[scrapcharm]

Oh how I wish, everyday I could be as excited about finding my birthmother as I was at the start. It's certainly not due to our lack of love or bonding for each other, because goodness people - I am lucky - I have it all! She is a most AMAZING woman and we have SO much in common and I love her so incredibly much.
So why is it so hard to be excited? Because I have the most unsupportive adoptive mother (I would say ever, but I am sure there are other's out there!!). I am so completely confused and frustrated with my adoptive mother's attitude about my biological family. It's like walking on egg shells around her and I've learned over the past few years just to shut up or ship outta there fast. I cannot share anything pertaining to my reunion - not facts, not questions, not anything. My a. mother wants nothing to do with it, which is killing me. She was not in support of my search though she knew I was doing it, and knew when I found my b.grandfather, brother and mother. I cannot even remember how MUCH I've told her because the lack of understanding or compassion for the "other mother" is so NON existant. So why am I posting this now? Oh goodness. Well, we've been tele/email/snail mail reunited for approx. 8 years. This past November, was the first time we ever got to see each other face to face. It was amazing. She came to visit me for a week and we couldn't get enough of each other. Of course for the ENTIRE week I had to avoid my a. mother! It was horrible (she lives in the same town!). My a. brother even met my b. mom but nope - not my a. mother. So here is my problem.
I am getting married in May of next year. We are beginning to make our plans now, and get our guest list together so we can start booking places, etc. I want to invite my biological mother and her husband (my new step dad) and even my siblings to my wedding. They all know that they will not have a place in the wedding party but are only wanting to attend. Of course I want this so much it's hard to explain. But I have NO idea how to handle this with my adoptive mother. I cannot and will not INTENTIONALLY hurt her, but I guess if that is how I see it now, then I can't possibly invite my biological family to my wedding. My fiance wants them there too, which makes it all the harder. What oh what do I do? I have no idea how to handle this? We've talked about NOT telling my a.mother who she is (though even my future mother in law has met my b.mom and adores her LOL so hiding this is going to be a LOT harder than imagineable). Several friends will be in my wedding party who helped me search and will be dying to meet my biological family will be there as well. What in the world should I do? How do I approach this? Do I just go ahead and invite them and not say anything to my adoptive mother? And then maybe after the wedding sit down and tell her who they were? I am TERRIFIED if I tell her before the wedding she will not show up! Ugh! I don't know what to do as you can see. LOL Any help/advice/comments are so strongly appreciated!!

Thanks you guys!

Nicole
reunited happily with birthmom & 3 half-siblings in 1995-1997
searching for birth parent(s) of baby boy born 8/31/69 in St. Louis, MO
searching for birthparent(s) baby boy born 12/26/78 in Houston, TX

[chrismh]

Nicole,

I'm a bmom, and I would love to see my bdaughter married. I only have one thing to say. Its your, YOUR, wedding. Hopefully the only one you will have. Your future husband knows, and wants your bmom there, as do you, so why not. I know it may hurt your amom, but, explain, if you can, she will be acknowledged as the mother of the bride. I'm sure she wants this to be a happy day for you, and is only worried about what people will think. Can't remember if you said if others on her side know about you or not. Maybe some of her close friends don't and shes worried about what they will think. You can't control what she thinks, or feels. You do have control over how you feel and what you want. Good luck, keep posting.

Chrismh

[Mom2J]

Nicole,

I also agree with chrismh. This is YOUR wedding and YOUR day. You should have anyone at that wedding, that you want. It's not about your amom, it's about you and your fiance'.

Now, will it hurt you to not have your birthmom there? I'm having a little problem with the "not telling amom" about inviting bmom. Do you think your amom will not go to the wedding if she knows the bmom will be there? Is this the fear for not telling? I can understand that fear and maybe the secrecy, if this is the situation. Also, what about if the fiance' is the one to invite? Is that an option? (Okay, I'm thinking out loud here.)

K.

[mlbsands]

Nicole,

how long befor you wedding?? Is there time to tell her now and let the "sting" go away prior to thw wedding???

As a soon to be a-mom I can understand why she might be having some issues with this.. and while I do not know why she did not have bio- children.. I can only assume she is jealous.. (with our pending adoption we will have a full open adoption so our new son/daughter will never have to "Search")

I have a 15 y/o foster daughter who not only has a bio mom but also an a-mom.. I love her SOOOO much and yet I know that everyday she years to be with her bio mom.. I am the one that cares for her, the one that loves her, the one that she talks about boys to, but I am also the one the has to make her do her homework, and ground her, and teach her when she is being mean.. yet she always feels like "if only I were with my bio mom my life would be perfect".. (her quote)..

my point it.. it is very hard to know that you love someone so much.. and yet this person see's someone else as "perfect"..

