[Hanna-bug]

I am a 28 year female adoptee who literally stummbled on to my Birthmother yesterday (mother's day 2004). I have been searching on and off for 10 years. I had just decided on friday to start searching again. Then on Sunday I came home and thought I would kill some time and search a couple of sites and BAM!! on the first site I went to there she was. I e-mailed her and sent a picture upon her request. She is my birthmother. I am so overwhelmed with feelings right now and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to rush this and risk it all. I was very prepared for the search but totally unprepared for finding her. I am not sure really what my question here is, but I just needed a place to share my feelings with others that understand. I find myself very happy one minute, then scared the next, followed by total unbelief. This is all so surreal. She has so many questions, but I struggle with how much I want to tell her. I love my adoptive parents very much, but we do not have the best of relationship, especially with my a-mom. I want to be honest, but I do not want her to be upset or feel guilty about any of it. I am very happy now, due to alot of hard work on my part and learning to be who I am. Which leads me to a very big concern I am having. I told her that I am a lesbian and I am very scared that she will want to have nothing to do with me as a result. I had to tell her because it is such a large part of who I am. Normally I don't care what people think about this, but with her I fear that rejection. She has not had alot of time to let that sink in as of yet. Her response to the news was that she was happy that I did what made me happy. I guess I worry that when this "honeymoon" period wears off, and I have invest so much of me, that she will not be able to deal with this. I know that i reall rambled here, but I could really use some suppotive words from others who have been here.

Thank you all,
Hanna-bug

It is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not.

[l-thompson]

First of all - congratulations!!! Actually making contact with your birthmother is a major step and you should be feeling fortunate that you have been given this opportunity.

Your feelings will cover the whole spectrum from here on in. One minute complete and utter joy, the next incredible sadness, on top of the world one minute and then feelings of despair the next. It really is quite common to experience all of these feelings - reunion is very, very emotional. You may well have feelings that you didn't even know existed until this very moment. Just know that it really is OK and probably to be expected at such a time.

For me, taking one day at a time with realistic expectations is important. It is very hard to do but try to just let it "flow' and find its own course..and it will, over time.
Remember too you now have the rest of your lives to work through your feelings and resolve them. It won't happen overnight and it would be unrealistic to even think this would happen. Its really like any new relationship you embark on - it develops and grows over a period of time.

Why would you think your birthmother would not want to know you because you are a lesbian? Please don't second guess what may or may not happen....its not fair to you and certainly not fair to your birthmother.

All I can say really is relax ( as much as you can because reunion is a highly charged event) and just enjoy everything reunion has to offer. Also too, this forum is a great place for support and for sharing - there always seems to be someone here to listen and offer support when you feel the need.

Good Luck and every happiness to you - keep us posted on how things go

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Hanna-bug
I am a 28 year female adoptee who literally stummbled on to my Birthmother yesterday (mother's day 2004). I have been searching on and off for 10 years. I had just decided on friday to start searching again. Then on Sunday I came home and thought I would kill some time and search a couple of sites and BAM!! on the first site I went to there she was. I e-mailed her and sent a picture upon her request. She is my birthmother. I am so overwhelmed with feelings right now and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to rush this and risk it all. I was very prepared for the search but totally unprepared for finding her. I am not sure really what my question here is, but I just needed a place to share my feelings with others that understand. I find myself very happy one minute, then scared the next, followed by total unbelief. This is all so surreal. She has so many questions, but I struggle with how much I want to tell her. I love my adoptive parents very much, but we do not have the best of relationship, especially with my a-mom. I want to be honest, but I do not want her to be upset or feel guilty about any of it. I am very happy now, due to alot of hard work on my part and learning to be who I am. Which leads me to a very big concern I am having. I told her that I am a lesbian and I am very scared that she will want to have nothing to do with me as a result. I had to tell her because it is such a large part of who I am. Normally I don't care what people think about this, but with her I fear that rejection. She has not had alot of time to let that sink in as of yet. Her response to the news was that she was happy that I did what made me happy. I guess I worry that when this "honeymoon" period wears off, and I have invest so much of me, that she will not be able to deal with this. I know that i reall rambled here, but I could really use some suppotive words from others who have been here.

