[Sea_Turtle]

After much consideration and many, many drafts, my husband decided that we should send the following letter to his possible birth mother, but I wanted to get some other opinions. So, what do you guys think?



Dear Ms. ________,

Hello. My name is Loretta ________. You do not know me, but I have reason to believe that you may have once known my husband, Patrick (Pat). He is adopted, and I have been helping him in searching for his birth mother. This search has led me to you.

Let me begin by giving you the process by which I have come to believe that you are possibly my husband’s birth mother along with some of the information that we have received from Catholic Charities concerning my husband’s birth family. This is considered non-identifying information that an adoptee is allowed to have. It does not contain any names, only information that cannot be used specifically to identify someone. My husband was born February 23, 1973 in Cleveland. I did a search of the birth index in Columbus, which is public record. We were told by Catholic Charities that my husband was not named at birth so I knew to look for a child without a given name that was born to an unwed mother. There was only one that I was able to find as I was only able to get through the G’s during my search appointment. G________ is the name that I found. Various on-line sources helped me in locating information pertaining to the G_________family. You are the only person that we have found that matches Pat’s birth mother’s age and physical appearance as given to us from Catholic Charities.

This is some of the pertinent information that we received from Catholic Charities:
“INFORMATION ON BIRTH MOTHER: added info from non-id here
INFORMATION ON MATERNAL RELATIVES: added info from non-id here”

I know from your driver’s license description that your physical traits are very similar to the above, and that your maiden name is G_________. I have also located some other members of the G_________ family who closely match the ages given for Pat’s birthmother’s siblings and maternal grandparents. Another detail of importance is that Pat’s birthmother was living in the DePaul Maternity Home when he was born.

Are you the person that we are looking for?

If you are, please don’t be alarmed as we have no intention of intruding on your present life, and we are very sorry for any stress that this letter may cause you. We would just like to get some information from you for the sake of our daughter. When I was pregnant with her, the obstetrician asked us questions about both of our families’ health histories and we were not able to answer for his side of the family. This has concerned me as I don’t know what the future may hold for her or any other children that we may have. I understand that this may be a sensitive subject for you, so please take your time in sending correspondence, but please at least return the enclosed post card so that we know you have received our letter and that you may indeed be the person that we are searching for. This way we will know whether or not we need to continue our search.

We will honor your decision should you decide to have no contact with us; however, we would be grateful if you could send along an updated family medical history. We would also love to have a photo of you, but we understand if you’d rather not send one.

Pat wants you to know that he is happy and has had a good life. He is thankful to you for making the decision that you thought was best for him and he has no hard feelings towards you. He is open to future correspondence with you.

Thank you for your time and we look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Loretta ________

I included our mailing and email addresses along with a blank self-adressed, stamped post card.

[ingodshands]

I think the letter is fine. It states who you are looking for, and how you came to think they might be that person. The reasons are given for searching, and the possibility of contact if she is interested is there also.

Now, GO AHEAD AND POST IT!!

GOOD LUCK!!

[kersey19]

Loretta,

I am a birthmom who received a call last December from Catholic Charities about my daughter. We met on December 20. I can tell you that while I always wanted the phone call I still was in shock from the call.

You might consider softening your explanation of how you found information about her. You might just mention that you have conducted thorough research through Catholic Charities and other public records and her name is the most likely match to his birthmother. That really may be all you need to say about the process.

If this is your husband's bmom, she will need reassurances. The first thing she'll want to know is that he is ok and that he had a happy life. You might move that up in your letter.

One more thought -- "Are you the person we're looking for?" might be a little too direct. I can't find a good suggestion (having trouble with forming sentences today) .... maybe someone else will have a suggestion. Once again -- reassurances (like you've written) are important.

Good luck -- I hope you and your husband have success in locating his bmom.

[bizwoman]

Hello,

I am a birth mother also, your letter sounds very business-like, and I guess this is good if you are trying to get the message to her that the only thing you and your husband want from her is medical history and a picture as a curiosity.

If I received your letter in the mail, I would assume that my son had no desire for any type of relationship from me and I would be reluctant to respond, simply because it would open my heart and wounds for nothing. Also, since he would have written nothing to me directly, not even a postscript note at the bottom, I wouldn't think he wanted any contact from me at all and that as his wife you were simply concerned about medical history.

These are just my feelings when reading the letter and I don't mean any disrespect at all.. honestly.. just my feelings/thoughts

Take care,

Brenda

[Sea_Turtle]

Thanks for the responses.

I will get together with my husband and share your thoughts with him.

Pat does want a relationship with her, but at the same time he didn't want her to think that he was trying to force his way into her life. I also think he is trying to guard himself from being hurt if his birthmother chooses not to have a relationship with him. He felt that a letter filled with expectations would turn her off more than one that didn't really have any.

Loretta

[MattC]

I think the beginning would be kind of scary for her. I would take out a lot of the stuff about how you found her. It sounds like you know too much about her in an uncomfortable sort of way. If it is her, she'll know; you don't need to convince her. Birth mothers like to feel safe during these things.

[Sea_Turtle]

I just wanted to let everyone know that we sent the letter, pretty much in its form above. We received the post card back on Saturday and we have found my husband's birth mother! She said that she is very open to correspondence and that she has thought of him at least once a day, every day of the last 31 years. My husband has 2 half sisters, ages 11 & 12. We are so very excited! Thanks to everyone who offered their help to us.

Loretta

[Sea_Turtle]

I just wanted to post a little bit of an update. My husband received a Christmas card from his birth mother on Christmas Eve. It included photos of his 2 half sisters, along with a photo of his birth grandparents, mother, aunts, and uncle. We can see a bit of resemblence with his birth mother and his uncle. This is what the card said:

on the front of the card:
In a perfect world, we'd be together at Christmas...

on the inside:
...but since we're not, I'll be thinking of you just as I do so many other times throughout the year...visiting favorite memories, wondering how you're doing, and sending all my wishes for happiness this Christmas.

her note:

Dear Pat,
I found this card and it went straight to my heart. It is so perfect. I have thought about you every day since the day you were born, lots of times I think about you all day. I never thought I would hear from you again. I was told that records are sealed, and not to try to find you. I am so happy that you looked for me. I am very lucky. I have you have a very merry Christmas! Love, Cat.

There was another note on separate paper on the inside.

We are so excited! My husband's aunt has put together a photo album with pictures from the day Pat's adoptive parents got him until present that we plan on sending to her just as soon as my husband finishes writing his letter.

Thanks for everyone's help and well wishes!

[blankenb4]

Loretta,

I am so happy for you and your husband!!!!! That is so totally awesome here during the holidays. As a birth mother, I liked your letter. I would welcome any letter from my birth daughter. Best wishes for your continued reunion.

Barbara
ISO Bdaughter 6-6-71