[wenrl]

I am just in the thinking stage with this thing and am wondering if some adopted adults and birth parents could offer up some suggestions.

We are adopting an 8 year old girl through the state foster care system. She was very young when removed from her birth family. She does not know what her mother looks like or much about her, although this does seem to be a point of fantasy for her (perfectly normal I know). Her parents were not particularly abusive, but were in and out of prison and not around much in her life from the beginning. She has no photos prior to about a year ago and remembers very little.

Our little girl is a beautiful sweet child with a lot of sadness in her. We want to do the best for her, not only now, but as she grows into an adult. I worry that she will want to know her birth parents when she is older, but will be unable to do so, because they will be dead (or killed most of thier brain cells) due to their lifestyles.

Anyway, I was able to get her mother's current contact information from the a friend in the police department. I do not know what I should do with this information, but I am considering attempting contact, safely through a third party, once our adoption is finalized. I am hoping that if our daughter's birth family is interested, we could exchange a letter every year or so, or maybe just once, so that our child will have something from them at least and not be left with such a big empty wound for life. I do not know if this would make things worse or better for anyone, but I feel like it is something that should be attempted at least.

I do feel that our daughter is not ready to know anything about contact and it would have to be introduced slowly and with the advice of her therapist, but I do not want any opportunities to be missed because we had the information, but were afraid to use it.

If you are a birth parent, how would you have reacted to this? If you are an adoptee, how would you feel if your adoptive parents tried to do this for you? Is it too soon? Should we wait and let our daughter figure all this out for herself in adulthood? Are we overstepping our bounds here? Or, is this the most supportive thing we can do for everyone? All opinions are welcome! Tell me what you think.

[auntyvicky]

In my own opinion you should wait until your daughter is old enough to make her own decision to contact her mom. Because if her birth parents are having problems now. well that means they might make your life more difficult.And make it more difficult for your daughter also. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And best of luck to you.

[vicrose]

As an adult adoptee...my thoughts on this are to wait until the child is much older, because I feel that she needs to bond with you first, and she needs to be emotionally ready before you can spring anything on her...such as meeting her birthparents. for myself, it took a really long time before I could think about meeting my birthparents....38 years to be exact, and even when I did find my birthmother...she was not emotionally ready to have me in her life. YOU are her world right now, but I would definitely make sure she gets lots of love, nurturing, and counseling, because there may be a day in the future that she wants to openly speak about her foster care years, and her birthfamily. You said that she was taken from birthparents not because of abuse, but because they were incarcerated from time to time, they were definitely not looking after her best interests by being incarcerated time after time, and even though you say she wasn't...it does sound like they were neglectful of her needs...which was her needing parents. It sound like you are a very caring adoptive parent, and it's good that you have the birthparents info, but now is not a good time, she needs you now more than ever to protect her best interests.....and she really needs time to bond with your family. She may be sad for a while, but with the love and support you show her daily, she will hopefully come out of that sadness, and grow into a happy child. I wish you all the love with your new daughter!! Brenda

[wenrl]

Thanks for the responses! It is good to see this from another side. I have a really hard time seeing this from all angles, because I am so blinded by everyone's loss. I just want our daughter to feel as loved and accepted for all that she is and has been through as possible. I am also afraid that when the day comes and she begins to ask about what we knew, she will be angry at us for having had this information and not doing anything. I am afriad the people she wants to learn about will be gone and we'll be to blame for not getting her something from them when there was a chance. Perhaps it would have been better to never have the information, so I wouldn't have to questions the right thing to do with it? I do not think that meeting anyone or parents knowing anything about where we live etc. is a good idea either. This would have to be done safely and without our daughter knowing until the time is right. I hoped at the least, I could get a letter or photo to put away in our daughter's file for when she is ready.

[BrandyHagz]

As an adoptee that was raised in an open adoption (with some members of my birth family) I have to say that I don’t see anything wrong with you making some contact, just for informational purposes. Find out where they are emotionally and see how they feel about receiving updates.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea to bring the child into the relationship, at least not yet…but it could be an awesome opportunity for you to get some information from hear early childhood, as well as provide some peace of mind for the birth family.

