[sebastian1012]

We were 17 when my girlfriend got pregnant and had a son, we split a year later. I have not seen them both in 25 years. She married soon after and made a good life for herself and family out of town. Of course, I've always felt guilt and grief but have had a level of acceptance. Grief led me to search, and I happen to find him. People who I've looked to for support have mixed emotions also. What right do I have to come waltzing into his life right now after 25 years? None, I gave up that right 25 years ago. It's confusing. Maybe he want's to meet me, maybe he want's to tell me to f-off, or maybe he's just not interested. I don't know if I should just let this go, or attempt to make contact. My mind is telling me to let it go, but my gut is telling me to make contact. Intellect over emotion? Thanks in advance for any comments.

[melody68]

Hi! I'm new to this forum, but I wanted to encourage you to follow your gut on this one. It's not that you necessarily have a *right* to do anything, merely an opportunity. As an adoptee, I would love to meet anyone who shares my DNA (besides my children!) for curiosity's sake! But, I also think it's good that you recognize he may have a wide range of responses and be okay with that. Go for it. Take a chance. ; ) Best wishes.

[tomg4924]

If you know how to find him. Make the contact. He can dictate how it will go. Just accept what it is

[sebastian1012]

Thanks to both of you for your replies! I'm more concerned about intruding on his life and the effect my introduction may have on him. Perhaps he has a level of acceptance that might be disturbed. I don't want to cause him anymore pain. This is a tough decision for me, not for fear of rejection or any adverse reaction from him. As anyone in this position knows, it's a lifetime of pain for both parties, a subtle underlying pain which is always present, although more pronounced at times. I guess I'll do a bit more research and reading to find out the best way to approach this. The feelings are strong now, more so then anytime I could remember. Thanks again.

[katnap80]

IMO I think you should go for it. The pain is already there... and you never know, you may be welcomed with open arms. I took from your post, that he was brought up by his bmom? If so, there may be some hard feelings there, but what do you have to lose?
Good luck!

"K"

[chighaz]

I agree you should try. I had the same doubts when I located my birthson- I realized he might just ignore me, tell me to stay out of his life. I realized that I had nothing to lose, and would at least know his feelings. Although it took him a while to answer my letter, he said he was glad. We have talked, shared pictures and plan a face to face meeting in a few weeks. So, give it a try. Those feelings you have will never be resolved if you keep them inside-- and I just know you will end up regretting it if you don't.
Best to you

[Wind_Rider]

Hey

I am a son.

Never saw my father. To let you know where this opinion is coming from.

You impress me with your intellect and reasoning. I love the part of apearing strong about the rejection.

Personally i wish that someone dropped the information about my dad on my lap.

Try dropping that information onto his and hold on.

Best of luck.

respect

[cat77]

Now that your son is 25, he has a mind of his own. He probably has questions for you and wonders if you ever think of him. By making an attempt to contact him, at the least, it will show that you do care. I wouldn't waste anymore time-each day is a gift!! Best of luck to you.
(from an adoptee)

[sebastian1012]

Wow, I just popped in and was surprised to see so many responses! Yes, his birthmom raised him with her husband. I'm sure that there will be some static, but it's to be expected. Funny thing is that when I found out about him, I noticed that he's in the same industry as me. He's also been to some of the same cities in Europe, and plays guitar, which I also do.
Thanks for all of the support, from "both" sides. It was good to read what Wind_rider had to say. I'm going to do it. I'll be back with info. Thanks again!

[Wind_Rider]

Well it's nice to be good for something. Give it your best shot. You could even be unique about it and send him a tape of your guitar playing or even write a song. There are no rules about stuff like this.

Are you familiar with the processes of the mind during reunion. They are stages. I will try to find the thread with it.

Congratulations. Lets start a national trend and have all the fathers contact (wink wink) maybe mine will too. Did anyone shag a girl he met while playing soccer in a park in winnipeg back in '66? Oh well doesn't hurt to try.

Best of luck with the reunion and thanks for sharing the story. Many will come to appreciate it.

Respect

[sebastian1012]

Wind: Yes, I know that there is a process to go through for both parties, and no, I'm not familiar with it, or really how to approach it. I'll keep doing research, and perhaps go see a therapist who knows about this sort of thing. Right now, well as of yesterday, my mind has been going in wild directions, and I have this feeling in my gut that won't go away. The internal decision has been made to attempt contact, I know that's why all of these feelings are happening. Now, it's time to figure out the approach to making contact. Many people will be affected by this, and I must take all feelings into consideration. I remember the night he was born, my mother and I hugging each other, while peeking through the glass getting our first look at 2AM. She lost something also. Thanks again.
paz

[Wind_Rider]

Wow, powerful memories.

Be brutally honest and be yourself. All people are worth getting to know on the inside. This process will be a rollercoaster, full of thrills and throwing up, lol.

I am still looking for that info.

Respect

[Lis6191]

sebastian, I wish you the best of luck pursuing reunion with your son. Here's a thread that discusses search and reunion:
Sent my letter today.
And here's a thread I started about being "found."
Confession to a bmom
I hope these help you to prepare, since reunion can be very emotional -- for all parties involved.

There is much info out here on the forum, take the time to read, and keep posting. It helps to talk thru your feelings and we'd love to hear how things are going.

[Juscuz]

Sebastian, You must be prepared for the wild ride of a journey that will last a lifetime if you open Pandora's box. There are so many emotions involved, so many peoples lives you will undoubtely touch by crossing the line......but you'll never know until you try.

I'm sure many of us have had that same feeling, I am a birthmom who's been reunited with my bson last December. He found me. I didn't even try for the reasons you posted. That, and the fact that my own kids didn't have a clue. Only my husband. When I made the decision to reunite with my bson, my whole world had changed and my heart pounded for many months. There were times of walking on eggshells, and many more joyous occassions that had come from it.

The one thing I do remember is my bson asking if I had always thought of him......that was an easy one to answer.

So....dig up your courage, and find it within to persue...it could work out to both your advantages, and it could be wonderful. But also know, that it could go both ways, and be prepared for that.

Good luck my friend.......

[janiej]

The threads Lis have posted are a great place for you to start. There is a wealth of information there that should give you some insight as to what this is about.

I am a birthmother in reunion for 7 months, and there is just so much "help" on here.

Read through all you can, you will learn much.

I hope you decide to "go for it". You will not regret it, no matter the outcome. Just seeing him, knowing he is safe, etc. is worth it all !!
My best to you for a great outcome !!
janie