[semidone2]

I am about to have FIRST CONTACT with my b-son.
He is a 17year old boy. . . very cool/popular guy.

I don't know how to begin to approach this first meeting. I have read posting after posting from mothers about first contact and what they brought with them. I have even read b-father first contact stories;however, those are usually with b-children who are older. Added to this, I will be meeting b-son with b-mother (we are married) as well. I am unclear what are the "male" expectations/rules for this type of stuff. Sorry if I offend, but I have to be honest about the way society behaves in this country. . .I don't like it, I just live it!

On top of bringing myself, I feel like I should bring a "gift". I am sure that my wife (b-mother) will bring a photo album. Lord, I have read enough of the b-mothers in forum talk about THAT being important. What's a DAD to do? What are 17-year old boys interested in (besides the standard Girls, girls, and of course girls). Probably not wise to bring 1 of them, since he already has a wonderful & beautiful girlfriend.

I want something good, but not something that sends the message that I am wanting to "BUY" affection. Any suggestions?

[patrisha]

Hi there,

I am a reunited birth mom (my son is 34) and my 17 year old nephew has been living with me for quite a few years. I can tell you their interests are varied and without knowing what your son is "into" it's hard to make a suggestion.

My first "gift" to my birth son was a memory box. The lid had a built in picture collage and I placed some other family pictures and momento's inside (a shell from his grandfathers 10 gun salute, an old business card from his birth dads band, and a couple of other personal items). I figured he could add to it as we created more memories together.

There are quite a few married birth parents on this forum. I'm hoping some of them catch this thread and offer some ideas.

Good luck!

Trish

[bridges]

Semi,

I've been out for a couple of weeks. Did your reunion with your son already happen? If not, I have a sixteen year old daughter and a seventeen year old "foster" son. I could get you some more perspective, if you are interested? I do know he is interested in a lot of things beyond his girlfriend.

Carolyn Kay

[semidone2]

My reunion is not going to happen until the 9th of July (OMG! That is only 3 days from now!!)

I will gladly take any advice anyone has to give . . . .

[kersey19]

I may be naive in my thinking -- but any gift from you will be important. I gave my daughter a necklace with a charm I had received in college. She wears it every day. My suggestion is to give him something that is yours that has a special meaning to you. Maybe that's a watch, a special picture in a frame -- the gift itself isn't as important as the fact it is from you and is a part of you. It will be something that can remind him daily of your love.

Good luck with your reunion. It is intense and emotional -- AND it is the most wonderful experience. I reunited with my daughter December, 2003. I wish you and your wife the best. -- Jill

[m26d15]

ok, a little different situation, but i reunited with my bdad a year ago, a year ago today actually!!, and i'm a girl so a little different. but at the first actual meeting he gave me a variety of gifts...a journal, a photograph he had taken...and because we were at his family home, he pointed out a family keepsake that he had always wanted to give me....(this was over the course of a week visit...)

but the thing is, you could bring anything, its sweet the thought....but the most important gift my dad gave me was that he didn't get caught up in all that stuff you were talking about. he didn't get caught up in "male" expectations. he cried, freely...he made this sound when he hugged me...this sort of sigh of relief, that i'll never forget...he answered all of my questions without hesitation, he asked me questions about myself...he told me over and over how very proud he was of who i became...

he didn't try to keep it together. he didn't try to impress me. he just acted naturally, any emotion that surfaced, he let show... Because in the end, this is a process, and you are being kind enough to think of your son, and are preparing to do what is best for him...but you are going through this huge wave as well. Don't cheat yourself out of experiencing it, in an effort to make it this wonderful experience for everyone else. Just be. Just let it happen.

You want to experience this in all of its emotional uneasiness. Joy and sorrow. You certainly cannot contain or control it... For me, it was clearly a defining moment of my life. A day I'll never forget. So much joy, and then so much sorrow. You may find that you start to sort of grieve this life that could have been...

But you want to be present in the moment. So don't sweat it. He'll love you. My dad is far from perfect. His gifts didn't sway my vote. He has made huge mistakes and come through gloriously at other times. He's just my dad. And I love him just for him. And as an adoptee, you can see the longing in your birthparents eyes...you can see how they just want you to accept them...and frankly, as adoptees, we're worried about the same things...

