[Tanna]

I am 22, and the mother of 2 little girls. I was adopted at the age of 9, after my parents rights being taken away. My life with my parents before being placed in foster care at the age of 6 was nothing short of horrible. In short:

My mom left when I was 2 with a serious drug addiction. This left me with my dad and his girlfriend, who hated me, because of a long time rivalry with my mother.
For 4 years I was abused mentally, verbally, sexually, physically, malnourished, drugged and neglected. I to this day have physical scars from these events.

For 4 years now, I have had contact with my b-mom's side of the family, and have gotten all answers from them that they were able to provide. I have also obtained the adoption file, and my child protections files on my case. I know that most of the abuse was by my dad's girlfriend, but the fact that she had him so brainwashed, and he allowed this to go on really pisses me off.

I am now dealing with a dilema. I want to talk to him, and ask him why things happened, and how he could subject his own child to that. I want him to know what thoes 4 years did to me. But most of all, I have 2 half brothers in that side of the family that I would really like to see. I have really been wanting to call my dad, I have his phone number, and adress. I just don't know how to handle it, what to say without breaking down, or if I am going to be strong enough to face him, or even hear his voice.

Any thoughts on wether or not to call him, and how to handle it if I do would be greatly apreciated.

Thanks alot everyone!

[dl]

My sympathy on all that you have endured. In addition to the physical scars there are many emotional scars I'm sure.

I personally think it's very understandable that you would want to speak with your b-dad and see your half-brothers. Have you had any contact with extended family on your bFather's side? Do you know what his life is like now ~ what type of person he has become? What about your bMother? You mentioned you have been in contact with family on her side ~ have you been able to contact her?

Have you thought of writing your bFather a letter as a first contact instead of calling? Perhaps it would help you to put your thoughts and feelings on paper in a letter to him. Afterwards you could decide whether you want to mail it or call him. If you do decide to call him you could have the letter to help you through the call.

Don't mean to seem nosy with my questions and you really don't need to answer them here. I thought it might help you put things in a little different perspective and help you come to your own answers.

Again, my sympathy on all that you have endured. I truly hope that after being adopted at age 9 you experience a caring environment.
Take care ~ (((HUGS))) dl

[Tanna]

I live in Minnesota. My birth mom lives in Wisconsin, about a 5 hour drive away. She has been sober, or so she says, for 5 years now. But she has no personality or brain left from doing drugs for over 20 years.

I have written my birth father a letter. However, I did not put my return adress, last name, or phone number on there, as I do not want him to try contacting me, and catch me off guard. I did write down all of my feelings to him, but have no way of knowing for sure if he got it.

He only live about 10 miles from me. He is a Union carpenter, and has been for about 15 years. As far as I understand, he has to be off drugs to work with the local union, as they do random UA's. He went on to marry the B**** who ruined my life, which makes me question his judgement. Wether or not they are still together, or happy, I have no idea.

I really want to see my half brothers, because they are the ones who brought the abuse to the attention of the county. One of them gave in one day, and told their guidance counselor at school about what was happening to me at home. In essence, they saved my life. As far as my dad's family goes, me and my 2 brothers are all there is to it. He was an only child, and both of his parents are dead.

So, there's my predicament. I just don't know if I can make myself call, or if I should write another letter, and put a return adress on it.

I just am not sure?!?!?

[dl]

How old are your half-brothers? Would it be possible for you to contact them directly? Do you know if they still live with your bFather?

As you don't know if he is still married to the woman that caused you so much pain, I would hesitate to call. If they're still together and she answers the phone, just hearing her voice could be very upsetting to you.

Have you considered getting a P.O.Box. They're not very expensive and then you could write another letter and use the P.O. Box as a way for bFather to respond. You could rent one in a nearby town so he doesn't even know you are in the same town. You could also send the letter requesting it only be delivered to him, and that he sign for it, with a "return receipt requested". At least you would know "he" received it even if he doesn't respond. If he is still married to your abuser, she could have received your first letter and never given it to him.

I would focus only on your desire to see your half-brothers in the this letter. It's unlikely they would give you what you want if you're focusing on your abuse. Once you accomplish seeing your half-brothers or at least getting contact information, you can then clear the air with your b-Father about what happened to you.

Just some ideas that came to mind reading your posts. BTW ~ how was your life with your adoptive family?

[Tanna]

My adoptive family was great! I was the oldest of 4 children adopted into the family. It was very hard though, because all of the other 3 who were adopted into our family are biologically brothers,and were adopted as infants, whereas I was so old. I had a hoorible time with trusting adults all through middle and high school. I wouldn't take orders from anyone, no matter who you were. I was a recovering alcoholic in an in-patient treatment center when I was 15. I also spent 4 months in a juvenile detention center for assault and truency. I was no peach.

I struggled with attatchment disorders most of my teens, trust issues, bi-polar, manic depressivness, and borderline schitzophrenia. You name it, I've been through it.

