[mandy88143]

Hello All-
I guess I am writing for some feedback and support. Let me tell you a little summary of whats going on, about a month and a half ago I found my birthmother and she also was looking for me she had a profile posted looking for me. (posted april of 03) So I E-mailed her and no response. I have sent about three e-mails and then gave up. I know her e-mail could of been changed or maybe she does not know what to do now that she has actually found me.
I have her address and phone number also. I was thinking about writting a letter I would think that would be the next step becasue maybe her e-mail is changed. (but one would think if she is looking for her bdaughter she would make sure everything is updated)

I just dont know what to do next I guess I am just scared she will say she wants nothing to do with me and I have to be ready for that along with the reality she may not be the person I want her to be. I really need to know my past so I can move on to my future without the hurt and sadness I feel now. Don't get me wrong I have the best aparents and I love them to death, but part of me is just not complete its like that missing piece to that 1,500 piece puzzle you have been working on for months. IT'S JUST NOT COMPLETE!!

If you have any feedback it would be greatly appreciated!

PS: If anyone knows any good books on adoption please let me know I have read some but am looking for more! Thank-you

MANDY

[blankenb4]

Mandy,

I say write the letter. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least you will have an answer. Maybe even send it certified so that you know that she got it. And, she may be trying to gather her thoughts about what to say. How long since you have sent them?

Good Luck,

Barbara

[spitzlvr]

Mandy,

Never trust email for something this important. Write a letter.

Keep in mind too, that searching and FINDING are 2 different things. Hoping for a reunion, and having the email in front of you.... well... she may have read it and need to think.

I just found my bFamily on may 17, 2004. If you want to see what I went thru, feel free to hang out in my thread...

How am I supossed to feel?

I am very honest there. And everyone is a great help to me.

Keep us updated!

Mary

[mandy88143]

Barbara-
Thank-you for your reply! The last time I E-mailed her was about a month ago. Can you tell me what a certified letter is? I have heard of them but how does it work!
Thank-you Barbara



Mary-
Thanks-you for your reply! I think I am going to send a letter. If I dont do something it will only continue to stay on my mind and your right E-mail is not something you can always count on! I am going to check out your forum thank-you again for your feedback! I will keep you posted!!

[booper]

Hello, you sound like a very sweet young girl. I wouldn't trust e-mail for an important event like contacting your birth mother. I think writing a letter is an excellent idea. However, I am not so sure about the certified part. Sometimes, people have a hard time getting to the post office to sign for a certified letter when they are not at home to receive it. Also, they could think it was a letter they don't want to receive. I would simply send the letter via regular mail and see what happens. Does she have a telephone listing? If so, maybe you could have someone contact her for you. It is a very good possibility something has happened to prevent her from having access to a computer. There are endless reasons, but rather than dwell on that, I would continue to pursue trying to locate her. If she was trying to find you at one time, surely her feelings haven't changed, just maybe her situation. Good luck!

[nturner]

I say write, call - something. When i was searching for my birthdaughter - I did it so quickly that I didn't really stop to think about all of the repercussions. Make sure you have a good support system because for the birthmom's it is very emotional and somehow i think it is for the adoptees. To take the risk is huge and takes a lot of courage. Just know whatever the outcome - you will be okay.

Good luck and God Bless!
N

[mandy88143]

Booper- Thank-you for your reply! I have been thinking about the letter but now I am thinking about a phone call I do have a number on her! My fiance is willing to call for me! I think I may do that and see what happens. Thank-you for your advice it is greatly appreciated! MANDY




Nturner- Thanks for replying I think I am going to place a call to her! (well im not going to call but my fiance will) and I will see what happens. I have lots of emotions running through me. and I can imagine she would have alot of the same feelings. Thanks again I will let you know how it goes! Mandy

[AntKnee]

Mandy... I also say write the letter. If you don't get a response within a month, then call. I know that as an adoptee I searched and posted on many websites and then sort of forgot about them for a a few years, then decided to try once again. I didn't write anything down the first time I searched so I never remembered what sights I visited or what email address I gave, etc. She could have created an email account that she doesn't check often because she feared getting on spam lists, etc. It is also very possible that she has received your emails, but is now dealing with her own issues/struggles. I know that my bmom received the letter I mailed to her, but took over a month to respond to it. It wasn't that she didn't want contact with me, but only about 3 people in the world knew about me. She had to struggle with how and when she was gonna tell my siblings, her friends, other family members, etc. about me. The wait really stinks, but it can be worth it.

