[blade]

I am so scared about contacting my birthmother. I have a template letter, but I still feel like I don't know what to say. I am so afraid that she will not want to correspond with me. I need guidance. Someone help me.

[blankenb4]

Blade,

Just Write From Your Heart. I Am Sure That She Will Be Glad To Hear Anything That You Have To Say. Be Honest With Her About Your Life And Your Feelings.

Barbara
Iso Bdaughter 6-6-71

[kersey19]

Barbara gives good advice. The first letter I received from my daughter talked about her life growing up, about her family and about what she was doing with her life at that time. It was an amazing letter. It answered all of those questions I had over the years -- was she healthy, did she have a good life, was she raised by a loving and caring family. Good luck Blade -- I wish you the best in reaching out to your bmom. -- Jill

[maryjanek]

blade -- I agree. Be yourself, say what you feel. She's your birthmother so you DO have things in common. Half your genes at least. I wish you all the best.

Mary Jane
Bmother in reunion 5+ years

[tjqarnold]

Blade, I think you've gotten some excellent advice regarding first contact. In my humble opinion, the most important thing is honesty. My found daughter and I have made a pledge to honor that and although sometimes it's difficult, it's much better than perpetuating a lie or half-truth. The letter I received from my daughter was such a gift, in fact I framed it because it meant so very much to me. You know what surprised me the most wasn't so much the content of the letter but the emotions behind it and being given the knowledge that she wanted the reunion as much as I did. There was always the fear that I would find her and she wouldn't want to get to know me. I think you'll be amazed at just how much you have in common. My daughter has the same mannerisms I do, we can finish each others sentences, and can tell what kind of mood the other is in simply by how we say hello on the phone. I hope this is the beginning of a joyous and wonder-filled reunion.

[Annika]

Dear Blade:
Sorry, I'm too low-tech to use fancy fonts, colors, icons, etc. (This site has gotten more advanced - probably for the better, but it confuses me all the more.)
Anyway, I'm an adoptee who was reunited with her (birth) mother six years ago.
All the work was done on my part - she was not looking for me (and may have not sought ... ever, out of guilt, fear, etc.) but welcomed me with open arms.
In my heart (& gut), I felt I would not be rejected upon approaching her, but the prospect of writing some sort of all-inclusive letter to her was terrifying (paralyzing, in fact) - and calling her cold was, for me, not an option - so I did what I could when I was good & READY to make contact: I sent her a collage - which was actually kinda crappy - but I knew words would only hold me back (and I'm a professional writer!) & that she would respond to a visual message (she's a graphic artist - which I learned from her long-ex-husband [not my bio-dad: I knew this prior to calling him]).
Of course, I worried a bit that she'd think my collage was artstically inferior, but I saw no better way of asking whether she was my (bio)mother. So, after collecting images for months, I (forgive my French) got off the pot & shat, pasting something together in one night.
All it said was "Are you my mother?" in funky, cut-out letters & included a recent photo of me + a Polaroid of her pregnant with me (which I'd gotten from the lawyer who'd arranged the adoption) + a border of pretty things. In the lower right-hand corner, I put my voice-mail # [didn't want a phone-call out of the blue).
Now, I would not recommend collage in general (especially with ransom-note-like lettering) but, again, I knew my mom was an artist - plus, I had the feeling sje would want to meet me no matter what.
*But, if you're going to write a letter, don't put pressure on yourself to tell your life story. In fact, if your b.mom just wants to know you're alive & doesn't want any more contact [which could be the case if she's married to some one who doesn't know about you, etc.], she doesn't deserve any details.
Depending on how much you know (& don't be hurt if she hasn't regisered anywhere, for that could be attributed to many things), write a simple letter: Dear X: My name is X and am your birth-daugther. I would like to meet you and have no intention of disrupting your current life. Please respond with either mutual interest in a reunion or lack thereof. Sincerely, X [and give your phone #, E-mail & street address (unless you're like me & don't want to get a call unawares).
It might take a while before your b.mother responds (by the way - my b.mom STILL doesn't have E-mail & I'm not a phone person + international mail takes ages [she lives in Germany]).
But, again, don't pour your heart out to someone you don't officially know.
If you'd like to correspond directly, my e-mail is: assailantpoodle@yahoo.com.
xoxo, Annika

Originally Posted by blade

I am so scared about contacting my birthmother. I have a template letter, but I still feel like I don't know what to say. I am so afraid that she will not want to correspond with me. I need guidance. Someone help me.

[Aimaree]

Originally Posted by blade

I am so scared about contacting my birthmother. I have a template letter, but I still feel like I don't know what to say. I am so afraid that she will not want to correspond with me. I need guidance. Someone help me.

KISS PRinciple.. K Keep I It S Simple S Stupid...

I think that sending an indepth emotional letter would scare the heck out of bmom. You want to give tidbits of info.... so that they'll not be threatened by what you're saying...

