[nhgirl]

Hi,
I often read, but dont usually post. My B-mom found me almost 2 years ago (I'm 40) She is a wonderful person, I understand her reasons for giving me up, I have told her that she did the best thing for everyone and things have turned out great, I couldn't have asked for a better childhood and family-- and I have told her that no one should have any negative feelings -- as my kids would say "it's all good."

However, I have not shared this new arrival with my a-parents (whom I consider my 'real parents' I consider my b-mom a relative of some other nature.) I also have not told my three college age children. In fact other than my husband (who took the phone call) I have not told anyone. And I dont intend to. I have always been a very private person as relationships go.

I have guilt about this. B-mom of course wants to just lump me in with her family, open her arms to my family and be one big happy family. She loves me (her words not mine) and I feel something very warm and special for her to (though I cant see "I love you" ever coming out of my mouth-- I can't connect with my feelings for her.)

I feel disloyal all the way around, and it stinks. I refuse to hurt my a-mom and nothing anyone could say would make me risk doing that to her. B-moms think that they have this connection with their children, and it may be true, but there is nothing like the love I have for my a-parents-- they have my heart. My b-mom pushes for more, and I suspect she may even do something "unintentionally" to run into my a-parents -- like when I was in the hospital recently she dropped in ALL THE TIME-- what a position this puts me in. I don't lie to people (ever) and it would be awkward to simply not introduce them (especially since a-mom is so outgoing.)

The feelings are so intense all the way around. Has anyone had any experience as a birthmom whose 'found' child does not spread the word? I want her to understand, I have told her that I can't hurt them -- she says she respects it but her actions and not so subtle hints ("I am coming to my grandsons wedding even if I have to be a churchmouse in the corner" or "someday we are all going to have a holiday together") scare me.
I want to address this before it gets out of hand, because at all costs I will protect my a-mom and a-dad even if it means severing connections with b-mom -- whom I dont want to hurt either.

Ah, the conundrum.

Any insight from a b-mom who has not been revealed is most appreciated.

We have an otherwise great relationship -- more love and contact from her end than mine, but I am always receptive, open and honest.

[chrismh]

My daughter (who just turned 40) found me this year. She told her amom about it.
I really got mixed feelings reading your post. A few things you said just didn't sit right with me. Hope you don't mind if I mention them. This is just my opinion, and don't mean to say things that would hurt you. So, you're a very private person. Nothing wrong with that. But, I was wondering, if your husband hadn't answered the phone, if you would have told him? You have guilt about this (not telling amom), probably because as you said, "I don't lie to people". But is it okay to live a lie? No wonder you feel guilty, you're keeping something from your mom that totally affects your live. That your bmom found you. The person you love and respect and don't want to hurt, you don't tell. The feelings are so intense because you're living a double life. Funny, you'e always receptive, open and honest with bmom and not amom. Sounds confusing to me.
It would've made me feel just terrible, if when my bdaughter found me, and had she had children, I, as their grandmother, couldn't ever get to meet them. Just the fact that she never even told them about me, would hurt me so bad. Like she was ashamed of me and didn't want them to know. Your bmom is so happy that she finally found you, of course she wants to shout it from the buildings.
This probably wasn't the respone you wanted to hear, but I just had to write it. Hope you figure out what you want. Chris

[nhgirl]

Hi Chrismh-
Actually I DO know what I want. I dont want to hurt anyone. My a-mom and a-dad live 1000 miles away and we talk at least two or three times a week, but that doesn't mean that I spill my guts to her. And yes, we do have the warmest, most loving relationship -- she has been my strength while my husband and I were raising three kids in a blended family, my biggest fan when I opened my own business, and my cheerleader when I need support. And my dad to-- but I am not that needy and sharing in reality -- I am usually the last person to get rattled and the first that everyone comes to for advice.

To answer your question, yes I tell hubby EVERYTHING and that means everything. He is wonderfully supportive, and occasionally reminds me that I am dealing with issues that have no roadmap or rules and that whatever I feel is OK. He's my love!