[booper]

Dear Mandy,
The wait will kill you! Go ahead and have your fiance call. He can get the feel of how she is accepting it. Just prepare yourself for whatever might happen. If she is hesitant, have him ask her if she would feel more comfortable with a letter. If so,then write her a nice letter - not rushing anything. Just take it one day at a time. I know I felt like my daughter was pushing me to know everything about me in a matter of one visit. I felt like I was under a microscope and very uncomfortable. I think it is better to go slow and over a matter of time things will all come together. I know she will be thankful you found her and to know you are alive and well. There just may be some issue she must deal with before she feels free enough to communicate with you. Be patient! Good luck and please let me know how it goes.
Booper

[mandy88143]

antknee and Booper-

Thanks for the advice. I really dont want to rush anything and many people have told me she possibly could of gotten the E-mails I sent but she needs to let it all soak in. I understand that but like you said waiting is SO hard. I thought the letter would be a good idea because I didnt want her to feel pushed into anything to soon or to fast, but then I wanted to be sure she got the letter so I thought maybe if my fiance called and just asked if she was interested in contact she could E mail me or we could write back and forth for a while. I dont even know how I would feel talking with her at this point. (its funny to cause according to the address she only lives about 45 min. from me) But anyway thank you both so much! Also do you have any ideas on what I should and shouldn't say in the letter? dont want to scare her in any way or rush things. I mean what do you say Hi I'm your birthdaughter. I dont know how to start the letter.
Ok I keep going on!!!
Thanks again
Mandy

[crayons]

Mandy, If you have seen your firstmom's search posts, it's a pretty good chance she is still trying to find you, I know, I, like so many others have posted in so many places and unless you write them down, you're not going to remember to go back and update them, some don't have a place to let you update. My opinion would be to write her a letter because you already know she was searching, you should go for it and make her one very happy lady :0)

Good luck!

[AntKnee]

Mandy... Everyone's letter is personal to them so I can't tell you what and what not to write. I only know that my bmom claimed that my letter was the most beautiful thing she has ever read. That being said, now knowing her, I probably could have written down ANYTHING and she would have been happy. Anyway, I started off my letter with information that would sort of make her believe/prove that I was who I said I was. I then went on saying that I wasn't sure if she wanted contact and wasn't even sure what I was hoping to get out of it either. I basically told her the truth about how I felt at the time. I then went on and told her a few bits about my life growing up (how much I loved my parents, where I was raised, etc.) and also some things describing my personality and traits that I might have gotten from my biological family in case she didn't want to have contact with me but was interested in knowing something about me anyway.

I ended the letter by thanking her for her time, but most of all, for giving me life. I also enclosed a picture of me with her grandchild (my daughter).

[radcatt]

i am an adoptee who started searching years ago and then thing and circumstances in my life changed and i felt that i needed to wairt awhile so i din't check the boards agains for a couple ears maybe its something like that. My advice is don't give up continue your search odds are that if shes posted before eventually she'll look again. good luck!
cat

[l-thompson]

What a good sign it is knowing that your birthmother has been searching for you too - sounds promising doesn't it...if only you can make that initial contact.
I know my search took many years and in that time I did change internet providers so if any of my birthfamily had tried to make contact I would never have received their email. With email though doesn't it bounce back to you if it isn't "delivered". I know you can also request that you receive notification when a message has been read by the recipient ( hoping of course only the recipient opened it and no one else in the home) Email is so immediate...no waiting for snail mail...however you just don't know if someone else has opened her mail..you just don't know...
With that in mind I agree with the others - a personal letter which can only be delivered to your birthmother or if you are keen to have one last attempt at an email, make sure you get a reply when the message has been read....again this is assuming only your birthmom can access the message....mmmmm....on second thoughts go with the letter.
Because your birthmother has also made attempts to search for you I wouldn't discount a phone call either perhaps not long after you have sent the letter to her. You could maybe mention this in your letter if you feel comfortable with it so it won't come as a bolt out of the blue and totally unprepared.

Good luck - it certainly sounds quite positive - let us know how things go

[mandy88143]

Hi Everyone--

So the call was made to bmom was contacted through a family friend on Friday night!! she was in shock along with myself! She was really nice and wanted contact with me also! We are just sending E-mails for now! She seems to be really nice and is so glad I contacted her!
I am just a little concerend with my amom she knew I was looking for my bmom but now that contact has actually been made she seems to be getting upset! like she thinks I am going to leave her and move in with my bmom and that is not my intention at all! She just doesn't understand and doesn't think my bmom deserves a relationship with me! I dont know what else to say to her for her to understand what I am going through!

Thanks to everyone for your support Love you all!!
Any other advice would be GREAT! Mandy