[lookingfr fam]

I would like some input from others; adoptees and bfamily

My friend was rejected by her Bmother three weeks ago. Her Bmother stated that the adoption was in the past and wants to leave it there and does not want any of her family to know about the adoption or the situation leading up to the adoption. The Bmothers sisters do know about my friend and have not yet decided what to do about contact.

Question is......My friend has 4 living siblings out there who know nothing about her. Don't they have a right to make that decision for themselves?

Should she attempt to make contact with the sib's?

[lewellen]

That's a tough one. It seems that bisibs would have the right of contact, but that does interfere with the b-mom's decision to deny contact. If posible your freind should try to speak with the b-aunts and get a feel for the family.

Contact with the b-sibs could be a wonderful experience, or just lead to heartbreak all around. I am a reunited adoptee, but I just can't see any good way to inform the sibs they have another one out there. As adoptees it seems like there is no way to avoid causing strife within our b-families sometimes.

I am in a similar situation where one of my four b-sibs either does not know of my existence or the other b-sibs think he doesn't. He was seven when I was born, they think that he doesn't remember his mother's pregnancy. I sometimes wonder about that. I remember my a-mom's pregnancy when I was four. For now, I am respecting my other three b-sibs wishes and not seeking contact with him.

I would try to establish contact with the aunts and go slowly from there. If the aunts decide against contact, it would just depend on how brave and crazy your freind is. It would surely be a gamble, but odds are at least one sib would be okay with it.


Good Luck,

LewEllen

[lookingfr fam]

THANKS FOR THE INPUT!

Yes, it is a tough one. For now we're waiting.....waiting on a response from Baunts.....waiting on the Bmom to change her mind.....just waiting. However, the waiting is driving my friend crazy! She wants to make contact!

I am an adoptee as well waiting to make contact with a brother and sister that have no idea I or two other brothers exist. No easy way to do it other than just do it as far as I see it. I think about myself and would I want to know? YES I WOULD! I however, have spoken to the Amom of my brother and sister and have her blessing and support. Different situation.

Thanks again!

[MuyLaBonita]

I support that the siblings should know! They have a right!

[Alana71]

Hi, I am a bsib and I was so excited to learn that I had a sister out there somewhere. I was sad that my mom hadn't told me sooner but grateful that she told me nonetheless. She was so worried that I would be upset and feared I would be angry with her. She explained that there were many times she tried to tell me but lost her nerve. I felt I had been given a tremendous gift by her telling me. Unfortunately, my mom passed away three months later as she had cancer. I was determined to find my sister and searched for 8 long years and we have finally reunited!
I really hope your friends bmom gets the courage to tell them because they need to know.
Tell your friend to hang in there and you too.

[lookingfr fam]

Thank you all for your input

We're still just waiting at this point and going crazy I might add!

Baunts told me they would get back to me within a week to let us know their decision. They promised they wouldn't keep her waiting. After 3 1/2 weeks we still had heard nothing

My friend did send a short letter to baunts with a photo and a little info about her life and requested medical information. She asked me to call to confirm that they had recieved it after several weeks had gone by and when I called they simply said they recieved it and were not sure if they were going to respond. We left it at that and don't know where to go from here

She wanted to wait for her baunts decision before she decided if she was going to contact her siblings or not, but how long should she wait? Oh, what to do, what to do!

[Alana71]

I was just wondering, How old are the siblings? If they are really young I guess I could understand the family waiting but if they are late teens or over 18,I don't see why contact couldn't be made.
That waiting must be so frustrating! I hope you get some responses and soon...

[lookingfr fam]

well...bsibs are all in their late 30's and early 40's. Two of them Im sure were prob aware of the pregnancy. But who knows what bmom told them.

Yes, the waiting is killing us!

Thanks

[lookingfr fam]

...a little more info.....

My friend was the youngest born of six children and the only one put up for adoption. One (the oldest) passed away in 2002.

My friend had a different father from the other five and bmom decided it was best for all involved if she gave the baby up for adoption. At the time of friends birth, bmom was a single parent and needed to look outside the home for employment so gave friend up for adoption.

The other problem with this is that she does know as well that she has a bfather who had other children too, but without info from bmom we may never find him either, or the other sibs! We don't believe the bfather was ever told of the pregnancy!

[ChristiBender]

I think at this point I would press the baunts for medical information... especially in light of the one other sib having recently died at what appears to be a somewhat early age.

I don't think I would press for personal contact yet... get that medical info first. If bridges are burned before that information is obtained they can't be rebuilt and it will forever be lost.

If the sibs are all of the age you have mentioned I think I would contact them after the med info was obtained... that will certainly be a couple more weeks and that will have been long enough for everyone to start to get used to the idea that your friend is there.. and waiting.

Just my 2 cents.... It seems unthinkable to me that they wouldn't be willing to fill out a medical questionaire and provide the ages of death of parents and grand parents, at least (cousins could be useful is there are any trends too) along with causes of death. Even the people most strongly against adoptees having the right to contact have to usually conceded that basic medical history is a right that can't be argued about.

[lookingfr fam]

The good news is the cousins, the daughters of one of the baunts, decided on their own to make contact with my friend.

They had seen the letter and pictures that my friend had sent and were not in agreement with how their mother and aunts were handeling the situation. They were happy to hear she was out there and hated the fact that their mom and aunts were ignoring her. They took it upon themselves to contact my friend and she couldn't be happier.

They have emailed, spoke on the phone and will meet in person this week

They also agree that she should be able to make contact with her brothers and sisters and believe they will also want to have contact with her.

Again, thank you all for your input.

Shannon

[Alana71]

That is great news. I'm glad someone in the family decided to reach out. I guess the younger generation has a better understanding. Your friend must be happy and relieved. How exciting for her!

I hope they have a great reunion and who knows maybe the bmom and aunts will come around and realize there is a great person that everyone is getting to know.

Thanks for the update
Alana

[skeskeskeske]

I just last night got an e-mail from my "brother"...For me the most important thing in my search was not to find my bparents, but to locate my brothers. The kids involved in adoption are innocent, they didn't ask to be seperated from each other, I believe you should seek them out. Bparents may be able to tell you the how and why, but thru bsisbling, you may find a long lost friend who really knows what you went thru

[authoress]

First of all, I believe ALL adoptees should have medical information; this could be done anonymously via a national database that allowed bparents to update frequently.

However, I DO NOT believe that it ultimately benefits adoptees to learn about bparent's family and/or birth situation. And for certain, IF the bparents do not want contact, whether that is for themselves or siblings, it should be honored by adoptees. The thing is, adoptees have MOSTLY been blessed with great adoptive families, and should be GLAD of this.

But let the Eagles say it in a song better:

Get Over it
Eagles


From the album Hell Freezes Over (1994)


I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' 'Don't blame me'
They point their crooked little fingers ar everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ***

Get over it
Get over it
All this *****in' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

[shirleyville]

Authoress,
I see from your profile that your husband relinquished his rights to "an unwanted child" from "another woman" -- and knowing that helps me to respond differently to you than I would without that knowledge.
As you are neither an adoptee, a birthparent, or an adoptive parent, I can see that it would be difficult for you to understand the intense emotion involved in the adoption triad. You haven't lived a lifetime immersed in it.
I am curious to learn your reasons behind this statement:

I DO NOT believe that it ultimately benefits adoptees to learn about bparent's family and/or birth situation.

Why, in specific, do you feel so strongly that adoptees do not benefit from knowing their heritage....where they come from....their "birth situation" as you call it.
I am sure others could benefit from understanding a mindset such as yours, as we all have the potential to encounter the "spouses" of our birthparents, who may have a similar view.
Sally