But I dont share much with anyone else -- for example, the first time I was married (young and pregnant at 19) my husband decided to have an affair seven years later (I was 26 then)--- and we ultimately divorced -- I had no counsel from anyone, no crying on anyones shoulder, etc. I indicated to my a-parents that we were having problems and that they were really bad but that I did not want to talk about it because I wanted to make up my own mind -- (I thought we could work it out, but we never could.)

And you know what? My a-mom respected that, cried a little for my hurt (probably alot but she never burdened me with the guilt), maintained a positive attitude with my ex's family (which wouldn't have happened if I told them every gory detail) and said "honey as long as you know we are here and we love you, I understand that you dont want to discuss it." So she called everyday, awaiting a breakdown from me, and when none materialized, everyone moved on. Not that I dont HAVE the emotions, I just dont publicize them, it just me.

I disagree that I owe my b-mom a relationship with my children. I want her to have one, but one child in particular is struggling with finding himself, he has been through a divorce when he was six, a dad who tried to pull his emotional strings for the last 12 years, and I am 1)not going to introduce her into his world right now when he already has so much going on and 2)not going to put my children in the position where they have to 'pretend' with my a-mom and a-dad.

Call it living a lie if you want, but that is really for me to decide, not you. And I dont believe it is. Honestly, I think that you are afraid that this may happen to you and realize that at the bottom of it all, if we a-daughters have to give up a relationship, it may be the one with b-mom -- in my case it would -- but I dont think it has to go there--nor do I want it to. -- I mean, lets say I told a-mom, she was wounded and crushed (not that she would admit it, but I could feel it)-- I would sever the relationship with b-mom to minimize a-moms pain. How does that serve any purpose? I didnt ask to be given up or found, how do I owe anyone anything?

I have rambled long enough, hope this makes sense. My real question was, how do I help b-mom understand...
Nhgirl

[mtlover]

I can totally empathize with you. I am a birthmom and and adoptee. I also have mixed feels but I lean a little differently. You have every right to set whatever boundries you need in order to feel happy, comfortable and protective of your family. Don't ever let anyone make you think that you don't. If you do not want your aparents and kids to know then you need to make it absolutely clear to your birthmother.

You owe your birthmother nothing in terms of your family but let me be very clear about your responsibility here, especially since you are 2 years into the reunion. If you are not wanting them to know you have got to tell your birthmother over and over... until she gets it.

You cannot let her have her fantasies of:

("I am coming to my grandsons wedding even if I have to be a churchmouse in the corner" or "someday we are all going to have a holiday together")

That is extremely cruel to allow her to think that it is possible at some point if it is not. Make it very clear without sending mixed messages so then your birthmother can decide how to proceed from her end. It may be too painful for her to keep the relationship going know she will never be let in that way. She may be ok with it... but she can make a decison about it. She deserves that... just as your family deserves your protection and the right for you to set boundries as you see fit for them.

You may think that it will hurt your birthmom and that is why you are not sharing it... thinking you are being compassionate. Please understand that it will be far more painful to allow her to hope that she has a opportunity to be a part of your family and have her find out in some other way.

Birthmothers have the same intense love for their birthchildren that parents whether adoptive or biological do. Any period of time, whether it be 17, 40 or 80 years never ever deminishes that love or desire to provide, protect and participate in their childs life. Many birthparents live for the day they can find or meet their child again just so they can do that thinking it will be welcomed. The adoptee on the other hand has not known their birthmother for the most significant part of their lives and while there is a connection... for some it is greater than others... and a desire to know where you come from is definitely there most of the time... the desire to be pulled into that birthmothers life or to pull her in to yours is dramatically less if at all by comparison. If that desire surfaces from the adoptees perspective, it is usually after a significant amount of time, respect and commitment to establish a relationship with each other and then... as any other relationship develops... it is normal for your lives to integrate more and more.

As an adoptee you are not obligated to open your life to your birthmother but you are responsible since you are an adult to be very clear about what you need out of compassion for everyone.