Amy

[janiej]

My recent reunion with my son was a littlle different than is being talked about here.
After the initial contact from the adoption agency that he was looking for me, we agreed to "meet" on neutral ground. No one asked if I would rather have him call, or write, I just "assumed" he wanted to meet.
Talk about jumping in with both feet !!!
There was a 2 week "wait" before we "met". I don't know if a letter would have helped that or not.
If the letter is the route you are taking, I have to agree with Amy. Keep it VERY simple !
She will be "shocked" enough, and will probably not be able to read much anyway !! I couldn't even get through the form the agency was asking me to sign just to release my name to him ! Thank God for my husband (not his b-dad). I was a "basket case".
So PLEASE for her sake, keep it simple.
And don't "assume" she never "searched for you". Perhaps she has a "story" to tell you also regarding all these years.
At any rate, I agree with the "simple" mode. And do it soon. The waiting is usually worse than the end result!!
Hoping for the best results for you & keeping you in my thoughts & prayers for a successful outcome !
janiej

[Annika]

Dear Blade: I am so confused by this site, plus the computer I've just inherited has a few quirks ... I got an E-mail from an "Aimaree" this evening - don't know if that's you, but I've been having trouble finding her thread. You can write to me directly at assailantpoodle@yahoo.com. (In case all info has been lost, I'm an adoptee, 32, who found her b. mom 6 years ago ... with a happy ending [or, beginning]). Best wishes, Annika

Originally Posted by blade

I am so scared about contacting my birthmother. I have a template letter, but I still feel like I don't know what to say. I am so afraid that she will not want to correspond with me. I need guidance. Someone help me.

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Taking that first step at contact is not easy and can surely cause a good ol case of the nerves
In my case I made a phone call since I knew if I tried to write there would be no answer. When my bmother answered the phone I asked if I could speak to her and if it was a good time to speak as it was a matter of personal importance. After she said yes they, and this is what might help you, I introduced myself again and gave her my full name and my birthdate and told her I was calling from __ . The next thing I did was to do my best to put her at ease by telling her enough about myself to have her understand I didn't want to cause her undue worry or concerns and I let her know I was doing well. From there, once you have that bit out of the way, so she gets the picture that you are not going to hit on her for money or to live with her etc...that you are first interested in information ( in my case it was medical) then let her start to talk and see what she does say.

Since you don't really know anything much about her, don't overwhelm her with your whole life..leave somethings out of your end of the conversation so that her interest will be raised. If she has had a hard life and yours has been especially good..it could pour cold water on a potential relationship. On the other hand if your life has been hard don't dump all that on her on the first phone visit either..you will scare her.

Above all reassure her you have thought of her warmly and have never been angry with her for the decision she made...hopefully she will tell you what happened. But be ready for anything..in my case I was told I was the result of a rape. I was not prepared really for that though I knew anything was possible still...my ears rang!

Sit yourself down and sort of write a script of a letter..make an outline of what you think is important to say and then if you would feel more comfortable run it by some of us. One other poster did that for actually a few months one time and it helped this person a great deal and when the letter was sent the results were more than anyone could have hoped for...

we are all out here to help you so feel free to just ask. Most of us have been where you are and there are different views but at the right time you will know it and send your letter...and we will be here to cheer you on! Good luck.

[Annika]

Dear Blue Irish Eyes:
I think there might be some confusion on this site.
I found my b-mom in 1998 (met her in '99) & we get along swell: Unfortunately, she lives in Germany (but speaks fluent English) and I live in NYC (I speak enough German to have a moderately intelligent conversation with random relatives & friends of my b.mom).
We have met 3X in person and are in frequent contact.
As for my bio-dad ... it was not so much rape as a sympathy f**k. My mother has admitted that she'd have aborted me had she realized she was pregnant in due time: However, having been reunited with me, she's happy I lived. Unfortunately, she remembers only my b.father's first name & where he was based (in the US Army) in Germany.
Getting certain kinds of info from Uncle Sam is no easy task, I've discovered.
I'm sorry - I can't re-read your message from here, but no matter what the circumstances, you were meant to be! Even if your b.parents had no love between them (mine didn't) - and even if that's a gross understatement - you were meant to be born & live a fulfilling life!
If you wish to correspond directly, my e-mail is: assailantpoodle@yahoo.com

[marshalynn63]

Blade,
I'm new to this forum but not to the search. My story is rather bizarre, because I searched in vain for awhile (Ohio's stupid sealed records laws) and gave up looking for my bmom only to get a call out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon from five women (conference call) who said "we think you might be our sister". Shocked the H-E double hockey sticks out of me. Actually four were sisters, one was the mother. This was in September 04. I'm still having trouble processing the fact that they're out there and that they were looking for me for 20 years and that they found me rather than my finding them. Because of Ohio's legal system, we're having a bit of trouble getting the confirmation we need even though we've filed all of the releases and shared photographs and the resemblance is uncanny (and creepy at first to someone who has never seen another human being that looks like them).

