[RosieEM]

Last spring (2004) I found my birth mom listed on an adoption registry but was too scared to make a contact. So I registered with the site in hopes that she might make a contact with me. when I first found her she only had an email listed and it was over a year old. So I was also worried it might not be up to date. Well, not long after registering, my Birth Father contacted me. We were in contact during may and june till he disappeared. during this time he told me he did not know where my birth mom was. Last week I read a poem that made me think of my birth mom again and decided to look her up once more and found that she had just recently updated all of her information to include her address and phone number. It seems to me that she wants to be contacted and may be doing the same thing as me, hoping I will contact her first. I want to contact her by writing a letter but I really have no idea what to say in a letter to her. How do I introduce myself? I don't want to just write something like, "my name is so and so and I'm your birth daughter." I want it to be more special than that but I really don't know what to say. Does anyone have any advice on how to write a good meaningful letter to my birthmother? I would really appreciate it, thanks.

[Tanna]

Hey there, first off, merry Christmas!

I just wanted to say that I really think your mom want's you to contact her, or she would not be registered. I think you should write her a letter. Maybe you could start it by telling her that you found her information on an adoption registry, and you are so happy to finally know where she is. Then maybe just say a little about what your name is (if it has changed), where you grew up, and what you are up to now. Just enough so she'll know you are okay, and not angry, but not enough, so she'll want to contact you to find out more about you. That's what I did with my Birth Father.

I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to e-mail me with further questions. I cound my biological family 4 years ago, and it has changed my life forever.

Tanna

[tdroyce]

I am a birthmother and I believe that yes she wants you to contact her. As a birthmother I am afraid of the day I have to face my Daughter. But I am also looking forward to seeing her. Good luck to you hon and I will keep you both in my prayers

[Montraviatommyg]

Hi,

I can believe this is scary but go for it even if you only write a short letter it will be a start. You have an advantage over my bson, who was searching for me for 5 years, as I wasn't registered on any lists and didn't know I could although I didn't have a problem him tracing me. He did manage to trace me to a couple of addresses but my husband has a wandering spirit so we moved before my bson got these addresses so letters from him arrived too late. I agree with Tanna that your bmum does want to hear from you and will like to hear about your life.

I found him by accident as I registered on a site as I wanted to start tracing my family tree and my details were already on it so emailed the person on it to find out why. It was only after I sent the email that I realised who it was as I always thought of him by the name his aparents gave him (they kept the second name I chose). He responded back and despite us both being wary of each other to start of with we have now had contact for four and a half months. It has been difficult at times but it is worth it as we are getting closer and we have so much in common.

Good luck!

Montraviatommygun

[blankenb4]

Hi,

I am a birth mom and I believe that she would really like you to contact her. As a birthmom I have always felt like I did not have the right to contact my birth daughter but would have loved her to contact me. I did not and still do not want to be a disruption in her life. But I am putting my name and info on the forums in hopes that one day she will contact me.

As for what to write, I would just write from the heart. Anything that you have to say will most likely be welcomed by her.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year and reunion.

Barbara
ISO bdaughter 6-6-71

[Elle1961]

Don't stress too much on what you write, or worry about sounding 'special.' No one could ever take your place. Remember how nervous your bmom must be too!

[Annika]

Dear Rosie(?): This site has become way more high-tech since I last logged on. Anyway, I won't worry about technicolor fonts, etc. - I just want to make sure you get this message: I was reunited with my birth-mother on Christmas Day six years ago by phone (she lives in Germany and I in NYC). Actually, we had communicated by (snail) mail for several months before speaking. I was the one who did all of the searching and, had it not been a private adoption, I wouldn't have found my b.mom anytime soon, as she just assumed I wouldn't want to meet her; that I would hate her for having given me up and she couldn't bear the rejection. Plus, at the time, there were few registries and neither of us was Internet savvy. (Actually, she still doesn't have a computer or an E-mail account, which greatly limits the contact we could have - which would probably be daily...)
Anyway, in terms of making first contact: I, too, was at a loss for words (and I'm a professional writer), or didn't know what in the heck to say to a (b.) mother I happened to know would not refuse my advance.
To make a long-ish story short-ish, even though my mom had made no attempts to find me, I had spoken with her ex-husband, who lived at her last address on record. Instinct (+ confirmation via a [self-conducted, inexpensive] search of public legal documents) told me they had gotten divorced (almost 20 years prior, after seven years of marriage [no kids, to my chagrin].)
Based on the limited paternal info in my file, I knew he wasn't my birth-father but that he knew about me, so when I called him he didn't have a massive coronary.
And he had nothing but good things to say about my mother (which speaks well of an ex).
I've got to curb myself here & leave out the juicy details to let you know that I DIDN'T WRITE A LETTER TO MY BIRTH-MOTHER - nor did I call her, nor did her ex call on my behalf (that would have been more than awkward)...
For lack of words, or the overwhelming question of what to say (and because I'd learned that she was an artist), I sent her a collage (actually, a color copy of one).
It was by far not my best work: I could have obsessed over each element, picking and placing each image as if the result would make or break the connection.
I shredded magazines & contemplated pictures for weeks, but my desire to meet (b.mama) Ursula burned within now that I was good & ready (@ age 26) & I slapped something together which said merely "Are you my mother?" (in German, even though I knew she spke English quite well) & included my address & pager # (which I specified was such but not why this was all I gave).
Again, these were olden times and, while I did have a cel phone + a land-line (still no E-mail), I didn't want to be called off-guard.
Turns out, my mother - who probably didn't know a beeper from a matzoh ball - called as soon as she got the collage by mail, and I was shocked when heard her message through my pager's voice-mail system.

