[dkb60]

I am not known for keeping my mouth shut but last night I did and it was probably for the best. I was at a dinner at church. I knew everyone there and most know me but not all know my reunion story. Most know my birthdaughter and basically treat her like she has always been a member of our family. The conversation between 2 people at the next table went like this...
daughter asks dad why someone said they had two moms. Dad explains that the child was just wrong because it is not possible to have more than one mother. Other dad sitting next to him begged to differ as he had both a mom and a step mom and considered both to be in the same category. First dad tells other dad his thinking is wrong as everyone know you can only have one mom...the one that gives birth to you.
Now some of the kids sitting around them get into the conversation and speak of their step parents and question why they are not "real". The dad has repeatedly used the term "real" vs. "fake" parents. My youngest is taking this all in but not saying anything. One of the dad's knows our story very well. That dad repeats his position that the term mom and dad can take on many faces and it isn't helpful to give it only one definition. Of course, other dad disagrees.

By now I am having a hard time staying in my seat. I wanted to go give him a story that might put a wrinkle in his story. I just don't understand how anyone can have a narrow view in a day when step parenting is common and for the children's best interest needs to be a joint effort. Others around me felt my discomfort.

As a birthmother reunited with an adult child, I consider myself her mother. Not because I gave birth to her but more because I love and care for her. I don't wipe her nose (I would if she asked ) but in the 2+ years we have been reunited I have found myself doing things that most would consider mothering. I also find myself doing those things for lots of people in my life.

I just get annoyed by people's narrow view of family and titles.

Stepping down from my soapbox...
D.

[Montraviatommyg]

My bson and I went through through conversations about him having 2 mums as it meant a great deal to him that I acknowledged him as my son and that I was his mother. I didn't have a problem with this and took it as a compliment but it took me ages to get used to a 23 year old calling me 'Mum' but I do like it. My husband's family have quite happily accepted him but they can't understand why it is so important to him that I'm accepted as his second mum. He puts it simply - his amum brought him and I'm the one who carried him for 9 months before he was born.

Montraviatommygun

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by dkb60

I just get annoyed by people's narrow view of family and titles.

Stepping down from my soapbox...
D.

I know what you mean!!! I'm impressed that you managed to stay out of the discussion, but I'm kind of sorry ... would have been interesting to hear what he would say to your story. After all, by his definition, YOU are your daughter's "REAL" mom!

[Linnie65]

First dad tells other dad his thinking is wrong as everyone know you can only have one mom...the one that gives birth to you.

That would have pushed me over the freaking edge! Good job staying quiet. The funny thing is that others around obviously differed with him and were probably thinking what a dope that guy is. Sounds like all he had to do was to continue to talk and he probably offended everyone there in one way or another!

[blankenb4]

Sounds to me that this guy is just ignorant.

[Girlie_Hen]

What a passive aggressive, conceited, troublemaker First Dad seems . . .
I'm glad you didn't "throw your pearls before swine." - good job keeping mum.
That is soooo CUTE BTW- "I would if she asked." I'm still smiling. I'm glad for your reunion.

[Richard Justin]

Since I am a birth father, adoptive father, foster father, and plain old-fashioned father, I probably would have taken this guy on and caused quite a commotion at the church dinner. Congratulations on choosing the wiser path. It doesn't sound like he was open to reason anyway, but I wouldn't want the others listening to think that I was implying agreement through my silence.

Rich

[l-thompson]

I truly believe some people just don't think or engage their brain before they put their mouth into action. There are lots of people like that in this world....they are just so full of themselves and their own opinion that they spare little thought for another persons feelings.
I think we need to educate these people ......

I am a reunited adoptee and over the years have heard people express their opinion about adoption/birthparents/reunion. It hasn't happened often but occasionally I have heard comments/opinions that have offered very little empathy or understanding of anothers point of view. I actually share my story in the hope that they may concede that their opinion is not the only one that is "right"......I also like to see them squirm when they realise they may have put their foot in their mouth and become aware (hopefully!!) of how insensitive their words may have been...

[Linnie65]

I also like to see them squirm when they realise they may have put their foot in their mouth

LOL - I think THIS guy put his entire LEG in his mouth!

[dkb60]

Originally Posted by Richard Justin

but I wouldn't want the others listening to think that I was implying agreement through my silence.

Since I was sitting a table away, all the people at my table knew my uncomfort. I may not have said anything to the gentleman but I did let loose at my table. All those people know my story. I did take time afterwards to talk to my daughter about what to do when people say things like that. As a 10 year old, I do not want her to act disrespectful towards any adult.

As a side note, my bdaughter has had a run in with this guy also. He made some comment when he heard that she did not grow up in this state but in another state about the ravages of divorce on children.

I fully own up to the error of my ways in my youth. Becoming pregant at 17 was not my finest moment, but I feel I made some very informed adult decisions. And I completely believe God has blessed our family in a way no one expected or totally understands. We are not an example of societal depravity but are an example of grace.

I can't wait till I get the chance to post on the conversation that this gentleman and my dh and I will eventually have. The sad thing is anything he hears will probably not change his thinking in any way.

Maybe I should sit by him tonight at supper......

D.

[l-thompson]

dkb60- Yes!! Sit by him at supper tonight..with your d/h for support. I would soooo love to bet there at your table. Looking forward to hearing the conversation you all had.
Sensitivity and understanding go a long way - perhaps you can instill some of these qualities in him
(Maybe not, but worth a try)

[dkb60]

So I was a chicken tonight and all the chairs around this gentleman were occupied when I got through line. Maybe next week.

D.

[l-thompson]

Oh well, not to worry...there is plenty of time to put this man ( notice I said man and not gentleman....cos he doesn't sound terribly gentlemanly to me!!) in his rightful place...

Next week sounds good to me!!

Actually, come next week you might not feel like even wasting your valuable time on a person that is so insensitive......that would be just fine too!!

Take Care

[blankenb4]

I wouldn't waste my time or energy on this guy!

[akm]

If you only knew how hard it was for dkb60 to keep her mouth shut... I can't believe she did. Had I been there I'm not sure I (her bdaughter) would have, and I'm suprised her youngest didn't tell the whole story.

All I know is I've been looking for every opportunity to start a conversation with this man at church, and then somehow say something about my "two" moms. Dying to do this. Should just let it go, but a bit annoyed.

I am a horrible person...
akm