My advice? I agree with taking it slowly and not hurling yourself at her no matter how badly you might want to. It is terrifying to be found even if you want to be. It's also terrifying to be the one who's found someone and wants to make introductions. However, realize that fear is a legitimate feeling and it is absolutely okay to feel this way. The trick is to not allow it to paralyze you. This is a very scary thing to go through. It's life-altering. You wish for it all your life, never expect it to happen, then it happens. Give yourself time to really deal with it before making a move. Don't let it stop you from taking action, but don't let it propel you forward before you are completely ready. Speak with a counselor if possible. Make sure you're prepared for every possible outcome, because you never know what you'll find on the other end. She's probably been wondering and worrying about you since you were born; it's only natural. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. You just have to take it like it comes. I hope I'm not scaring you more, I'm just expressing my POV.

When you do finally contact and meet her, if she's willing to talk to you and give you answers, you're going to find out all kinds of things about yourself that you may or may not have suspected but that will surprise you nonetheless and will change the way you view yourself. For example, I grew up under the impression that I was 100% Caucasian, white as the driven snow. Imagine my shock when I discovered during that first conversation on the phone that I am Caucasian (Dutch, Irish, German) but also 1/8th Native American on my bmom's side (not sure about bdad's side, but that's another story for another day). I was thrilled, though, because I've always had a passionate fascination with Native Americans and always wished I were one. Funny, that. However, it's caused me to re-examine my entire world view from the perspective of someone with a split ethnicity, who can no longer refer to Native Americans as "them" but rather as "us"; and from the perspective of someone who is no longer 100% in the majority, but shares heritage with what this country deems a minority culture even though they—er, we, one-eighth of "we" anyway—were here first.

But I digress. What blows my mind is that my situation is every adoptee's dearest dream: to have their birth family desperately wanting to meet them and bring them back into the fold. Yet, it's freaking me out and I'm shying away from it even though I do want to meet them someday, just not tomorrow. They are so possessive, so desperate to hang on to me even though we're essentially strangers, that it's overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I'm being stalked. Because of the circumstances surrounding my adoption, I can understand their POV—it's as if I was "stolen" from them by the State so they think I'm rightfully theirs to claim (it's a long sad story). But I'm having trouble expressing my conflicted feelings in a respectful caring way in order for them to understand it.

I should be over the moon about being found, right? On some levels, I am. On others, surprisingly, I'm not. Sometimes it's easier to live with the dream than to live IN the dream, I guess. The family in which I grew up are wonderful people that I love with all my heart, and it's exhausting to feel like I'm being pulled apart from both directions when I'm not even sure which direction feels right. I'm too old to "rejoin" their family legally, which is good because it eliminates that issue, but I'm not sure I'm emotionally prepared to or interested in rejoining them emotionally, which is what they seem to be expecting I'll do. I'm seeking counseling to help sort out the feelings, trying to keep them and their expectations at arm's length while also getting to know them via email (not ready to meet in person yet) and trying to live my life.

Best of luck with your reuinion. I hope she is everything you need her to be.

Marsha Lynn
born 06-29-63
found 09-12-04

[Mike's 1st Mom]

There are so many great pieces of advise here.

As a bmom who was fortunate to have been found by her birthson, all I can say is start writing ! ! !

Start out simply. "I was wondering if you would be willing to share some information with me" (use your template) and offer some basic information about yourself. If she is at all like I am or like most moms, she will want to know that you are healthy, safe and happy. The rest, as they say, is fluff.

There is no map, and every puzzle, while it has the same pieces, results in a different picture !

You probably feel like jumping right in and collecting as much information as you can. Offer Time, Understanding and the right to privacy to your birth mom and you will be handsomely rewarded as you learn about one another.

It is difficult to determine if there is ever a "right time" or "good timing" - my bson's timing was based on his needs, and so, I follow his lead even today.

I am so happy for you and hope to hear that she is receptive to your requests.

Ann

[Blue Irish Eyes]

What an interesting and informative message you have shared. I thin sometime we, on whichever side of the search we are on, tend to forget how terrifying it may be to be the one found. When one finds the name of the person being searched there is tremendous excitement and sometimes we don't take a moment to consider that just maybe the other person has not been looking or even thinking much about the other party. I suppose the only way to describe the feeling of fear the found person must be feeling is to recall the fear when we first slipped the letter or made the phone call was for us.

[Strmyhart01]

For the life of me... I couldn't understand why my son didn't want contact. I know he was told awful awful things about me. I know he is young and confused right now as he is sorting out his feelings. I had waited so many years to finally have contact. Although with what was told about me, I doubt that I would have wanted anything to do with my birthmother either! I know they have said and done everything in their power to make sure that he wouldn't want to seek me out. They are afaid of the truth. For now, I have to wait patiently for him to want to know the truth. He knows were to find me... he has my name.. and for a start.. he has called me his birthmom... which is better then the wacko woman that gave birth to me. LOL... I pray everyday that he will seek me out. That their is a hole in my heart reserved just for him...