Sorry to have digressed.
In a nutshell, in contacting your (birth) mother - especially since you know for sure she wants to reunite with you - forget that you're the child in the equation. Don't worry about how she might feel about your having been in touch with your bio-dad.
Don't interpret her hesitation as rejection.
You can send her an E-mail, call her or write an actual letter (collage is, by no means, a universal language).
I would suggest writing a simple E-mail - no imoticons; & wait until she requests a picture attachment of yourself.
My instinct tells me she would be delighted & encouraged by seeing your photo, but it could freak her out, so just send her a short note - subject less formal than "my names is ... & I am your birth daughter" - maybe write ... well, put yourself in her shoes:
Via E-mail what would keep you from falling off your chair but not make you erase the message before reading it by assuming it was fraud?
In olden times (a pet phrase of mine), registries would alert both (or all) parties when a match was made, so maybe you could say: I think [registry X] has made a successful connection! I was born on (such-and-such date) and, if you are my birth-mother, I would like to meet you. Sincerely, [your first name + E-mail address].
The subject heading could be: [registry X] may have made a successful match.

If you decide to write an old-fashioned paper note, say something like, Hi - I found your info on [site x] and I think we're looking for each other. My name is [x] and you can reach me at (E-mail; street address; phone: whatever YOU want to give - however YOU want to be contacted).

You may have to be the one to make the first move - remember that most women who give their children up for adoption feel tremendous guilt & shame + don't want to disrupt their children's "new" lives. Many people don't find out they were adopted until they're 50! I know a woman who heard the news at her son's wedding... her (adoptive) parents were long dead & gone, + she'd been adopted with her twin brother, so she never suspected, having had a biological reference (her brother) all her life & the family had been very hush-hush until an aunt in her drunken dotage spilled the beans. (& hopefully not her cookies!)

Forgive any spelling or grammatical errors & any crucial lapses in information - my keyboard is ancient, as is my brain. You can E-mail me (Annika) directly @ ASSAILANTPOODLE@YAHOO.COM

Best wishes & pray for me in finding my dad (sorry I didn't get into your reunion with yours this time),
xoxo, A.

Originally Posted by RosieEM

Last spring (2004) I found my birth mom listed on an adoption registry but was too scared to make a contact. So I registered with the site in hopes that she might make a contact with me. when I first found her she only had an email listed and it was over a year old. So I was also worried it might not be up to date. Well, not long after registering, my Birth Father contacted me. We were in contact during may and june till he disappeared. during this time he told me he did not know where my birth mom was. Last week I read a poem that made me think of my birth mom again and decided to look her up once more and found that she had just recently updated all of her information to include her address and phone number. It seems to me that she wants to be contacted and may be doing the same thing as me, hoping I will contact her first. I want to contact her by writing a letter but I really have no idea what to say in a letter to her. How do I introduce myself? I don't want to just write something like, "my name is so and so and I'm your birth daughter." I want it to be more special than that but I really don't know what to say. Does anyone have any advice on how to write a good meaningful letter to my birthmother? I would really appreciate it, thanks.

[Annika]

Dear Barbara:
(Forgive me - my keyboard is [literally] sticky.)