It was actually meeting my now husband when I was 16 that brought me out of it. I never had to questions his motives. He was the first person EVER, including my adoptive parents, that I felt comfortable enough to cry in front of. Having our firs child brought a lot of hard times though, because that made me think about my past even more, which prompted me to locate my mother.

Anyways, now that you've read my novel... .....The brothers I am seeking have taken their mother's last name, which I do not know. They are older than me. I believe Josh is in his early 30's, and I know he is married and has at least one daughter. Jeremy is in his late 20's, and I believe he is also married. But not knowing their last name is what is keeping me back. And you are right, if I called my dad's house, and Nadine answered, I really don't know what I would do.

I remember being in a WalMart one day, and I saw someone that I thought was her. I was 7 months pregnant. I almost dropped to the floor, and I lost me breath. I pushed my cart away, and ran out of the store. People thought I was going into labor. But it was all fear that I had just seen her.

Thanks for your input! Any other suggestions would be great.

[Jensboys]

Tanna - I just wanted to add my support to you. We adopted two boys (then ages 3 and 4) and have initiated contact now (5 years later) with their birth father's family. All though the perpetrators of the abuse, they also are the ones who reported the abuse and saved our boys from a life of hell.

There a couple of things here that would be warning signs to me (and also positive signs for you).

First off, your brothers took their mother's name and dropped their fathers. That is probably a signal that your father HASNT/HADNT changed (and I know its hard to remember those things from being 6) but there is a good possibility that your brother's life wasnt much better than yours was. I would guess that your brother that reported the abuse and saved YOUR life has lived with alot of guilt and unanswered questions - imagine from his perspective that he told and then lost his little sister. And was probably blamed for that by your bdad and his wife. I would bet he would be ECSTATIC to hear from you!

Is there anyway an intermediary could contact your birth dad and ask him for your brothers' information? If they are still in contact he might be willing to have that done. Maybe some excuse could be made regarding medical concerns etc?

Lastly, if your bdad is still with his wife DONT DONT DONT expose yourself to rehashing the past. Unfortunately, and very sadly, people sometimes dont change. In his mind he has probably justified what happened to you, and your brothers, and facing the truth would force him out of his denial. You cant make someone do that. Even if everything in you WANTS them to.

I am sorry. I am glad that you have a mom, dad and husband now (and of course two precious daughters) that love you. If there was anything I could do to help ... I would!

[dl]

Jensboys made some excellent points. I agree, your brothers taking their mother's name is very significant. I too believe your brothers would be so happy to hear from you and know that in spite of all the pain and suffering, you were placed with a great afamily and now have a loving husband and two daughters. It could be healing for not only yourself but for your brothers to be together. Nothing will ever take away what happened but to be together again could bring the three of you some joy.

I was thinking about using an intermediary as well. Could a male friend of yours call and tell your bFather that he was a friend of one of your brothers from high school and was back in town wanting to get in touch? Or, someone from the high school reunion committee? Of course, you would need to check out past year books at the local high school to see if your brothers even attended high school while living with your bFather. (I'm assuming you and your bFather are living in the same area as where you were a child) As you don't know when your brothers left your bFather's house you need to be careful. They may have been removed shortly after you were. Once authorities became aware of how you were treated they may have examined the entire situation and found it unacceptable for your brothers as well.

Hopefully some others will join in with some ideas. There are some pretty good detectives on the forum!

[ChristiBender]

If you have contact with your bmom's side of the family wouldn't they be able to tell you her last NAME... or where your brothers are? Even if you just found out where they went to school you might be able to track them down through the school reunion organizations.

I have to say - I agree with dl and Jensboys - I think I would stay away from your bdad, at least for now. If your motivation is to have contact with your brothers I think you should work on finding them.... and stay focused on the good that seems to be able to come from that reunion.

It would appear that stepping back into your father's life, especially if he is still married, would bring up a lot of the past without much chance of an "acceptable" explanation or apology. Forgiveness and healing start within YOU - and really have nothing to do with him. I believe that getting to a point where you could find that part of yourself would be easier with the support of your brothers.

Good luck.

[kiwi]

Tanna, First of (((hugs))) for what you have been through. I had never even met my birthfather but I knew I wouldn't be able to verbalize everything I wanted to if I called at the first contact so I wrote a letter.
I knew I had two half sisters and was also more interested in talking to them but I wasn't sure if they had moved out or what. I had a good address for bdad so my sweet husband called saying he was the fiance of a friend and wanted to know if he could still mail a wedding invitation to my half sister at their address

If you do get a PO box, you can have mail to the box forwarded to your regular mailing address so you don't have to go out of town to check it... and the big yellow forwarding sticker would serve as a warning for you to open any letters from it in an emotionally safe place.

[DianeScraps]

Do you happen to know where your brothers went / graduated from school? It might be a long shot but there are many web sites that provide listings of students. A trip to a local library to look at yearbooks might help you too.

I have to agree with some of the others about not contacting your father now. Your brothers seem like a much better start.

Another option . . . Get a third party to call your dad and ask for the brother(s) as a school classmate or something? He may just hand over their info, or a clue

Best of luck

Diane