays are a good time to send some type of communication. It is because people are thinking more about "life-issues" on that day, and the desire to reunite might be higher around that time. A card would be nice, if you also wrote inside of it, but it could appear like you are "stalking" in a way, which would cause her defenses to rise. I might go to OfficeMax or Hobby Lobby and get some nice, or festive, or elegant, stationary, and then handwrite a note to her with your birthday sentiments as well as a second request for contact. Be sure to get a matching envelope, make it really nice, because you never know, it might be something that she treasures for the rest of her life! Also, a family picture or a couple of pictures might be nice. Not too many; maybe just 2. Give her a look at her beautiful family, put a face on your request, as it will be harder to turn down a person with a face. Put a little of your personality into this letter, as it may be a keepsake for her in the future!

In doing all of this, then, if her husband doesn't know, she can show pictures or the letter to help her talk about it with him. This could be very healing for her, it would be for me.

I hope that what I have said helps a little, and I will be praying for you. Would you let me know how it turns out?

[lwk]

As a birthmother I thought it was a wonderful letter. And honestly, I would think if she didn't want contact she would have responded immediately with that exact request or would have asked for more time depending on what her circumstances currently are. I am currently in reunion (just a short time) and by no means an expert but since you told her you would follow up perhaps that is what she is waiting for. I know you gave her your contact numbers but maybe it was too overwhelming for her to contact you. So if you haven't had a negative response I would suggest the follow up you offered.
Best wishes to you that you have a successful reunion.

[Montraviatommyg]

Your letter was nicely worded so give it time as it's hard to know how your bmum felt when she received it. However if you haven't heard anything by August It would be a good idea to send a card as sugested by lalgee.

My circumstances were different as I found my son by accident last year, he'd been searching for 5 years. He did respond quickly so despite my shock at finding him I followed through with contact.

Philippa

[Mil]

Well, you said in the letter that you would like to call in a week. Maybe that's what she's waiting for. You said in the mean time, she could respond to you IF SHE WANTED. Maybe she's more comfortable with you contacting her and is waiting and wondering why you haven't called. I would think if she wanted no contact she could have emailed you very easily. Why not call her and then you'll know one way or another. No more guessing.

[lalgee]

Have you called her yet? I would love to hear your thoughts on some of these posts, and see where you are in your thinking on this issue.

I am thinking of you, how are things?
Lynda

[Janet Heath]

Hi,

Lynda, thanks for asking and being so sweet to be thinking about me. Thanks to everyone for responding and giving me their opinion. I haven't called yet. I am nervous about the idea. I want to but just don't want to be pushy. Want to make sure that she has had time to absorb that I have 'found' her and a chance to think. Knowing that she will have to relive it all will not be easy. I want to ensure the best possible chance for a good outcome. I hope that she by now has seen and read the letter and has figured out that it is her child that she was forced to give up 44 years ago. So if I call her or write her again, I want to wait until after the 4th of July holiday. I belong to a yahoo online search, support and reunion group for Colorado triad members. Have even applied for a Confidential Intermediary as a backup plan in case my bmom refuses contact. So far, all I have is paperwork form the courts stating my records will be unsealed and that my case has been turned over to the Chief Intermediary. Have not paid any money yet. They have yet to request money before proceeding on to assign a CI to me. So it was mentioned to me by someone in the yahoo group that since I know and can contact my bmom, why spend the money for a CI to contact my bmom when I could get someone who knows the ins and outs of reunion make the call for me? Person said if bmom refuses contact and I wanted to search for my bdad then I could use a CI as according to my non-id, bdad is not aware of my existense. So I am mulling over everything and waiting until after the 4th of July holiday is over with. I figure she might be spending time with family over the holiday. She was from the Denver area when she had me, 1 1/2 years later married and moved to Florida. She had 2 sons in which one is still in Florida and another one moved to PA. So over the holiday, she could be in Florida, Colorado or PA. I don't want to disrupt her life right now during the holiday.

I will give an update later on next week. In the meantime, feel free to give your advice or opinions.


Janet

[Montraviatommyg]

Janet,

Have a good weekend though it sounds like you have been given some good advice from the yahoo ..... etc group. I still think it's worth you getting in touch with your bmum again as you approached the situation so nicely in the first place. Everybody who has been through reunion has their own story to tell whether it is good or bad but you don't know how yours will turn out unless you try. My circumstances were completely different to yours but I'm glad I sent that initial email.

Philippa

[lindamccrea]

Sounds like you're getting cold feet! I guess I don't understand. Don't you feel that since you said in your letter you'd call in a week she's waiting for you to call and wondering why you haven't? I am a birthmother still searching and if I was lucky enough to receive a letter like the one you wrote her, I would be on pins & needles. Who knows, she may be waiting by the phone. Passing up any other activities just in case you call. You won't know unless you do it. If she's not there (in Florida or wherever) you won't interrupt a thing. I, as a birthmom would be concerned about intruding as well, especially since you said you would call. Just my opinion. Linda Mc (I'm on pins & needles to find out the outcome of your call!!! Go for it!!!)

[Janet Heath]

I know what you are saying. I have been saying that I wish my birthmom had searched for me and that I would have been so excited and happy about it. But she never searched for me. I also understand that she was probably told not to being that it was during the 60's. I believe that most mothers during that era and before did not search. I also understand that most mothers want to be 'found'. Also understand some mother do not want to be 'found'. I hope my mother wants to be 'found'.