Thank you all,
Hanna-bug

Hi Hanna-bug and Welcome to the forum...its a great place to be when you're entering reunion because there are some awesome experiences and thinkers here. Like you I also came here just after being reunited with my loved one who happens to be my daughter Tovia placed at birth in a closed adoption 31 years ago.
You posted:
She is my birthmother. I am so overwhelmed with feelings right now and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to rush this and risk it all.
Wise choice...there is no rush and what I have discovered is that despite having matching DNA my daughter and I are basically "related strangers". While she looks like me her ways, habits, mannerisims, thoughts, desires etc. are not mine. We DID rush in full force and it almost cost us our relationship. We were bonded, theres no denying that but we simply had nothing in common or at least didn't discover what we had in common before rushing in. Its almost as if we were making up for lost time and that as you know can never happen.
You posted:
She has so many questions, but I struggle with how much I want to tell her. I love my adoptive parents very much, but we do not have the best of relationship, especially with my a-mom. I want to be honest, but I do not want her to be upset or feel guilty about any of it.

IMO its great that you have set boundaries...again, you guys are strangers at this point and you probably wouldn't go to any other stranger and hand her your autobiography and theres no reason why you have to now. As far as your life goes it is what it is and you are what and who you are. My daughter didn't have the greatest life ( she was sexually abused) but it is her life. While I prayed daily that she would be loved and adored and treated like the Little Princess I had to accept that in real life there are no guarentees. I wished I'd raised her but it wasn't possible and I'd have wished that no matter what. In therapy I've learned that while she has baggage I didn't pack those bags and its not my job to carry those bags. If your Mom has guilt its up to her to work through it; but at this point you don't have to share anything you're uncomfortable sharing. Keeping the lines of communication open does not mean "spilling your guts." Reunion is a process...it takes time.
You say:
I told her that I am a lesbian and I am very scared that she will want to have nothing to do with me as a result. I had to tell her because it is such a large part of who I am. Normally I don't care what people think about this, but with her I fear that rejection.
Its wonderful IMO that you were honest; if she rejects you based on your lifestyle its her loss. The thing is IMO what you are speaking to is YOUR FEAR...its the fear of being rejected and if this wasn't your lifestyle it would probably still be your fear. You could have easily posted "I told her I am a bleached blonde; or I told her I collect stamps..." and I fear her rejection. Its there and its normal, I also feared being rejected and at times I still do. I am terrified of being seperated from Toddie again so much so that at times over the past 2 years I've allowed her to misuse me. If your Mom has said she's happy that you are happy take her for her word. As far as "time to sink in" Honey it takes all of 15 seconds for that to sink in. I GOT IT as soon as I read your post...its OK to be a lesbian and its not that unusual anymore! AS far as Toddie was concerned I knew that if she were a Supreme Court Judge or found herself in need of one to defend her I'd have loved her unconditionally. I didn't care if she were a raging crackhead she'd be my little crackhead.
Reunion does involve a major investment. Its a give and take relationship and it can and will be both pretty and painful at times. Its the one relationship where you are "meeting" someone you have a history with. Its frightening. Its sureal. Just go in with your eyes wide open knowing that no relationship is perfect and its possible to love someone you may not always like. Just as you say you had problems with your A-mom but you still love her you may find this same thing happens with your B-mom. Its OK.
I love Toddie but she is not what I'd have chosen if I were looking for a friend; HOWEVER that wasn't what I was seeking I found my daughter and I won't walk away no matter what. I don't always like the kids I raised, they aren't perfect and they don't have to be. Our relationship is constantly evolving. We have to work to make it work and I am committed to doing that.
I am happy you came here; this forum has been very helpful to me in my journey. If you fell the need you can pm me anytime. Just take it slow and read your signature line...it says a lot.
Best wishes....MissyM

[spitzlvr]

Hanna-bug,

I am a 36 year-old adoptee and I understand completely! I searched on-and-off for years and just recently stumbled on my Bmom. I should be getting her name, address, and phone number this week. (And she mine).

You put into words exactly how confused I am.

I can't help you, but I will watch this thread. I don't know what I am going to do when I have the info in my hand.

Mary

[ChristiBender]

Hi guys.... especially Hanna-Bug and Mary. I am almost 40 and I found my mother just 2 1/2 months ago after a ONE WEEK search. Yes I had searched before... but THIS time it just happened... really fast.... and I was REALLY overwhelmed... as you are.

Print out Missy and I-Thompson's posts. Read them again and again. They are wise!!! and experienced!!! I don't know which is more important....!!!

My two cents are.... stay in touch... but maybe give it a little space. With my Bmom in February (when I found her) and my Bdad (currently as first contact with him was a mere 12 days ago) I really enjoyed the written word. Email with Bmom and snail mail now with Bdad. You have something you can print.. and hold... and re-read.. and re-read and re-read. You also have the opportunity to edit a little and you aren't put quite so on the spot as you are in a phone or person to person conversation. For me that helped to somewhat settle the emotions. Ok.... the emotions aren't really settle-able... but maybe it helped them from totally boiling over. Yeah.. that's probably closer to accurate!!