My heart goes out to you.
If I hadn't contacted my birth-mother (whom I now call "Mom" [or German variations of it] in person and refer to as "my mother" everywhere but at home [yes, the outside world gets confused, especially since I have a step-father whom I call "dad" + an adoptive father who is also very much my parent [bio-dad is the missing link...]), she would have postponed her concern & curiosity (for lack of better words) and allowed her guilt and sense of shame to keep her from contacting me until who knows when...
As it turns out, I was 25 when I developed the desire to search for her. By 26 - after reading many self-help-type books on the subject of "the adoption triangle" (b&a parents+a. child) - I was ready to deal with what had been a painful issue for me. I celebrated my 27th birthday in Germany with my bio-mom. (A few days later she turned 47, and I think I had already left town [or, the country], but she thinks of me - and my finding her - as a perpetual gift.) I'm 32 now & paid a surprise international birthday visit to my mom on the day she turned 49 ... not as dramatic as it might have been were she celebrating her 50th, but, really, she could smell me a mile away, so there's no sneaking up on her, at least for me...
Barbara - I don't know how old your daughter is (from your ISO, I'm thinking she was 33 in June) or what the circumstances were behind your having had to give up your baby but, from my experience, the registries have not worked [NOT THAT I DISCOURAGE THEM AT ALL!!]: Firstly, my own birth mother didn't have my D.O.B. straight! I was born on Feb. 8, 1972, but she thought it was Feb. 9 (understandable confusion considering she was in such a tizzy, in a foreign country, unemployed & under the influence of whatever pain-killers they give to women in labor).
I have at least two birth-certificates to prove I was born on 2/8, so had my mother joined a registry's data base, a direct match would not have been made by birth date (a crucial element, no?) - plus, the hospital where I was born changed hands not long after I'd sprung forth into the world & they had burned the old records! I nearly passed out when I called the hospital ISO, but this seems to be common-place in the medical profession: pre-produced file boxes even have a "purge by"-date option on them...
So I was lucky in that mine was a private adoption and I was given a first, middle & maiden name for my mom + a picture of her pregnant with me simply by approaching the lawyer involved.
He had taken the above-mentioned Polaroid ... my mother and her [now ex-] husband [who I knew was not my daddy based on ...] had written a letter of thanks to this lawyer after they'd settled down in Omaha, NE, for handling everything ...
Point being - the fact that your daughter hasn't made overtures toward you doesn't mean she is not interested in meeting you.
As I said - I had to be good and ready... 25/26 (27): my adoptive mom had offered her search support when I was in middle school and I wouldn't hear of it ... and when I was ready to embark upon my quest, both of my parents (the long-divorced ones) - who had once encouraged it - felt seriously threatened.
Not that I was discouraged by their jealousy, but your daughter might feel an allegience toward her adoptive parents that precludes her actively seeking you.
My research shows that adopted girls (women) are much more likely than men/boys to want to know their biological history, especially in terms of a genetic/psychological health profile.
It takes two to tango, but, either boys are less emotional & more loyal by nature or they're just, well, more self-assured.
So, you should contact your daughter in a discreet and kinda unapologetic - definitely not needy & guilty - manner.
I'd have been thrilled to have been "found" by my (b)mom but - knowing her circumstances - I took the first step & the result is the same: A happy reunion.

(Still have not found dad - long story)

At one time I sorta resented my mother's not registering anywhere but, there aren't any such truly reliable organizations, and not every one is on-line. Plus, Web sites for us turn up under such seemingly random search terms, it's easy for a person to be discouraged.

I say, if you know who/where your daughter is, approach her confidently and casually (as much as can be expected) - I think it's better to learn you were not just cast away ... an impossible abortion ... and that you're the product of at least one (currently) respectable, responsible individual. And one who does not supress the memory of you as something [ike a relationship] that was not meant to be.

Your daugther is old enough to know she has a lovely b-mom out there. You pose no threat to her nuclear family: Not everyone is that lucky.

xoxo, Annika
(assailantpoodle@yahoo.com)

Originally Posted by blankenb4

Hi,

I am a birth mom and I believe that she would really like you to contact her. As a birthmom I have always felt like I did not have the right to contact my birth daughter but would have loved her to contact me. I did not and still do not want to be a disruption in her life. But I am putting my name and info on the forums in hopes that one day she will contact me.

As for what to write, I would just write from the heart. Anything that you have to say will most likely be welcomed by her.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year and reunion.

Barbara
ISO bdaughter 6-6-71

[blankenb4]

Annika,

Thanks for your reply. My birth daughter did turn 33 last June. The agency which handled the adoption did actually contact her aparents who informed my daughter of my wishes for contact. She is not ready at this time for contact. However, they did send me a copy of her wedding portrait which is priceless. So at this point it is just a waiting game. One which may never end. I do feel at peace that she was raised well and is happy. But, I would like to know her name, to see her, and to hear her voice. The ball is in her court at this time and any reunion would solely be on her terms.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Juscuz]

Oh Rosie, I remember getting *the call* so vividly it brings me to tears. I knew that someday I'd get *the call*, but it was like a time bomb ticking, you just never knew when. I was pretty lucky in that I didn't register, but being on a small island, my bson already had the majority of the info from his aparents. All he had to do was make the call to Catholic Charities. When I received that call, my heart just stopped. All the social worker had to say was *This is CCharities....* that was it. Happy and sad emotions were filling my head - all the memories.