Even if you have not said that to her.. she may be thinking that.. plus since you have been so excited, it may appear that way.. (I do think you have every right to be that excited... I would be too)..

So.. have you tried maybe carving out some special mom/daughter time with your a-mom?? just showing her how much you love her and how she is still your mom?? I would suggest maybe a weekend away and do NOT talk about your bio-mom.. but rather take time to show excitement at spending time with her.. then.. work on telling her how much you love her and how you are not thinking of "replacing" her with your bio mom..

I also feel though that you should be able to have both at your wedding.. if you start working on that now.. then maybe it will work out ok..

if not.. and you feel that it would be too much to deal with (both of them at the wedding).. then maybe ask your bio mom and family to go to the wedding itself (usually the parents of the bride or too busy to notice who is there until the reception).. and then maybe not come to the reception..

Anyway.. keep us posted and good luck!!!!

Hi There,

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I did want to ask some questions though. How was your relationship with your amom before you searched? Have you attemted to talk to her about her feelings? We see constantly how bmoms and adoptees are needing of understanding if one pulls away....don't aparents deserve the same understanding? Yes, she may have many insercurities....we all do in this triad....and we all ask for understanding and we are all derserving of understanding. I think it is great you have a good relationship with your birthmom and it is indeed a shame that amom can not be part of that. Is she feeling left out....is she feeling replaced?

Have you assured her that your love for her doesn't change just because you found bmom. Did you assure her that it doesn't have to be one or the other?

I*n my case...and in my case only...I did not have a reunion with bmom when I got married....but I am pretty confident that if I did, I would never want to hurt my amom...that was one of my biggest fears. She was supportive of my search, but I knew deep down that she must be having some feelings of fear...she never voiced them....but the last thing I ever could have done was hurt her in any way. She was my mom, she held the honor of being mother of the bride and if I thought having bmom there would have caused any dis comfort, I would have to say no I could not invite them. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but it is my honest feelings

Donna

[kiwi]

Nicole, You absolutely need to establish with your amom NOW that you will have who you want at your wedding, including your bmom. Reading your situation makes me sad because I have a friend who went through nearly your exact situation. Amom was so selfish, didn't want my friend to talk to her bmom at all.

It was really important to my friend to at least invite her bmom to her wedding... my friend felt it was the least she could do to include her. The amom told my friend a few weeks before the wedding that she wouldn't come if the bmom were there. I was appalled by this. But it got worse, because of that, my friend and her fiancee personally invited the bmom without the amom's knowledge... of course she wanted her Mom to be at her wedding, but her mom wasn't the one getting married! It was my friend's day!!!

So at the wedding, the bmom got there, dropped off a gift, sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone. After the ceremony, she hugged my friend and her new husband and left.

However, the amom saw the bmom come in and blew a gasket. All of the bridesmaids were getting ready and straightening the bride's train and her amom comes in and YELLS at her!! Honest to goodness, she raised her voice and said "how could you do this to ME"
It was utterly terrible to see my friend walking down the isle crying because her mom had just yelled at her.
Since then, their relationship has been strained at best. I think it is really important to establish right away what your expectations are.

Even at my own wedding, my divorced parents and Dad's new wife were all going to be involved. There had been a lot of hostility between them all so right off I told them "If ANY of you cause a problem, I'm kicking you all out and the rest of the wedding party is aware of this and will help enforce it"
So establish right off what your expectations are. I know if it came right down to it, I'd rather have a peaceful setting minus my parents, than have them there making me cry.

[Mil]

Hi Nicole, I agree with kiwi that you should let your amom know upfront now that your bmother and her husband will be there. It gives her plenty of time to adjust to it. She might be mad at first, but would she want to miss her daughter's wedding??? I doubt it.