I want to wait until after the 4th of July. Then she will be settled down for a little while.


Janet

[MKW]

Let me just tell you what my b-mom said when I asked her if she would have ever searched for me. She immediately said "no" - and upon asking why she answered - "it would have been intruding." If you talk to a lot of the b-moms here, they will give you exactly the same answer. And the words are always said the same way, with the same fear, and the look of a 15 or 16 year old comes over their face while they answer. It was drummed into their heads - but I think all these b-moms have been waiting since they day they gave us up for the call, letter, whatever, that says "your child is looking for you." I have a feeling your b-mom does want to be found - it just may take her a while to grab ahold of her emotions.
The very best to you. Keep us updated.

MKW

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by MKW

Let me just tell you what my b-mom said when I asked her if she would have ever searched for me. She immediately said "no" - and upon asking why she answered - "it would have been intruding." If you talk to a lot of the b-moms here, they will give you exactly the same answer. And the words are always said the same way, with the same fear, and the look of a 15 or 16 year old comes over their face while they answer. It was drummed into their heads - but I think all these b-moms have been waiting since they day they gave us up for the call, letter, whatever, that says "your child is looking for you." I have a feeling your b-mom does want to be found - it just may take her a while to grab ahold of her emotions.
The very best to you. Keep us updated.

MKW

Although I found my son (by accident) I didn't search for him either but he did ask me why I searched .... assumed I had due to me emailing him first and he was curious to know why. I felt I had to be honest with him and explained that I hadn't mainly because I'd had it drummed into my head that I 'wouldn't be allowed to' and naively believed that. Also I didn't want to intrude, that maybe he didn't want to be found and of course I was clueless as to how to search. I knew there could be a time when he would start searching which he did in 1999 when he turned 18 but part of me was bothered that he would hate me for having him adopted. However I was amazed in a way he didn't hate me as he found my family quite quickly but it's a long story why they didn't tell him where I was or tell me they had contact. During that time he was told unpleasant (untrue) things about myself and my husband.

Of course another issue is over how much support your bmum had after you was adopted. From my personal experience I had absolutely none as my parents were adament that my son was to be adopted and refused to talk about him at all. It was as if nothing had happened and it was a bad dream but of course it wasn't. The few people who did know about him knew how my parents felt about the situation so didn't dare mention him either. Over the years he was only mentioned briefly three times so in effect for 23 years I was silent. Finding him last year open the 'flood gates' and for the first time I was able to talk about him openly and it was hard at first. However my parents still wont talk about him at all which I find bizarre sand I get much more support from my in laws.

Philippa

[dkb60]

Just remember there could be a bunch of reasons why you have not heard anything. She could be on a cruise, or closing on a house or in the middle of a big paper for her doctorite degree. Or she could be experiencing an illness or dealing with that with a family member. It is important for the searcher to give the searchee the space they need to deal with being found. As a searcher you have thought through this for years. As a birthmother I can tell you that I never allowed myself to think through searching or being found. And when I got "the call", as someone else said, the flood gates opened. Not only for me but for others in my family. We needed to deal with it as a family before I could move to contact. It might be helpful in your next attempt at contact that you say just that. Tell her you know this might be a shock but that you just need to know when you might be able to talk. Will it be a week, a month? There is absolute terror in the hearts of some birthmothers. We can't imagine our baby wanting to do anything but scream how could you at us. Quite frankly we ask ourselves that everytime we allow ourselves to think about it. There are so many emotions tied up in this that it takes a long time to even decide what emotion is hitting you at a given time.

As for the "Did you search for me?" question. I am in the camp of I would have never searched. As young birthmothers, we were told not to even think about it. It was not in the child's best interest and why would you want to reck your child's life. Personally, I felt it was not my place. I had released my right to know about her life. The few times I allowed myself to think about it, I did think I would be open if she contacted me. But I felt I had no right to intrude on her life. I even tried to update medical information through the agency I placed with but they seemed to have no system to do that. In fact, they couldn't seem to understand why I was even bothering to do that. I guess they didn't understand that there is a whole group of people who would love to know some medical history on themselves.

Anyway, hang in there. I have a wonderful reunion with my daughter. It is a fun story. If you want me to babble on about that just let me know.

D.

[uglydog]

As for the "Did you search for me?" question. I am in the camp of I would have never searched. As young birthmothers, we were told not to even think about it. It was not in the child's best interest and why would you want to reck your child's life. Personally, I felt it was not my place. I had released my right to know about her life.

dkb60,

OK, you were young when you relinquished, but as you got older ( and I have no idea your age, nor is it important ) did you rethink at all about the possibility of wrecking your childs life ? I know we adoptees have varying opinions, as do you b-moms, but if one is searching and the other isn't, it would almost seem that one doesn't care, or is scared, or has been guilted into not searching.
My own a-mom, in her little delusional state, loved to tell me as a little boy, that if I loved her, I would never look.
I'm not judging you, I'm not even annoyed. I just think that to many people try to control us, both the relinquished and the relinquisher, into doing things that we may do very differently, if we were left alone to make our own decisions.

There are so many emotions tied up in this that it takes a long time to even decide what emotion is hitting you at a given time.

Yep, nuf said ! !

Raymond

[uglydog]

And by the way Janet, I got no problem with your schedule of pursuing contact. I can't find my own b-mom, so I have to live vicariously thru you and the others who have been more lucky than me. I'm jealous for me, and happy for you.

I look foward to the update !

Raymond