Knowing the answer I gave would mean whether my *secret* remained in Pandora's box or facing the fear of the unknown. I decided the later.

I did receive a letter from my bson.......but this was already after we had talked so he felt a little more comfortable. He said *Hi Ma, well, I know this must be a shock for you but believe me, I'm just as scared.......* and went on to tell me about his reasons for searching, and leaving it as If I want to call he welcomes me, or if emailing was more comfortable, then we did that.

But all I will say is JUST DO IT. I don't think you will ever regret it and when the time comes to see each other face-to-face, that is one of the greatest joys a bmom could have - we've waited a lifetime for that.

[RosieEM]

Thank you all for your advise. I decided today to just do it and send out a short email offering myself to her. It was basically just like the one my bdad sent me months ago, just to let her know that I had found her and if she would like to contact me to feel free. Then I gave her my contact information. Now I wait. I wish all of you luck in your searches and hope for the best for myself as well!!! I will keep you updated.

~Hilary

[ChristiBender]

Hilary - Oh my... how exciting!!!! My fingers and toes are all crossed for you.

I made contact with my mom on 2/13/04 through the use of a single rose with a short note "I've been thinking of you since (my birthdate)" and signed it with an email address. Only 3 hours later we were emailing....

I wish you the same glorious response that I was able to experience.... Welcome to a new chapter of your life!

[tjqarnold]

I am a happily reunited bmom. Our story is unique. She was registed on this site, I was on another. One night, something told me to come here, I typed in the info and there she was! I was literally dancing around my house with the biggest smile I've had since the day I relinquished her. I picked up the phone a million times to call her, not knowing what or how to say who I was and how I had longed for the day we might reunite. I don't think what you actually say is as important as the fact that your reaching out to her. I honestly don't remember what I actually said, I was so caught up in the emotional impact of what was happening. If your not ready to hear her voice, or don't trust your own, why don't you send a card, and write something special as an introduction? My daughter was in the process of writing me a letter, she had my non-id information from the agency. She gave me the letter after we met and it was beautful, just like her. I think the most important thing you can do is to make sure your totally comfortable with however you make contact...that you don't do something that makes you second guess yourself. Trust in yourself and the one thing I always stress when I discuss reunions is honesty..it must be first and foremost if you want your reunion to stay on track.

[Annika]

Dear B:
I sent you a more lengthy reply to your message below but I think it may have gotten lost in this hi-tech (for me) but blessed Web site.
Please E-mail me directly at assailantpoodle@yahoo.com for my thoughts on your situation.
Happy New Year! xoxo, Annika

Originally Posted by blankenb4

Annika,

Thanks for your reply. My birth daughter did turn 33 last June. The agency which handled the adoption did actually contact her aparents who informed my daughter of my wishes for contact. She is not ready at this time for contact. However, they did send me a copy of her wedding portrait which is priceless. So at this point it is just a waiting game. One which may never end. I do feel at peace that she was raised well and is happy. But, I would like to know her name, to see her, and to hear her voice. The ball is in her court at this time and any reunion would solely be on her terms.

Hugs,

Barbara

[janiej]

I have jsut read the posts on how to "introduce" yourself to your bmom.
I am newly reunited with my son after 39 years. I received a registered letter one day, and knew immediately that it had to be the day I had waited for so long !!
I couldn't even open it at first, all I did was shake & cry.
I was never so terrified in my life!!
The letter stated that my son was looking for me, and would it be o.k. if they released my info? It was through Catholic Charities, and although I had left things "wide open" with them 39 years ago, and kept updating my "file" every year, somehow they did not have that info when my son started his search.
Long story short, we met at a "neutral sight", arranged by the social worker of the "home" where he was born.
Talk about terror !! But when he walked in that room, everything was like a fairy tale.
He told me he was just as scared, (of course I hadn't even thought about that !)
I say to you, PLEASE do whatever it takes to contact your "mother". She is definitely waiting, otherwise you would have NO knowledge of how to contact her.
I, as some of the others have said, was "afraid" to contact first, because I did not ever want to 'disrupt" his life.
But the agony of so many years NEVER went away, and I hope to discuss alot more on this forum about those issues & the issue of my new reunion, as soon as I can "figure out" how to use this forum correctly.
Again - PLEASE go for it !!!
I feel "complete" for the first time in my life, and I think you will be giving your bmom the best gift anyone could ever give. YOURSELF !!!
She has been waiting, so please don't put it off any longer.
My prayer are with you both.