[pams522]

Hi everyone,

What an awesome site this is!!!!!!

This is my first post, but I've been reading for the last few days. You see, I am a bmom, and in 1999 I left my current information with the adoption agency that handled my case back in 1966. I did this to enable my daughter to find me easily, should she ever decide to search. Well, I got a call two weeks ago from the agency and she had contacted them about me! It was stunning news for me!!! Long story short, through the social worker, she asked some questions of me about my life. I was thrilled to respond through the social worker and carefully wrote a loving letter to her. She joyfully received my letter (according to s/w) and has now sent a letter back, but I haven't yet received it. This is all being done through s/w at this point.

However, here's the glitch: She has now told her adoptive mother of her search, and because of her mother's reaction, she has advised the social worker that she needs to give it a bit more time, basically put the brakes on.

After all these years of longing for this, at first I was disappointed, and can't pretend I'm not even now. But, she is clearly a loving and concerned daughter, sensitive to the heart of the mom who raised her. I prayed so often she would have a devoted mother and apparently she has one. So I see my daughter's devotion to her a-mother (how wonderful!) and I see she has the kind of mother I prayed for her to have- attentive and devoted. Her mother is in her early 70's I believe (based on generic info I got years ago). She was about 30 when she adopted my daughter I think.

I guess my question is for any adoptees or adoptive parents who might give me insight into their thoughts and feelings. I considered it a good sign that my daughter waited until she was 38 before looking for me. I was feeling that somehow meant she was in a good family, was level headed and wanted to wait until the time was right. But can somebody offer me those insights I seek from the perspective of the adoptee and/or adoptive mother? In this waiting period, I'd be so grateful.

That said, even with this little setback, I am thrilled because this has always been the desire of my heart. I would never presume to be anything more to this daughter than she would want me to be, much less be a threat to the mom who raised her. I just want to connect with her in what ever form that takes. My husband and our daughter are both ecstatic about this with me.

Thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance.
Pam

[snuffie]

Hi
Welcome to the forum! You sound like the bmom of most of our dreams! It is so wonderful that you have been in contact through the social worker with your daughter.

I am a reunited adoptee. Your daughter does definitely sound like a very caring wonderful individual. For most of us I think one of the most difficult parts of even thinking about searching is that we don't want to hurt our aparents. Maybe you could give your daughter the web address to this site. There are so many who have had to sit down with their aparents and explain why they needed to search. There have been some recent posts by people who have just gone through this. The most important thing for your daughter would be to let her amom know that she is not trying to replace her, her search has nothing to do with the parenting she received and that she loves her and that won't change.

In the end I believe that we adoptees must do what we need to do for ourselves. Maybe after a little bit of time for the amom to get used to the idea things will be better.

I wish you the best in your reunion.
Hugs
Snuffie

[pams522]

Snuffie,

Thank you SO much for your kind words and your encouragement. I wish I could "copy" your words for my daughter to read just as they are! If the social worker would be willing as the go-between, I will do as you suggest - that is direct her to this site.

But, hey, I just thought of something. Do bmoms and adoptees both use the sight and know when eachother is posting? What if someone wanted to "confide" and wouldn't necessarily want the other party to be in on it as they work things through?

Any ideas?

Blessings to you, dear one!

Pam

[michellemartin]

No, sorry there isn't a real good way to keep things confidential on this particular forum. Even if your bchild isn't a member here, she can read your posts. And vice versa. I know we all have feelings here and there that are easier to talk about without the whole world seeing, so if you stick around a bit I'm guessing you will probably conect with a couple others from this site, and exchange IM's and Emails, so you could have more private discussions with them. Then it wouldnt be displayed on a public forum. I was here sporadically for a couple months though before I really started to talk to anyone from here one on one, but it was totally worth the wait to find others here that I could relate to.

[pams522]

Thanks Michelle,
I will no doubt stick around