[DanteM]

Hi,
I received a letter today asking me to call about a personal matter. It was a social worker announcing me my bmother would like to contact me. The call lasted about half an hour. He talked about my mother and the context of my birth. It seems my bmother went trough a lot and had to give me away for adoption. I was calm and neutral during the whole call and I agreed for him to tell her I was fine. When I hung up the phone, it hit me hard and I'm very confused.
I'm 37 and was adopted 35 years ago. As far as my adoptive familly, I couln't ask for more. I was accepted as a full familly member from the start and I always knew I was adopted. There was never a doubt in my mind that my adoptive familly was my real familly. I was nerver curious about my bparents because I was in a loving familly and I never felt the need for something else.
I haven't agreed to meet her but I think it might be a good thing. It would probably fill in a few blank spots in my life and it would be a good thing just to let my bmother know that I'm living a good life and that every thing is fine. I'm not sure if I'm willing to go for a relationship with my bmother. I'm afraid to be turned upside down by all this especially since I didin't look for this in the first place. I also don't know how to approach it with my adoptive familly. I have to tell them because I love them too much but I wouldn't want to upset them. I have to let them know that I'm not looking for a new familly and that I think my bmother deserves to meet me once.
I said it to one of my adoptive sister and she was very supportive.
Anyway, enough rambling about it. I feel better just writing about it and I will now sleep on this. Thanks for your support.

[clion]

DanteM.
I think you are looking at this situation in a very positive and realistic way - especually in view of the way it happened. I am an adoptee who had very much a similiar growing up - a family in which I was totally loved, parents who told me from the beginning I was adopted. They always said my birthparents had loved me very much but had to give me up because of circumstances they couldn't control.
I began my search not with the intentions of contact, but rather I just wanted to know if they had been able to have a realistically happy life. Little did I dream when I started out that I would actually meet one of them or their family, but that's what happened 30 years after I started my search. Mom (**) initiated the desire for contact after my brother from my afamily contacted her as my intermediary.
That was almost 6 years ago and I am so grateful that I found her. Although I call her Mom, she has in no way replaced my Mother and Daddy. She has always insisted that they are my parents and is so grateful to them for loving me. I am glad that I have been able to be a part of closure for her after 58 years. She had no other children and never married. She talked to no one, except God for those 58 years - not even her closest friend who later became her sister-in-law. The family has opened up to me with welcome arms and we have become good friends and share a strong bond of love.
Only you can make the decision on whether you want contact with her. Think carefully and search your heart. Know what you are wanting as far as a relationship but be open to what your heart leads you to do. It is an emotional time - for everyone concerned. But take it slowly and you will know what is right.
Please feel free to PM me if there is anything I can do to help or support. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,
Carol

[snuffie]

Hi!

I am an adoptee who also knew all of my life that I was adopted.
I had wonderful adoptive parents whom I loved with all of my heart.
But all of my life I had wanted to search for and meet my birth parents. And I found out who my bmom was 4 years ago. My birth mom had passed away before I found her so my reunion is with my many birth siblings. Let me tell you there is nothing like it in the world! When I look in the mirror now I see my bmom smiling back at me. A lot of my health history questions have been answered and I have this wonderful family who welcomed me with open arms. I felt a very strong connection right away.

My adoptive parents were aware of my search but they passed away before it came to an end. But had they been alive I know that they would have welcomed my birth family as just more people to love. They were just that way.

It sounds like you too have wonderful, understanding adoptive parents. How lucky we both are. Mine did not understand my need to search at first. They were from a time when adoptive parents were told that if they did a good job of parenting we would never have the need to search. How wrong that is.
I don't know when you were adopted but maybe it would be a good idea to let them know that you are not trying to replace them in any way and let them know how much you love them.

Reunions are very emotional and also a lot of work. But so worth it. But only you can decide what you want in your very personal reunion. Sometimes it is just better to let things unfold naturally and not try to predict how they will go or force them.

I am excited for you. Please PM me if you want to "chat" and I wish you much happiness.
Snuffie

[DanteM]

Thanks for your kind words on this roller coaster ride of emotions. I did sleep well, so it's a good sign. I will have to take it slowly. I would find it more simple if it was not around Christmast time, the period that everything revolves around familly. At the same time, I understand why my bmother might try to meet me at that time of year.
From what the social worker told me, she has no familly. She was an orphan and in Quebec in the 50's it was not the best place and time to be in that situation. A lot of orphans were put in mental institutions for no good reason. She came out at 18 and found work as a maid. She became pregnant at 19 and was forced to adandon me to an orphenage. In 1970 they decided to close many orphenages in Quebec and my parents adopted me. My bmother went trough a lot after that, alchool, drugs and all but she got herself togheter and started helping other women in her situation.
Here's the kicker, I met her without knowing it, 22 years ago. She gave conferences on her experience and work and she came to my school. I don't remember much about her, except she mentioned she had a child in april 67. It strucked me at that time that she could be my bmother and it scared me. At the same time there was so many kids who were adopted in the 60's, that I dismissed it as a coincidence and I decided that I would not search for her. But I never had any resentment towards her.
The social worker told me she was a very nice and well balanced person. She also has health problems, it might explain why she decided to shearch for me after 37 years. I feel like I have to meet her, only if it's to give her peace of mind about me. But first, I will have a meeting with my familly explaining my motivations toward this and the fact than nothing could compromise 35 years of mutual love.
Thanks again

[Linda Darer]

I am an adoptive mother and received a call 3 days ago from my daughter;s Bmother, who had searched and found us in 12 hours! We told our daughter 21+ y.o. I am so afraid I will become "the babysitter", although I appreciate her interest. My son/ her brother is also concerned he will be pushed out for her two new sisters. Any guidance as to how to handle this? thanks

[snuffie]

I know it can bring up many feelings when we adoptees either search for or are found by our bfamilies. But please realize that in no way are we searching for our "real" parents because we already have them.
I loved my adoptive parents with all of my heart and miss them terribly (they are both deceased) but my bfamily has not replaced them. They have only added to the love I feel.
Please know that this will be a very emotional time for your daughter and sometimes it may seem that a lot of her time is taken up with her bfamily because the experience is so new and exciting. But things do settle down and I think the best reunions for everyone involved are those in which the adoptive parents open their hearts to the bfamily too. It can make your relationship stronger with your daughter.
You also mentioned her brother feeling insecure about her meeting her 2 sisters. Now that I have reunited with my 3 sisters and many brothers I know that relationships with sisters are different than those with brothers to begin with. But her meeting her sisters in no way means that she will be "abandoning" the brother who was there for her all of these years.

I wish your daughter much joy in her reunion and I wish peace of my mind for you and her brother. There is much to be learned from a bfamily. Why we act the way we do, health issues etc. It can be an enriching experience for all.
Snuffie