I am both a bmother and an amother. I am in a wonderful reunion with my bson and while I don't have the wedding situation to contend with (he was 27 and already married) we do have to deal with his amother not be real supportive of the situation. His afather was supportive of the search, but his mother wasn't. We've met and have been at several functions together, but it was VERY uncomfortable. Like they didn't want anyone to know who I was. She's usually very friendly when we get together, but certain situations 'set her off'. We were invited for a 'family party' for my son's birthday and she was VERY unfriendly to everyone. And the next day she was very nasty to my son and daughter-in-law, saying that this was a very special occasion and SHE (meaning me, of course) shouldn't have been there. I was very hurt by that and was upset for weeks. I finally talked to a friend who is a pastor and told him the situation. And he asked me if I could just forget it and go on, as it's not MY problem, it was hers. He said there is nothing that my son or I can do to change how she feels and that this is something she will have to work out for herself. And I think that pretty much pertains to your situation too. Your amother just has to deal with her feelings and you fussing about it won't change things. My opinion (and it's only MY opinion!) is that you should tell her that you're inviting your bmother and her family and let it go at that.

[scrapcharm]

Hey girls, Thank you SO much for your many replies. I am sorry I didn't get back sooner, we were out of town and then I have been looking at new houses and not been on the computer. I was really impressed with the replies I recieved and thought that I should probably clarify better my situation, which I am assuming I didn't state clearly at the start. I apologize.

Ok, I have been reunited with my birth mom for 8 years. When I was searching for my birth mother, I told my adoptive mother and her only words were "I always knew YOU would." (I have a younger adopted brother as well) She never hid the fact from me that I was adopted, but I remember thinking it was unacceptable to tell just "anyone", though I Remember talking to friends about it and I know many people DID know about the fact that her kids were adopted. During my search I found out many disturbing facts about my b.family over the years and I shared them with my adoptive mother. Her reply at that time (yes more than 8 years ago) was "If we had known all that, we'd have never taken you. Why didn't they tell us?" I was floored. Unfortunately that wasn't the best thing to say to me because I resent her for that. She never apologized and it still haunts me often. My a. mom and I don't have the closest relationship anyway. I try very hard to maintain what there is but we are two VERY diff. people. She is quiet, private, and lives a fairly "stuck-up" (I cannot think of another word because she isn't exactly "snobbish" but close) life. I on the other hand, am high-energy, loud, and pretty much happy go lucky. That has made for hard times throughout all my life. (funny I am just like my b.mom!) A little over a month ago, we got a chance to spend some time together without my children around just her and I, in another state, (cousin's wedding) and she sat across the table from me during a nice breakfast (at least i was enjoying it) and said "You know, I can only take about 10 minutes of you at a time and then I need a long break" I just stared at her. I had no idea what to say and what she expected me to say so I finally just said "Yeah I think I kinda got that, thanks." And that was it. She tells me all the time I need to calm down (well 'scuse me, but I like who I am and so does my friends, birth family and my fiance). Nobody else is trying to change me, why must she? I don't spend time trying to change her! Even though I don't understand her, I'm not changing her! Geez. Anyway, Since that comment many years ago about not "taking me", I have refrained from discussing my birth mother and family with her. It has popped into conversations accidentally over time, but I don't act weird about it and I just act as if it's normal and move on. (See it IS Normal in my life and I feel like I am living two lives).
Yes, I am afraid if I tell my a.mom that my b.mom is coming to my wedding (She's making my cake topper!) she won't come. Yes, I very much want her there. Yes there is plenty of time to hopefully take the "sting" away. YES my mother knows by now that she means the world to me (I call her daily, tell her I love her ALL the time, call to check up on her, call when I'm worried about her, in fact if anything I'm probably annoying her!) But she lives in a hoighty toighty world that I don't belong to - here lemme explain - they have three jaguars and an elante between her and my step dad. They live in a HUGE house in a classy neighborhood. I'm probably AVERAGE. She won't come to my house, she doesn't make time for me (for my kids she does), I generally just annoy her and I know that, but I cannot let her go and I know she knows that too. I include her in EVERY decision I make. I include her in EVERYTHING i can possibly include her in! We invite her to every school function, usually she doesn't come.
Then there's my bio mom. This woman would fly in daily to see me if she could. She writes me loved filled letters several times a week, we call each other once a week (sometimes twice a week) and talk for hours. We have SO much in common and our relationship has never faultered for a moment. Her love is so present it's scary. When I call she drops everything and gives me her undivided attention. She's there when I want to talk about something (a.mom NEVER wants to hear about my problems or be someone I can bounce ideas off). I'm one huge disappointment to one mother and the best thing that has ever happened to another mother. It's weird and I hate it. My birth mom is SO awesome when I talk about my a. mom. She looks at everything from both angles, she said she'd be fine with not coming to my wedding to protect my a.mom's feelings, but that is NOT what my fiance or I want. We want her there. I just don't know how to go about dealing with the whole thing. I mean, who's going to know she's my biological mother? ok, so we look ALOT alike, but I don't think anyone will notice! And I don't know how to talk to my a.mom. LOL I sound so whiney and I Don't mean to, I am just so confused and torn. I love both of my mother's dearly and want them BOTH There just as much, so that makes things a bit hard.