JMHO
Kim

[nhgirl]

Kim,
You made a point that I had not considered, and it was exactly the kind of advice I was looking for - that is the fact that I have told b-mother that I dont intend to share this aspect (reunion) of my life with a-parents (ever) or children -- but I have NOT been clear enough about the children part. I HAVE told her, but I can see now that I have not been clear enough about it, I think.

She says she understands about the a-parents, though I sense that is does not sit as well as we all wished, and that she thinks that I may change my mind. I probably have NOT been as adamant about the kids -- because it may happen (the introduction) someday, but definately not soon---- which I need to express. CLEARLY.

I will talk to her about it when I sense the time is right- very soon, probably next time I see her.
Thanks again so much for your input.
NHgirl

[mtlover]

Nhgirl

You and I were posting at the same time.

You sound like and very beautiful and intellegent person. I feel your concern and the true issue you have. I also feel the pain, hopes and fears from a birthmothers perspective.

There is no easy way to do it but may I suggest a letter. I would think that a letter stating your feelings for your birthmother, your concerns for your family and your right to that is the best way to communicate that to her. Communicate what you do want in addition to what you won't allow. Let her know if you still want to continue your relationship with her.

It will most probably be very painful for her for but good in the long run. Maybe if your relationship continues, you can reduce what you share with her about your kids like weddings and things. If you are not going to allow her to be a part of that, then it is probably a good idea not to share those things with her.

My heart goes out to you. I completely understand both sides of this issue and there is no easy answer, but being clear consistently is about the best advice there is in my opinion.

The hardest lesson that I have learned as a birthmother is that you learn that your child is someone elses child and that the someone elses needs will always come before yours and that it is the right thing. That is a profound and inconsolable truth.

(((((((((((((((((Hugs to you))))))))))))))))))
Kim

[kersey19]

It might be hard for your bmom to understand. It seems at this point that she hasn't been able to understand why you don't want to tell your family.

Why do you feel your amom would be hurt? Are you certain she would be? She might actually feel joy in meeting your bmom. My daughter's mom has been very accepting of me. In fact, she wanted to meet early on to thank me. We have built a wonderful relationship. That has been key in making our reunion work.

I wish I could give you some insight but I can't. You are in a tough situation not wanting to hurt anyone -- I understand how you feel. I'm saying this with the utmost respect for your feelings -- but in your desire to not hurt anyone you are hurting yourself. I can hear it in your words and in your struggle. Ultimately you need to do what is best for you. The key is to convey your emotions as best you can to your bmom, your parents and anyone else who needs to hear it. That's tough when you are a private person but you must think of yourself first.

[nhgirl]

Thank you both much-
nhgirl

[ChristiBender]

nhgirl... I am wondering what has happened in the last few months?? Your struggle is one that is shared by many.....

[nhgirl]

Hi Christy-
Wellllll, not much to tell the truth. I had some emergency surgery (small instestine blockage) and have been either in the hospital or recuperating for over a month.

I am with Amom and Adad (and hubby) for a couple weeks until I go back to work since I had to use all my vacation and sick time anyway (doctors orders.)

Both bmom and I have been busy and not seen each other since before Christmas. When I was in the hospital I was so sick I could not have visitors and asked even bmom to stay away (probably could have snuck her in but she is sick alot and she stays a long time and I didnt want to have to deal with introducing her to my a-sister -- feels like lying.) She understood and was ok with that. Only my husband and sister visited (bparents were out of country.)

I still have no plans to tell amom & adad -- it would hurt her, may divide my a-family and forever alter relationships I have no intention of risking. Probably selfish, but ever fiber of my being says that they'll want to understand because they love me so much, but they'll feel to hurt -- and like I said before, my adad may disinherit me if a-mom can't deal with it and I hurt her to bad.

Bmom says she misses me so much, and I just cant reciprocate the feelings, I mean I miss her in a way, but I just feel disloyal to a-family telling her I miss her so I just say "we'll have to get together soon." There is no reason to hurt her either, and I do want to get together soon. No harm, no foul.

