[milce]

Hi all! I am more of a lurker here, but I am having a bit of a dilemma, and need some advice.
A bit of background...I was adopted as an infant in 1976. My birthparents were very young and just decided that they couldn't give me what they wanted. I never really had any issues with my adoption. I knew that they loved me, but they just had to make a really hard decision. A few years ago, my husband and I began the adoption process, so I was of course forced to explore how I felt about all sorts of adoption related issues. After deciding that we wanted to have an open adoption, and after reading birthmothers' stories on these boards, and about how some of these ladies spend the rest of their lives plagued with guilt and wonder, I decided to search for my birthparents.
I actually quite easily found my birthmother (thank God for Mackie!!) and we have been in reunion since April 2004. It has really been a storybook reunion; my birthparents were married a few years later, I have a brother, and we have all been able to easily express our intentions and hopes for the relationship. Neither of us want this to be a parental type situation, but we are very close. They have been clear since day one that they don't want to make my aparents feel insecure in their role.
So, it has been about a year, we are all assuming that everything is going well, I know that my aparents aren't thrilled with it, but I thought they were dealing. We have made every attempt to reassure them. Now, I am 7 months pregnant, and my birth aunt is throwing me a shower. Since we thought that everything was going well, we decided that this would be a great time to get the two families together to meet, and were going to do it at the shower. I have brought it up several times to my amom, and she always responds "OK". Now, on Sunday, the day before the invitations were going out, she tells me that she isn't comfortable with this shower, but then refuses to have a conversation with me about it! I have no idea what she is thinking, I asked her to call me last night because I really want to know what she wants me to do, and she didn't. So, now, my b aunt is being drug along in the plans because my amom all of a sudden is having a problem with it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Dad won't talk to me about it because he says I need to talk to her, but she won't. To top it off, I have all the pregnancy hormones and such, and all that this drama is doing is raising my blood pressure. I have no problem with having a difficult conversation with her, but how do I do it when she hangs up when the conversation turns difficult? I am to the point where I just cannot deal with this stress, my husband is furious that we are having to deal with this now, and my bmom is upset because she somehow feels this is her fault. Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks,
Carmen

[kersey19]

Geez Carmen -- what a difficult situation. I don't have any good advice -- I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you. I am a bmom. Like your mom, I try to be very respectful of my daughter's parents. I don't ever want to overstep my role. They are wonderful people who have accepted me with open arms.

Do you live close enough to your mom to meet with her face to face vs. over the phone? In my opinion -- and I'm sticking my neck out a bit here -- I don't think it is ok for your mom to hang up on you when you try to have a conversation. She puts herself in contol by taking this action. The question I would ask is what do you want? Perhaps you have the shower without your immediate family -- and just have your bfamily at the shower. This would give you time to work things out with your mom and not drag your aunt's plans down. This is your time, your pregnancy, your reunion -- your mom needs to understand that you love her, that you have new additions to your life, and this is what you want. She may not realize the incredible stress this has put on you. I'd be sick if I knew I was putting this kind of pressure on my daughter.

Sheesh....relationships can be so difficult...and family relationships are doubly difficult. I wish you the best.

[Volfe]

Honestly, this strikes me as something my mom would do... always at the last minute she has to gain control of a situation that wasn't about her and it becomes about her (we guess its either the control, or the attention, or both). She has 'lost' her keys right before me and the kids were leaving for a major event where the kids were in a production... and we couldn't leave til they were found (in case we had them :roll eyes: ).

So, what I would do is try to call one more time or relay a msg: The invitations are going out tomorrow for my shower. I would really like you to be there. We can talk about it if this is difficult for you but if you hang up on me we cannot. Either get the talk or not.

Send her the invitation (and if she was on the planning committee, see if someone will take over her position). don't let her stress you out - you don't need it (I am taking a hiatus from my own mother for this reason). Sometimes Toughlove needs to be used on the parents. Sometimes you need to say, if this is how you want to be fine, but I'll have no part in it. If you want to 'shape up a bit' here is where we are and we will welcome you back...

Good luck in a tough spot!
Enjoy your shower though

Maia

[milce]

Thanks for the advice. I really think at this point that it is much less an issue about the actual shower, and much more of an issue about her feeling like she is losing control over my life. I have done everything in my power to try to make her feel comfortable with the situation. Now she needs to come part of the way to meet me. The thing that I really want to get through to her is that at some point, some member of my birth family is going to be at the same place as some member of my adopted family (we all live pretty close). I would rather have them all meet now in a party setting rather than doing it a week after the baby is born and they both show up at the house and I am sleep deprived and covered in spit up. KWIM? We'll see what happens. It helps to be able to talk it out with someone not involved so much. It gives me a little better perspective.

Thanks again!
Carmen