If I didn't answer something, please let me know and I promise to reply a lot quicker. Thanks guys for all your support AND advice!!
Nicole

[BabsCanada]

Wow....
(I keep introducing myself all the time, hopefully my introduction always is the same) - I am an a-mom in an open relationship with b-mom. My dd is only 7 years old, so a wedding is very, very far off! but I expect that b-mom will be there, and I of course would never have a problem with that.
There's no comparing open era to closed though. I believe that some a-moms of the closed era are simply incapable of accepting their child's birthparent.
I think the largest problem here is your own relationship with your a-mom, and it sounds pretty toxic. How sad.
So the only experience I can offer you, is what happened when I got married. My parents divorced when I was 18. I have enjoyed an excellent relationship with my mom all my life; my dad was pretty tough during my growing up years, and after the divorce, I only saw him occasionally, like Christmas. When I was planning my wedding at age 24, I asked him to walk me down the aisle. He refused, saying he would not do it knowing that my mother would be in the church. I was so upset with him, and considered asking my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, but I didn't - hubby and I decided to alter tradition, and the bridal party all walked down the aisle in partners, us last, and no one gave me away. (Which wasn't really a huge loss for me anyway, I think the 'giving away' part is too medieval). Our video shows the moment when, signing the register or whatever, I look up into the balcony and see my dad up there, with his wife and his sister (no other guests up there, all were on the main floor - to this day, I don't know how he managed to convince the church to let him up into the closed balcony, but whatever). I was crying then, I just thought it was awful that he couldn't sit in the same church as his ex-wife, even when there were 300 other people in there. But -
He did come, didn't he? On his terms, I guess, but I didn't really have to sacrifice anything I wanted. I've often wondered, if I'd said, I won't tell Mom I'm getting married, will you walk me down the aisle then. He probably would've. But there was no, no way it was going to happen that way. As in your situation - your mom will come but only if birthmom doesn't. And you want them both there. And you should.
So you have the same sort of not-close relationship with your mom that I had with my dad. You need to say to her, This Is My Wedding and I Choose The Guest List. I Will Invite My Birthmother. If You Choose To Sit In The Balcony, I Will Still Be Glad To See You There. I Want You To Share In My Day. I Want My Birthmother To Share In My Day. This Is How It Is.
As a peace offering, could you allow your a-mom some special part in the celebration? Although I suspect that she will be so unhappy with the fact that birthmom will be there, that she will refuse any part of it. I'm just thinking, if in the traditional introduction of the wedding party and parents, if the acknowledgement of her as the bride's mother would make her more comfortable. I wouldn't probably make a formal introduction of your birthmother as your birthmother (but how wonderful that so many in your wedding party are eager to meet her!)
Toxic relationship aside, I think your mom is just of an era where birthmothers never reappeared, and I'm not saying that's right, but that's where she is. If you can string together enough words to say, You are my mother, I want you there, I hope you'll be a part of the ceremony, but I am going to have my birthmother in attendance.
Any help? I know, it's a very tough situation.
I wish you the best. And congrats!!!
Babs

[mlbsands]

When we got married we were concerned about my husbands mom and step mom both being at the wedding.. in 20 years they have never been able to be in the same room.. my husband basically told both of them how much he loved them.. but that this was our wedding and he wanted to invite them both and have them both there.. he told them both that they were more than welcome to attend and he wanted them there but ONLY if they would behave.. if they did not, they would be asked to leave.

They both came.. his mom was VERY nice to all (includind dad and step mom).. dad and stepmom were ok, but stayed "distant".. to this day they say they regret not being more adult and enjoying more of the "festivities" simply becasue they could not "get along"..

So.. if you want them both there., and you don't want to "choose" between them.. let your mom's know that and invite them both.. then its up to them to "behave" ..

maybe one thing to tell your a-mom (if its ok with you) is that SHE will be the "mother of the bride" that day.. and that your b-mom will be a close family friend.. and no one will steal "her thunder".. but again.. only if thats ok with you..

Good luck and let us know what you decide..