Sometimes I wish I was still in the ignorant bliss that I was before she (bmom) found me (I wasnt looking remember, and had only the most mild curiosity, hadn't even thought of it in years.) I feel pressured to maintain the relationship and try to develop feelings, I do owe bmom for having me and giving me to my wonderful a-parents. And bmom is a wonderful, loving person who is very understanding. I owe it to her, I feel like.

Well, thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for asking Christy--

Take care-
Nhgirl

[luvingmykids]

When I placed my child for adoption I did not consider that placeing her could also cost me my grandchildren(although "thankgoodness" were not at that point). The only thing that I was focused on was my baby and life at that "very" moment. When we make an adoption plan many birthmother's really lose out with so much.

My reunion has been hard on me, but I'm so "thankful" that there is so much openess between, my birth daughter, my family and her's. God has truely blessed us all.

You mentioned that you would sever the relationship with b-mom to minimize a-moms pain. I think that this could also hold true for birthmoms. I have younger children, and my reunion has been a little hard on my oldest. My birth daughter is my daughter, yet if pushe came to shove, I would have to sever our relationship for my daughter that I'm raising. That would be so hard to do. Because I don't know how I could ever walk away from her again. Adoption is so hard.

I know that I would've been "crushed" had my b-daughter felt she was unable to tell her parents about me. I would've felt like she was so ashamed of me.

Your situation is tough.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by nhgirl

I still have no plans to tell amom & adad -- it would hurt her, may divide my a-family and forever alter relationships I have no intention of risking. Probably selfish, but ever fiber of my being says that they'll want to understand because they love me so much, but they'll feel to hurt -- and like I said before, my adad may disinherit me if a-mom can't deal with it and I hurt her to bad.

I missed this thread the first time around..

I believe we all have a right to our privacy.. Some will argue that an adoptee has a right to know the siblings.. An adoptee has the right to bypass the birthparent and connect with the siblings and tell her secret.. Or birthfather..

I guess in your situation the issue is your birthmom is not able to connect with your children .. her bgrandchildren.. in an open way..

You wrote in an earlier post
I disagree that I owe my b-mom a relationship with my children. I want her to have one, but one child in particular is struggling with finding himself, he has been through a divorce when he was six, a dad who tried to pull his emotional strings for the last 12 years, and I am 1)not going to introduce her into his world right now when he already has so much going on and 2)not going to put my children in the position where they have to 'pretend' with my a-mom and a-dad.

I personally believe we do not have to become 'all things' to our birthson's or daughters.. (birthparents aparents etc) I believe we do have a right to keep our own personal dignity and or emotions.. We do not have to become a doormat to the other person because of what we have done.. or not done..

I was separated from my son many years ago.. It was part my decision and part the decision of the society I lived in at the time.. A life situation pulled us apart.. I can not pull it all back togetherr again..
I can not make humpty dumpty whole again..

Jackie

[nhgirl]

Thanks for understanding Jackie.

Luvingmykids, I do 'get' that it must be hard for you to see this kind of post-- being on the other side of it. I am sorry to upset you. I am absooutely NOT ashamed of my b-mother. But I am afraid of the impact to my life -- and my families.

I can't change the way I feel (believe me I've tried) and can't risk losing my a-parents. It has nothing to do with respect for them (God knows) -- it has to do with protecting all of us from something that will likely cause dissension in the family -- and btw, my hubby who knows all parties involved backs me 100% -- knowing the personalities. Also, I have an adopted son with some rather complex problems-- his IQ is 79 and he cannot 'think' or reason like the rest of us. He's 21 now, and it would throw him into a tailspin of fear thinking that a bmom or bdad could show up and want a piece of his life -- to say the least. And yes, I would care if he wanted to find his bparents -- his problems are related to prenatal issues (Fetal alcohol syndrom.)

It stinks. I am so in the middle holding a hand of cards that I dont really want.

Luvingmykids you said:
When I placed my child for adoption I did not consider that placeing her could also cost me my grandchildren(although "thankgoodness" were not at that point). The only thing that I was focused on was my baby and life at that "very" moment. When we make an adoption plan many birthmother's really lose out with so much.

