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Old 06-12-2004, 08:18 AM
thesearchguru thesearchguru is offline
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Exclamation ~Contact Etiquette~

Best Way to Make Contact for a Successful Reunion

It's important to realize that the most crucial part of the reunion is the first contact. If the first contact isn't handled with sensitivity and respect for the other persons privacy it can forever alter the outcome of the reunion.

Its wise to never assume that the person you are trying to contact will be as excited to be found as you are excited to find them. The other person probably will be thrilled to be contacted...however don't assume this and let the excitement of the moment propel you into making a rash decision to make a phone call and surprise them.

I strongly encourage everyone to send a letter for the first contact and not to make a phone call or knock on a door. The letter from an adoptee should include a family picture if married or a casual snapshot if single. A birth parent should include one taken about the time of the adoptee's birth and a current snapshot.

A phone call can be more instantly gratifying and has worked for many people. However, it can also bring any possible reunion to an immediate end if the birth parent you are searching for hasnt told other members of their family about the relinquishment. A birth relative may want to know more about you through correspondence before talking on the phone. The person being contacted may also need processing time to consider your request. What you dont want to do is create a deer in the headlights syndrome and force them to make a quick decision if they were not expecting to hear from you.

The most powerful contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contacting the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. Its not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your birth parents are living or where the adoptee is living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. If you are using a search angel or a professional searcher to assist you in your search make sure that you advise your search assistant what contact rules are important to you in your search.

Be optimistic and respectful and give yourself time to make the contact in a way that will give your reunion the greatest chance of success. Above all, if possible, avoid making an unsolicited phone call that may be perceived by the other person as "Hi Honey...I'm home!" There are exceptions to every rule but it is best to be safe rather than sorry.

Be prepared to wait for a response. If the person you are looking for has also been actively searching for you then you probably will get a quick response. If they havent been looking for you it may take one to three months before they respond to your letter. The burden of patience falls on the person who initiated the contact, whether that person was the birthparent or the adoptee. When you contact someone, you take them by surprise. Whether it's a positive surprise or a negative one, chances are that person will need time to adjust.. If you havent heard from them after one to three months I would suggest writing a second letter.

Other great websites to check out: Forums - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws -
Adopting - Adopt a Baby, Child, Infants, Kids, Older, Services, International, Information China -
Adoption Registry - Records, Reunion Registries, Adoptees, Search Reunite

Last edited by Sniffles : 05-28-2007 at 08:19 AM. Reason: Thread cleanup
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Old 07-02-2004, 10:06 AM
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tomutterback tomutterback is offline
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new at this

I see you ar the guru,, I am new to this , I have been searching on the web for a year almost to be registered so that I may be found, I have no idea what I am doing. Any advice?
Old 07-02-2004, 04:00 PM
thesearchguru thesearchguru is offline
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Exclamation Posting options:

Welcome to the Search and Reunion Message Board!

For ease in others reading these many messages it would help to post as a “new thread” and to include the following information in the subject line PLUS in the content of the message:

gender of adopted person
date of birth
city of birth
state of birth

For example: male 01/01/1960 Chicago Illinois

Other people reading the message board will be more likely to identify with this basic information and will be more likely to read your complete message and contact you if there is a match.

Also post in the message boards for “Search and Reunion by State” and “Search and Reunion by Year” for the best exposure for your search information.

Other great websites to check out: Forums
Adoption Lists - Photolistings, Support Groups, Mailing Lists - Agency, Exchange, Failed, Feel, Find - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws -
Adopting - Adopt a Baby, Child, Infants, Kids, Older, Services, International, Information China -
Adoption Registry - Records, Reunion Registries, Adoptees, Search Reunite

Last edited by Sniffles : 05-28-2007 at 08:53 AM.
Old 07-30-2004, 12:15 AM
lemondrop lemondrop is offline
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I just wanted to thank you for the information you posted on my "thread"? I'm new to this. I took what you sent me and went right to work calling and getting the ball rolling in finding my baby brother! I sure hope to find him soon!!!! It'll be the final piece to my puzzle and I can't wait to meet him. Thanks to my grandma, who had stayed in contact with my sisters adopted parents, we are now reunited. ) Love to you..........Robyn
Old 07-31-2004, 11:48 AM
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LbarL98 LbarL98 is offline
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thoughts on contacting bio brothers and sisters


I'm curious as to your or anyones suggestions that my help my predicament.

I have had direct contact with my bio-father and one of his five children. The son who happens to be an attorney and his father have made it clear that further contact with my half/bio brothers and sisters is unwelcome.

I have continued emails with both and have received conversational replies from the atty/bio-brother but I feel he was more concerned with analyzing the threat impact rather than constructive discourse.