I wouldn’t base your decision on contact with what you’ll hear here. I think it’s a good idea to make contact, and base your decision on moving forward with contact on the response you receive.

You may be pleasantly surprised…

[katnap80]

I am a bmom, but if I were in your shoes, I would want to obtain a family history, medical history, maybe some personal notes from her parents as well some pictures to be put away for the future. This way your daughter can at least have some information from her roots, just in case they are not still alive when she decided way down the road to search. In the meantime, all you daughter needs is to bond with her new family and lots and lots of love and support. If your adoption is closed, then there is no need to remain in contact with the parents.
Best of Luck with your decision.
"K"

[crick]

I, too, am facing the same situation you are for the most part.

I have 4 kids and they were removed from the birthhome. My daughter especially has a lot of issues and misses her bmom very much, eventhough she really doesn't remember much about her. (thinks she does but....)

When we first adopted them a little over two years ago, I never thought we'd want to contact the bparents. But now, I feel much differently. While I don't want any personal contact with them and my kids certainly are not going to have personal contact until they are much older and emotionally ready, I do feel it would benefit all of us if we had more information, pictures, and a way to give my daughter a bit of security in knowing that her bmom is okay.

So much of her pain, anger and loss is due to her missing her bmom, forgetting what she looks like (which makes her feel guilty), and also feeling like she's being disloyal to her bmom by starting to love me. I really feel if my daughter had a picture of her bmom, it would help in so many ways. Plus, just knowing that she's okay would ease her fears. My daughter's imagination and fantasies are hurting her so I really feel if she had something tangible to see and valid information, her fantasies would lessen a bit.

For your daughter, I would focus on the bonding and your family for now. It's too soon I think. However, I do agree that you might make contact for some information to hold onto until you feel the time is right to share it with your daughter.

My plan is to have a family member in another state set up a pobox and act as the "messenger". This way, the bparents will not have our address or even the state we live in. I feel it's the safest way to begin contact.

You might pm Jensboys as she has opened up contact with her son's bfamily and has a lot of good suggestions.

Crick

[Jensboys]

Feel free to pm me if you want further info

We did do this shortly after bringing our boys home - --- and I, like you, feel that it really DID reassure our kids that their birthmom was safe, that she wasnt coming to take them away (her letters were very reassuring) and when they had questions I could ask her them.

When we started contact almost 5 years ago now - we did use an out of state address through a 3rd party. It worked well for a while - but then we gave our home address, and that has also worked well.

I STRONGLY feel it has helped my kids to see the "real" her (weaknesses and all) rather than maintaining a fantasy. I love that I can say ... your beautiful smile comes from your birthmom, or see you eat lots of chicken now, just like you did when you were a baby.

Initially our deal was that I would send pictures every time they sent me pictures (ie send me a baby pic, I send you a current pic). But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to do contact with them NOT because of what I could get out of it but becuase of what it models for my kids - integrity, respect for their birthfamily (thus them etc).

So now, I regularly send pictures and updates and we irregularly get letters or the odd phone call from their birthfamily. We would LOVE for it to be more regular.

I also put myself in their shoes. My kids birthparents didnt really know any other way. They did what they knew in order to survive and because of it they have paid the HIGHEST price possible - they lost their kids. If me sending them some pictures and regular updates helps them to face what htey have lost - heal and then grow into people my kids can be proud of... then I have helped my kids ultimately. That is my job.

I would add however, that even 5 years after initializing contact, my kids are still TOTALLY comfortable that all contact goes through me. I do all the writing, I send and receive all the pics - I initiate all the calls. The boys do NOT want direct contact yet but value what we do have.

When THEY ask for direct contact then we will do our best to facilitate this. And IF they would of asked for direct contact before our bond was fully established (at least a couple of years) I would of said not yet.