I may be misinterpreting, but it almost sounds like you expected a reunion at some point. Did you have an open adoption? That was not the deal that was struck with my a-parents..

Though I understand it (and I have never been there so I dont know what I would do) if the "deal" was to turn over a baby and walk away in 1960-something, if you decide to walk back into said baby's life 40 years later, THEY get to make the rules. I am not a cold, heartless person (quite the opposite actually) so I hope that doesnt sound cold. JMHO.

[luvingmykids]

You don't sound cold hearted. No one knows your situation. You seem to be doing what you feel is best for all involved.

I never thought much about this before, but people (especially my parents) always said that one day your child will want to know you. So when I first placed her I was very naive and thought that all kids seek out there birthparents later on in life. However, I now know that that is not always the case. My parents still tell me that I need to relax when things aren't going so well, between my birthdaughter and myself, because she will always want to be apart of my life. Acutally, the a-mom also says that, wich in my case might be true, yet I think that they are now all "naive".

When I placed my child for adoption I did not consider that placeing her could also cost me my grandchildren(although "thankgoodness" were not at that point). The only thing that I was focused on was my baby and life at that "very" moment. When we make an adoption plan many birthmother's really lose out with so much.
What I meant by the statement above, was this. Before my reunion I was beside myself wondering how I'd ever make it through my daughter's 16th birthday. I then began to wonder how I'd ever make it through her graduation, wedding, kids and so on.....When I placed her I never looked that far into the future and never relized that signing my name on the dotted line meant that I would risk that chance of not only missing out on her younger years, but also all of the other important events that happened in her life. Does that make since?

I placed in a semi-opne adoption in the late 80's. My birthdaughter contacted me, actually on BirthMother's Day last year

[ChristiBender]

nhgirl
Thanks for the update... and your very open and honest communication about your feelings and situation. I was an adoptee who searched... so it is fascinating to me to read about one who was "found". Funny how different it is.... every situation is so dang unique.... and add the personalities (as you mentioned) and unique becomes quite an understatement!!!

I respect your opinion... totally. I also understand those feelings of "betrayal"... although I obviously feel them to a lesser extent. My afamily would definately have had me NOT find my bfamily. They were "supportive" of the search- but I believe they honestly didn't think it would be "successful" and they DEFINATELY didn't think it would lead to any ongoing relationships. After my first trip to my bfamily's state my amom asked me, "So, are you going to see THOSE people again....?" Well, doesn't that just say it all? ugh...

But, I am responsible for me. And for me I have two families.... the one that wanted me and raised me and accepts me and loves me... and the one that brought me into this world and has welcomed me again. I do believe that if push came to shove blood would not be thicker than ink (so to speak). We are all family.... but I feel strongly that my bfamily considers me an "outsider". I am new. I am "unknown". Expectations and traditions and boundaries are all still being formed. Time will settle things - for sure. Where? Who knows.

Our reunion is going very well... but we all try. We all really try. And that is what makes the difference. We all spend the time - lots of it actually.. and the money.. and put out the emotion to make it real, deep, open, caring. And in spite of that - it isn't like a relationship you have with the people you spent your whole life with. I understand that - even though it hurts sometimes.

And so... in your situation I DO understand how you are more loyal to your afamily. You are more connected to them. More PROtective of them. And you are a good daughter I am sure. There are times when blending both families just isn't a good idea. For some people it happens easily - naturally. For you it seems like a VERY bad idea. For me... well I don't think it would be good.... but time will tell. Maybe in the future.. but I have no plans of introducing anyone physically. It is enough that I bring up my bfamily in discussion with my afamily every couple of months. I don't want to "live the lie".... I also don't want to hurt my afamily. For us this "line walking" seems to be the compromise of the moment.

Thank God for this forum... where we can share - and discuss... and learn to see things from all sides. I commend your courage to keep the doors open, despite your reservations and your fears. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your bfamily... and yourself. Sometimes it is hard to see how important events are WHILE they are happening..... isn't there where the saying "hindsight is 20-20" came from. I hope that for all of us our desire to be true to the situation holds us to the course we are all meant to walk.