In the meantime, I've gone silent with the father and brother but hired a PI and now have the addresses of my 4 other bio siblings who range in age from 34 to 40.

A fairly reliable guess is the remaining family is unaware of my existence.

Any thoughts as to how/if to proceed?

Old 02-24-2005, 08:24 AM
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6boysrus 6boysrus is offline
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Search Etiquette when not sure

Thought I'd post here since our search is slightly different than a "for sure" match.

Quick brief..
My sister and I reunited on this board last November. Niether of us knew that either of us existed until my sister was looking for our birthmother. Our situtation is quite unique as our mothers name is Not a common one- esp in the US.

I was born in 67, sister in 68. birthmother was married in 1969. Birthmother was NOT a US citizen, but came on Visa to US. With the help of a PI, we found out she returned to her homeland after getting married in the US.

Our search turned international. I was fortunate that I was adopted by an immagrant polish family. My first language is Polish. I learned to read write and speak and also have family in Poland.

Through a contact made in Poland I was able to obtain addresses of women with the same name and same birthyear of our mother. I rec'd 6. One of which is deceased.

Our letter had to be generic of sorts because we can not pinpoint the exact person as we dont have a exact birthdate of our mother.

So here is my best translation into English as to how our letter was written.

Dear Mrs. xxxx,

Surely this letter will come as a surprize to you. It is our desire to introduce ourselves. Our names are xxxxx and xxxxxx xxxxx. The actual maiden name of our mother who in 1969 was married and her current name is xxxxxx.
We rec'd information that she was of Polish origin and returned to Poland. It will surely interest you why we are looking for such a person. Consequently we are her daughters, and like each of us, would like to meet out biological mother.
If our meeting would not be possible for reasons undertermined, this we would understand. Much time has passed since the moment of our mother's departure and we do not belong to such persons that wish to disrupt happiness and peace in the family.
But with much sincerity we greatly desire to find our mother and make contact with her.
Since then, we are both married and have very good lives. We wish to return our gratitude to our mother.
Our married names are xxx and xxx.
We are waiting with earnest desire for positive news for which we are thankful for from up above.
With Sincere Best Wishes,

It sounds a tad dry.. but the translation from Polish to English always is. It sounds so much better to me when its said in

Anyhow, I wanted to share so that others who are searching that have more than one possible match. This may help you draft your own letter.

Good Luck.. Yvonne
Bio-Sister of Adoptee "Joanne1968" =reunited Nov 2004

Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance.
~St. Augustine
Old 03-31-2005, 01:29 PM
lassie97 lassie97 is offline
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Red face Photo ok in first letter of contact??

I have mailed my first letter of contact to my birthmother this past week. I didn't want to put her on the spot by calling. I mailed a family photo with a short letter, but was just told by my P.I. not to include a photo. Any reason why you think I shouldn't have sent a photo? I got very nervous when I hung up the phone--oh my goodness, did I blow it?? I was happy to read your posting (search guru) above saying to include a photo. WHEW!
p.s. Now keep your fingers crossed that she'll answer.........

Last edited by lassie97 : 03-31-2005 at 01:31 PM.
Old 05-22-2006, 12:59 PM
sosadwithoutthem sosadwithoutthem is offline
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I wish someone could help me find the way to contact anyone who could tell me about adoption. I talked to the state of florida and they told me my kids were adopted not to long ago. Can someone tell me how to cope?

Old 06-16-2006, 09:50 AM
katlyn katlyn is offline
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sosadwithoutthem posted...

I wish someone could help me find the way to contact anyone who could tell me about adoption. I talked to the state of florida and they told me my kids were adopted not to long ago. Can someone tell me how to cope?
I wish there were some specific words of comfort that would make the hurt easier to bear right in the moment, but there aren't any. My best advice is to find a support group in your area, hopefully someone here can tell you how to best go about finding one, or you could do as I did and find someone straight out of the phone directory. I got lucky and found a wonderful woman whom I spent two and a half years sharing my deepest sorrows and she pointed me in the direction of sanity. I know it is hard, I haven't been through your particular experience, but you do have support here as well. I have found an outlet for my griefs and fears here, and I hope you find the same. Sending you Hugs and thoughts are with you


Old 03-07-2007, 04:40 PM
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JenMcHall JenMcHall is offline
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Question Making First Contact w/ Birth Father?

I am ISO my birthfather and have several leads, however, I seem to be stuck. I'm at a point where I may have to write to more than one person that matches up. My birthmother had passed away before I found her, so I don't have much info and I can't afford to hire a professional (much less, trust them).

My question is, how should I word a letter to someone that "might" be my father. Should I be honest and up front that I'm looking for my birthfather or not be so "to the point" and just bring up my mother's name and where she lived and see if he remembers her?

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