So let it happen. The greatest gift you can give him is to experience this with him. To be present, and open, and let him know you're in this together. That this rollercoaster of reunion isn't a race, it's a long steady ride that you'll take together.

I know how terrifying it can be those few days leading up to it. But hang in there, its a beautiful thing, and i'm so happy you've found your son. And just because he's 17, doesn't mean that he wants to act cool all the time. Sheesh, at 17, you are dying for an excuse to let your emotions out... Have fun, experience it for all its worth, and let us know how it goes...

take care, m26

[bridges]

While he didn't read the post, my 17-year-old son would agree with m26:

So let it happen. The greatest gift you can give him is to experience this with him. To be present, and open, and let him know you're in this together.

Personally, I'd also stress, Give the gift of honesty.

When I asked my 17-year-old, his reply was "Forget gifts, do something together." Now I realize that you can't run off with him on the first contact. But just then and there plan that second contact -- that time when it's just you two guys. Yes, I realize that you'll have to have his aparents permission. But I am sure at 17 there are some things that would be o.k.

My 17-year-old said, "Let the girls do the photo thing." Even so, I know he likes small tokens that say I care. So what small tangible item do you have that was important to you as a teen that you could pass on to him, not something of monetary value, but something that tells him who he is.

Semi, you have my prayers for wisdom and for joy. God bless you.

Carolyn Kay

[kersey19]

M26 -- your post is beautiful! Semi -- this may be the best advice I've seen so far. Good luck and please keep us posted. -- JIll

[kersey19]

How are you doing Semidone? Good luck tomorrow -- remember to breath! Let us know how things go.....Jill

[bridges]

Semi,

I was just signing on to tell you that I'm thinking about you and your family. I see Jill beat me to the punch. But just so you'll know we care...

Let us know ... If you need about a week to sort it all out, we'll understand that, too.

In case you were wondering, I shortened your name because I don't think of you as semidone (such as half-baked). I think of you as one of those powerful trucks. So I know this reunion is gonna go great!

Carolyn Kay

[m26d15]

I'm with the others...just here to wish you luck!!! Take care and let us know how it goes!!

All the best, m26

[m26d15]

oh, ps. thanks kersey for the sweet compliment on my advice...you never really know if what you think holds weight for others!! but thank goodness for this forum, it has taught me so very much!! take care, m26

[semidone2]

Awesome? . . Hell, it was AWE FULL!! I feel happier than a puppy with 2 peters!

"Thank you" to everyone who offered your generous support and advice.

There were so many great things that happened that I can't begin to tell anyone about it. I am still "processing" it all right now. Let me mention a few things:

1) There are more things that are genetically related than you ever thought were possible. It was staggering how similar he and I are. . and how much like TWINS he and my son are. His father commented that it was like being in a time warp seeing and reacting with my son. He could not believe how much that the 2 boys were similiar. If not for the 10 year difference you would never know they were the same child!

2)His relationship with his siblings in our family was immediate! I was warned that it would be a quick bonding, but this was FAST! My 5 yr-old jumped into her brother's arms and wouldn't let go of him for the rest of the weekend! It was immediate LOVE!! The 7 year old immediately fell into a natural brotherly competition mood with his new brother. They played cards, basketball, and other things with a fever that you only see between brothers! It was very sweet!

3) After our initial meeting, we went to the parking lot and discovered that I had a flat tire. He followed me over to Sam's Club to get a new tire. While they were putting the tire on the car, he and I walked around and "sampled" (a favorite pasttime of me and my kids). I discovered that we have similar tastes in music and have the same sense of humor! It was refreshing to be with him and bounce witty comments off each other. It was like we had been rehearsing a routine for years!

We have exchanged emails and instant messenger ids, so I am hopeful that more contact is in the future!!

Thanks again to everyone for your support!

Dave

[kersey19]

Congratulations Dave -- I am so glad things went well. Enjoy these moments -- they are so special.

[m26d15]

I'm so happy for you!!! Enjoy this, it is a wonderful time!! take care, m26