Mandy

[Carol Bird]

I get so angry when I read letters from Adoptees whose a-family (especially Mom) continue to hang a guilt trip on them for wanting a relationship with their biological family.

You don't PURCHASE children; you adopt another person's child to raise and love and nurture.
You don't OWN a child, either biological or adopted.

If you truly LOVE your adopted child, you will do all in your power to make his/her life as happy as possible---even to the point of sharing her/him with her/his biological family...ESPECIALLY to that point.

Sorry, but I have little compassion for adoptive parents who won't understand a natural attachment and natural need to KNOW your own identity.

I'm a birthmother! My daughter's parents were a wonderful, mature couple who understood that our daughter was MY daughter too. Even though we didn't know one another at the time of the adoption (and through her first 32 years of her life), when our daughter reunited with me in December 1986, her entire A-family-- Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother-- welcomed me as a part of their family. They weren't just cordial, they were warm and caring. My daughter's mom raised her to love and respect me. She told me that throughout our daughter's growing up years she frequently thought of me. Ironically, it was she who helped to make the reunion happen.

My daughter's mom and dad shared their entire extended family with me.
The grandchildren (two girls, now in the late teens) have been a part of my life throughout their lives. They actually boasted about having THREE grandmas.

My relationship with her parents did not end with their deaths, either. It goes on and on in my memory and they will be loved till the day I die. That relationship proved that reunions CAN be happy on both the biological and adoptive sides when both sides truly love the adoptee. Only love can do that.

I think adoptees need to lovingly introduce that fact to their adoptive parents. The A-family does not OWN the adoptee--nobody can own another person! While the adoptee should always give the a-family her/his love and respect, they must make it clear that they are not a purchased piece of property and do not owe total feality to them, or anyone else for that matter.

THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, MANDY. You should have a right to invite anyone you want to attend.

My brother and I are children of divorce. I was two and he was almost four when our parents parted. Both remarried. Our father married when I was eight and within a year his wife gave him another son. My brother and I were raised by our father and saw our mother every few weekends, the summers, and half of each holiday.

My stepmother, though she had never met my mom, hated her with a passion. The years passed, and when my brother was in his 30s, he found a lovely young woman and decided to marry.

One of the first things he did was to tell our Dad and step mom that ALL of his family would be a part of the wedding. ALL -- the half-siblings on both sides AND THE PARENTS and extended family. He didn't have to tell our Mom, she'd have come uninvited.

Need I tell you EVERYBODY attended. My stepmom wasn't happy, but Dad enjoyed the event tremendously. It wasn't until after my father's death in 1975 that my stepmom and my mother actually became friends of a sort. It was at my brother's 50th birthday.

Our situation was very similar to that of adoptees; we had a fear of hurting one side and struggled through life trying to be fair to both sides. What a waste; they would have made us much happier if they'd have accepted the fact that we were a part of BOTH families. (I never married, so there was no problem there).

Put your foot down and tell it like it is, Mandy. Tell them you love them dearly, but you have a strong attachment to your biological family, too ...and you want all the people you love and hold dear to be a part of that wedding.

Good Luck and Hugs,
Carol Bird
(Check out the article "MY DAUGHTER'S MOM" in the Article Archives of Adoption Week e-magazine.)

[cara j]

Mandy, Your birthmother should not have to miss out on seeing her daughter marry just because your adoptive mother has can't behave in an adult way about this and be grateful for the woman who brought you made your adoption possible, instead of bitter.

[cara j]

oops, typo ... should be "brought you into the world and made your adoption possible ......"

[l-thompson]

Speaking as a Mother - and I don't care whether a/mother or b/mother - surely your childs happiness is all that matters???
Surely love of your child is unconditional??? The best interest of your child always...isn't that the deal with being a parent???
Why would a parent want to make their child feel guilty or torn or divided in their loyalties??

It just makes me feel so sad that anyone would have to go through this. Unfortunately, we are all only human.

Nicole...be happy. Do what is is going to make you genuinely happy. Decisions based on guilt or to keep someone else happy are not the right ones...

Take Care and every happiness on your special day.

[Mil]

I doubt that it's their intention to make their child torn or divided. I think they're worried about how things look to others. I'm sure a lot of it is that the aparents think that it's going to look like they weren't good enough - therefore their child had to go look for their 'real' parents.

I know the first time we went to church with my bson and his family that his parents were terrified that someone would find out who I was. And it all had to do with 'how it would look'.