Still.... you will find yourself in the middle between A families and B families. You have to learn how to walk that line... how much to share.... and when. I am going through that now... so I can really feel for you and your blended loyalties.

As for being a lesbian. If your Bmom loves you she won't care... she will love you. She might not have ever been around anyone gay or lesbian... so she might not understand. She might be confused. But that doesn't mean she will reject you. Don't stress that part of your life tooooo much. If you were straight you wouldn't.... so you're not.... still don't. It is ONE aspect of you.. not YOU. Remember to share ALL the parts of you with her.

As for your upbringing not being perfect. That's o.k. Whose was? Ahhhh... no one. You also don't need to go into graphic detail about it right out of the box. There will come a time for a serious conversation about it... and then it will be o.k.. If you have come to terms with it (as it seems you have) she will be ok. If you are still in "victim" mode.. she will feel guilty. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic. Yeah. And... oh well. I learned a lot about myself and other people and acceptance and anger and bitterness and lots of other things. Those were valuable lessons. They have made me a better person. I truly believe that. Maybe I should send my Adad a note.... oops... too late. I already DID. It isn't an issue for me now.. and therefore it isn't an issue for my Bmom and hopefully won't be for my Bdad either.

Also.... keep in mind that your feelings are YOUR responsibility. Her feelings are HER responsibility. Use your judgement. Be in touch with your intentions. Are you telling her something to be informative and answer a question.... or to "get" something? If you are being honest..... be gentle. Maybe you don't have to tell the WHOLE truth JUST yet. Maybe you just aren't ready to discuss it. That is fine, tell her you aren't comfortable discussing it yet but that you will tell her in good time. She will respect that.

Consistency and gentleness go a long way.

Keep us posted. LIVE on this forum... it will keep you sane!

(((HUGS)))
Christi

[maryjanek]

Hanna-Bug,

While I was searching for my son, I read a book called, "Reunion: A Year in Letters between a Birthmother and the Daughter She Couldn't Keep." Besides being a nice way to anticipate some of the emotions of a reunion, the book may be of interest to you because the daughter is also a lesbian. She and her birthmother established a very comfortable relationship. They were both writers, and living far from each other, so letters were the main way they communicated that first year.

It's a scary process, but there can be so many rewards. I wish you all the best.

Mary Jane
Birthmother in reunion 5 years

[Hanna-bug]

I want to start by saying thank you to those of you who replied. You words really helped me.

I spent 3 hours today on IM with my b-mom this morning. I am feeling better about coming out to her. She told me that now that I am in her life that she never wants to lose me again. <<huge sigh of relief>>..lol. We talked about alot of silly stuff and some serious stuff as well. I always wondered where I had gotten certain charateristics because I was so different from my parents. After talking to her, I believe I got them from her. She shared with me a little bit of her past and I shared as much as I was comfortable sharing at this time. I asked alot of questions, some of which were to hard for her to handle. I asked her if her family knew about me? She got pretty upset and asked me to give her time. I explained to her that I ask questions to know the answer...not to change the answer. I hope that she understands that I understand that she needs time and respects that I need time as well. Wow is this going to change my life. Well thank you all for listening to me. I only hope that I can repay the favor sometime.

Thank you all,
Hanna-bug

[ChristiBender]

Hanna-Bug

WHOO HOOOOO

You go girl. Good job. IM is great. See if you can figure out how to save your conversations so you can print them. Those words will be great to have in a book down the road.

You had a GREAT answer.... "you ask questions to get the answer.. not change it." !!!!!! SUPER answer. That should be read by about 50 of the people on this forum!!!

Feel free to email me or PM me if you need any additional support from someone JUST barely ahead of you on the time line!!!

[eek40]

Hannah bug,
Wow I swear I just read my life history in your post. I also am a lesbian, also adopteed, also doesnt get along with amom, also just found my birthmom WOW! The main difference is I havent told my birthmom that I am a lesbian Now I am wondering if it is to late, if you ever need someone to talk to email me, eek40@aol.com
Thank you for sharing and hugs to you
Aimee

[Hanna-bug]

My b-mom sent me and e-mail with her picture it....OMG!! she has my face...or should I say I have her face. Wow all these years of not looking like anyone...now looking like someone...wow. It is almost like looking in a miror. She has blonde hair and I have brownis/auburn but wow.....wow...

hanna-bug